Monday, June 30, 2008

STORMS CAN’T HURT THE SKY: THE BUDDHIST PATH THROUGH DIVORCE


My good friend and colleague, Barbara A. Stark, an attorney and mediator in Norwalk and New Haven, Connecticut wrote the following review that I thought you would be interested in.


Imagine yourself being strapped into the passenger seat of a plane, out of sorts because of the delay from a never-ending storm. The view out of the portal window is bleak as the plane finally rises, and the world below reduces to the size of train-set hamlets. Suddenly everything connected to the earth is gone. The clouds envelop the plane and block any orienting view for what can seem like an eternity. Gabriel Cohen, in his new book, Storms Can’t Hurt the Sky: The Buddhist Path Through Divorce uses this travel experience as an analogy to the longer and more frustrating stages of divorce Cohen’s audience, those who are going through a break up, will be lucky to settle into this book’s supportive pages. Storms Can’t Hurt the Sky serves as a reminder that just as the plane breaks through the clouds, revealing a blue sky above the cloud cover, above the chaos and devastation of divorce there is also always a place of calm and hope. No matter how terrible the storm below, the miracle of the sky is always there whether invisible or not. In this self-help book, designed for the Buddhist novice, Cohen sets the stage for his readers’ expectations as they travel the path to the book’s concluding pages. The book begins by posing the questions: How does the happiness of marriage become the suffering of divorce? Where does this particular kind of suffering seem to come from and, looking deeper, where does the suffering really come from? How can the divorce (and non-marital breakup) experience evolve into a less damaging and traumaticexperience? Can a person live through divorce and achieve peace and happinesssufficient of be ready for the next relationship, avoiding repeating the same mistakes?Blending two strands of narrative, Cohen weaves together information about thebasic principles of Buddhism with an engaging account of his own divorce. Relativelynew to Buddhist teachings (Cohen stumbled into his first Buddhist class during hisdivorce to hear a lecture on "How to Deal with Anger"), the book is an abbreviatedsurvey course on Buddhist history, principles, and techniques. Anyone familiar withBuddhism should not look to this book as an addition to the library of higher awareness. But the person not as familiar with Buddhist principles is gently guided to the understanding that Buddhist teachings "are not just pie in the sky abstractions but practical instructions … not just how to think better but how to behave better." The book supports and encourages a person’s taking responsibility for the suffering caused by divorce, and having compassion particularly for the ex or soon-to-be ex spouse. In between the Buddhist tutorial, Cohen maintains our interest and curiosity by describing the unraveling of his own marriage, his many-faceted experiences with the resulting grief, and his personal lessons from trying to live Buddhist principles. The narrative of his personal journey serves a more important function. By describing his actions, thoughts, and emotions while going through his painful process, Cohen gives the divorcing reader the opportunity to identify with his experiences and to feel less marginalized. Many descriptions worthy of underlining help to support the plane’s-eye view of the emotional disaster we call divorce, particularly for the person who feels that the divorce has been "done to" him or her: "Marriage makes me think of a seesaw: you have your ups and your downs, but through them all you trust your partner to support your weight. If one spouse suddenly jumps off, the other comes down hard. The whole solemn institution, which seemed so solid and permanent – We’ll love each other for better or for worse, until we die – is revealed as merely a fragile, tenuous, utterly voluntary agreement." The reader is prodded by Cohen to "challenge every statement" in the book and to test what he says. The book comes together in the concluding chapters with a "plan of action." Short on specifics, the plan is an aspirational checklist of principles to remember and use while going through the divorce experience (which for some means just surviving it) such as: refrain from acting out of anger, practice meditation, think about the difference between real love and attachment, reflect on impermance and change. Rather than setting a "holier than thou" tone, Cohen includes a chapter ("Anatomy of an Email") describing how he fell off the wagon a year after beginning his Buddhist journey by engaging in an angry, discouraging e-mail exchange with his wife. While Cohen emphasizes that forgiveness is an important part of emerging from the suffering of divorce, he is careful not to offer panaceas. The bad behavior of the other spouse is not excused, but the journey to a place of compassion for him or her is encouraged. Anger and sadness cannot be denied but acknowledgement and recognition help to contain those emotions and allow the move from suffering toward happiness. The bottom line, from Cohen’s practical, true-life perspective, is that in the Buddhist view, suffering arises chiefly from the sufferer’s mind, not from outside circumstances. This recognition and the taking of responsibility, if not for the situation one finds oneself in, at least for the emotional reactions to it, are critical steps in recovering from divorce. The practice of meditation is the primary Buddhist approach to creating a space where life events can be put in perspective. It provides the stability necessary for the insights that support personal growth. The mental image of the sky as the calm, stable part of the mind is always there as a refuge despite the roughness of the storm. This is the promise of the Buddhist approach to divorce as described by Cohen. Buddhist perspectives and teachings are not stand alone remedies for most people. Traditional therapeutic intervention and supportive friends provide critical support for people during divorce. Storms Can’t Hurt the Sky
offers a new perspective for many to experience and a way to grow from the painful grieving process resulting from divorce. It may even inspire some to further explore Buddhist teachings and readings (the book has an excellent resource list) in the quest for a fuller life, in which divorce is in the past and a better relationship is a future possibility.

As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 6/30/08

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Divorce Images

I love Google. It is one of the most innovative and user friendly websites. Google is a great source for everything. It is fun to search. I often google my name and the names of my family. I also like to check out images. I googled divorce images and came up with some of the following: As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 6/26/08















Sunday, June 22, 2008

Googlism for: marriage

Googlism.com will find out what Google.com thinks of you, your friends or anything! You can search for your under Who What Where or When. Below are the googlisms for Marriage. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 6/22/08

marriage is like bubble gum
marriage is good for you
marriage is
marriage is worse for women than men
marriage is defined by god in the bible
marriage is none of the government's
marriage is better than you think
marriage is to take second place
marriage is dying by peter j
marriage is for keeps
marriage is part of god’s plan
marriage is a sacrament
marriage is good for women's health
marriage is no fairy tale
marriage is slavery rather than
marriage is murder
marriage is wrong as well
marriage is cool again
marriage is an onion
marriage is my vocation
marriage is doing
marriage is on the
marriage is recognized
marriage is sent to an early grave by a series of little digs
marriage is a one
marriage is no panacea
marriage is none of the government
marriage is under siege in our country
marriage is like a hundred $k in the bank
marriage is worship because of spirit mingling
marriage is worth £60
marriage is a feast where
marriage is divine
marriage is a powerful legal and social institution that protects
marriage is valid" has been
marriage is a new hampshire imperative why?
marriage is the closest kind of friendship
marriage is the union of
marriage is good for your health
marriage is worth $100
marriage is no proof of love
marriage is wrong?
marriage is in trouble
marriage is all about presenting little saints to god may 07
marriage is alive and well
marriage is honorable
marriage is accused of duping
marriage is healthy?
marriage is to me
marriage is the key weapon against poverty
marriage is ready to go to the mission field
marriage is dumb
marriage is troubled
marriage is for love
marriage is a divine institution established by god for man?s good
marriage is forever
marriage is still important
marriage is in trouble helpsite
marriage is serious business
marriage is presided over by clergy and is considered by its participants to be a sacred union in the eyes of their deity and their faith
marriage is risky this article is based on information from the national marriage project at rutgers
marriage is none of the government's business
marriage is to let your mate take first place
marriage is dying peter j
marriage is the best way for most men and women
marriage is murder by nancy pickard
marriage is alive and well author
marriage is part of god’s plan marriage between a man and a woman has been an integral part of god’s plan from the beginning
marriage is deemed illegal
marriage is a bond that should be entered into for love and companionship after you know who you really are
marriage is no fairy tale adrienne ball is a senior majoring in anthropology and is the ids arts editor
marriage is worth divorce and money
marriage is slavery rather than just a happy family affair
marriage is murder intrepid duo dares to go where few have survived
marriage is a good thing
marriage is irrelevant
marriage is an onion marriage is an amazing thing
marriage is doing fine
marriage is on the rocks
marriage is recognized from your marriage guide
marriage is prohibited
marriage is no panacea this editorial appeared in usa today on february 27
marriage is none of the government?s business
marriage is multicultural
marriage is like having an
marriage is ok?
marriage is a feast where the grace is sometimes better than the dinner
marriage is that we fall in love with a personality
marriage is a powerful legal and social institution that protects and supports intimate family relationships by providing a unique set of rights
marriage is not what you think
marriage is a new hampshire imperative in new hampshire we must
marriage is good for your health february 26
marriage is unjust
marriage is valid
marriage is not over
marriage is not for everyone
marriage is an institution ordained of god
marriage is wrong??" i have a bf and we're really close ok
marriage is all about
marriage is honorable #31
marriage is accused of duping signers pam belluck
marriage is considered valid
marriage is healthy? x
marriage is to me by tarascorpb
marriage is the key weapon against poverty both on screen and off these days
marriage is separate property
marriage is an institution of god
marriage is coming
marriage is troubled it is a fact
marriage is still not easy
marriage is the foundation of the family unit

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Divorce by Any Other Name

What do you call the divorce process? I amazed at all the different names for different types of names. It is a little bit like analog and digital watches. Originally there was just divorce. I have called original divorce "Adversary Divorce" but now think "Traditional Divorce" may be more appropriate. We also have collaborative divorce, collaborative law, collaborative practice, evaluative mediation, facilitated mediation, transformative mediation, pro se divorce pro perq divorce, not to mention "dissolution of marriage!" Do you have names that I have forgotten?
Let me know. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 6/2/08
As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 6/18/08
Mediator Qualifications

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Googlism for Divorce

Googlism.com will find out what Google.com thinks of you, your friends or anything! You can search for your under Who What Where or When. Below are the googlisms for Divorce. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 6/14/08
divorce is inevitable from psychpage
divorce is imminent
divorce is final?
divorce is just a click away
divorce is a mitzvah
divorce is alive and well
divorce is deadly
divorce is official
divorce is ok; remarriage is sometimes ok
divorce is not a
divorce is real & pain filled
divorce is the
divorce is rampant among christian leaders
divorce is still bad
divorce is dangerous
divorce is convoluted'
divorce is not all broken homes and neglected children
divorce is not the end of the world
divorce is a grown up problem
divorce is 'better for kids'
divorce is meaningless
divorce is filed
divorce is not the real issue that harms
divorce is filed?
divorce is an increasingly common
divorce is granted via sms by the husband
divorce is final
divorce is quicker in the summer reports divorce website
divorce is a financial issue
divorce is not a dirty word
divorce is
divorce is routine?
divorce is not a good idea right now
divorce is the key to abortion
divorce is not an option
divorce is a solution
divorce is an individual matter
divorce is a battlefield
divorce is granted based on the complaint cross complaint
divorce is easier
divorce is pronounced
divorce is now available with charles o
divorce is an ugly disease
divorce is coming
divorce is probably of nearly
divorce is inevitable
divorce is final? in some cases
divorce is just a click away not long ago
divorce is always because of both
divorce is not the answer michele weiner
divorce is right for you by answering this brief questionnaire
divorce is a mitzvah a practical guide to finding wholeness and holiness when your marriage dies
divorce is final 1
divorce is alive and well in new york
divorce is deadly expert says distress made defendant vulnerable to murder solicitation entrapment volume 5
divorce is not the answer
divorce is the only way out
divorce is hell
divorce is matter of public concern
divorce is right for you and if it is
divorce is treacherous behavior
divorce is not a good idea right now posted on november 03
divorce is changing the nature of so many things in society
divorce is not a speedbump
divorce is the key to abortion by robert locke frontpagemagazine
divorce is for the best
divorce is a sin
divorce is expensive
divorce is still bad in spite of the overwhelming evidence collected in recent years about the negative consequences of divorce and the positive benefits of
divorce is convoluted
divorce is 'better for kids' divorced parents said their children were happier parents struggling in an unhappy marriage
divorce is costly
divorce is the way out
divorce is again meaningless
divorce is best for the children
divorce is wrong
divorce is not so terrible when the parents treat each other with dignity and respect
divorce is an increasingly common occurrence in our society
divorce is too expensive and damaging
divorce is as easy as cashing a small check
divorce is a financial issue and the last person you will want to see is a divorce attorney
divorce is not a four letter word
divorce is final gb big5
divorce is routine? a few of the questions most asked
divorce is a delicate matter
divorce is increasing as well
divorce is not the end of the world zoes and evans coping guide for kids
divorce is dandy
divorce is a mess
divorce is not required
divorce is imminent darrel mulloy 06
divorce is overdue
divorce is a solution mlp keeps mum on survey
divorce is a case of a heart hardened toward god
divorce is an interactive class for parents to complete prior to a divorce being granted
divorce is and what kids like you can do to help yourselves
divorce is right'
divorce is about separation
divorce is granted based on the complaint cross complaint because
divorce is a dreadful time
divorce is effected
divorce is now available
divorce is an ugly disease divorce is such an ugly disease
divorce is our focus
divorce is the best solution
divorce is a divorce recovery workshop
divorce is really quite simple
divorce is near many couples get
divorce is likely in supervisory union
divorce is apainful experience
divorce is probably of nearly the same date as marriage

Friday, June 13, 2008

Best Divorce Mediators 2

Each year I get a publication listing the Best Attorneys. I have always been bothered that there is not a similar list for the Best Divorce Mediators. I have decided to do my own list and post the names on this blog below. I am asking Advance Practitioner Members of the Association for Conflict Resolution from a state to designate whom they feel are the Best Divorce Mediators in his or her state. If a person gets two designations, I will list them. I am open to suggestions for doing this a different way. It is a work in progress and I will keep adding names and states. Please post a comment with your designations or suggestions. As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 7/12/08

CONNECTICUT
Barbara Aaron - Hartford
Michael Becker - Westport
Fran Califore - Hartford, New Haven, and Norwalk
Mary Marcus*, Ph.D. - Norwalk
Deborah Noonan** - Norwalk
Barbara Stark - New Haven and Norwalk

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Mediator Qualifications

There has been an issue for years concerning whether a mediator must be an attorney. I have always believed that it is an issue of competency not profession. I took one family law course in law school and I don’t remember any family law questions on the bar exam. An attorney fresh out of law school probably knows less family law than a non attorney who has been mediating for years and has taken many continuing education programs. The issue was recently addressed by the Florida Supreme Court. The court removed any requirement that a mediator certified by the Florida Court must be an attorney. Gregory Firestone recently discussed the decision in an article in Spring 2008 issue of ACResolution. He stated, "with the momentous decision, the Florida Supreme Court has enhanced party self-determination in the selection of mediators and provided an important precedent for credentialing mediators throughout the world." See more at
http://www.flcourts.org/gen_public/adr/The%20Resolution%20Report/April%202008/rr_SC05998%20_article_Apr08.shtm As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 6/10/08

Friday, June 6, 2008

Googlism for Mediation


Googlism.com will find out what Google.com thinks of you, your friends or anything! You can search for your under Who What Where or When. Below are the googlisms for Mediation. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 6/6/08

mediation is so many things
mediation is effective
mediation is not for sissies
mediation is a constructive and effective way
mediation is going
mediation is often the answer to
mediation is not successful
mediation is available until a public hearing is convened or
mediation is meer dan bemiddelen alleen
mediation is a
mediation is a better mousetrap
mediation is not appropriate for every case
mediation is effective in resolving eeo complaints
mediation is above the rest
mediation is a confidential process in which
mediation is critical to peace
mediation is a process whereby a neutral
mediation is for anyone engaged in conflict at
mediation is snelle en goedkope conflictoplossing
mediation is a voluntary process in which an impartial third
mediation is needed more than ever" kofi annan says
mediation is generally defined as the intervention in a
mediation is money
mediation is simply that everybody gets
mediation is what you need
mediation is more time
mediation is a mediator in saskatoon on canlaw
mediation is a part of what is known as "alternative dispute resolution
mediation is
mediation is defined as a process of assisted negotiations
mediation is not
mediation is the opportunity for both legal parties to be heard through negotiation
mediation is an opportunity for two or more people to come together to try to work out a solution to their problem
mediation is a constructive and effective way to resolve disputes between people
mediation is an informal process that brings disputing parties together with a neutral person
mediation is not arbitration
mediation is often the answer to conflict
mediation is over
mediation is usually confidential
mediation is a real alternative to courtroom battles
mediation is that it is so many things
mediation is not enough
mediation is not successful? provided by the livingston community dispute resolution service
mediation is both
mediation is a voluntary option by joanne mauger
mediation is available until a
mediation is a process for resolving conflicts and for the neutral accompaniment of difficult negotiations
mediation is a process in which a trained neutral person
mediation is a joke
mediation is unheralded enabler of 3g
mediation is a form of alternative dispute resolution
mediation is flexible and confidential
mediation is op verzoek van beide partijen een goede oplossing vinden voor beide partijen inzake een conflictgeschil
mediation is a variation of the mediation process
mediation is a completely voluntary and confidential process that helps two or more people in conflict clarify their issues and goals
mediation is a better mousetrap for resolving divorce and family law issues
mediation is a voluntary process for people who wish to try to resolve their human rights complaint to their mutual satisfaction with the assistance of a
mediation is a confidential process in which the mediator helps people talk and listen to each other about what is important to them
mediation is procedural help in negotiating
mediation is a process in which an impartial third party assists people in conflict in finding a mutually acceptable solution to their dispute
mediation is critical to peace efforts 29 november – third party involvement
mediation is arbitration
mediation is successful? top
mediation is a process whereby a neutral third person called a
mediation is for anyone engaged in conflict at uo
mediation is on the increase 2
mediation is moderne snelle en goedkope conflictoplossing onder leiding van de mediator als deskundige onpartijdige derde
mediation is a voluntary process in which an impartial third party
mediation is needed more than ever" kofi annan says in statement to security council on mideast
mediation is a flexible program designed to informally help parties resolve disputes
mediation is unsuccessful
mediation is generally defined as the intervention in a negotiation by an acceptable third party who has limited or no authoritative decision
mediation is a process of assisted negotiations
mediation is money by deborah young
mediation is always within the control of the parties
mediation is a dispute resolution process in which an impartial third party helps parties to negotiate mutually
mediation is not governed by legal categories or rules
mediation is not magic
mediation is actually getting both parties to agree that mediation is a good idea in the first place
mediation is the conflict resolution process that has been the speciality of scms since the beginning of the
mediation is voluntary
mediation is noncoercive
mediation is the best approach to solving disagreements about child custody
mediation is a process
mediation is what you need tlt has 2 more qualified mediators
mediation is a no
mediation is the better option
mediation is a problem
mediation is a process where an impartial third party helps two or more parties discuss a dispute and work toward a solution that is acceptable to all parties
mediation is a process in which an impartial and trained mediator helps people to resolve their own dispute voluntarily and agreeably
mediation is it effective? nothing is perfect
mediation is a joint process to resolve workplace disputes
mediation is cost effective
mediation is a non
mediation is about directly negotiating your own decisions with the help of a third party
mediation is a process in which two disputing parties have been unable to settle their differences and appoint a neutral third party
mediation is far less costlymany disputes can be resolved in a few hours
mediation is a way of resolving disputes which helps people involved to reach an agreement with the help of an impartial third party
mediation is a process in which a trained mediator assists disputing parties in communicating their positions on issues and exploring possible solutions
mediation is a community resource that provides
mediation is where a neutral
mediation is becoming an increasingly popular form of resolving disputes in a more cost
mediation is a private
mediation is the step by step process through which separating couples arrive at a fair agreement which is acceptable to both sides
mediation is intended to reward all parties involved
mediation is a way of resolving conflict between two or more people
mediation is critical to peace efforts
mediation is a "win/win" rather than a "win/lose" solution
mediation is a problem solving process that focuses on the future

Monday, June 2, 2008

High Profile Divorces in the News

Gov. Jim Gibbons of Nevada and his wife Dawn
at his inauguration in 2007.
(Photo: Kevin Clifford/Nevada Appeal, via Associated Press)


I previously wrote about the Governor of Nevada’s, Paul McCartney’s and Robin Williams’ divorces. High profile divorces are news. The Govenor of Nevada’s divorce continues to get worse and make news. Steve Friess recently commented on it in his blog. He said "the governor of the state made famous in part for its quick, private divorces is now embroiled in a breakup so tawdry, so publicly spectacular and so potentially grueling that how it plays out could have implications from Carson City to the White House...The scandal is alarming Republican operatives in the state who believe disaffection with Mr. Gibbons is already dooming his own re-election chances in 2010 but also could impact how swing-state Nevada goes this fall in the presidential race...This absolutely could depress Republicans who are already depressed," said Chuck Muth, a Republican political consultant and blogger. "This could hurt McCain’s ability to hold on to Nevada" See entire blog at http://thelede.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/05/30/divorce-turns-ugly-for-nevadas-governor.
Closer to home I was glad to read in the article by Kim Smith in the May 30, 2008, Arizona Daily Star that the University of Arizona Head Basketball coach, Lute Olson and his wife, Christine Olson have settled their divorce case. See entire story at http://www.azstarnet.com/sports/241379.php
Both of these cases may encourage couples to seek mediation, rather than expensive and emotionally draining divorces.
As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 6/2/08