NPR and Children of Divorce

My daughters have an interest in what we do as a divorce mediators. They often send me articles that I will be interested in. My oldest daughter recently sent me the January 4, 2010 article which was on the NPR web site by Sasha Aslanian entitled, "What The Divorce Revolution Has Meant For Kids." You can see the entire article at http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=122127796 Since it was about children, it was appropriate that it came from my daughter. Ms. Aslanian contrasts the recent history of children in divorce from the movie Kramer vs. Kramer with what has happened in Henepin County, Minnesota. In the movie the couple are locked in a custody battle over their young son. The child they were fighting over doesn't have much of a voice in the movie. It's more a drama about his parents. In Hennepin County, Minnesota steps are being taken for the sake of the kids.
She indicates that the "Country tried something different. At the first meeting with the judge right after filing for divorce, there would be no motions. No judicial robes. And the attorneys would sit on the sidelines. ‘The judge would sit down with parties and talk to them about such things as childhood development. What they could do to help their kids. What would send their kids' mental health south real fast. What they could do to preserve some of their assets for their kids' extracurricular activities or college, rather than the lawyers' kids' extracurricular activities and college, After the initial meeting, the couple would come back a few weeks later and meet with a male and a female custody evaluator. They would try to come up with a reasonable plan that everyone could buy into. A separate meeting dealt with the financial part of divorce.""
She also discusses the County’s court-mandated class for kids whose parents were getting divorced. She says they practiced role-playing how to avoid divorce traps. — like being asked to spy on the other parent or parents who spew venom about each other.
Divorce does not have to be a disaster for the children. If the parents care, they can do things to make it better for their children. I always tell my clients they have given their children a wonderful gift.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(166) 1/26/10

Zero-Sum Divorce

Recently, I have been reading, "The Evolution of God" by Robert Wright. See his web site at http://evolutionofgod.net/ He uses the "zero-sum" concept in his book. I have been coming across this concept in many contexts lately. Wikepedia say, "In game theory and economic theory, zero-sum describes a situation in which a participant's gain or loss is exactly balanced by the losses or gains of the other participant(s). If the total gains of the participants are added up, and the total losses are subtracted, they will sum to zero. Zero-sum can be thought of more generally as constant sum where the benefits and losses to all players sum to the same value... Cutting a cake is zero- or constant-sum, because taking a larger piece reduces the amount of cake available for others. In contrast, non-zero-sum describes a situation in which the interacting parties' aggregate gains and losses is either less than or more than zero." It has been my experience that zero sum can also be diagnostic of a person’s view of situations. For instance, I have found that Conservatives are tend to see things as zero sum and Liberals tend to see things as non-zero sum. As usual I try to apply ideas to divorce. It is my experience that Adversary or Traditional Divorces are zero-sum and Mediated Divorces are non-zero sum. You can always find both in either type of divorce. If you can identify if a party is zero-sum or non-zero sum, it helps to determine how they will problem solve or negotiate. Once you know this it makes it easier to resolve the case. A note of caution, you try to explain to the parties if the pie is constant or can be made larger but you can’t usually convert a zero-sum person to a non-zero sum person.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(165) 1/19/10

Record Number of Divorces

A short article in the New York Times caught my eye. It said in part, " On the other hand, vows are apparently a necessity for an Israeli man who at age 50 has just been granted his 11th divorce. The BBC reports that the man, from Jerusalem, usually divorces after two years and immediately goes out bride hunting. Or perhaps bride reeling. "I send out a hook in all directions, and the fish come on their own," the man, who was not named, said. According to the rabbinical court that announced the divorce, 11 is a record for Jews in Israel. The court praised the man's adherence to religious procedure. Under Jewish law, a man seeking a divorce grants his wife a "get," which declares, ‘You are hereby permitted to all men.’" See the article at http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/09/weekinreview/10grist-2.html

It made me think who set the record for the most divorces. If Wikepedia is too be trusted is appears to be Glynn Wolfe, a former Baptist minister. They say, " he managed the feat a heartbreaking 28 times throughout his life. The shortest of his marriages was a mere 19 days, while the longest lasted an impressive 7 years." He was married 29 times. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glynn_Wolfe
He apparently died with $480 to his name. I guess it is very costly to get divorce 28 times!

As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(164) 1/12/10

Top Reasons People Divorce

I am surprised I have not done this before. In an article in Associated Content on June 1, 2006, Linda M. McCloud says the following are the top reasons people get divorced. See entire article at http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/35097/top_reasons_people_divorce.html Do you agree? Would you include other reasons in the list?

Money.
Infidelity.
Poor communication
Change in priorities. This can be caused by having kids or due to ones job, big things.
Lack of commitment to the marriage.
Sexual problems.
Other reasons that come up frequently, but not as frequently are:
Addictions
Failed expectations of your spouse (believing one is a super hero or that he/she can fix or be everything to or for you)
Physical, emotional or sexual abuse.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(163) 1/2/10

Google Trends Divorce

Google Trends provides insights into broad search patterns. You input a term and it shows you how much the term has been searched on a given day. I checked divorce and the peak for 2009 was Jon and Kate plus divorce on June 24th. If there is a Tiger Wood’s divorce it will probably top this. For 2009 it was A-Rod’s wife filling for divorce. You can see the graph for 2009 at http://www.google.com/trends?q=divorce&ctab=0&geo=us&geor=all&date=2009&sort=0.
Not surprisingly for the word marriage, gay marriage tops the list for most recent years.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(162) 12/26/09

Divorce Etiquette

Is divorce Etiquette and oxymoron along with military intelligence? Apparently not. There is even a book called Divorce Etiquette by Monique DeVere. The cover of the book is a little to racy to show here. As usual I Googled it and found divorce360.com which provides help, advice and community for people contemplating, going through or recovering from divorce and the issues around it, including separation, divorce laws, spousal support and emotional issues. Their web site about divorce Etiquette is http://www.divorce360.com/divorce-articles/after-divorce/general/divorce-etiquette-101-what-to-say.aspx?artid=1505. It discusses issues like How do you tell people about your divorce? Should you send "divorce announcements" saying you are no longer married? How do you update your personal information without being rude? We mark marriages, births. We do not mark divorces. Why? Should we have divorce rituals? If so, what should they be? Should friends and family send divorce cards? What about maiden name changes? Should you announce these? What about etiquette for divorce parties in which you're invited and asked to bring a gift, like an engagement party? I am sure there are thousands of more questions? Do you have any questions or even better yet answers?
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(161) 12/19/09

Ron Lieber and Divorce

The New York Times is my favorite newspaper and I read it every day. I have been following the recent articles about divorce by Ron Lieber. The articles give very good practical advice. I recommend that you read them and follow Ron Lieber’s latest articles. You can go to this link to see more about Ron Lieber and his articles.

http://topics.nytimes.com/top/reference/timestopics/people/l/ron_lieber/index.html?scp=1-spot&sq=ron%20lieber&st=cse

The articles I have recently read and their links include the following:

Money Talks to Have Before Marriage
Published: October 23, 2009
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/24/your-money/24money.html

Financial Decisions to Make as You Divorce
Divorcing couples often don’t think of all the financial problems that can arrive after the split. Here’s a list of issues to discuss before the paperwork is final.
Published: November 14, 2009
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/14/your-money/14money.html

Experienced in Love and Money
Some advice from those with firsthand experience of divorce may help you avoid the financial pitfalls of a split.
Published: November 21, 2009
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/21/your-money/21money.html

Bucks: How to Pick a Divorce Lawyer
Readers weigh in on the best way to pick a divorce lawyer.
Published: November 20, 2009
http://bucks.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/11/20/how-to-pick-a-divorce-lawyer/

As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM(160) 12/08/09