Marriage Rules

When driving, I enjoy listening to what use to be books on tape and now is books on CD’s.  I actually listened to all of Moby Dick but usually listen to fiction and mysteries in particular.  I read nonfiction. It was not unheard for me to sit in a parked car so I could hear the end of a book! Occasionally, I listen to something else.  In particular, I like to listen to books which will make me a better mediator. Recently, I listened to “Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up” by Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.   She is a scholar on the psychology of women and family relationships.  In Marriage Rules gives us just over 100 rules that cover all the hot spots in long-term relationships. Marriage Rules offers new solutions to age-old problems ("He won't talk"/"She doesn't want sex") as well as modern ones (your partner's relationship to technology.) She also suggests how to:

• Calm things down and warm them up• Talk straight and fight fair• Listen well as a spiritual practice• Connect with a distant partner• Survive the unique challenges of children, stepchildren and difficult- laws• Follow a 12-step program to overcome defensiveness• Know how and when to draw the line• Take back your marriage when things fall apart

Marriage Rules suggested many ideas which will help me when mediating and in particular help resolve impasses.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ CDM (264) 12/28/12

 

 

Seder Preidah: Ritural of Release

 

I recently spoke with my good friend, Rabbi Sandy Seltzer. Rabbi Seltzer has mediated divorces with his wife, Rita Pollak, family law attorney, trainer, teacher and mediator and  Past-President of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals.   We were discussing Jewish divorce and he told me about the “Seder Preidah: Ritual of Release.”  I had never heard of it.  When I asked him for more information, he told me he would lend me a book he wrote entitled, “When There Is No Alternative – A Spiritual Guide for Jewish Couples Contemplating Divorce.”  It is the best book I have read about Jewish Divorce. The book discusses much more than Seder Preidah and I highly recommend it.

Seder Preidah is Reform Judaism answer for dealing with some of the problems of divorce.   As Rabbi Seltzer says in part, “In a radical departure from classical Reform’s attitude toward divorce as a purely civil matter, the CCAR in 1988 introduced a “Ritual of Release or Seder Preidah for Divorcing Couples.  Its intent has been to foster a spiritual setting for the termination of a marriage, thereby hopefully lessening it adversarial potential as well as providing a religious context for the expression of grief and loss.  It is not meant to be a Reform version of the get.”

As I get older, I understand even more the need for ritual.  I often told my clients that as painful as going to court when the divorce is granted, it is important because even that legal ritual provides them with more closure and helps them move on.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ CDM (263) 12/21/12

 



Have Gun – Will Mediate

 

One of my all-time favorite TV shows was Have Gun - Will Travel.  I have purchased and watched the CD’s of the show and am now listening to the radio show version on my iPhone.  What I have come to realize is that Paladin was often a mediator.  Perhaps this was part of the shows attraction to me.  He did not call himself a mediator but in episode 23, in the first season one  entitled ” Bitter Wine”, Paladin is hired to mediate a dispute between an Italian vintner and an Irish oilman. I like the way he was a problem solver.  There was always the threat and sometime the use of the gun but he always tried to resolve problems without the use of force.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ CDM (262) 12/14/12

 



Mediation Logos

As I said in my previous blog, today everyone wants a logo.  In my last blog I Goggled Divorce logo. Now I have Goggled Mediation logo.  I thought it would be interesting to see the difference between Divorce and Mediation Logos.  You can see the results of my full search at http://tiny.cc/cdmlogo2.  Below are some of my favorites.   As expected Mediation logos emphasized peace and working together and not broken hearts and controversy.    

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ CDM (261) 11/18/12

 

Divorce Logos

Today everyone wants a logo.  I thought it would be interesting to Google Divorce Logos and see what I found.  You can see the results of my full search http://tiny.cc/cdmlogo .  Below are some of my favorites.  Broken hearts seems to be a popular theme.  I like the more abstract which seem to include something symbolic.  My favorite is the Divaroo because I like kangaroos and want to visit Australia. Also like the divorce superheroes.   I am going to do a search for Mediation Logos next.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ CDM (260) 11/1/12

 

Divorce Pill

When I first saw the web site for the Divorce pill at http://www.thedivorcepill.com/, my reaction was it was a pill you could take to get divorced.  I thought that was a great concept. I have often had clients come to me in such distress that I they wish I could wave a magic wand and they would be divorced.  Unfortunately or not the pill does not do this but is rather a way to deal with the stress of divorce.  Some of the representations on the web site are

How the Divorce Pill Works

The Divorce Pill was specifically created to raise serotonin levels in the brain.

By using a special blend of herbs including

•        St. John's Wart-to promote a positive mood,

•        5-HTP- a precursor of serotonin

•        Korean Ginseng- to enhance mental vitality and physical endurance

•        Valerian Root- supports feelings of calmness and lowers stress levels.

•        Passion Flower- encourages relaxation and Serenity

Cutting edge herbal technology, specifically blended to ease the physical and psychologically induced trauma of divorce

•        Live your life to the fullest

•        The Divorce Pill is perfect for people suffering from depression, anxiety, sleeplessness, and loneliness.

•        Buy One Get One FREE

The Divorce Pill is perfect for people suffering from depression, anxiety, sleeplessness, and loneliness.

"The single most powerful predictor of stress-related physical, as well as emotional illness is marital disruption." National Institute of Mental Health

"The divorced or widowed are 20% more likely to have heart disease, diabetes, cancer, or other chronic conditions" Dr Mark Hayward PHD, University of Texas

"Divorce is a traumatic life event that can trigger significant symptoms of depression" The Surgeon General

"Long-term stress before, during, and after a divorce may accelerate the biologic processes that lead to cardiovascular disease and possibly other chronic diseases" Web MD

I guess we will have to continue to use the tried and true ways of getting a divorce.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM (259) 7/8/12

The Maltese Divorce

As promised in my December 26, 2011 blog, I am returning to the topic of Divorce in Malta. Malta now allows divorce and the only two countries left that don’t are the Philippines and Vatican City. See article about Philippines in June 17, 2011 New York Times by Carlos H. Conde at http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/18/world/asia/18iht-philippines18.html entitled “Philippines Stands All but Alone in Banning Divorce.”  Wikipedia now says, “Legislation introducing divorce came into effect in October 2011 following the result of a referendum on the subject earlier in the year. It provides for no-fault divorce, with the marriage being dissolved through a Court judgment following the request of one of the parties, provided the couple has lived apart for at least four years out of the previous five and adequate alimony is being paid or is guaranteed. The same law made a number of important changes regarding alimony, notably through extending it to children born of marriage who are still in full-time education or are disabled and through protecting alimony even after the Court pronounces a divorce.”  It is no surprise that Maltese divorce attorneys (not Maltese Falcons) are now advertising on the internet!
The following is from the web site of EMD Advocates at http://www.emd.com.mt/advocates/en-us/family-law.aspx?gclid=CMbd_uPp57ACFQ5rhwodnm1X0w

“By virtue of the recent amendments to the Maltese Civil Code, brought about by Act XIV of 2011, divorce in Malta was introduced as a legal remedy which may now be claimed before the Courts of Malta. Heavily influenced by the ‘Irish model’ of divorce legislation, such amendments, in effect, carry with them a number of underlying legal implications stemming from their strategic placement within what is, essentially, a litigious-based personal separation system. Indeed, by virtue of these amendments, the legislative provisions regulating personal separation and divorce would now appear to be inextricably interlinked, with separation proceedings, possibly, serving as a prelude to the initiation of divorce proceedings in Malta.

Under the new Maltese divorce legislation, an aggrieved spouse may file an application before the Maltese Courts, asking for a judicial pronouncement of divorce if the spouses in question have been legally separated for at least four years or have lived apart for a period of, or periods that amount to, at least four years out of the immediately preceding five years. Alternatively, the spouses may file a joint demand for divorce after having reached a consensual agreement that their marriage is to be dissolved. In these circumstances, the Maltese Court must be satisfied that there exists no reasonable prospect of reconciliation between the spouses and that all of their children are, as a matter of fact, receiving adequate maintenance. The new divorce legislation in Malta also caters for the conversion of separation suits into divorce proceedings, subject to proof relating to satisfaction of the necessary preconditions associated with the pronouncement of divorce. Within this context, mediation proceedings would appear to play a more prominent role in relation to attempts at reconciling spouses who are not already legally separated, or who are not parties to a suit of personal separation, thus, also acting as the appropriate forum for negotiations conducive to the pronouncement of divorce on the basis of an agreement entered into voluntarily by the parties.

In this vein, the intricacies surrounding the regulation of maintenance awards, as well as their possible conditioning of the Maltese divorce proceedings as a whole will, undoubtedly, provide fertile ground for the gradual judicial development of structured principles apt to provide greater consistency and stability. Within this context, specialized legal advice is clearly of the essence in choosing between the carefully-constructed routes now available under Maltese law.

Our legal team enjoys vast experience in dealing with contentious family law matters and, while embracing the challenges brought about by the recent legislative amendments regarding divorce in Malta, looks forward to providing the necessary individual attention essential to the fulfillment of each client’s personal expectations.”

In particular I like when they say,”… mediation proceedings would appear to play a more prominent role in relation to attempts at reconciling spouses who are not already legally separated, or who are not parties to a suit of personal separation, thus, also acting as the appropriate forum for negotiations conducive to the pronouncement of divorce on the basis of an agreement entered into voluntarily by the parties.”

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM (257) 7/1/12