Don’t Be Fooled When Eating Cereal or Getting Divorced

While eating breakfast this morning I tried a new cereal. As I am getting older I try to eat low calorie, high fiber low sugar cereal with low fat milk. This has leaded me to compare the different cereals. I use to just look at the number of calories in a portion but then I noticed that each box of cereal defines portion differently. I think to keep the calorie number lower. Sum portions are a cup, 2/3 of a cup, 3/4 of a cup or 1 and 1/4 cups. This is like the candy bars which get smaller and remain the same size or the big box with less contents. The moral of the story is you must read the fine print and do a comprehensive comparison. What does this have to do with mediation and divorce? As my younger daughter says, I can find a blog or tweet about mediation in anything! When coming up with settlement options you have to do a comprehensive comparison. For example, if you are getting stock don’t just look at the current value but look at the basis so you know the capital gains. 100 shares of Coke with a value of $100 and a basis of $100 and 100 shares of Pepsi with a value of $100 and basis of $50 when sold and capital gains taxes paid are not equal. Money from and IRA and money in a saving account are not equal because of taxes and penalties. So be careful!

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(241) 12/19/11

My Op/Ed Divorce Style Mediation and Political Disputes

My first and maybe not last op/ed.

Divorce-style mediation might have a place in political disputes Walter Marcus Special To The Arizona Daily Star

Listening to the Republicans and Democrats of the supercommittee blaming each other instead of problem-solving sounds eerily is like listening to parties to a divorce.
As a mediator who has successfully mediated hundreds of cases, I believe that legislative disputes can be resolved (or at least improved) by using the tools of facilitative mediation.
Here's how I would approach "the case": With everyone present in one room, each side would designate a spokesperson. After reviewing the mediation process and ground rules (respectful listening, no interruptions, no threats, no ultimatums, confidentiality) the first agreement from both sides would need to be that information from the mediation process would not be used in the future.
The process then begins with each side providing the factual basis for their interest. The process cannot proceed until the parties agree on the underlying facts. The supercommittee never agreed on the underlying facts, which doomed the process.
The process continues with the parties articulating their goals. It is essential that the real interest come out. In the supercommittee case, it would appear that the real interest is for each side to win the next election. If the real interest is winning the next election, each party must be convinced that the resolution won't hurt them at the polls.
With all this on the table, we get to the tough part of the mediation - getting the parties to brainstorm, think outside the box and come up with a win-win solutions. Ironically, a solution endorsed by both sides and an agreement not to use it as a club in the next election could be one path toward a resolution.
Mediation is not a silver bullet, but it can be an effective process and just might work. Often it happens in mediation that the parties learn to communicate better without a mediator and so strengthen relationships, which helps with the inevitable future conflicts. Why not give it a try?

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(241) 12/12/11

Divorce, Marriage, and Mediation License Plates

Surprised I have not done this before but below are the license plates I have found. Send in pictures you have found. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(238) 12/5/11

Surprised I have not done this before but above are the license plates I have found. Send in pictures you have found. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(238) 12/5/11

Divorce, Gandhi and Satyagraha

I recently saw the very creative production of the opera, Satyagraha, by Philip Glass and presented live by the Metropolitan Opera on HD in movie theaters. The opera is about Gandhi and his early efforts in South Africa. Satyagraha is a word he coined which roughly translated means force of truth. It was the name of Gandhi’s newspaper. It is derived from Satya - truth; implying openness, honesty, and fairness, Ahimsa - refusal to inflict injury upon others and Tapasya - willingness for self-sacrifice. I have always been fascinated by Gandhi but never thought of his principles and how they relate to mediation. It is obvious that the core principles of Satyagraha and mediation are the same. It is what I strive for in my mediations. I am now inspired to read more. There is a encore performance of the Opera on December 7, 2011 and you should consider seeing it. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(237) 11/28/11

Rashomon and Divorce Mediation

One of my favorite movies is Rashomon. It is an Akira Kurosawa in which a crime witnessed by four individuals is described in four mutually contradictory ways. The film is based on two short stories by Ryūnosuke Akutagawa. The word Rashomon is now commonly used to describe the effect of the subjectivity of perception on recollection, by which observers of an event are able to produce substantially different but equally plausible accounts of it. I just heard it used today on NPR and I made my daughters watch the movie so they would understand the word. It is seen often in popular culture and has been used on All in the Family, Grey’s Anatomy, Happy Days, The Simpsons, How I Met Your Mother and many other TV shows. I once tried a case where a women was hit by a car as she was walking in a cross walk. There were three witnesses and each saw a different color traffic light. I am surprised I have not blogged about the Rashomon Effect before because it happens all the time in marriage and divorce. There is not much a mediator can do about the Rashomon Effect but recognize the effect and to have the parties agree to disagree. Neither party will ever convince the other party. They must Accept and move on.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(236) 11/17/11

Divorce Mediation and Good Behavior

After a mediation, I often see the couple speaking in the parking lot of my office. This happens so often that I now offer them the opportunity to talk in one of our conference rooms which is at least cooler. They often look different in the parking lot. More angry and agitated. I also recall that many years ago, I was doing mediation and for about 20 minutes, the couple spoke to each other and I said nothing. I suggested that they did not need me and they said something which helps explain the parking lot conversations in reverse and another use of a mediator. What the couple said was they needed me because they were on good behavior when I was there. I have thought I could make money and couples could save money if I could sell them a blow up doll version of me. I think the dynamics of this is that people behavior is better with strangers. Once you cease to be a stranger which happens after a while in mediation this is no longer the case. What is happening in the parking lot is that I am not there and they don’t have to be on good behavior and can say things unrestrained. That is why I have always felt there is a window of opportunity to resolve a case. Couples need to take advantage of this opportunity.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(235) 11/10/11

Divorce Ring

The divorce ring was brought to my attention by my younger daughter. I have previously blogged about Divorce Ritual at

http://centerfordivorcemediation.blogspot.com/2008/04/divorce-ritual.html.

The ring is another aspect of Divorce Ritual. The ring pictured above is made of 18K gold and diamonds and was created by Spritzer and Furman. It is available at Alice Kwartler Antiques. The divorce ring costs $3,200. The ring costs more than many divorce mediations I have done. Pity the man who has multiple divorces and must buy a few rings. I can hear wife two saying “You bought one for wife one! I want one too! As usual, mediation is less expensive than litigated divorce. I think you can tell the two rings apart. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(234 11/3/11)