Marriage Rules

When driving, I enjoy listening to what use to be books on tape and now is books on CD’s.  I actually listened to all of Moby Dick but usually listen to fiction and mysteries in particular.  I read nonfiction. It was not unheard for me to sit in a parked car so I could hear the end of a book! Occasionally, I listen to something else.  In particular, I like to listen to books which will make me a better mediator. Recently, I listened to “Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up” by Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.   She is a scholar on the psychology of women and family relationships.  In Marriage Rules gives us just over 100 rules that cover all the hot spots in long-term relationships. Marriage Rules offers new solutions to age-old problems ("He won't talk"/"She doesn't want sex") as well as modern ones (your partner's relationship to technology.) She also suggests how to:

• Calm things down and warm them up• Talk straight and fight fair• Listen well as a spiritual practice• Connect with a distant partner• Survive the unique challenges of children, stepchildren and difficult- laws• Follow a 12-step program to overcome defensiveness• Know how and when to draw the line• Take back your marriage when things fall apart

Marriage Rules suggested many ideas which will help me when mediating and in particular help resolve impasses.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ CDM (264) 12/28/12

 

 

Seder Preidah: Ritural of Release

 

I recently spoke with my good friend, Rabbi Sandy Seltzer. Rabbi Seltzer has mediated divorces with his wife, Rita Pollak, family law attorney, trainer, teacher and mediator and  Past-President of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals.   We were discussing Jewish divorce and he told me about the “Seder Preidah: Ritual of Release.”  I had never heard of it.  When I asked him for more information, he told me he would lend me a book he wrote entitled, “When There Is No Alternative – A Spiritual Guide for Jewish Couples Contemplating Divorce.”  It is the best book I have read about Jewish Divorce. The book discusses much more than Seder Preidah and I highly recommend it.

Seder Preidah is Reform Judaism answer for dealing with some of the problems of divorce.   As Rabbi Seltzer says in part, “In a radical departure from classical Reform’s attitude toward divorce as a purely civil matter, the CCAR in 1988 introduced a “Ritual of Release or Seder Preidah for Divorcing Couples.  Its intent has been to foster a spiritual setting for the termination of a marriage, thereby hopefully lessening it adversarial potential as well as providing a religious context for the expression of grief and loss.  It is not meant to be a Reform version of the get.”

As I get older, I understand even more the need for ritual.  I often told my clients that as painful as going to court when the divorce is granted, it is important because even that legal ritual provides them with more closure and helps them move on.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ CDM (263) 12/21/12

 



Have Gun – Will Mediate

 

One of my all-time favorite TV shows was Have Gun - Will Travel.  I have purchased and watched the CD’s of the show and am now listening to the radio show version on my iPhone.  What I have come to realize is that Paladin was often a mediator.  Perhaps this was part of the shows attraction to me.  He did not call himself a mediator but in episode 23, in the first season one  entitled ” Bitter Wine”, Paladin is hired to mediate a dispute between an Italian vintner and an Irish oilman. I like the way he was a problem solver.  There was always the threat and sometime the use of the gun but he always tried to resolve problems without the use of force.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ CDM (262) 12/14/12

 



Mediation Logos

As I said in my previous blog, today everyone wants a logo.  In my last blog I Goggled Divorce logo. Now I have Goggled Mediation logo.  I thought it would be interesting to see the difference between Divorce and Mediation Logos.  You can see the results of my full search at http://tiny.cc/cdmlogo2.  Below are some of my favorites.   As expected Mediation logos emphasized peace and working together and not broken hearts and controversy.    

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ CDM (261) 11/18/12

 

Divorce Logos

Today everyone wants a logo.  I thought it would be interesting to Google Divorce Logos and see what I found.  You can see the results of my full search http://tiny.cc/cdmlogo .  Below are some of my favorites.  Broken hearts seems to be a popular theme.  I like the more abstract which seem to include something symbolic.  My favorite is the Divaroo because I like kangaroos and want to visit Australia. Also like the divorce superheroes.   I am going to do a search for Mediation Logos next.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ CDM (260) 11/1/12

 

Divorce Pill

When I first saw the web site for the Divorce pill at http://www.thedivorcepill.com/, my reaction was it was a pill you could take to get divorced.  I thought that was a great concept. I have often had clients come to me in such distress that I they wish I could wave a magic wand and they would be divorced.  Unfortunately or not the pill does not do this but is rather a way to deal with the stress of divorce.  Some of the representations on the web site are

How the Divorce Pill Works

The Divorce Pill was specifically created to raise serotonin levels in the brain.

By using a special blend of herbs including

•        St. John's Wart-to promote a positive mood,

•        5-HTP- a precursor of serotonin

•        Korean Ginseng- to enhance mental vitality and physical endurance

•        Valerian Root- supports feelings of calmness and lowers stress levels.

•        Passion Flower- encourages relaxation and Serenity

Cutting edge herbal technology, specifically blended to ease the physical and psychologically induced trauma of divorce

•        Live your life to the fullest

•        The Divorce Pill is perfect for people suffering from depression, anxiety, sleeplessness, and loneliness.

•        Buy One Get One FREE

The Divorce Pill is perfect for people suffering from depression, anxiety, sleeplessness, and loneliness.

"The single most powerful predictor of stress-related physical, as well as emotional illness is marital disruption." National Institute of Mental Health

"The divorced or widowed are 20% more likely to have heart disease, diabetes, cancer, or other chronic conditions" Dr Mark Hayward PHD, University of Texas

"Divorce is a traumatic life event that can trigger significant symptoms of depression" The Surgeon General

"Long-term stress before, during, and after a divorce may accelerate the biologic processes that lead to cardiovascular disease and possibly other chronic diseases" Web MD

I guess we will have to continue to use the tried and true ways of getting a divorce.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM (259) 7/8/12

The Maltese Divorce

As promised in my December 26, 2011 blog, I am returning to the topic of Divorce in Malta. Malta now allows divorce and the only two countries left that don’t are the Philippines and Vatican City. See article about Philippines in June 17, 2011 New York Times by Carlos H. Conde at http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/18/world/asia/18iht-philippines18.html entitled “Philippines Stands All but Alone in Banning Divorce.”  Wikipedia now says, “Legislation introducing divorce came into effect in October 2011 following the result of a referendum on the subject earlier in the year. It provides for no-fault divorce, with the marriage being dissolved through a Court judgment following the request of one of the parties, provided the couple has lived apart for at least four years out of the previous five and adequate alimony is being paid or is guaranteed. The same law made a number of important changes regarding alimony, notably through extending it to children born of marriage who are still in full-time education or are disabled and through protecting alimony even after the Court pronounces a divorce.”  It is no surprise that Maltese divorce attorneys (not Maltese Falcons) are now advertising on the internet!
The following is from the web site of EMD Advocates at http://www.emd.com.mt/advocates/en-us/family-law.aspx?gclid=CMbd_uPp57ACFQ5rhwodnm1X0w

“By virtue of the recent amendments to the Maltese Civil Code, brought about by Act XIV of 2011, divorce in Malta was introduced as a legal remedy which may now be claimed before the Courts of Malta. Heavily influenced by the ‘Irish model’ of divorce legislation, such amendments, in effect, carry with them a number of underlying legal implications stemming from their strategic placement within what is, essentially, a litigious-based personal separation system. Indeed, by virtue of these amendments, the legislative provisions regulating personal separation and divorce would now appear to be inextricably interlinked, with separation proceedings, possibly, serving as a prelude to the initiation of divorce proceedings in Malta.

Under the new Maltese divorce legislation, an aggrieved spouse may file an application before the Maltese Courts, asking for a judicial pronouncement of divorce if the spouses in question have been legally separated for at least four years or have lived apart for a period of, or periods that amount to, at least four years out of the immediately preceding five years. Alternatively, the spouses may file a joint demand for divorce after having reached a consensual agreement that their marriage is to be dissolved. In these circumstances, the Maltese Court must be satisfied that there exists no reasonable prospect of reconciliation between the spouses and that all of their children are, as a matter of fact, receiving adequate maintenance. The new divorce legislation in Malta also caters for the conversion of separation suits into divorce proceedings, subject to proof relating to satisfaction of the necessary preconditions associated with the pronouncement of divorce. Within this context, mediation proceedings would appear to play a more prominent role in relation to attempts at reconciling spouses who are not already legally separated, or who are not parties to a suit of personal separation, thus, also acting as the appropriate forum for negotiations conducive to the pronouncement of divorce on the basis of an agreement entered into voluntarily by the parties.

In this vein, the intricacies surrounding the regulation of maintenance awards, as well as their possible conditioning of the Maltese divorce proceedings as a whole will, undoubtedly, provide fertile ground for the gradual judicial development of structured principles apt to provide greater consistency and stability. Within this context, specialized legal advice is clearly of the essence in choosing between the carefully-constructed routes now available under Maltese law.

Our legal team enjoys vast experience in dealing with contentious family law matters and, while embracing the challenges brought about by the recent legislative amendments regarding divorce in Malta, looks forward to providing the necessary individual attention essential to the fulfillment of each client’s personal expectations.”

In particular I like when they say,”… mediation proceedings would appear to play a more prominent role in relation to attempts at reconciling spouses who are not already legally separated, or who are not parties to a suit of personal separation, thus, also acting as the appropriate forum for negotiations conducive to the pronouncement of divorce on the basis of an agreement entered into voluntarily by the parties.”

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM (257) 7/1/12

Judith S. Wallerstein

I don’t usually reference obituary’s in our blog but I could not let the passing of Judith S. Wallerstein go without mention. See obituary in New York Times at http://www.nytimes.com/2012/06/21/health/research/judith-s-wallerstein-psychologist-who-analyzed-divorce-dies-at-90.html?smid=pl-share  Judith S. Wallerstein is must reading for anyone in the divorce field. Her books are all classics.  They are not only informative but thought provoking and challenged all of us to analyze what we think and what we do.  Her works include:

Second Chances: Men, Women and Children a Decade After Divorce
The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts
Second Chances: Men, Women and Children a Decade After Divorce
Surviving The Breakup: How Children And Parents Cope With Divorce
The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25-Year Landmark Study

As the New York Times said Judith Wallerstein was “an expert on divorce whose analysis ignited a national debate over its effect on children.”

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM (258) 7/27/12

Make Your Own Wedding Ring

I have always been art and crafts oriented.  I make walking sticks and wine bottle stoppers.  I taught arts and crafts at a day camp.  My wife and I each made each other wedding gifts – a necklace from melon seeds and wine glasses from Michelob bottles.  When I saw an article on make your own wedding rings, I was very interested.  The Web site for New York Wedding Ring is http://www.newyorkweddingring.com/?gclid=CKu8r6vk57ACFWIGRQodT3GC2A

They say on their home page:

“Join us for a romantic and rewarding experience as you make your own wedding rings or engagement ring, by hand, in our fine jewelry studios in New York City and San Francisco.

Our one-on-one professional jewelry classes enable couples to make meaningful custom wedding rings in one day under the guidance of a professional goldsmith. We offer 99% recycled metals: gold, platinum, palladium, and mokume gane.

Most of the wedding and engagement rings pictured on this site were handmade in by clients with no prior metal-arts experience. Wedding rings usually take one session while you can make your own engagement ring in 1-2 day workshops. Browse the links above to learn more about New York Wedding Ring's unique attitude towards custom jewelry”

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM (256) 6/24/12

Divorce, Marriage, and the Presidents – Part 5 – Infidelity

WARNING.  THIS BLOG IS A SURVEY OF WHAT IS REPORTED ON THE INTERNET ON PRESIDENTIAL INFIDELITY.  THE BLOG IS MEANT TO REPORT THIS CONTENT AND IN NO WAY REPRESENTS THAT THE MATERIAL IS CORRECT. WHERE THE MATERIAL IS MORE QUESTIONABLE, I HAVE USED RANDOM LETTERS AND NOT FULL NAMES.Is it part of being President that you need to be loved by everyone?  As researched on the internet, “Human nature has not changed at all since the first man was born—let alone since the first president was elected. Indeed, presidential love affairs are almost as old as the profession itself. Many former presidents had affairs before and during their presidencies. In their day, though, most Americans and the rest of the world did not know about what went on—for various or obvious reasons. Following are some alleged relationships of some of the Presidents.
Jefferson promised his dying wife would not marry but had a relationship with wife’s half sister Sally Hemmings and perhaps Maria Cosway in France.   Jefferson became the first to claim “executive privilege”—a term that has acquired a number of different meanings in the life of the republic. It includes numerous liberties for the president that go beyond the bill of rights including “unique sexual rights

Jackson’s extramarital affair appeared to be a mistake. He married wife Rachel Donelson Robards at 24, not knowing her divorce from first husband Lewis Robards remained unsettled.

Van Buren after the death of his wife in 1818, proposed to Ellen Randolph, a granddaughter of Thomas Jefferson, before she married in 1825. In his memoirs, he refers to her as “a very interesting young lady...and my warm friend.”

Garfield according to one biographer, had a brief affair with a Mrs. X in New York City in 1862. His wife discovered the truth and charged him with yielding to “lawless passion”. He later asked Calhoun to return his love letters and then destroyed them.

As previously blogged, before Cleveland’s presidency, 33-year-old Maria C. Halpin moved to Buffalo where she kept company with various men, including the young Cleveland. In 1874, she gave birth to a son, whom she named Oscar Folsom Cleveland. Cleveland, never sure the child was his, provided financial support but refused to marry her.

Wilson married in 1885 and he and his beloved Wife Ellen had three daughters. While vacationing alone in Bermuda one year, Wilson met and became involved in an extramarital affair with Mrs. X. They continued meeting secretly in various places.

As previously  blogged, Harding for 15 years saw X, wife of a Harding friend. Nan Britton while a teenager in Ohio developed a crush on Harding. In 1919, the year before Harding’s run for President, Britton gave birth to a baby girl. She said it was Harding’s.

Eleanor Roosevelt hired Lucy Page Mercer as her social secretary. She unveiled Mercer and her husband’s affair in 1918. She threatened divorce if he did not end the relationship. He agreed, but, despite his promise, resumed the affair later, and Mercer frequently visited the white house and was with Roosevelt when he died in Warm Springs, Georgia.

Kay Summersby was assigned to drive then General Eisenhower during a visit to London. She had been engaged, but her fiancée had died in combat, after which she became Eisenhower’s personal secretary and military aid.

Correspondence between the two later came to light and soon afterward disappeared. In the letter Eisenhower announced his intention to divorce his wife and marry Summersby. He never divorced his wife, and after the war he never saw Kay Summersby again.

Kennedy is rumored to have had affairs with stripper X, painter Y, mafia wife Judith Campbell Exner and—most famous of them all—actress and sex symbol Marilyn Monroe.  Just recently, White House intern Mimi Alford also disclosed her relationship with Kennedy

One biographer claims that Johnson had a longtime love affair with T. Interestly, she is said to have broken off the relationship because she opposed the Vietnam War.

One of his many sexual partners became pregnant in 1950, prior to him being in the white house. Her name was G and she gave birth to LBJ's son.. Johnson did take care of G and his son financially, both before and after G was born. The illicit affair lasted for 21 years and Johnson set her up in an apartment for their discreet rendezvous.

Clinton:  Monica and many allegedly.  No need to say more.

Interestingly, I  have not been able to find any reference to first lady affairs.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM (253) 6/17/12

Divorce Boat

I use to suggest that we do mediation on a cruise and call it Divorce Boat, a variation on the TV show, Love Boat.  My idea was to let be able to let couples focus and be more relaxed.  It would make it easier to resolve the divorce.  A variation was to do it at a spa.  Most people that it was not a great idea and I never pursued it.   Then on May 27, 2012 I read in the New York Times an article about the Divorce Hotel.  See full article at http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/27/business/the-divorce-hotel-a-true-weekend-getaway.html?smid=pl-share  the concept is the same. The rates are high and the difference in state laws is still a problem.   I am curious to see if Divorce Hotel catches on.  Perhaps I will now pursue my idea.  I was impressed that they discussed using mediators but disappointed that no mediators were quoted in the article.   I take issue with the quote of Mr. Cohen, a divorce lawyer, who says,  “the courts are so backed up with cases that people are moving toward mediation and arbitration to end marriages, at least when huge sums of money or child custody are not at stake.” This is a self serving comment made by many divorce attorneys.  We have mediated many cases with multimillion dollar assets and child custody at stake.  It is my experience that mediation actually resolves these cases much better than adversary divorce.  There is no proof to substantiate what Mr. Cohen says.  In fact the study we did shows there is no difference in the financial results of mediated and adversary cases.  See study at http://center-divorce-mediation.com/az_divorce_mediation_study_of_divorce_outcomes1.htm

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM (255) 6/10/12

Relationship Agreements

It is unusual for me to read something new about marriage or divorce but what caught my eye in the May 22, 2012 article about the wedding of Mark Zuckerberg to Priscilla Chan was the line that said, “In fact, given that Ms. Chan reportedly asked Mr. Zuckerberg to sign a relationship agreement before she moved to California several years ago to be with him — outlining issues like how much time they should spend together” See full article at  http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/22/technology/zuckerbergs-property-status-post-marriage.html?smid=pl-share  Perhaps, more later about all the community property issues.  But back to relationship agreements.  I had never heard of them.  I Googled.  It was popularized by the TV Show, “Big Bang Theory.  It was the agreement  Sheldon drew up after he and Amy became boyfriend and girlfriend. I can’t find the origin. More about the agreement or contract at http://relationshipcontract.net/RelationshipContract.html where they  say  “the purpose of this contract is to provide an alternative for couples who want to make a commitment to each other that is more than the choice of living together and not as final as marriage with an ‘Until death do us part’ promise. The two most important and unique ingredients of this agreement are the semi-annual question and answer session and the choice of a specific time frame for partners to agree to be together. You can enter into this agreement as a test prior to a marriage decision, or choose this alternative to commit to a partner for a specific time frame. Couples that are already married are encouraged to use this agreement’s key ingredients to further develop their relationship. This agreement is a tool to communicate, as well as a symbol of your commitment.”

It is similar to the agreement we do when we do Marital Mediation and it in many ways it is like the Jewish Ketubah.  It is also a natural extension of premarital counseling which I am a strong advocate of.  It is also similar to the contract we prepare when we do when we do Marital Mediation. 

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM (253) 6/3/12

Divorce, Marriage, and the Presidents - Part 4 - Divorce

Divorce is a recognized handicap in politics. Until Ronald Regan was elected President in 1980 no candidate who had been divorced was elected President. Ironically, he also signed California’s first no fault divorce law while governor. The stigma of divorce is not what is once was. The first Presidential elections I remember is Eisenhower and Stevenson in 1952. The fact that Stevenson had been divorced made his nomination for president on the democratic ticket initially doubtful in 1952. Even though damage to Stevenson's political standing was lessened by the fact that he had not remarried, polls indicated that his divorced status would cost him votes. Stevenson had a problem because he was divorced but running against the very popular World War II hero did not help either. More recently, Republicans have nominated divorced men in Bob Dole and John McCain. In four of the last eight presidential elections, the Republicans have nominated a divorced man. Neither won. Neither Bob Dole or Ronald Reagan’s divorces were tied to infidelity. And John McCain’s first wife, Carol refused to speak out. It looks like Romney will be the Republican nominee. It would have been interesting to hear more what Gingrich first wife has had to say. The six leading contenders for the 2008 Republican Nomination (McCain, Romney, Huckabee, Paul, Thompson, and Giuliani had been married a total of ten times. John Kerry is the only recent Democratic nominee to be divorced and remarried. In 2008, Chris Dodd had done so, and Dennis Kucinick, for whatever it's worth, was on wife number three. In 2004 Kerry, Kucinich, and Lieberman were divorce. Lieberman may be the only candidate to ever get a “get” (Jewish divorce). Ted Kennedy ran against Carter in 1980. In early 1978, he and his wife, Joan, separated. The couple remained together announcing plans to divorce in 1981; the divorce was finalized in 1982. Franklin D. Roosevelt had an affair with Lucy Mercer and contemplated a divorce from Eleanor but whether true or not it was said that his mother would not let him get divorced because she felt that it would keep him from being President. This seems to be a common thread because it has also been said the Roosevelt was born at Campobello in Canada but his mother said it was in the United States for the same reason. Who cannot forget that divorce and remarriage to a divorcee toppled Governor Nelson A. Rockefeller from the position of front-runner for the 1964 Republican Presidential nomination.

It does not seem to be as much as a problem for first ladies. Rachel Jackson was divorce and will be the subject of a future blog. So was Florence “Flossie” King DeWolfe, a divorcee with one son, who married Warren Harding, five years her junior in 1891 and Elizabeth Ann Bloomer who divorced her first husband, William Warren, in 1947 and married Gerald Ford a year later.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM (252 5/27/12)

Divorce, Marriage, and the Presidents Part 3 – Warren G. Harding

I have always been fascinated with Warren Harding.  As I type an autographed letter and picture are looking down on me.  “The Shadow of Blooming Grove” by Francis Russell was one of the first presidential biographies I collected and is one of 300 I own.  I have updated it from the Book of the Month Club edition and even a different copy published in England.  We also visited his home in Marion, Ohio, visited Teapot Dome in Wyoming and picked up an oily rock from there. I also like the fact the Franklin D. Roosevelt ran on the opposing ticket as the Vice Presidential candidate for James Cox in 1920.

Harding is well known for his extramarital affairs.  Internet research shows that allegedly, for 15 years Harding saw Carrie Phillips, wife of Harding’s friend James Phillips. After he won the Republican presidential nomination, the Republican National Committee attempted to silence Phillips with an all-expense paid trip to Japan, a $20,000 payment as well as a promise of future monthly stipends. But is the story of Nan Britton which captures the imagination. I have her book called the President’s Daughter.  My mother told me when she was a child (she was born in 1919) the book was considered a very racy book.  Britton was recently depicted on the HBO series, Boardwalk Empire.  She was a teenager in Ohio she developed a crush on Harding. In 1919, the year before Harding’s run for President, Britton gave birth to a baby girl. She said it was Harding’s.

With the help of secret service agents, Nan sneaked into the White House, and she and the President would walk down a hidden hallway, which Nan called it “our secret passage”—connecting the oval office and a coat closet. Inside the 5-by-5-foot closet, they would make love.

In 1923, with scandals breaking out all around him, the President fled Washington for a tour of the west and Alaska. On the return trip he became ill, and on august 2, he died in his San Francisco hotel room. He was 58.

The cause of death was reported as a stroke, but Harding had suffered food poisoning earlier in the trip. Later an agent for the Bureau of Investigation published a report claiming that Florence had poisoned the President. But no one could ever prove it. Mrs. Harding had refused to have an autopsy done on her husband. Was this her way of divorcing him?

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM (251) 5/20/12

Divorce, Marriage, and the Presidents, Part 2 - Grover Cleveland

Sorry I have not blogged for awhile.  I must be in the mood but this is my 250^th blog! Why do so many Presidents adjust their names?  It was actual Stephen Grover Cleveland, Hiram Ulysses Grant,Thomas Woodrow Wilson, John Calvin Coolidge, Jr., Gerald Ford was Leslie Lynch King, Jr., Bill Clinton was William Jefferson Blythe III and maybe Willard Mitt Romney. But I am digressing from my continuation of discussion of Divorce, Marriage, and the Presidents.  Cleveland had John Edward’s scandal and survived it. 

To counter Cleveland's image of superior morality while running for President against James Blaine who was allegedly corrupt, Republicans discovered reports that Cleveland had fathered an illegitimate child while he was a lawyer in Buffalo, and chanted "Ma, Ma, where's my Pa?  (Following the Cleveland’s electoral victory, the "Ma, Ma ..." attack phrase gained a classic rejoinder: "Gone to the White House. Ha! Ha! Ha!") When confronted with the emerging scandal, Cleveland's instructions to his campaign staff were: "Tell the truth." Cleveland admitted to paying child support in 1874 to Maria Crofts Halpin, the woman who claimed he fathered her child named Oscar Folsom Cleveland. Halpin was involved with several men at the time, including Cleveland's friend and law partner, Oscar Folsom, for whom the child was also named. Cleveland did not know which man was the father, and is believed to have assumed responsibility because he was the only bachelor among them.


But it does not stop there.  Cleveland entered the White House as a bachelor. His sister, Rose Cleveand, moved into the White House and acted as hostess for the first two years of his administration. In 1885 the daughter of Cleveland's friend Oscar Folsom visited him in Washington. Frances Folsom was a student at Wells College; when she returned to school, President Cleveland received her mother's permission to correspond with her. They were soon engaged to be married.

On June 2, 1886, Cleveland married Frances Folsom in the Blue Room at the White House. He was the second president to marry while in office (Tyler was the first), and the only president to have a wedding in the White House. This marriage was unusual because Cleveland was the executor of Oscar Folsom's estate and had supervised Frances' upbringing after her father's death, but the public did not take exception to the match. At twenty-one years old, Frances Folsom Cleveland remains the youngest First Lady, and the public soon warmed to her beauty and warm personality. The Clevelands had five children: Ruth (1891–1904)(Baby Ruth candy bar was named after her and not Babe Ruth); Ester (1893–1980); Marion (1895–1977); Richard Folsom (1897–1974); and Francis Grover (1903–1995).

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM (250) 5/13/12

Divorce, Marriage, and the Presidents Part 1

Very often my varied interests and activities overlap. This time the overlap was divorce and the Presidents.   I recently was thinking how Newt Gingrich’s divorces did not prevent him from running, the issue made over Adlai Stevenson’s divorce, that Reagan’s divorce put the issue to rest.  It got me thinking of doing a DTV show on Divorce Marriage and the Presidents.  I thought if I was doing the research for that I might as well do a blog too.  I thought of possible guests – Doris Kearns Goodwin was  a little of reach for me, Jim Nintzel and Andrea Kelly from Arizona Media were too busy and Jeff Spiers of American Political Biography and a source for many of my Presidential biographies did not want to be a guest let alone use Skype.  Then I realized I was a good guest and asked Vicki Evans, my friend at Access Tucson to interview me.  It turns out the Vicki is very knowledgeable about Presidents and it should be a great show.  If I was doing a Divorce TV show, I should also do a blog and so here I am blogging.   It has been very interesting researching the topic.  I realized it would be too long for one blog so this will me multiple blogs focus on one or more Presidents.  This is as much the story of the First Ladies as the President.  The wife’s role has evolved as the role of women in society has changes.   Attitude toward divorce has changed.  Many couples including Presidents stayed in unhappy marriages. Many Presidents were widowers and remarried.  The stigma of a divorced candidate changed with Ronald Reagan as a Catholic candidate changed with Kennedy.       It really has not been a significant issue with Newt Gingrich but he has other problems.  I had forgotten until I started my research that Presidential candidates Bob Dole and John Kerry were divorced.  Another question which creeps in is the sexual orientation of Presidents.  This was the case with Lincoln and with the first President I will discuss – James Buchanan.

Buchanan was the only President who remained a bachelor his entire term.  Grover Cleveland was a bachelor when elected but married in office.   Buchanan was our 15^th President and served before Lincoln.  As a quick aside Buchanan was also alleged to have eyes of different colors.  I turned to Philip Shriver Klein’s definitive biography of Buchanan.  It turns out that attorney Buchanan was actually engaged to Ann Coleman, the daughter of a very wealthy Father who was one of America’s first millionaires.  Buchanan was more concerned with business than Ann and she was afraid he was only marrying her for her money.  Buchanan was away on business and when he returned he visited Mrs. William Jenkins and her pretty and charming sister, Miss Grace Hubley.  Ann was indignant that Buchanan should visit anyone and especially a women before seeing her and released Buchanan from the engagement. Ann went to Philadelphia where she suddenly died.  Buchanan was looked upon as a murderer.  An article in the May 19, 1901 New York Times elaborates.  It says, “Throughout the rest of his life Buchanan is not known to reveal to anybody the circumstances of this romantic tragedy.  He would only say that it had changed his hopes and plans, and had led him more deeply than ever into politics as a distraction from his grief.”  Being a bachelor did not hurt Buchanan from getting elected but he was helped more by being Ambassador to England and was not caught up in the crossfire of sectional politics that dominated the country.  He was also the last of the so called “doughface” Presidents who in the years leading up to the Civil War were Northerners who favored the Southern position in political disputes.  No unmarried candidate has run since Stevenson.  I am not sure if it would make a difference.  Time will tell.              

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com  WM (249) 3/25/12

If Divorce Was a Martial Art What Would It Be?

There are 100’s if not 1000’s of types of martial arts. Divorce is often seen as combat.  After recently reading about martial arts, I wondered if different  divorce processes were  martial arts, what would they be?   I will only discuss the martial arts that are most popular in American  culture – judo, jutizu, tae kawando, karate, and kung fu.  I don’t totally rely on Wikepedia but it is often a good place to start and to get a summary.  Wikepedia  says: 

JUDO (meaning "gentle way") is a modern martial art, combat sport and Olympic sport created in Japan in 1882. Its most prominent feature is its competitive element, where the object is to either throw or takedown one's opponent to the ground, immobilize or otherwise subdue one's opponent with a grappling maneuver, or force an opponent to submit by joint locking or by executing a strangle hold or choke.

KARATE  is a martial art developed in Okinawa, Japan. It was developed partially from indigenous fighting methods called te (literally "hand") and from Chinese kenpō. Karate is a striking art using punching, kicking, knee and elbow strikes, and open-handed techniques such as knife-hands. Grappling, locks, restraints, throws, and vital point strikes are taught in some styles.

JUJUTSU is a Japanese martial art and a method of close combat for defeating an armed and armored opponent in which one uses no weapon, or only a short weapon.  In some countries the word jujutsu is spelt in English as jujitsu, ju-jitsu, or Japanese jiu-jitsu. "Jū" can be translated to mean "gentle, supple, flexible, pliable, or yielding." "Jutsu" can be translated to mean "art" or "technique" and represents manipulating the opponent's force against himself rather than confronting it with one's own force.  Jujutsu developed among the samurai of feudal Japan as a method for defeating an armed and armored opponent in which one uses no weapon, or only a short weapon.  Because striking against an armored opponent proved ineffective, practitioners learned that the most efficient methods for neutralizing an enemy took the form of pins, joint locks, and throws. These techniques were developed around the principle of using an attacker's energy against him, rather than directly opposing it.

TAEKWONDO  is a Korean martial art. In Korean, tae  means "to strike or break with foot"; kwon  means "to strike or break with fist"; and do  means "way", "method", or "path". Thus, taekwondo may be loosely translated as "the way of the hand and the foot." It combines combat techniques, self-defense, sport, exercise, and in some cases meditation and philosophy. The art in general emphasizes kicks thrown from a mobile stance, employing the leg's greater reach and power (compared to the arm). Taekwondo training generally includes a system of blocks, kicks, punches, and open-handed strikes and may also include various take-downs or sweeps, throws, and joint locks. Some taekwondo instructors also incorporate the use of pressure points, known as jiapsul, as well as grabbing self-defense techniques borrowed from other martial arts, such as hapkido and judo.

KUNG FU, gongfu, or gung fu  is a Chinese term referring to any study, learning, or practice that requires patience, energy, and time to complete, often used in the West to refer to Chinese martial arts. In its original meaning, kung fu can refer to any skill achieved through hard work and practice, not necessarily martial. Originally, to practice kung fu did not just mean to practice Chinese martial arts. Instead, it referred to the process of one's training - the strengthening of the body and the mind, the learning and the perfection of one's skills - rather than to what was being trained. It refers to excellence achieved through long practice in any endeavor.  In the colloquial, you can say that a person's kung fu is good in cooking, or that someone has kung fu in calligraphy; saying that a person possesses kung fu in an area implies skill in that area, which they have worked hard to develop. Someone with "bad kung fu" simply has not put enough time and effort into training, or seems to lack the motivation to do so.

Let me try to summarize the philosophy of each.

JUDO (meaning "gentle way") is a modern martial art, combat sport and Olympic sport created in Japan in 1882. Its most prominent feature is its competitive element, where the object is to either throw or takedown one's opponent to the ground, immobilize or otherwise subdue one's opponent with a grappling maneuver, or force an opponent to submit by joint locking or by executing a strangle hold or choke.

KARATE  is a martial art developed in Okinawa, Japan. It was developed partially from indigenous fighting methods called te (literally "hand") and from Chinese kenpō. Karate is a striking art using punching, kicking, knee and elbow strikes, and open-handed techniques such as knife-hands. Grappling, locks, restraints, throws, and vital point strikes are taught in some styles.

JUJUTSU is a Japanese martial art and a method of close combat for defeating an armed and armored opponent in which one uses no weapon, or only a short weapon.  These techniques were developed around the principle of using an attacker's energy against him, rather than directly opposing it.

TAEKWONDO  is a Korean martial art and the national sport of South Korea. In Korean, tae  means "to strike or break with foot"; kwon  means "to strike or break with fist"; and do  means "way", "method", or "path". Thus, taekwondo may be loosely translated as "the way of the hand and the foot." It combines combat techniques, self-defense, sport, exercise, and in some cases meditation and philosophy.

KUNG FU, gongfu, or gung fu  is a Chinese term referring to any study, learning, or practice that requires patience, energy, and time to complete, often used in the West to refer to Chinese martial arts. In its original meaning, kung fu can refer to any skill achieved through hard work and practice, not necessarily martial. In Chinese, Gōngfu is a compound of two words, combining (gōng) meaning "work", "achievement", or "merit", and  which translates into "man", so that a literal rendering would be "achievement of man". Its connotation is that of an accomplishment arrived at by great effort of time and energy. In Mandarin, when two "first tone" words such as gōng and fū are combined, the second word often takes a neutral tone, in this case forming gōngfu. Originally, to practice kung fu did not just mean to practice Chinese martial arts. Instead, it referred to the process of one's training - the strengthening of the body and the mind, the learning and the perfection of one's skills - rather than to what was being trained. It refers to excellence achieved through long practice in any endeavor.  This meaning can be traced to classical writings and specially to Neo-Confucianism which emphasize the importance of effort in education.

Now back to my original question. If Divorce Was a Martial Art What Would It Be? It may be more of a range than a specific divorce process.

  JUDO is the  "gentle way" but is competitive element, where the object is to either throw or takedown one's opponent to the ground, immobilize or otherwise subdue one's opponent with a grappling maneuver, or force an opponent to submit by joint locking or by executing a strangle hold or choke.  This is clearly an adversary process but perhaps with more subtle force?

KARATE to me is not gentle and my vision is always of someone breaking something.  Not unlike a spouse throwing a lamp at the other spouse. Definitely very adversary.

JUJUTSU developed around the principle of using an attacker's energy against him, rather than directly opposing it. It is the martial art that made me start thinking about divorce.  Perhaps mediation.

TAEKWONDO combines combat techniques, self-defense, sport, exercise, and in some cases meditation and philosophy. Meditation and mediation are always confused in the Yellow Pages. 

KUNG FU refers to any study, learning, or practice that requires patience, energy, and time to complete. In its original meaning, kung fu can refer to any skill achieved through hard work and practice, not necessarily martial. Its connotation is that of an accomplishment arrived at by great effort of time and energy. Originally, to practice kung fu did not just mean to practice Chinese martial arts. Instead, it referred to the process of one's training - the strengthening of the body and the mind, the learning and the perfection of one's skills - rather than to what was being trained. It refers to excellence achieved through long practice in any endeavor.  Once again, I think mediation comes the closest.

It would appear if divorce was a martial art it would be mediation. 

This was not the conclusion I expected but the emphasis on meditation, philosophy, and self awareness makes it more akin to mediation.  Perhaps the Zen of Mediation where Zen (once again per Wikepedia) emphasizes the personal expression of experiential wisdom in the attainment of enlightenment and de-emphasizes adherence to standardized theoretical knowledge in favor of direct self-realization through meditation.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(248) 3/16/12