Marriage of Limited Duration

I have long advocated marriages of limited duration with an option to renew. This seemed farfetched to most people but Mexico is actually considering it. A recent article from Reuters by Alex Leff says, “Mexico City lawmakers want to help newlyweds avoid the hassle of divorce by giving them an easy exit strategy: temporary marriage licenses. The proposed a reform to the civil code would allow couples to decide on the length of their commitment, opting out of a lifetime. The minimum marriage contract would be for two years and could be renewed if the couple stays happy. The contracts would include provisions on how children and property would be handled if the couple splits."You wouldn't have to go through the tortuous process of divorce. http://tiny.cc/CDM122311 The church criticized the proposed change. This reform is absurd. It contradicts the nature of marriage," said Hugo Valdemar, spokesman for the Mexican archdiocese.”

This would not put Divorce Mediators out of business. Many of us also do Marital Mediation which in the case of a marriage of limited duration could be used to help the marriage or problem solve the renewal of the marriage.

Under this law we would not only have quickie Mexican divorces but quicke Mexican marriages.

In contrast to this Malta held a divorce referendum in May to consult the electorate on the introduction of divorce which resulted in a majority of the voters approving legalization of divorce. This will be the subject of a future blog.

I don’t think this is a bad idea. The person you marry is not always the same person you divorce. People and circumstances change and this would avoid the agonies of divorce. It may also actually make the people work harder on the marriage because otherwise there will not be a marriage.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(241) 12/26/11

Don’t Be Fooled When Eating Cereal or Getting Divorced

While eating breakfast this morning I tried a new cereal. As I am getting older I try to eat low calorie, high fiber low sugar cereal with low fat milk. This has leaded me to compare the different cereals. I use to just look at the number of calories in a portion but then I noticed that each box of cereal defines portion differently. I think to keep the calorie number lower. Sum portions are a cup, 2/3 of a cup, 3/4 of a cup or 1 and 1/4 cups. This is like the candy bars which get smaller and remain the same size or the big box with less contents. The moral of the story is you must read the fine print and do a comprehensive comparison. What does this have to do with mediation and divorce? As my younger daughter says, I can find a blog or tweet about mediation in anything! When coming up with settlement options you have to do a comprehensive comparison. For example, if you are getting stock don’t just look at the current value but look at the basis so you know the capital gains. 100 shares of Coke with a value of $100 and a basis of $100 and 100 shares of Pepsi with a value of $100 and basis of $50 when sold and capital gains taxes paid are not equal. Money from and IRA and money in a saving account are not equal because of taxes and penalties. So be careful!

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(241) 12/19/11

My Op/Ed Divorce Style Mediation and Political Disputes

My first and maybe not last op/ed.

Divorce-style mediation might have a place in political disputes Walter Marcus Special To The Arizona Daily Star

Listening to the Republicans and Democrats of the supercommittee blaming each other instead of problem-solving sounds eerily is like listening to parties to a divorce.
As a mediator who has successfully mediated hundreds of cases, I believe that legislative disputes can be resolved (or at least improved) by using the tools of facilitative mediation.
Here's how I would approach "the case": With everyone present in one room, each side would designate a spokesperson. After reviewing the mediation process and ground rules (respectful listening, no interruptions, no threats, no ultimatums, confidentiality) the first agreement from both sides would need to be that information from the mediation process would not be used in the future.
The process then begins with each side providing the factual basis for their interest. The process cannot proceed until the parties agree on the underlying facts. The supercommittee never agreed on the underlying facts, which doomed the process.
The process continues with the parties articulating their goals. It is essential that the real interest come out. In the supercommittee case, it would appear that the real interest is for each side to win the next election. If the real interest is winning the next election, each party must be convinced that the resolution won't hurt them at the polls.
With all this on the table, we get to the tough part of the mediation - getting the parties to brainstorm, think outside the box and come up with a win-win solutions. Ironically, a solution endorsed by both sides and an agreement not to use it as a club in the next election could be one path toward a resolution.
Mediation is not a silver bullet, but it can be an effective process and just might work. Often it happens in mediation that the parties learn to communicate better without a mediator and so strengthen relationships, which helps with the inevitable future conflicts. Why not give it a try?

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(241) 12/12/11

Divorce, Marriage, and Mediation License Plates

Surprised I have not done this before but below are the license plates I have found. Send in pictures you have found. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(238) 12/5/11

Surprised I have not done this before but above are the license plates I have found. Send in pictures you have found. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(238) 12/5/11

Divorce, Gandhi and Satyagraha

I recently saw the very creative production of the opera, Satyagraha, by Philip Glass and presented live by the Metropolitan Opera on HD in movie theaters. The opera is about Gandhi and his early efforts in South Africa. Satyagraha is a word he coined which roughly translated means force of truth. It was the name of Gandhi’s newspaper. It is derived from Satya - truth; implying openness, honesty, and fairness, Ahimsa - refusal to inflict injury upon others and Tapasya - willingness for self-sacrifice. I have always been fascinated by Gandhi but never thought of his principles and how they relate to mediation. It is obvious that the core principles of Satyagraha and mediation are the same. It is what I strive for in my mediations. I am now inspired to read more. There is a encore performance of the Opera on December 7, 2011 and you should consider seeing it. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(237) 11/28/11

Rashomon and Divorce Mediation

One of my favorite movies is Rashomon. It is an Akira Kurosawa in which a crime witnessed by four individuals is described in four mutually contradictory ways. The film is based on two short stories by Ryūnosuke Akutagawa. The word Rashomon is now commonly used to describe the effect of the subjectivity of perception on recollection, by which observers of an event are able to produce substantially different but equally plausible accounts of it. I just heard it used today on NPR and I made my daughters watch the movie so they would understand the word. It is seen often in popular culture and has been used on All in the Family, Grey’s Anatomy, Happy Days, The Simpsons, How I Met Your Mother and many other TV shows. I once tried a case where a women was hit by a car as she was walking in a cross walk. There were three witnesses and each saw a different color traffic light. I am surprised I have not blogged about the Rashomon Effect before because it happens all the time in marriage and divorce. There is not much a mediator can do about the Rashomon Effect but recognize the effect and to have the parties agree to disagree. Neither party will ever convince the other party. They must Accept and move on.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(236) 11/17/11

Divorce Mediation and Good Behavior

After a mediation, I often see the couple speaking in the parking lot of my office. This happens so often that I now offer them the opportunity to talk in one of our conference rooms which is at least cooler. They often look different in the parking lot. More angry and agitated. I also recall that many years ago, I was doing mediation and for about 20 minutes, the couple spoke to each other and I said nothing. I suggested that they did not need me and they said something which helps explain the parking lot conversations in reverse and another use of a mediator. What the couple said was they needed me because they were on good behavior when I was there. I have thought I could make money and couples could save money if I could sell them a blow up doll version of me. I think the dynamics of this is that people behavior is better with strangers. Once you cease to be a stranger which happens after a while in mediation this is no longer the case. What is happening in the parking lot is that I am not there and they don’t have to be on good behavior and can say things unrestrained. That is why I have always felt there is a window of opportunity to resolve a case. Couples need to take advantage of this opportunity.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(235) 11/10/11

Divorce Ring

The divorce ring was brought to my attention by my younger daughter. I have previously blogged about Divorce Ritual at

http://centerfordivorcemediation.blogspot.com/2008/04/divorce-ritual.html.

The ring is another aspect of Divorce Ritual. The ring pictured above is made of 18K gold and diamonds and was created by Spritzer and Furman. It is available at Alice Kwartler Antiques. The divorce ring costs $3,200. The ring costs more than many divorce mediations I have done. Pity the man who has multiple divorces and must buy a few rings. I can hear wife two saying “You bought one for wife one! I want one too! As usual, mediation is less expensive than litigated divorce. I think you can tell the two rings apart. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(234 11/3/11)

Divorce Word Cloud

Recently, I seem to have a fascination with depicting words. I have seen visualizations of words in the media. With iPhone apps people can now do things that use to take expensive software. I was please to see I could get a free app that would create word clouds. A word cloud is a visual representation for text data, typically used to depict the frequency of each word shown with font size and/or color. The assumption is that important words are larger and in a different color. The word cloud above is a visualization of the documents necessary to start a divorce action in court in Arizona. I had to increase the frequency of a word appearing to at least 20 times and taking out some common words or it would have not been readable. It is interesting to see how the words COURT and YOU are the biggest and most frequent and the word attorney is in the smallest font. The word child is somewhere in between. I am not sure if this is a significant statement about the divorce process but it certainly is interesting. Unfortunately, the word mediation did not show up at all. As I write this, I think I will do another word cloud using the Divorce Memorandum of Understanding and Consent Decree and see how it compares.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(233) 10/27/11

Divorce and Ambigrams

I am sorry I have not been able to blog for awhile. Just did not seem to have the time. I enjoy blogging and missed it and will try harder to blog at least once a week.

I was fascinated by ambigrams before I knew what they were called. My initials WM and my license plate zwmz are both ambigrams. I learned the name for the first time when I read Dan Brown’s “Angels and Demons.” For those of you who don’t know what an ambigram is the following quote from Wikepedia
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ambigram) explains:
“An ambigram is a typographical design or art form that may be read as one or more words not only in its form as presented, but also from another viewpoint, direction, or orientation. The words readable in the other viewpoint, direction or orientation may be the same or different from the original words. Douglas R. Hofstadter describes an ambigram as a "calligraphic design that manages to squeeze two different readings into the selfsame set of curves." Different ambigram artists (sometimes called ambigramists) may create completely different ambigrams from the same word or words, differing in both style and form.” The above drawing is an ambigram for the word divorce.
My daughter says I can make anything into a blog about mediation. As usual, she is correct. This in part the case because I believe in synergy which may be defined as two or more things functioning together to produce a result not independently obtainable. In this case I am taking ambigrams, divorce and mediation.
In mediating a divorce the parties must look at things from another viewpoint, direction, or orientation but hopefully come up with a similar result. With an ambigram we look at a word in a different way (usually upside down) but see something not only similar but the same. When we do this in mediating a divorce we come up with new and creative solutions to the problems the couple is having resolving their case.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(232) 10/20/11

Divorce Myths

I recently looked at the old copies of our newsletter called “The Divorce Mediator.” In the June 2003 copy which was our 11th newsletter, we did an article about Divorce Assumptions and Myths. As I am always thinking about potential blogs and programs for Arizona ACR, I thought this would be a good topic to identify mediation myths. As usual I googled “mediation myths.” I was surprised as usual to find there were lots of hits. I am always reminded of Sherlock Holmes saying in “A Study in Scarlet, “There is nothing new under the sun. It has all been done before." As usual Sherlock is correct.

Our list for Connecticut law of divorce myths was:
1. The husband must pay the wife a year of alimony for every two years of marriage.
2. The wife’s alimony terminates when she remarries.
3. The mother always gets physical custody of the children.
4. Assets are equally divided and each person keeps premarital assets.
5. The person who pays child support gets the tax exemption and credit.
6. Property in an individual’s name is not marital property.

Steven H. Kruis in an article on the National Institute for Advanced Conflict Resolution at
http://www.niacr.org/papers/article3.htm listed the following mediation myths.
Myth No. 1: All Mediations are the same -- One Size Fits All.
Myth No. 2: Certain Types of Cases Cannot Be Mediated.
Myth No. 3: Ex Parte Communication before the Mediation Is Improper.
Myth No. 4: When the Case Has Not Settled at the Conclusion of the Mediation Session, the Parties Proceed to Litigation.
Fran Tetunic in an article in the Florida Bar Journal, May, 2008, Volume 82, No. 5 and cited at
http://www.floridabar.org/DIVCOM/JN/JNJournal01.nsf/Articles/E0C6EB07D4D91DA285257435005E4BB9 listed the following mediation myths

1) Everything in Mediation Is Confidential.
2) Confidentiality Prevents a Lawyer-mediator from Reporting Attorney Misconduct During Mediation.
3) A Lawyer-mediator Must Advise Mediation Parties to Seek the Advice of Counsel.
4) If All Parties Waive Any Conflict of Interest Disclosed by the Mediator, the Mediator May Mediate.
5) The Mediation Is Not Over Until the Mediator Declares Impasse.
6) The Mediator Holds the Privilege to Refuse to Disclose Confidential Mediation Communications.
7) The Mediator May Predict an Outcome at Trial if Requested by All the Parties.
8) The Mediator Has the Obligation to Write the Mediated Agreement.
9) Mediators Report to the Court When Parties Fail to Mediate in Good Faith.
10) Mediator Misconduct, Like Legal Malpractice, Does Not Serve as a Basis for Setting Aside a Mediated Agreement.


Do you have any myths? There must be thousands more!

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(231) 9/14/11.

Divorce, West Memphis Three, and Alford Doctrine

Recently the West Memphis Three, stood up in a courtroom, proclaimed their innocence even as they pleaded guilty, and, minutes later, walked out as free men. This is known as the Alford Plea or Doctrine. In an Alford Plea, the criminal defendant does not admit the act, but admits that the prosecution could likely prove the charge. The court will pronounce the defendant guilty. The defendant may plead guilty yet not admit all the facts that comprise the crime. An Alford plea allows defendant to plead guilty even while unable or unwilling to admit guilt. One example is a situation where the defendant has no recollection of the pertinent events due to intoxication or amnesia. A defendant making an Alford plea maintains his innocence of the offense charged. One reason for making such a plea may be to avoid being convicted on a more serious charge. Acceptance of an Alford plea is in the court's decision. The Alford guilty plea originated in the United States Supreme Court case of North Carolina v. Alford (1970). Henry Alford had been indicted on a charge of first-degree murder in 1963. Evidence in the case included testimony from witnesses that Alford had said after the death of the victim that he had killed the individual. Court testimony showed Alford and the victim argued at the victim's house. Alford left the house, and afterwards the victim received a fatal gunshot wound when he opened the door responding to a knock.
This made me think whether the thinking behind the Alford Doctrine could apply to divorce cases. In fact we probably do. We often have one party who does not agree to for example paying alimony. Under the Alford Doctrine the party would say I don’t believe I should pay alimony but in order to avoid something worse, I will pay it.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(230) 8/31/11s

Divorce and Street Names

Driving I often see names of streets which I think are funny. This lead me to see if I could find street names which related to divorce. The following is the list so far. Let me know if you have others.

Calle del Divorcio, Bogota, Colombia
401 K Street Northwest, Washington D.C., DC
Alimony Lane, Willow Oak, FL
Asset Avenue, Scott, LA
Attorney Street, New York, NY
Bankrupt Boulevard, Glasgow, MT
Children Street, Waynesville, NC
Custody Circle, CA
Debt Lane, Sumter, SC
Divorce Court, Heather Highlands, Pa.
Faultless Drive, Ashland, OH
Insurance Way, Hagerstown, MD
IRA Street, Fayetteville, NC
Judge Street, New York, NY
Lawyer Street, College Station, TX
Pension Road, Yorketown, NJ
Pension Street, Chincoteague Island, VA
Separation Street, Northcote, Victoria, Australia

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(229) 8/20/11

Divorce Insurance

Just the other day I thought, I wonder if people would buy divorce insurance? I Googled Divorce Insurance and as usual someone else thought of it first. See article in New York Times on August 6, 2010, entitled “Divorce Insurance (Yes, Divorce Insurance)” by Jennifer Saranow Schultz. See the entire article at http://tiny.cc/cdm8111a. The article says in part, “The casualty insurance is designed to provide financial assistance in the form of cash to cover the costs of a divorce, such as legal proceedings or setting up a new apartment or house. It is sold in “units of protection.” Each unit costs $15.99 per month and provides $1,250 in coverage. So, if you bought 10 units, your initial coverage would be $12,500 and you’d be paying $15.99 per month for each of those units. In addition, every year, the company adds $250 in coverage for each unit. Have not heard of anyone using it and don’t know if mediation is covered. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(228) 8/13/11

How I met Lenard Marlow and Became a Mediator

A recent article by Lenard Marlow in the quarterly newsletter of the Family Section of the Association for Conflict Resolution’s spring 2011 “family Mediation news” reminded me how I became a mediator and reinforced my philosophy and style of mediation. In 1985, Donald Cohen, a friend and therapist, put me in contact with his father, Dr. Max Cohen, a psychiatrist who co-mediated with Attorney Lenard Marlow in New York. They had a case in Connecticut and needed a Connecticut attorney to complete the case. I was up for trying something new and agreed to take the case. This was my first introduction to Divorce Mediation. I was not happy with a general law practice. I could not keep up with all the changes in all the areas of law and wanted to do one thing well. On a practical note, I also realized that specialist were valued more and compensated appropriately. My Wife, Mary, and I discussed it and she asked what I enjoyed doing. I told her I had like the Divorce Mediation I had done. She suggested that I get training to enhance my skills and have better credibility. I trained with Zena Zumeta and Carl Schneider in Burlington Vermont. After my training I gradually transition my practice to Family law with an emphasis on a non adversarial approach. I liked it so much and thought my Wife, Mary, would too that I encouraged her to do mediate also. We now do co-mediation as well as individual mediation. In his article, Lenard Marlow takes issues with the adversary assumption in mediation. He rather sees it as problem solving. He also sees it as a more creative process. I entirely agree with him. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(227) 8/6/11

Divorce and the Innocent Spouse

I have always loved the term “innocent spouse.” Its usual context in a divorce case is tax delinquency. Married tax payers who file a joint return with their spouse are generally liable for the taxes of their spouse. However, there are exceptions to this rule. The following are the general requirements:

You must have filed a joint return which has an understatement of tax;

The understatement of tax must be due to erroneous items of your spouse;

You must establish that at the time you signed the joint return, you did not know, and had no reason to know, that there was an understatement of tax;
Taking into account all of the facts and circumstances, it would be unfair to hold you liable for the understatement of tax; and

The IRS has recently made changes to the requirement that you must request relief within 2 years after the date on which the IRS first began collection activity against you. See AP story in July 26, 2011 AZ Star http://tiny.cc/cdm726
When mediating we generally have language that spells out the parties tax liabilities but the IRS does not recognize this and will go after both parties. Hold harmless and indemnification agreement helps but still requires action to collect. Having “innocent spouse” status helps a lot.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(225) 7/27/11

Privatization of Divorce

With all the controversy over government taxes, expenditures and regulation, the possible solution of privatizing certain government functions arises. This is not a new idea. There was even a 1988 Presidential Commission on Privatization – Toward More Effective Government. See report at http://pdf.usaid.gov/pdf_docs/PNABB472.pdf. The commission’s report did not deal with the judicial system but my research did find Privatization of Judicial Services an article by Doris Marie Provine and Carroll Seron in the Journal of Public Administration Research and Theory: J-PART
Vol. 1, No. 3 (Jul., 1991), pp. 319-336. There are many more articles. What I have thought about recently is whether it is possible and desirable to privatize that portion of the judicial system that is concerned with divorce. This was prompted by watching a recent story on television discussing the layoff of court personnel in the California Judicial system and the expected resulting back logs. It might take years to hear a divorce case. Privatization could reduce some of the cost of the judicial system and speed up the process. Ironically, we actually privatize marriage. A couple obtains a license and the a private party can marry them. The private divorce system might look like this. A couple could get a license to divorce. They would resolve their case with attorneys or mediators and then submit the settlement to a person licensed to grant a divorce. The person does not have to be a lawyer in a therapist may be an excellent person to be licensed to grant divorces. Contested cases or post judgment issues could also be heard by a person licensed to grant a divorce. The couple would pay the person licensed to grant a divorce. Once the divorce was granted, the terms would be filed with the license. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(224) 6/22/11

Divorce, Mediation and the Earth's Children

I have been listening in my car on CD’s to The Land of the Painted Caves (Earth Children #6) by Jean Auel. All 29 CD’s. Since the CD’s were on reserve I could not renew them and had to take them out a few times. I thought I had read all the others in the series but it turns out that I did not read yet The Shelters of Stone (Earth's Children #5), and The Plains of Passage (Earth's Children #4). I did read The Mammoth Hunters (Earth's Children #3), The Valley of Horses (Earth's Children #2), and The Clan of the Cave Bear (Earth's Children #1). The series started in 1984. I have enjoyed the series. The current books seems to be anthropology text. Auel spends a lot of time talking about these ice age people. I of course was fascinated by her descriptions of marriage and divorce on disk 22, track 12. I also was surprised that she mentioned mediation of a dispute on disk 29, track4. It seems that mediation is older than I thought! As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(223) 7/16/11

George Laskoff, Frames, Divorce, and Mediation

I am reading “don’t think of an elephant” by George Lakoff. He writes about “Frames” which he defines as “mental structures that shape the way we view the world.” He goes on to say that “when we hear a word, it “Frame” is activated in our brain.” Although the book is geared to politics, it also applies to mediation. This is especially the case since he says that “what pulls all issues together is the Frame of family values. Progressive and conservative positions derive from two opposing paradigms for families. The strict father family model and the nurturant family model. “In mediation we see the same “Frames.” Awareness of “Frames” and the ability to work with “Frames.” makes for a more successful mediation.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(222) 6/15/11

New Center for Divorce Mediation Web Site

We were one of the earlier mediators to have a web site at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ and have progressed from one that was very primitive to a more sophisticated site. It could be even more sophisticated but we don’t want to change from the old FrontPage software. We recently upgraded our web site and are using more pictures and better content. Picture above is one of our new pictures. We hope it will be more user friendly and helpful. We have also caught some dated material and some typos. We hope you like it. Let us know. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(221) 5/28/10

Charlie Chan and Mediation

As a young child and in the earlier days of television, I watched portions of many Charlie Chan movies. I always like the repartee between Charlie Chan and his number one son. One of them went like this: Number one son: You're lucky to have your assistant on hand, Pop. Charlie Chan: Assistant? That you? Number one son: Sure! Charlie Chan: Your assistance as welcome as water in sinking ship! Number one son: But you've always said that two men can find a clue quicker than one. Charlie Chan: [he looks from side to side] Where is other man? Do not see other man! When I read the review of Yunte Huang’s book about Charlie Chan, I had to read it. It is a wonderful book and one my favorite parts of the book is the list of Charlie Chanisms in appendix I. Some of these include: Every maybe has a wife called Maybe-Not. Guessing is cheap, but wrong guess expensive. Advice after mistake is like medicine after dead man’s funeral. Biggest mistakes in history made by people who didn’t think. Caution very good life insurance. Door of opportunity swing both ways. A fool and his money never become old acquaintances. Mind, like parachute, only function when open. Race not always won by man who start first. Talk cannot cook rice. Too late to dig well when honorable house is on fire. Truth, like football – receive many kicks before reaching goal. When money talk, fee are deaf. When searching for needle in haystack, haystack only sensible location. The wise elephant does not seek to ape the butterfly. When mediating, I often use aphorisms and humor to make a point. I have added some of these to my list! As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(220) 5/21/11

Interaction Models and Mediation

Finally read the October 11, 2010 New Yorker magazine. I liked the comment by Nora Ephron in her article about wills where she says, “”When you get divorced, and don’t get the house (like I did), you leave behind all sorts of things you don’t have the sense to know you’ll someday wonder about or feel genuinely nostalgic for.” I went on to read Talent Grab by Malcolm Gladwell where he asks and answers the question, why do we pay our stars so much money? See site to entire article at http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2010/10/11/101011fa_fact_gladwell In the article he quotes Aya Chacar and William Hesterly article in the Managerial and Decision Economic which draws on the work of Alan Page Fiske. They say that, “Fiske is a U.C.L.A. anthropologist who argues that people use one of four models to guide the way they interact with one another: communal sharing, equity matching, market pricing, and authority ranking. Communal sharing is a group of roommates in house who are free to read one another’s books and wear one another’s clothing. Equality matching is a car pool: if I drive your child to school today, you drive my child to school tomorrow. Market pricing is where the terms of exchange are open to negotiations, or subject to the laws of supply and demand. And authority ranking is paternalism: it is a hierarchical system in which “superiors appropriate or pre-empt what they wish.” We see the same interaction in mediation. Being able to identify and understand these interactions makes it easier to deal with them in mediation. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(219) 5/14/11

Purple Cow and Mediation

Just finished reading the “Purple Cow” by Seth Godin. The book was recommended to me by my good friend and fellow mediator, Rita Pollak. I read it primarily to determine whether I should be doing anything else to make our mediation practice better known. Godin’s concept is transform your business by being remarkable. At the end of the book he gives some slogans which summarize his approach. They include, “Don’t Be Boring”, “Safe is Risky”, “Design New Rules”, and “Very Good is Bad”. The book made me evaluate what I am doing and think outside the box. It made me want to try to experiment with group divorce mediation. As is often the case, it also made me think if the concept also applied to marriage and divorce. When I am mediating I always encourage my clients to be creative, think outside the box, and not to see things as black and white but at least shade of gray if not the colors of the rainbow. I also encourage my clients to be generous and to look for the peace dividend. I can now also tell my clients to also try being remarkable. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (218) 5/7/11

Dr. Strangelove and Mediation

Believe it or not I often refer to a scene in Stanley Kubrick’s 1964 movie “Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb” when I am mediating. It is the scene where Dr. Strangelove’s left fist slams down and his black-gloved mechanical right arm reflexes into an unintentional Nazi salute ('Sieg Heil'). He pulls his right arm back into his lap, fighting off his own, spring-loaded gloved hand with his good arm. I use it to show clients how sometimes people can’t control what they are doing. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (217) 4/30/11

Judaism As a Civilization and Mediation

I have been trying to read “Judaism As a Civilization: Toward a Reconstruction of American-Jewish Life” by Mordecai Menahem Kaplan. It is very slow going and I don’t understand a lot but one of the lines in the book captured my imagination. “Obedience to God’s law can give the firmest stability and the most permanent security to human existence.(page 148) It seems to me that in most mediations the parties are seeking stability and security. They are also often seeking superiority. Problem solving which that develops solutions which give the parties stability and security will probably work. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (212) 3/26/11

Alimony Ale

I love beer and what could be better than mixing my love of beer and mediation. I was shopping for some beer to bring to a friend, spotted the bottle and could not resist buying it. I have not tried it yet but will do a follow up blog when I do. There are lots of beer web sites and iPhone apps. Two had the following to say:

RateBeer.com say, “Buffalo Bill’s Alimony Ale was originally brewed for a customer going through a divorce. It has gained a reputation as one of the most eccentric brews, from reports in the Wall Street Journal and Newsweek. No longer one of the bitterest beers in America, just one of the best. “
Review from Beer Advocate say, “Here comes an American IPA that has a cool name and label, but a less than over the top aroma, taste, etc. That's not necessarily a bad thing. It is very drinkable, deceivingly so. You might not think you are drinking something as strong as it is, thus getting yourself in trouble with the spouse.

It is pretty well balanced, with a bit of a dark, almost Scottish taste. I would drink it again, but won't go out of my way to get more.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(215) 4/16/11

The Freeze, Spring, and Mediation

We had an unusual low temperature of 19 degrees this winter in Tucson. As a result of the freezing temperature pipes burst and many plants may not survive. Even though many plants don’t look healthy, it is hard to tell which will survive. Now it is spring and many of the plants have dead limbs but also peaking out in new places is new growth. It may take a while for the plants to get back to where they were but they survived. This reminds me of people we help with divorce mediation. They have often suffered a severe emotional experience like the freezing temperatures. With our help there is spring, new growth and not only do they survive but they are even better. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(214) 4/9/11

Expectations in Divorce and Marriage

When mediating I often find that the expectations of each party makes a big difference. Expectations for the marriage and expectations for the divorce. I thought it would be interesting to research it a little more. As always my first step was to google expectation. I found many interesting article but want to share two of them. The first was at DivorceNet.com. The entire article is at http://www.divorcenet.com/states/massachusetts/expectations_in_divorce
It is easier to quote three significant paragraph.

“The most important factor in determining the outcome in divorce situations is expectations. If expectations are realistic the divorce experience will be less traumatic. On the other hand, fantastic expectations will likely result in great trauma for the entire family unit. To help keep the expectations in a more realistic range, the following concepts should be considered.
Many people tend to forget that the spouse they are divorcing is the same person with whom they wanted to spend the rest of their life. The person they chose was a decent human being then, and that person is still a decent human being even though divorce is imminent.
When a couple get married they are usually in similar emotional states dreaming the same dream. By the time a divorce happens they have taken the same emotional journey, and both have experienced similar amounts of pain. There is a difference, however, in that one very often has felt some pain day after day for a very long period of time, while the other felt the pain in a shortened period of time at the end of the marriage. Both of these people have seen the dream vanish....
To obtain the best outcome of your divorce, it is essential to make decisions based on law and logic, and emphatically not based on emotion. Judges are not primarily concerned with the emotions of the parties. They are not concerned at all with the parties' ideas of fairness. Making decisions about the divorce should be undertaken just as you would make rational decisions about investments. Instead of choosing which stocks or bonds to invest in, you are choosing to invest in legal fees and appraisal fees or to make concessions. Decisions should be based on the amount of return, as well as considerations of the children, and not on the need for revenge or to "win."”
The other article entitled Coping with Client Expectations in Divorce was in by James Kochalka in the February, 1998 Volume LXXII, No.2 Florida Bar Journal athttp://www.floridabar.org/divcom/jn/jnjournal01.nsf/Author/F50D6B07B04E780B85256ADB005D61A5
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (213) 4/2/11

Mediation and the Good Wife

Mediation is gradually being included as part of the plot in movies and TV. The movies Juno and the Wedding Cashers and the television shows Fairly Legal, Once Again and Starter Wife come to mind. The March 22, 2011 episode of “The Good Wife” http://www.tv.com/video/10528746/the-good-wife--ham-sandwich includes divorce mediation. In the show there are witnesses giving testimony including a child and the mediator says he will make recommendations about custody. There are also attorney present and the mediator exercises no control. It is good that the public is being made aware of mediation as an option. The problem is that mediation is not portrayed accurately or positively. The mediators are either wimpy or inappropriate. They are rarely impartial. They usually evaluate instead of facilitate. I don’t know if this is because the writers don’t really know mediation or the writers portrayal of mediation is more entertaining. The problem is that it gives the public the wrong idea about mediation. Although more people may use mediation, they will have the wrong expectations. Hopefully, the mediator will be able to correct these misconceptions. The more I think about it, the more I realize this is true of most movies and television shows. For example, in law shows, the trial is always instantaneous. This never happens in real life. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (216) 4/23/11

Pancakes, All in the Family and the Correct Method for Simple Tasks

We often have breakfast at the B Line. We love their special pancakes and usually split a tall stack. I realized that there are two ways of dividing the stack of six pancakes in two. You can either take three whole pancakes off the top or you can cut the whole stack in the middle so each person has six half pancakes. At first I thought there was only the first method but when my Wife divided using the second method, I not only realized there were two ways but that I liked her way better. This also reminds me of a very funny scene in “All in the Family” where there is a disagreement over the correct way to do a simple task. Archie (Carroll O’Connor) and Mike (Rob Reiner) are arguing over the correct way to put on socks and shoes was a sock and a sock and a shoe and a shoe (Archie's way), or a sock and a shoe and a sock and a shoe (Mike's way). Archie's reasoning: If there's a fire in the house, with two socks on, you could run outside and be even. Mike's reasoning: What if it's snowing outside? Archie's way, his feet would get wet. Mike's way, he could hop around on one foot and stay dry. It is the last scene on this YouTube clip http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8JSEjQF-S-8 There are many other examples of tasks which seem obvious to one person and not to another. In mediation this happens all the time. One person thinks that the answer to the question such as how to pay for the children’s college education is obvious. It is not and reasonable people can disagree. The important thing is that each person recognizes this and move on to the next step of problem solving an acceptable answer. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (211) 3/19/11

Army Inspection, Divorce, and Mediation

It is hard to believe but I served for six years in the U.S Army Reserves in a military intelligence unit. I was only on active duty for four months and two weeks each summer for six years from 1969 to 1975. I probably would have stayed in if they had completed my application to be a Warrant Officer. I did my basic training at Fort Bragg, NC and my advanced training as an interrogator of prisoners of war at Fort Meade, MD. I believe my MOS (Military Occupation Specialty) was 97E1O. Basic training was quite the experience and it taught me a lot about myself and life. One such useful memory concerned our daily barracks inspection by our drill sergeants. We cleaned the barracks so you could eat off the floor and even used basso on the fire extinguishers but often did not pass inspection. We finally learned the trick. The drill sergeants would use a grease pencil and put little marks on the tile in the bathroom. If you cleaned off the mark, you passed inspection but if you did not clean it off you did not pass inspection no matter how clean the barrack were. The same is true for mediation and getting a divorce. You need to know where the equivalent “grease pencil marks” are. If you don’t, no matter how good the agreement is, it may not work or get approved by the court.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (210 ) 3/12/11

Mediation and Mario Cuomo

I was pleased to see that Mario Cuomo was appointed the mediator in the Madoff/ Mets case. See follow up article in February 19, 2011 New York Times at http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/19/sports/baseball/19cuomo.html. Articles like this make the public more aware of mediation as an option to settle disputes. This is very necessary if mediation is ever going to an option equivalent to or better than litigation. The measure of success will be when mediation is chosen before litigation and not after litigation has started. The article highlights the issue of what is a mediator, although not by name. The style of mediation often confuses potential users of mediation. See my July 24, 2010 Blog on Styles of Mediation which discusses facilitative, evaluative, and transformative mediation. Parties should always be aware of the style of their mediator. Cuomo like most lawyers who have not been trained by programs approved by the Academy of Family Mediation and its successor the Association for Conflict Resolution is an evaluative mediator who uses power mediation to settle cases. As the article says, Cuomo is a skilled problem-solver, not a neutral mediator. He is intuitive enough to come up with interesting solutions.
The article also importantly points out that mediators cannot force the parties to settle. This is both a weakness and a strength. It makes it hard to resolve the case but makes for a more lasting and satisfying settlement. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (209 ) 3/5/11

Mediation the Cairn for Getting Divorced

Recently, I was hiking in Sabino Canyon on the Rattlesnake Trail. I notice many cairns on the trail. A cairn is a mound of stones piled up as a memorial or to mark a boundary or path and this case not a small rough-haired breed of terrier from Scotland. I had do go back to my Boy Scouts Handbook for Boys to remind me of what the different cairns mean. They include: This is not the trail. Turn right. Turn left. Danger Help. See pictures above. It occurred to me that a trail and cairns are a metaphor for getting a divorce. Hopefully, it will not be the Rattlesnake Trail. The couple must follow a trail and if not careful can get lost. Mediation is the cairn of divorce. It helps you on the trail and keeps the couple from getting lost. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (208) 2/26/11

Ketubah Update

Great minds think a like! In the February 11, 2011 New York Times Samuel G. Freedman did an article about ketubahs (actually the plural in Hebrew is ketubot) on entitled “Christians Embrace a Jewish Wedding Tradition.” For the article seehttp://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/12/us/12religion.html.
The article goes on to say that couples are using the ketubah as a way of affirming the Jewish roots of their faith. “Embracing this Jewish tradition just brings a richness that we miss out on sometimes as Christians when we don’t know the history,” said Mrs. Austin. “Jesus was Jewish, and we appreciate his culture, where he came from.” Beyond its specific basis in Judaism, the ketubah represented to the Austins a broader concept of holiness, of consecration. “We wanted a permanent reminder of the covenant we made with God,” Mrs. Austin said. “We see this document superseding the marriage license of a state or a court.”
Non Jewish couples are also using other customs like the huppah or wedding canopy. The article did not say so but I bet couples also have the groom stomp on a glass at the end too with the guests shouting "Mazel Tov!" If the couple gets divorced, will the couples be get a “get” or Jewish divorce too! Only time will tell.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (207) 2/19/11

Mediation and the Jump Ball

I was always tall for my age so was encouraged to play basketball. I was awful. Thought too much and did not play automatically. Played Biddy Basketball for the Laurels AC with our orange and black uniforms. I was also the third string center for West Rocks Junior High School team in Norwalk, Connecticut. I was the only player not to score any points. The only basket I made was nullified for a goal tending violation. My ongoing claim to fame was to have been on the same team and Calvin Murphy. He was only 5’ 8” but went on to play for the Houston Rockets and made the Hall of Fame. Ed Mewing was our coach. I continue to follow basketball. As a graduate of the University of Connecticut, I can’t resist watching our Women’s Basketball team. As a resident of Tucson, I follow the University of Arizona’s Women’s Basketball team.

What does this all have to do with mediation? As I have recently watched the games, I realized that the jump ball or now the opening tip is only used to start a half. When I played basketball and two players both grabbed the ball, there was a jump ball to determine possession.

Now since about 1981, most competitions use the alternating possession rule to settle all jump ball situations after the opening tip. This uses a possession arrow on the scorekeeper's table. Whenever such a jump ball situation occurs, the team whose basket that the possession arrow is currently pointing to gets the ball. The arrow then swaps to point to the other team. At the start of the game, the arrow points to the team that lost the opening tip.
In mediation and in particular divorce mediation, we have to determine possession. Who has possession of the children, the cars, the home, the bank accounts and much more. More often than not and especially in a litigated divorce, the dispute is settled with an approach similar to a jump ball. In mediation we don’t always alternate possession but we often use that or another approach which is less competitive than a jump ball. It not only speeds up the process but seems to work better.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (206) 2/12/11

Happy Marriage

Enjoyed Tara Parker-Pope’s January 2, 2011 article in the NewYork Times entitled “The Happy Marriage is the ‘Me’ Marriage.”

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/02/weekinreview/02parkerpope.html
She says,

“A lasting marriage does not always signal a happy marriage. Plenty of miserable couples have stayed together for children, religion or other practical reasons.
But for many couples, it’s just not enough to stay together. They want a relationship that is meaningful and satisfying. In short, they want a sustainable marriage.
‘The things that make a marriage last have more to do with communication skills, mental health, social support, stress — those are the things that allow it to last or not,” says Arthur Aron, a psychology professor who directs the Interpersonal Relationships Laboratory at the State University of New York at Stony Brook. “But those things don’t necessarily make it meaningful or enjoyable or sustaining to the individual.’
The notion that the best marriages are those that bring satisfaction to the individual may seem counterintuitive. After all, isn’t marriage supposed to be about putting the relationship first? “

This may explain why I see so many couples in mediation who seem to have a happy marriage but are getting divorced.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (205) 2/5/11

Divorce Facts and Annie Hall

In mediation, people often see the same facts differently. I like using references to movies to give people a new perspective. To show how people can use the same facts and draw a different conclusion I refer to a scene in the 1977 Woody Allen movie, Annie Hall. You can see the clip on Youtube at http://youtu.be/GFz2csc9qew It goes like this:

[Alvy (Woody Allen) and Annie (Diane Keaton) are seeing their therapists at the same time on a split screen]
Alvy Singer's Therapist: How often do you sleep together?
Annie Hall's Therapist: Do you have sex often?
Alvy Singer: [lamenting] Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.
Annie Hall: [annoyed] Constantly. I'd say three times a week.
Alvy is “Hardly” and Annie is “Constantly.”

Same facts different conclusion. The reference to the movie may not convince people but it usually helps the parties get by the impasse.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM (201) 1/6/11

Divorce and Marriage Acronyms

An acronym is an abbreviation that is formed using the initial components in a phrase or name. These components may be individual letters or parts of words. There are many acronyms used in divorce and marriage. Some of the major one are the following:
QDRO (Qualified Domestic Relations Order) It is a domestic relations order that creates or recognizes the existence of an alternate payee's right to receive, or assigns to an alternate payee the right to receive, all or a portion of the benefits payable with respect to a participant under a retirement plan, and that includes certain information and meets certain other requirements.
COBRA (Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act) It gives workers and their families who lose their health benefits the right to choose to continue group health benefits provided by their group health plan for limited periods of time under certain circumstances such as voluntary or involuntary job loss, reduction in the hours worked, transition between jobs, death, divorce, and other life events. Qualified individuals may be required to pay the entire premium for coverage up to 102 percent of the cost to the plan.

QMCSO (Qualified Medical Child Support Order) It is a court order used to enforce an order for a health plan participant to provide child support health benefits. It requires a health plan to include a child as covered under a health plan, even if the child(ren) or the participant do not meet the conditions of the health plan. A QMSCO is typically used to gain coverage for a child under a non-custodial parent's group health plan. It is normally obtained by a divorced or separated spouse or by a state child support or Medicaid agency. The order authorizes withholding the participant's share of the cost for coverage from their pay. They may not drop coverage for the child without proof that the QMSCO is no longer in effect

DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act) It is a law that that states that no state (or other political subdivision within the United States) needs to treat as a marriage a same-sex relationship considered a marriage in another state and the federal government defines marriage as a legal union between one man and one woman.
These are some other acronyms:

BIC = Best Interests of the Child
BIL = Brother In Law
BF = Biological Father
BM = Biological MotherCD = Consent Decree
CO = Court Order
COC = Change Of Custody
CP = Custodial Parent
CPS = Child Protective Services
CS = Child Support
CSE = Child Support Enforcement
FERPA = Family Educational Rights & Privacy Act
FIL = Father In Law
FOR = Father Of Record
GAL = Guardian Ad Litem
GP = Grand Parents
HOH = Head Of Household
FIL = Father In Law
MIL = Mother In Law
MOU = Memorandum of Understanding
MSA = Marital Settlement Agreement
MSOL = Marital Standard Of Living
NCP = Non Custodial Parent
OM = Other Man
OW = Other Woman
OSD/OSS = Oldest Step Daughter/Oldest Step Son
PAS = Parental Alienation Syndrome
PKPA = Parental Kidnapping Prevention Act
QDRO = Qualified Domestic Relations Order
RO = Restraining Order
SAHM = Stay At Home Mom
SC = Step Child or Children
SF = Step Father
SM = Step Mother
SD = Step Daughter
SIL = Sister In Law
SKIDS = Step Kids
SS = Step Son
STBX = Soon To Be Ex
SO = Significant Other
SIL = Sister In Law
TRO = Temporary Restraining Order
UIFSA = Uniform Interstate Family Support Act
UCCJA = Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction Act

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (203) 1/20/11

twitter

I am surprised that I have not done a blog about twitter and my tweets. Our twitter page is http://twitter.com/CTRDivMediation Our blog and twitter pages compliment each other. Each refers to the other. It can be a challenge to do a tweet with only 140 characters but it can also be a challenge to write a longer blog. Sometimes I do the same topic on both. Tweets are more immediate and blogs more in depth. It is fun to do each. You should read both. I hope they impart some wisdom, fun, and help.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (202) 1/13/11

Ketubahs, Divorce, and Marriage

We have often joked how I was surprised the day I got married when the Rabbi, who happened to be my brother in law, asked me if I would agree to divorce my Wife. I guess I should have taken my own advice and read the papers, in this case the Ketubah (Jewish marriage contract), in advance. Not that I would not have signed it. I would have also liked one suitable for framing as I like the blending of Jewish ritual and art. It has taken me 37 years but I finally got around to reading it again. The Ketubah has 22 lines of which 7 deal with divorce. It says, “And both together agreed that if this marriage shall ever be dissolved under civil laws, then either Husband or Wife may invoke the authority of the Beth Din of the Rabbical Assembly and the Jewish Theological Seminary of America or it duly authorized representatives, to decide what action by either spouse is then appropriate under Jewish matrimonial law; and if either spouse shall fail to honor the demand of the other or to carry out the decision of the Beth Din or its representatives then the other spouse may invoke any and all remedies available in civil law and equity to enforce compliance with the Beth Din’s decisions and this solemn obligation.” This is the famous “Lieberman Clause” named after Saul Lieberman, a professor at the Jewish Theological Seminary. The “Lieberman Clause” is necessary because only Jewish men can agree to a religious divorce (known as a Get). In order to avoid men using granting the divorce as a weapon in a civil divorce, the Husband agrees in advance to a Jewish Divorce. See my blogs on Religious Marriage and Divorce on March 10, 2008 and LA Law and Divorce on June 26, 2010. The rest of our Ketubah deals with declarations of how we will behave in the marriage. I found it very sexist. It is based on the Torah. The only common declaration is that we will love each other. My Wife must fulfill all the duties incumbent upon a Jewish Wife. I must protect and support her. Fortunately, the content of Ketubahs have greatly changed since we were married. If you Google Ketubah, you will find a great deal of interesting material. Our marriage license was mysteriously filed two years late but that is another story. However, before the license was filed late, we needed proof of marriage to change a passport name and our Ketubah was filed instead. It may be the only Ketubah on file in Connecticut.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (204) 1/27/11