Pirkei Avot, Saying of the Fathers, Divorce, and Mediation

I have not been inspired to write a blog for a while but feel the necessity. I thought about how Sun Tzu’s Art of War applies to divorce and mediation but Joe Epstein and Eileen Siskel have already done a wonderful job on that topic. See http://www.mediate.com/articles/epstein1.cfm

I looked at my bookshelf and saw discussed Pirkei Avot or Sayings of the Fathers. It reminded how as a high school student I participated in a study group which discussed Pirkei Avot, a compilation of the ethical teachings and maxims of the Rabbis of the Mishnaic period. The pages of the book are browning and delicate but it still has special meaning to me.

So what does Pirkei Avot have to say about divorce? It does not say anything directly but it does say a lot about how people should face life in general and life events like divorce.

One of my favorite’s quotes is the first one. “Be deliberate in judgment…and make a fence around the Torah.” (1:1) The first part means you should be moderate and avoid anger, impatience and stubbornness in dealing with you soon to be ex-spouse. The fence quote is less obvious. It means have cautionary rules which act like a danger signal and prevent you from the wrong thing.

Other quotes are also inspiring. “The more charity, the more peace.” (2:8) and "Meet every person with graciousness." (1:15) If you give your spouse more and treat them right, you will have more peace.
“Judge every person favorably.” (1:6) Too often in a divorce case one spouse demonizes the other spouse. It is often better to start with a clean slate and give the person the benefit of the doubt.
“Do not judge your fellow until you have stood in his place.” (2:5) I often ask a client if he or she would like to take the offer he or she made to his or her spouse. It gives them a chance to stand in the other person’s place.
“The more flesh, the more worms. The more possessions, the more worry. The more wives, the more witchcraft. The more maidservants, the more uncouthness. The more servants, the more theft.” (2:8) Too often I have seen a party get all they want in a divorce and be very unhappy.

“If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And if I am only for myself what am I? And if not now, when?” (1:14) This quote by Hillel is probably the best known quote from Sayings of the Fathers. To me it means that a person must balance his or her own self-interest with the interest of others and you should not be indecisive for no reason.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com CDM (286) 4/17/15

 

Where is Your Gas Tank?

 

 

Anyone who has driven a rental car has experienced the frustration of pulling into a gas station and not knowing which side of the car the gas tank is located.  When I recently returned my rental car and expressed the frustration to the attendant, I learned about the gas tank location icon on the fuel gauge.  She pointed out the triangular icon pointing to the side of the car where the gas tank is located.  Why didn’t anyone tell me before! A little thing can make one’s life much simpler.  There is another situation this can help. Many couples each drive their own car when alone but drive only one car when they are together.  Usually one driver drives his or her car when alone and drives the other car when they are together.  If the gas tanks are located on different sides of the cars, confusion and argument can result. I am always in favor of things that reduce potential conflict in relationships. i.e. Two TV remotes (clickers), split movie screen.  What does this have to do with mediation?  Mediation is a gas tank icon.  Mediation can point the way and make life simpler and less frustrating.  As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ CDM (285) 5/15/14

Split Movie Theater Can Save Marriages

 

 

Valentine’s Day blog!  I have previously blogged with unusual tips for saving marriages. See Netflix and Marriage on August 19, 2009,  http://centerfordivorcemediation.blogspot.com/2009/08/netflix-and-marriage.html and on April 4, 2008, Two TV Remotes are Better Than One! – Marriage Tips   http://centerfordivorcemediation.blogspot.com/2008/04/two-tv-remotes-are-better-than-one.html  I have an even more unusual idea.  Men and women enjoy different genre of movies.  Chick flick vs. men’s movies (there is not a cute name for these)  Wikipedia say, generally, a chick-flick is a film designed to have an innate appeal to women, typically young women. Some frequent elements of chick-flicks include having a female protagonist, thematic use of the color pink (along with metaphorical allusions of the color), and romance and/or dating based storylines.  Some recent examples are Love Story, An Officer and a Gentleman, Terms of Endearment, Dirty Dancing, Beaches, Working Girl, Steel Magnolias, When Harry Met Sally, and Pretty Woman.  Men’s movies are usually action movies. Rambo, Bourne and Rocky.  Need I say more?  The problem develops when a couple wants to go out to the movies. Chick flick or men’s movie.  How can you compromise?  Take turns?   One person is bound to be unhappy. My solution is simple?  A curtain!  The movie theater seating is divided down the middle with a large curtain.  Chick flick on one side of the curtain and men’s movie on the other.  Couples wanting to each watch a separate move sit on either side of the curtain,  hold hand with a hole in the curtain and each watches their own movie. Together but separate.  For another take on chick flicks see 'Chick Flicks' as Couples Therapy by Tara Parker Pope in the February 11, 2014 New York Times. http://nyti.ms/1ddJmoj

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ CDM (284) 2/14/14

 

 

One Way Bridge and Mediation

 

Recently, I was driving on the North Shore of Kauai and crossed a one way bridge.  There is a yield sign on both ends of the bridge.  Cars must take turns crossing the bridge.  Signs say that it is customary for no more than 5   to 7 cars to cross at time.  I was amazed that the system worked.  No anger.  No abuse.  Drivers patiently took their turns yielding.  I wish more people would see conflict resolution as a one way bridge.  Divorce Mediation, more often is a one way bridge with each party taking turns yielding so they can each get divorced and continue life's journey.  This much better than neither side yielding and getting stuck facing each other in the middle of the bridge.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ CDM (283) 2/7/14

 

House Hunters International, Divorce, and Mediation

 

We are addicted to the International House Hunter’s TV show.  We often have many shows backed up on our DVR.  I am always fascinated by the interpersonal dynamics of the couple and sometimes the realtor.  I don’t know if it is for dramatic purposes or for real but the couple always seems to find something wrong with each house but they pick one anyway.  At the end of the show they always seem very happy with their choice. On the United States version they sometimes get a rejected bid but never on the International version of the show.  Houses often need renovation but they don’t say what the renovations cost.  What I really like and what I think applies to mediation, is the process of elimination.  It is a good technique for making a decision.  The couple is always limited to three choices.  It is better if there are not too many options.  The couple always says “we must eliminate one of the three homes.”  It then makes it easier to pick between the remaining two homes.  We try to do the same thing in divorce mediation.  Important to know the cost of a divorce.  Also, is not bad if everyone is happy at the end!
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ CDM (282) 1/24/14

 

YouTube, Divorce, and Mediation

 

I am always curious how different media handles Divorce and Mediation.  People now obtain information many different ways.   A search of YouTube comes up with more than you can count but one of my favorites is numerous renditions by Tammy Wynette of D.I.V.O.R.C.E.  The first hit for divorce is Cyanide & Happiness – Divorce with 1,499,271 views.  The first hit for Divorce Mediation is Divorce Mediation versus Litigation What the Attorneys Won’t Tell You with 3,456 views.  The fact that Divorce gets so many more views than Divorce Mediation may tell you something about the popularity of Mediation.  I find this unfortunate. I am of course partial to the DivorceTV channel with over 10,000 total views.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ CDM (281) 12/24/13

 

 

Hail-Mary-Moon

I realize that a lot of my material for this blog comes from the New York Times or Google. What can I say, I am addicted to both. The latest article that caught my eye is “The Hail-Mary-Moon” by Carrie Seim and published on July 31, 2013. See entire article at http://www.nytimes.com/2013/08/01/fashion/the-hail-mary-moon.html?pagewanted=allCatchy title! It is a variation on the Hail Mary Pass. A Hail Mary Pass is a very long forward pass in American football, made in desperation with only a small chance of success, especially at or near the end of a half. According to Wikipedia, “the expression goes back at least to the 1930s, being used publicly in that decade by two former members of Notre Dame's Four Horsemen, Elmer Layden and Jim Crowley. Originally meaning any sort of desperation play, a "Hail Mary" gradually came to denote a long, low-probability pass attempted at the end of a half when a team is too far from the end zone to execute a more conventional play. For more than forty years use of the term was largely confined to Notre Dame and other Catholic universities. The term Hail Mary Pass has become generalized to refer to any last-ditch effort with little chance of success.” As the subtitle of the article states, the Hail-Mary-Moon is for some couples an 11th hour trip together can save the relationship –or not. Call it a save-cation. Another catchy title! We never came across this approach to a save a marriage. We did see destination weddings. I have also thought a couple might do a divor-cation. It only seemed to work when the couple was motivated. A couple can be motivated without a trip. I did like the line, “Shortly after returning to shore, they called off the divorce mediator.”

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ CDM (280) 10/1/13