Dr. Strangelove and Mediation

Believe it or not I often refer to a scene in Stanley Kubrick’s 1964 movie “Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb” when I am mediating. It is the scene where Dr. Strangelove’s left fist slams down and his black-gloved mechanical right arm reflexes into an unintentional Nazi salute ('Sieg Heil'). He pulls his right arm back into his lap, fighting off his own, spring-loaded gloved hand with his good arm. I use it to show clients how sometimes people can’t control what they are doing. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (217) 4/30/11

Judaism As a Civilization and Mediation

I have been trying to read “Judaism As a Civilization: Toward a Reconstruction of American-Jewish Life” by Mordecai Menahem Kaplan. It is very slow going and I don’t understand a lot but one of the lines in the book captured my imagination. “Obedience to God’s law can give the firmest stability and the most permanent security to human existence.(page 148) It seems to me that in most mediations the parties are seeking stability and security. They are also often seeking superiority. Problem solving which that develops solutions which give the parties stability and security will probably work. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (212) 3/26/11

Alimony Ale

I love beer and what could be better than mixing my love of beer and mediation. I was shopping for some beer to bring to a friend, spotted the bottle and could not resist buying it. I have not tried it yet but will do a follow up blog when I do. There are lots of beer web sites and iPhone apps. Two had the following to say:

RateBeer.com say, “Buffalo Bill’s Alimony Ale was originally brewed for a customer going through a divorce. It has gained a reputation as one of the most eccentric brews, from reports in the Wall Street Journal and Newsweek. No longer one of the bitterest beers in America, just one of the best. “
Review from Beer Advocate say, “Here comes an American IPA that has a cool name and label, but a less than over the top aroma, taste, etc. That's not necessarily a bad thing. It is very drinkable, deceivingly so. You might not think you are drinking something as strong as it is, thus getting yourself in trouble with the spouse.

It is pretty well balanced, with a bit of a dark, almost Scottish taste. I would drink it again, but won't go out of my way to get more.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(215) 4/16/11

The Freeze, Spring, and Mediation

We had an unusual low temperature of 19 degrees this winter in Tucson. As a result of the freezing temperature pipes burst and many plants may not survive. Even though many plants don’t look healthy, it is hard to tell which will survive. Now it is spring and many of the plants have dead limbs but also peaking out in new places is new growth. It may take a while for the plants to get back to where they were but they survived. This reminds me of people we help with divorce mediation. They have often suffered a severe emotional experience like the freezing temperatures. With our help there is spring, new growth and not only do they survive but they are even better. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(214) 4/9/11

Expectations in Divorce and Marriage

When mediating I often find that the expectations of each party makes a big difference. Expectations for the marriage and expectations for the divorce. I thought it would be interesting to research it a little more. As always my first step was to google expectation. I found many interesting article but want to share two of them. The first was at DivorceNet.com. The entire article is at http://www.divorcenet.com/states/massachusetts/expectations_in_divorce
It is easier to quote three significant paragraph.

“The most important factor in determining the outcome in divorce situations is expectations. If expectations are realistic the divorce experience will be less traumatic. On the other hand, fantastic expectations will likely result in great trauma for the entire family unit. To help keep the expectations in a more realistic range, the following concepts should be considered.
Many people tend to forget that the spouse they are divorcing is the same person with whom they wanted to spend the rest of their life. The person they chose was a decent human being then, and that person is still a decent human being even though divorce is imminent.
When a couple get married they are usually in similar emotional states dreaming the same dream. By the time a divorce happens they have taken the same emotional journey, and both have experienced similar amounts of pain. There is a difference, however, in that one very often has felt some pain day after day for a very long period of time, while the other felt the pain in a shortened period of time at the end of the marriage. Both of these people have seen the dream vanish....
To obtain the best outcome of your divorce, it is essential to make decisions based on law and logic, and emphatically not based on emotion. Judges are not primarily concerned with the emotions of the parties. They are not concerned at all with the parties' ideas of fairness. Making decisions about the divorce should be undertaken just as you would make rational decisions about investments. Instead of choosing which stocks or bonds to invest in, you are choosing to invest in legal fees and appraisal fees or to make concessions. Decisions should be based on the amount of return, as well as considerations of the children, and not on the need for revenge or to "win."”
The other article entitled Coping with Client Expectations in Divorce was in by James Kochalka in the February, 1998 Volume LXXII, No.2 Florida Bar Journal athttp://www.floridabar.org/divcom/jn/jnjournal01.nsf/Author/F50D6B07B04E780B85256ADB005D61A5
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (213) 4/2/11

Mediation and the Good Wife

Mediation is gradually being included as part of the plot in movies and TV. The movies Juno and the Wedding Cashers and the television shows Fairly Legal, Once Again and Starter Wife come to mind. The March 22, 2011 episode of “The Good Wife” http://www.tv.com/video/10528746/the-good-wife--ham-sandwich includes divorce mediation. In the show there are witnesses giving testimony including a child and the mediator says he will make recommendations about custody. There are also attorney present and the mediator exercises no control. It is good that the public is being made aware of mediation as an option. The problem is that mediation is not portrayed accurately or positively. The mediators are either wimpy or inappropriate. They are rarely impartial. They usually evaluate instead of facilitate. I don’t know if this is because the writers don’t really know mediation or the writers portrayal of mediation is more entertaining. The problem is that it gives the public the wrong idea about mediation. Although more people may use mediation, they will have the wrong expectations. Hopefully, the mediator will be able to correct these misconceptions. The more I think about it, the more I realize this is true of most movies and television shows. For example, in law shows, the trial is always instantaneous. This never happens in real life. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (216) 4/23/11

Pancakes, All in the Family and the Correct Method for Simple Tasks

We often have breakfast at the B Line. We love their special pancakes and usually split a tall stack. I realized that there are two ways of dividing the stack of six pancakes in two. You can either take three whole pancakes off the top or you can cut the whole stack in the middle so each person has six half pancakes. At first I thought there was only the first method but when my Wife divided using the second method, I not only realized there were two ways but that I liked her way better. This also reminds me of a very funny scene in “All in the Family” where there is a disagreement over the correct way to do a simple task. Archie (Carroll O’Connor) and Mike (Rob Reiner) are arguing over the correct way to put on socks and shoes was a sock and a sock and a shoe and a shoe (Archie's way), or a sock and a shoe and a sock and a shoe (Mike's way). Archie's reasoning: If there's a fire in the house, with two socks on, you could run outside and be even. Mike's reasoning: What if it's snowing outside? Archie's way, his feet would get wet. Mike's way, he could hop around on one foot and stay dry. It is the last scene on this YouTube clip http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8JSEjQF-S-8 There are many other examples of tasks which seem obvious to one person and not to another. In mediation this happens all the time. One person thinks that the answer to the question such as how to pay for the children’s college education is obvious. It is not and reasonable people can disagree. The important thing is that each person recognizes this and move on to the next step of problem solving an acceptable answer. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (211) 3/19/11