Divorce Mediation and Domestic Violence

Periodically, my daughters send me an article they think I will be interested in. My younger daughter recently sent me an article from Slate by Mary Adkins entitled, "Breaking Up Is Hard Enough To Do Why don't courts offer mediation to victims of domestic violence getting a divorce?" You can see the entire article at http://www.slate.com/id/2246708/ Ms. Adkin’s premise is "Domestic violence brings women to court seeking protective orders ... (b)ut when women who say they've been beaten up try to end their marriages, they find themselves at a disadvantage. In family court, they probably won't be offered mediation—the cheaper, less antagonistic alternative to litigation."
Ms. Adkins makes a strong case for divorce mediation when she say, "It costs less than litigation—couples save upward of 40 percent in attorney's fees. It does not require lawyers. And it's faster, saving money for the state as well. More important, research has shown that mediation leads to less bitterness, keeping the period of conflict short, which is better for children. Research also suggests it yields better outcomes for both parties, though better in different ways—women get more property and more financial support, while men are more likely to get shared custody or more visitation time with children."
She goes on to quote Oregon's "plan and protocol" for dealing with victims which states that "when domestic violence is present among parties in a dispute, the abuser's desire to maintain power and control over the victim is inconsistent with the method and objective of mediation. Fear of the abuser may prevent the victim from asserting needs."
In essence she feels that evaluative mediation works better in cases of domestic violence than facilitative mediation. She contrasts facilative mediation where, "The mediator does not offer opinions or recommendations. His limited role, in the face of a gross power disparity, can leave victims vulnerable to bargaining away financial support, assets, even custody, all out of fear." This compares to evaluative mediation where the "mediators are more active. Trained to attend to power imbalances, they offer opinions on fairness and predict how a case will play out at trial. The mediator is charged with preventing exploitative agreements, and the statistics about satisfaction and outcome suggest they do a pretty good job. All agreements coming out of mediation are reviewed by a judge. And in cases with a history of violence, states can mandate shuttling—where the parties sit in separate rooms—rather than face-to-face meetings."
Domestic violence is always a challenging issue for mediators. Some mediators won’t mediate a case with domestic violence. We try to screen for it but I am not sure we always are made aware of it. If we do find it, we always question the party further to make sure the party feels safe and can participate in the mediation without feeling intimidated. If we decide to mediate, we will stop the mediation at anytime we feel domestic violence is effecting the process. When I did domestic violence training, I remember the instructor talking about the "look." It was classical conditioning. The spouse only had to hit the other spouse once. After that the spouse only had to give the other spouse the "look." It is like an invisible fence for dogs. In retrospect, I realize that I have been doing more evaluative mediation in divorce mediation cases where domestic violence is an issue. I believe divorce cases where there has been domestic violence can be mediated but it takes a highly skilled and trained mediator whois using the right style of mediation.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation or Divorce by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM (169) 3/14/10

Cohabiting and Divorce

Over the years I have seen many couples get married for the wrong reasons. They often think that marrying will save the relationship. They often have a child for the same reason. I was reminded of this by the article in the March 3, 2010 New York Times by Sam Roberts entitled, "
Study Finds Cohabiting Doesn’t Make a Union Last" You can read the entire article at http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/03/us/03marry.html Mr. Roberts writes about a study done by
the National Center for Health Statistics using data from the National Survey of Family Growth conducted in 2002. He says, "Couples who live together before they get married are less likely to stay married, a new study has found. But their chances improve if they were already engaged when they began living together. The likelihood that a marriage would last for a decade or more decreased by six percentage points if the couple had cohabited first, the study found." Interestly, he goes on to report that "Half of couples who cohabit marry within three years...If both partners are college graduates, the chances improve that they will marry and that their marriage will last at least 10 years." Mr. Roberts or the study don’t say why this is the case for non college graduates but it I think it may be as I said that they are trying to fix an already broken relationship. I have also noted that marriage may change a relationship. I knew a couple where the woman was in control when they were living together and the man was in control when they got married. I also know that people often behave one way in order to get married and then behave differently when they do get married. This is another reason why I strongly advocate premarital counseling and a more wide spread process for letting divorcing non married couples. What are your experiences? Share them with us and perhaps help a couple from making the wrong decision. One last comment, the article also notes that in general one in five marriages will dissolve within five years. On in three will last less than ten years.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(168) 3/3/10

Delaying Divorce in Arizona

A front page story in today’s Arizona Daily Star indicates that "state lawmakers are moving to make couples who have decided their marriage isn’t working wait four months longer to divorce." See entire article at http://azstarnet.com/news/local/govt-and-politics/article_3dae7780-0037-59c2-a0dd-63f3ce8715a7.html?mode=story . I believe there should be some waiting period and the 61 days we currently have in Arizona works well. Anything more seems long. I was interested in the comment that 4 out of 5 getting a divorce don’t want the divorce. Anyone who is a divorce professional knows this is very typical but not for the reasons the lawmakers think. Also studies have shown that prolonged divorces are very bad for children. There are many other things we can do encourage better marriages and divorces. This is not one of them. I know from my professional experience that mediating more divorces would not only save some marriages but is much better for children.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(167) 2/12/10

NPR and Children of Divorce

My daughters have an interest in what we do as a divorce mediators. They often send me articles that I will be interested in. My oldest daughter recently sent me the January 4, 2010 article which was on the NPR web site by Sasha Aslanian entitled, "What The Divorce Revolution Has Meant For Kids." You can see the entire article at http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=122127796 Since it was about children, it was appropriate that it came from my daughter. Ms. Aslanian contrasts the recent history of children in divorce from the movie Kramer vs. Kramer with what has happened in Henepin County, Minnesota. In the movie the couple are locked in a custody battle over their young son. The child they were fighting over doesn't have much of a voice in the movie. It's more a drama about his parents. In Hennepin County, Minnesota steps are being taken for the sake of the kids.
She indicates that the "Country tried something different. At the first meeting with the judge right after filing for divorce, there would be no motions. No judicial robes. And the attorneys would sit on the sidelines. ‘The judge would sit down with parties and talk to them about such things as childhood development. What they could do to help their kids. What would send their kids' mental health south real fast. What they could do to preserve some of their assets for their kids' extracurricular activities or college, rather than the lawyers' kids' extracurricular activities and college, After the initial meeting, the couple would come back a few weeks later and meet with a male and a female custody evaluator. They would try to come up with a reasonable plan that everyone could buy into. A separate meeting dealt with the financial part of divorce.""
She also discusses the County’s court-mandated class for kids whose parents were getting divorced. She says they practiced role-playing how to avoid divorce traps. — like being asked to spy on the other parent or parents who spew venom about each other.
Divorce does not have to be a disaster for the children. If the parents care, they can do things to make it better for their children. I always tell my clients they have given their children a wonderful gift.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(166) 1/26/10

Zero-Sum Divorce

Recently, I have been reading, "The Evolution of God" by Robert Wright. See his web site at http://evolutionofgod.net/ He uses the "zero-sum" concept in his book. I have been coming across this concept in many contexts lately. Wikepedia say, "In game theory and economic theory, zero-sum describes a situation in which a participant's gain or loss is exactly balanced by the losses or gains of the other participant(s). If the total gains of the participants are added up, and the total losses are subtracted, they will sum to zero. Zero-sum can be thought of more generally as constant sum where the benefits and losses to all players sum to the same value... Cutting a cake is zero- or constant-sum, because taking a larger piece reduces the amount of cake available for others. In contrast, non-zero-sum describes a situation in which the interacting parties' aggregate gains and losses is either less than or more than zero." It has been my experience that zero sum can also be diagnostic of a person’s view of situations. For instance, I have found that Conservatives are tend to see things as zero sum and Liberals tend to see things as non-zero sum. As usual I try to apply ideas to divorce. It is my experience that Adversary or Traditional Divorces are zero-sum and Mediated Divorces are non-zero sum. You can always find both in either type of divorce. If you can identify if a party is zero-sum or non-zero sum, it helps to determine how they will problem solve or negotiate. Once you know this it makes it easier to resolve the case. A note of caution, you try to explain to the parties if the pie is constant or can be made larger but you can’t usually convert a zero-sum person to a non-zero sum person.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(165) 1/19/10

Record Number of Divorces

A short article in the New York Times caught my eye. It said in part, " On the other hand, vows are apparently a necessity for an Israeli man who at age 50 has just been granted his 11th divorce. The BBC reports that the man, from Jerusalem, usually divorces after two years and immediately goes out bride hunting. Or perhaps bride reeling. "I send out a hook in all directions, and the fish come on their own," the man, who was not named, said. According to the rabbinical court that announced the divorce, 11 is a record for Jews in Israel. The court praised the man's adherence to religious procedure. Under Jewish law, a man seeking a divorce grants his wife a "get," which declares, ‘You are hereby permitted to all men.’" See the article at http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/09/weekinreview/10grist-2.html

It made me think who set the record for the most divorces. If Wikepedia is too be trusted is appears to be Glynn Wolfe, a former Baptist minister. They say, " he managed the feat a heartbreaking 28 times throughout his life. The shortest of his marriages was a mere 19 days, while the longest lasted an impressive 7 years." He was married 29 times. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glynn_Wolfe
He apparently died with $480 to his name. I guess it is very costly to get divorce 28 times!

As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(164) 1/12/10

Top Reasons People Divorce

I am surprised I have not done this before. In an article in Associated Content on June 1, 2006, Linda M. McCloud says the following are the top reasons people get divorced. See entire article at http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/35097/top_reasons_people_divorce.html Do you agree? Would you include other reasons in the list?

Money.
Infidelity.
Poor communication
Change in priorities. This can be caused by having kids or due to ones job, big things.
Lack of commitment to the marriage.
Sexual problems.
Other reasons that come up frequently, but not as frequently are:
Addictions
Failed expectations of your spouse (believing one is a super hero or that he/she can fix or be everything to or for you)
Physical, emotional or sexual abuse.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(163) 1/2/10