CENTER FOR DIVORCE MEDIATION -------------------------------------THE CONFLICT MANAGERS------------

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Cuban Divorce

I wrote a blog about Mediation in Cuba on May 2, 2008. See it at http://centerfordivorcemediation.blogspot.com/search/label/Mediation%20in%20Cuba I said that Divorce in Cuba is not as complicated as here. There are no issues dealing with health care or housing and there is a strong presumption that the Mother retains custody of the children. It is worth discussing more. See December 31, 2007 article in New York Times by the Associated Press entitled, “Divorce Is Easy in Cuba, but a Housing Shortage Makes Breaking Up Hard.” The problem is housing. You can get divorced but will have no place to live. Will the gradual changes in the Cuban government change the housing shortage and will there be a corresponding increase in divorce? Time will tell.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ CDM (274) 4/4/13

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Blog about Blog

I have been doing this blog since May of 2008. This is my 273 blog. We have had a total of 15,439 hits.

The five most popular blogs in order of number of hits and the date of the blog are:

1. Divorce Proverbs and Aphorisms Mar 21, 2008, 1410

2. Divorce and Marriage Acronyms Jan 20, 2011, 515

3. New Arizona Child Support Guidelines Jul 17, 2010, 263

4. If Things Fall Apart, Who Gets the Ring? Oct 20, 2008, 211

5. Dementia and Divorce Jul 10, 2010, 205

6. Humor in Mediation and Divorce Feb 5, 2008, 163

7. Divorce Haiku Sept 4, 2010, 159

8. Dinosaurs Divorce Jan 9, 2012, 86

9. Divorce, Mediation and Broadcast Call Letters Feb 8, 2012

10. Divorce Games Part 2 Sep 11, 2010 74

When writing a blog you never know if it will be popular or not. I was surprised and don’t know why the Divorce Proverbs and Aphorisms has been so popular and the same with Acronyms. I can only assume that people search for a Proverb or Acronym and the blog comes up. I did a Google search for QDRO and the blog did not come up but when I searched QDRO "center for divorce mediation" it came up on the first page. I think that was just a little forced. Parents are very concerned about child support so I can understand by Child Support is 3. I was amused that Who Gets the Ring was 4. Dementia and Divorce being 5th, may indicate a problem which is not getting enough attention. I wanted to check the least popular but could not get that statistic. Also note that none of my recent blogs made the list. Most recent and most popular was Divorce Mediation and Call Letters on February 8, 2012 and that had only 83 hits. I guess this is also a function of age. The longer the blog is up, the more hits it gets. I was pleased that Dinosaurs Divorce which was in January 2012 had 86 hits.

I found it interesting how many hits we got from outside the United States. See below. Why was Russia second?

United States-8481

Russia-612

Germany-604

United Kingdom-545

France-498

Canada-368

India-219

South Korea-180

Poland-153

Australia-121

The hits have some correlation with the list in order of most divorces in a country. See below.

1. United States
2. Puerto Rico
3. Russia
4. United Kingdom
5. Denmark
6. New Zealand
7. Australia
8. Canada
9. Finland
10. Barbados

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

China Marriage and Divorce

China has been in the Marriage and Divorce news lately. Once on March 9, 2013 article in the New York Times by Brook Larmer article entitled “The Price of Marriage in China.” See entire article at http://www.nytimes.com/2013/03/10/business /in-a-changing-china-new-matchmaking-markets.html

Larmer says, “Three decades of combustive economic growth have reshaped the landscape of marriage in China. A generation ago, China was one of the world’s most equal nations, in both gender and wealth. Most people were poor, and tight controls over housing, employment, travel and family life simplified the search for a suitable match — what the Chinese call mendang hudui, meaning roughly “family doors of equal size.” ….

China’s transition to a market economy has swept away many restrictions in people’s lives. But of all the new freedoms the Chinese enjoy today — making money, owning a house, choosing a career — there is one that has become an unexpected burden: seeking a spouse. This may be a time of sexual and romantic liberation in China, but the solemn task of finding a husband or wife is proving to be a vexing proposition for rich and poor alike.

“The old family and social networks that people used to rely on for finding a husband or wife have fallen apart,” said James Farrer, an American sociologist whose book, “Opening Up,” looks at sex, dating and marriage in contemporary China. “There’s a huge sense of dislocation in China, and young people don’t know where to turn.”

… Demographic changes, too, are creating complications. Not only are many more Chinese women postponing marriage to pursue careers, but China’s gender gap — 118 boys are born for every 100 girls — has become one of the world’s widest, fueled in large part by the government’s restrictive one-child policy. By the end of this decade, Chinese researchers estimate, the country will have a surplus of 24 million unmarried men.

Without traditional family or social networks, many men and women have taken their searches online, where thousands of dating and marriage Web sites have sprung up in an industry that analysts predict will soon surpass $300 million annually. These sites cater mainly to China’s millions of white-collar workers. But intense competition, along with mistrust of potential mates’ online claims, has spurred a growing number of singles — rich and poor — to turn to more hands-on matchmaking services.

China’s matchmaking tradition stretches back more than 2,000 years, to the first imperial marriage broker in the late Zhou dynasty. The goal of matchmakers ever since has usually been to pair families of equal stature for the greater social good. Today, however, matchmaking has warped into a commercial free-for-all in which marriage is often viewed as an opportunity to leap up the social ladder or to proclaim one’s arrival at the top.

Single men have a hard time making the list if they don’t own a house or an apartment, which in cities like Beijing are extremely expensive. And despite the gender imbalance, Chinese women face intense pressure to be married before the age of 28, lest they be rejected and stigmatized as “leftover women.”

Dozens of high-end matchmaking services have sprung up in China in the last five years, charging big fees to find and to vet prospective spouses for wealthy clients. Their methods can turn into gaudy spectacle. One firm transported 200 would-be trophy wives to a resort town in southwestern China for the perusal of one powerful magnate. Another organized a caravan of BMWs for rich businessmen to find young wives in Sichuan Province. Diamond Love, among the largest love-hunting services, sponsored a matchmaking event in 2009 where 21 men each paid a $15,000 entrance fee.”

On the other hand, there was an article by David Barboza in the March 8, 2013 New York Times entitled, “In China, Checklist for a Home Seller: First, Get a Divorce.” See entire article at http://www.nytimes.com/2013/03/09/world/asia/some-chinese-seek-a-divorce-to-avoid-real-estate-tax.html

Barboza says, “Divorce filings shot up here and in other big cities across China this past week after rumors spread that one way to avoid the new 20 percent tax on profits from housing sales was to separate from a spouse, at least on paper.

The surge in divorce filings is the latest indication of how volatile an issue real estate has become in China in the past decade and how resistant people are to additional taxes.”

Perhaps these two trends will cancel each other out or perhaps all the people getting divorced will increase the supply of people to get married!

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Best and Worst States for Getting Divorced

I am aware that the states differ dramatically in the nature of divorces and have wondered which the best and worst states are. As usual I goggled and found the following: The Best and Worst States for Getting Divorced by Joel Stonington and Alex McIntyre at http://www.bloomberg.com/money-gallery/2011-11-10/best-and-worst-states-for-getting-divorced.html#slide2.

Following are excerpts from the article.

Bloomberg Rankings rated the 50 U.S. states and the District of Columbia on the obstacles they pose to obtaining a divorce. These include court filing fees, mandated separation periods, residency requirements, waiting periods, and the minimum time required to complete the divorce process. Read on to see how states rank, from easiest to most difficult.”

Easiest
New Hampshire (1)
Filing fee: $180*
Minimum processing time: 0 days*
Divorce rate: 9.9**
You can't stay in a hotel for one night and go home single the next, but getting divorced in New Hampshire is almost that easy. There's no minimum processing time or minimum residency. "Say you're both living in Massachusetts," said Cathryn Nunlist, associate professor of law at Vermont Law School. "You both move to New Hampshire. You can file the next day, not a problem. There is a requirement that you are a resident. You can establish residency just by crossing the border and staying there."

*All state data from state websites
**U.S. Census Bureau, number of persons divorcing annually among 1,000 men and women, aged 15 and over

Home State
Arizona (19)
Filing fee: $321
Minimum processing time: 150 days
Divorce rate: 11.4
In 1998, Arizona followed in Louisiana's footsteps and enacted what is known as covenant marriage, by which couples agree to premarital counseling and accept fewer options for divorce. Those who choose a covenant marriage must prove fault if there is no agreement about dissolving it.

Hardest
Vermont (51)
Filing fee: $262.50
Minimum processing time: 450 days
Divorce rate: 10.6

It's hard to get divorced in Vermont. "When they come to me and say 'let's get divorced,' I say, 'let's do it in New Hampshire because that's the easier one," said Cathryn Nunlist, a professor at Vermont Law School. Nunlist practices divorce law and lives near the border of Vermont and New Hampshire. Couples must live apart during Vermont's six-month mandated separation time. A year of residency is required before a divorce can be granted, and then a three-month "decree nisi" period must pass before a judge's approval becomes absolute.

Entire list

· New Hampshire (1)

· Wyoming (2)

· Alaska (3)

· Idaho (4)

· South Dakota (5)

· Nevada (6)

· Maine (7)

· Tennessee (8)

· Montana (9)

· Missouri (10)

· Iowa (11)

· Connecticut (12)

· Kansas (13)

· North Dakota (14)

· Washington (15)

· New Mexico (16)

· Massachusetts (17)

· Oklahoma (18)

· Arizona (19)

· Alabama (20)

· Hawaii (21)

· Ohio (22)

· Georgia (23)

· Minnesota (24)

· Colorado (25)

· Mississippi (26)

· Kentucky (27)

· Delaware (28)

· Utah (29)

· Michigan (30)

· Washington, D.C. (31)

· Virginia (32)

· Indiana (33)

· Illinois (34)

· Florida (35)

· Texas (36)

· West Virginia (37)

· Louisiana (38)

· Oregon (39)

· Pennsylvania (40)

· Wisconsin (41)

· Maryland (42)

· New Jersey (43)

· North Carolina (44)

· Nebraska (45)

· New York (46)

· California (47)

· Arkansas (48)

· South Carolina (49)

· Rhode Island (50)

· Vermont (51)

Methodology

The ranking applies to no-fault divorces of couples with no minor children. All numbers are statutory minimums and do not reflect waivers or exceptions granted by the courts. The 50 states and District of Columbia accrue points based on the following variables:

Court filing fees (10 points).

Minimum separation period (20 points): This includes whether or not the state requires separation before divorce (5 points), the length of separation required (10 points) and the strictness of the terms of separation (5 points).

Minimum length of residency (20 points).

Minimum waiting period after filing for divorce (20 points).

Minimum number of days required for entire process, from start to finish (30 points).

Final score: For each variable, the state with the lowest value received zero points, while the state with the highest value received the maximum number of points. Remaining states were then awarded points on a percentile basis. States were ranked on total points, with a higher score indicating a more onerous divorce process.

Data providers: Bloomberg, U.S. Census Bureau, U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, state bar associations, legislatures and judiciaries for each state and the District of Columbia

This is more of a procedural analysis. It is also important to look at results. For example alimony varies tremendously. See my Monday, April 7, 2008 blog on Alimony Questions at http://centerfordivorcemediation.blogspot.com/2008/04/alimony-questions.html

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Divorce and Technology

Was listening to NPR this morning and heard an interesting story. Goggled it and found the following article by Melissa Knowles in Trending Now at http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/trending-now/woman-dumps-boyfriend-finding-him-another-woman-online-200641774.html# entitled, “Woman Dumps Boyfriend After Finding Him with Another Woman in Online Map”

“There is no good way to find out that your significant other is cheating on you, but one woman in Russia discovered her boyfriend's infidelity in a pretty surprising manner. Marina Voinova was looking up an address on Russia's version of Google Maps, Yandex Maps. She wanted to get a closer glimpse of a building using the street view feature. So she zoomed in, and there was her boyfriend Sasha with his arms around another woman.

Well, perhaps it was just an old picture that was taken before he and Marina were a couple. Only problem with that was that Marina and Sasha had been together for five years, and the Yandex Maps feature has only been around for three years. And, the plot thickens: Sasha is seen in the photograph with his arm in a cast, which he had to wear last summer.

When Sasha returned home, Marina asked him to type the address she had looked up into Yandex Maps. Once Sasha saw the incriminating image of himself, Marina said, his entire face changed color and he confessed everything.

Marina promptly broke up with her boyfriend after her discovery and said it would be "silly to blame the Web for my boyfriend's unfaithfulness." Now, instead of searching online maps, Marina is single and searching online dating sites.”

This relates to a recent conversation with an attorney friend. He attends the Legal Tech show each year. He advises me that more and more of the show deals with disclosure and production of online data. Attorney now request this information and are given huge quantities of material that may be difficult for either side to decipher. As a result contested divorces are now longer and more expensive. Parties are now checking email more. Requesting all contents of hard drives. Checking EZ Pass toll records. It is amazing what people put on Facebook and accessing it is a no brainer. There does not seem to be a limit. Perhaps this is another good reason to use divorce mediation!

Thursday, February 21, 2013

DIVORCE AND FRIENDSHIP

Although a divorce professional, very few of my friends have gotten divorced. One of the complaints that I have heard from couples in my professional capacity is when you divorce your spouse you divorce your friends. As a result, I have always made a very strong attempt to maintain my friendships with my divorced friends. The irony of this is that I did not divorce them, they divorced me. There are problems. Married women don’t feel all that comfortable around newly available women. Fear that divorce is contagious or he is a threat to his marriage. If the friend is friend to both, there may be a confidentiality problem which has a chilling effect on conversation.

I found an interesting article entitled “How to Be a Good Friend to Both Parties in a Divorce” Edited by Foxglove, Sondra C, Lillian May, Khizar Uzair Patel and 11 others. You can find it at http://www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Good-Friend-to-Both-Parties-in-a-Divorce

The article recommends the following steps to help you be a friend to both.

1. “Tell them both that you will not choose sides. Be honest with both of them, letting them know that you will accept all calls, emails, etc. from their ex, and will do your best to remain neutral. If there's a problem with that, you'll have to decide then, but don't pretend you're not in contact with the other spouse. Instead, it's best to be honest, but say, "I'm not taking sides. I'm Switzerland." This way neither will be surprised to find out you've heard from the other.

2. If you do find yourself siding with one, limit contact with the other. Once you've heard both sides of the story (don't pre-judge!), if you realize you are more sympathetic to one (for example, adultery was involved, and you are siding with the spouse who didn't cheat), you will have to decide if you care to continue your friendship with the ex. Clearly, you will at least need to limit your contact to bare minimums to prevent yourself from lecturing or scolding the offender.

3. Reveal no opinion on who is right or wrong. Unless you know for a fact that something is factual, do not take a position. Each person will have his or her own filter and will be playing back every incident through that filter. He said/she said is never accurate, both perceive the same incidents in completely different ways. Simply listen, be a sounding board, and "reflect" each spouse's feelings back to them.

o             Example: Him: "I just can't believe she'd do this to me, I mean, do you think she is having an affair? How could she?"
o             You: "I don't know, man. I can hear how upset you are, though. It's hard to believe it could go so wrong between you, isn't it?"
o             In other words, don't buy into his wild suppositions, despair, or anger. Simply be there for him.

4.            Expect anything you say to one to get back to the other. There's rarely a mutual and simultaneous parting of the ways. One spouse decides to leave the other. Sometimes it will seem sudden and without warning, but more likely, if the spouse being left is honest, the signs have been there - s/he's just been denying it. Your first compulsion will be to commiserate, and a lot of times, this takes the form of you assuring (for example) the sobbing partner that you can well believe her husband's acting this way - you've seen it with past girlfriends, or whatever. In her frustration, rage, and fear, she will use this validation of her very raw feelings to prove some point to her formerly dearly beloved, and eventually, you will suddenly find yourself on the pointy end of a finger as he accuses you of betraying his secrets.

5. Resist answering emails from either of them. Although emails are quick and convenient, they're also impersonal and non-retractable. And they are in print. You don't want to put things in writing to either one of your friends right now; you just want to be a good friend. They can't see your sympathetic face, and they also can't put a tone of voice to it. They're going through a very tough time right now, and their nerves are on edge, rubbed raw with emotion - any little joke you make or bit of irony you add in an email is likely to rub them the wrong way, so don't compound an already tough problem by doing this. If you get an email, IM or text from them, call them back. All they need is to hear your voice. It'll help.

6. If all else fails, detach from both for the duration. This is a last resort, to be taken only if you find yourself being taken to task a second or third time for "betraying a confidence," etc. Remembering the previous step, you must know that each of them is feeling pretty much like they've been chained to a pickup hitch and dragged for a while. Each of them is looking for any little thing they could seize upon to use as a scapegoat - something, anything, to blame for their present difficulties. If you find you present too tempting a target to them, make a polite exit. Tell them both, perhaps via email with each of them in the TO: line, that you love and value the friendship of each of them, but find yourself too far in the middle of things for your comfort. While you want to remain friends with both of them, you are no longer able to continue at the moment, that you want to be sure you do not intrude upon their private hell. Let them know that when it's all over, you'll be there for them both, and that they know how to reach you, but that for the time being, you want to give them the time and space they need to work out their issues once and for all - without you. Even if they try to get you involved, resist temptation.

7. Listen. Anyone going through a divorce needs someone to listen and not judge. This involves silence when you may not want to be silent. This involves keeping the information you hear confidential even when you are asked by someone what the person said. This involves paying attention when you may have heard the same story more than once.

8. Pray. Pray for both parties. It will be difficult for them to make it safely to the other side in one piece. Let them know you are praying for them, if they and you are religious.”