Mediation and Mario Cuomo

I was pleased to see that Mario Cuomo was appointed the mediator in the Madoff/ Mets case. See follow up article in February 19, 2011 New York Times at http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/19/sports/baseball/19cuomo.html. Articles like this make the public more aware of mediation as an option to settle disputes. This is very necessary if mediation is ever going to an option equivalent to or better than litigation. The measure of success will be when mediation is chosen before litigation and not after litigation has started. The article highlights the issue of what is a mediator, although not by name. The style of mediation often confuses potential users of mediation. See my July 24, 2010 Blog on Styles of Mediation which discusses facilitative, evaluative, and transformative mediation. Parties should always be aware of the style of their mediator. Cuomo like most lawyers who have not been trained by programs approved by the Academy of Family Mediation and its successor the Association for Conflict Resolution is an evaluative mediator who uses power mediation to settle cases. As the article says, Cuomo is a skilled problem-solver, not a neutral mediator. He is intuitive enough to come up with interesting solutions.
The article also importantly points out that mediators cannot force the parties to settle. This is both a weakness and a strength. It makes it hard to resolve the case but makes for a more lasting and satisfying settlement. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (209 ) 3/5/11

Mediation the Cairn for Getting Divorced

Recently, I was hiking in Sabino Canyon on the Rattlesnake Trail. I notice many cairns on the trail. A cairn is a mound of stones piled up as a memorial or to mark a boundary or path and this case not a small rough-haired breed of terrier from Scotland. I had do go back to my Boy Scouts Handbook for Boys to remind me of what the different cairns mean. They include: This is not the trail. Turn right. Turn left. Danger Help. See pictures above. It occurred to me that a trail and cairns are a metaphor for getting a divorce. Hopefully, it will not be the Rattlesnake Trail. The couple must follow a trail and if not careful can get lost. Mediation is the cairn of divorce. It helps you on the trail and keeps the couple from getting lost. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (208) 2/26/11

Ketubah Update

Great minds think a like! In the February 11, 2011 New York Times Samuel G. Freedman did an article about ketubahs (actually the plural in Hebrew is ketubot) on entitled “Christians Embrace a Jewish Wedding Tradition.” For the article seehttp://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/12/us/12religion.html.
The article goes on to say that couples are using the ketubah as a way of affirming the Jewish roots of their faith. “Embracing this Jewish tradition just brings a richness that we miss out on sometimes as Christians when we don’t know the history,” said Mrs. Austin. “Jesus was Jewish, and we appreciate his culture, where he came from.” Beyond its specific basis in Judaism, the ketubah represented to the Austins a broader concept of holiness, of consecration. “We wanted a permanent reminder of the covenant we made with God,” Mrs. Austin said. “We see this document superseding the marriage license of a state or a court.”
Non Jewish couples are also using other customs like the huppah or wedding canopy. The article did not say so but I bet couples also have the groom stomp on a glass at the end too with the guests shouting "Mazel Tov!" If the couple gets divorced, will the couples be get a “get” or Jewish divorce too! Only time will tell.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (207) 2/19/11

Mediation and the Jump Ball

I was always tall for my age so was encouraged to play basketball. I was awful. Thought too much and did not play automatically. Played Biddy Basketball for the Laurels AC with our orange and black uniforms. I was also the third string center for West Rocks Junior High School team in Norwalk, Connecticut. I was the only player not to score any points. The only basket I made was nullified for a goal tending violation. My ongoing claim to fame was to have been on the same team and Calvin Murphy. He was only 5’ 8” but went on to play for the Houston Rockets and made the Hall of Fame. Ed Mewing was our coach. I continue to follow basketball. As a graduate of the University of Connecticut, I can’t resist watching our Women’s Basketball team. As a resident of Tucson, I follow the University of Arizona’s Women’s Basketball team.

What does this all have to do with mediation? As I have recently watched the games, I realized that the jump ball or now the opening tip is only used to start a half. When I played basketball and two players both grabbed the ball, there was a jump ball to determine possession.

Now since about 1981, most competitions use the alternating possession rule to settle all jump ball situations after the opening tip. This uses a possession arrow on the scorekeeper's table. Whenever such a jump ball situation occurs, the team whose basket that the possession arrow is currently pointing to gets the ball. The arrow then swaps to point to the other team. At the start of the game, the arrow points to the team that lost the opening tip.
In mediation and in particular divorce mediation, we have to determine possession. Who has possession of the children, the cars, the home, the bank accounts and much more. More often than not and especially in a litigated divorce, the dispute is settled with an approach similar to a jump ball. In mediation we don’t always alternate possession but we often use that or another approach which is less competitive than a jump ball. It not only speeds up the process but seems to work better.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (206) 2/12/11

Happy Marriage

Enjoyed Tara Parker-Pope’s January 2, 2011 article in the NewYork Times entitled “The Happy Marriage is the ‘Me’ Marriage.”

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/02/weekinreview/02parkerpope.html
She says,

“A lasting marriage does not always signal a happy marriage. Plenty of miserable couples have stayed together for children, religion or other practical reasons.
But for many couples, it’s just not enough to stay together. They want a relationship that is meaningful and satisfying. In short, they want a sustainable marriage.
‘The things that make a marriage last have more to do with communication skills, mental health, social support, stress — those are the things that allow it to last or not,” says Arthur Aron, a psychology professor who directs the Interpersonal Relationships Laboratory at the State University of New York at Stony Brook. “But those things don’t necessarily make it meaningful or enjoyable or sustaining to the individual.’
The notion that the best marriages are those that bring satisfaction to the individual may seem counterintuitive. After all, isn’t marriage supposed to be about putting the relationship first? “

This may explain why I see so many couples in mediation who seem to have a happy marriage but are getting divorced.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (205) 2/5/11

Divorce Facts and Annie Hall

In mediation, people often see the same facts differently. I like using references to movies to give people a new perspective. To show how people can use the same facts and draw a different conclusion I refer to a scene in the 1977 Woody Allen movie, Annie Hall. You can see the clip on Youtube at http://youtu.be/GFz2csc9qew It goes like this:

[Alvy (Woody Allen) and Annie (Diane Keaton) are seeing their therapists at the same time on a split screen]
Alvy Singer's Therapist: How often do you sleep together?
Annie Hall's Therapist: Do you have sex often?
Alvy Singer: [lamenting] Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.
Annie Hall: [annoyed] Constantly. I'd say three times a week.
Alvy is “Hardly” and Annie is “Constantly.”

Same facts different conclusion. The reference to the movie may not convince people but it usually helps the parties get by the impasse.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM (201) 1/6/11

Divorce and Marriage Acronyms

An acronym is an abbreviation that is formed using the initial components in a phrase or name. These components may be individual letters or parts of words. There are many acronyms used in divorce and marriage. Some of the major one are the following:
QDRO (Qualified Domestic Relations Order) It is a domestic relations order that creates or recognizes the existence of an alternate payee's right to receive, or assigns to an alternate payee the right to receive, all or a portion of the benefits payable with respect to a participant under a retirement plan, and that includes certain information and meets certain other requirements.
COBRA (Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act) It gives workers and their families who lose their health benefits the right to choose to continue group health benefits provided by their group health plan for limited periods of time under certain circumstances such as voluntary or involuntary job loss, reduction in the hours worked, transition between jobs, death, divorce, and other life events. Qualified individuals may be required to pay the entire premium for coverage up to 102 percent of the cost to the plan.

QMCSO (Qualified Medical Child Support Order) It is a court order used to enforce an order for a health plan participant to provide child support health benefits. It requires a health plan to include a child as covered under a health plan, even if the child(ren) or the participant do not meet the conditions of the health plan. A QMSCO is typically used to gain coverage for a child under a non-custodial parent's group health plan. It is normally obtained by a divorced or separated spouse or by a state child support or Medicaid agency. The order authorizes withholding the participant's share of the cost for coverage from their pay. They may not drop coverage for the child without proof that the QMSCO is no longer in effect

DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act) It is a law that that states that no state (or other political subdivision within the United States) needs to treat as a marriage a same-sex relationship considered a marriage in another state and the federal government defines marriage as a legal union between one man and one woman.
These are some other acronyms:

BIC = Best Interests of the Child
BIL = Brother In Law
BF = Biological Father
BM = Biological MotherCD = Consent Decree
CO = Court Order
COC = Change Of Custody
CP = Custodial Parent
CPS = Child Protective Services
CS = Child Support
CSE = Child Support Enforcement
FERPA = Family Educational Rights & Privacy Act
FIL = Father In Law
FOR = Father Of Record
GAL = Guardian Ad Litem
GP = Grand Parents
HOH = Head Of Household
FIL = Father In Law
MIL = Mother In Law
MOU = Memorandum of Understanding
MSA = Marital Settlement Agreement
MSOL = Marital Standard Of Living
NCP = Non Custodial Parent
OM = Other Man
OW = Other Woman
OSD/OSS = Oldest Step Daughter/Oldest Step Son
PAS = Parental Alienation Syndrome
PKPA = Parental Kidnapping Prevention Act
QDRO = Qualified Domestic Relations Order
RO = Restraining Order
SAHM = Stay At Home Mom
SC = Step Child or Children
SF = Step Father
SM = Step Mother
SD = Step Daughter
SIL = Sister In Law
SKIDS = Step Kids
SS = Step Son
STBX = Soon To Be Ex
SO = Significant Other
SIL = Sister In Law
TRO = Temporary Restraining Order
UIFSA = Uniform Interstate Family Support Act
UCCJA = Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction Act

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (203) 1/20/11