Friday, March 21, 2008

Divorce Proverbs and Aphorisms

When I mediate I often use a proverb or aphorism. In particular, I use one, my father always used when my sister and I were fighting over the last piece of cake. My father use to say, "One shall divide and the other shall choose." I never thought till now, where my father’s words came from and it is too late to ask him. However, I did check the internet and found it came from James Harrington (January 3, 1611-September 11, 1677) who was an English political theorist of classical republicanism who is best known for his controversial work, "The Commonwealth of Oceana." I was surprised that the actual quote dealt with cake! It reads as follows:
" For example, two of them have a cake yet undivided which was given between them that each of them therefore may have that which is due. ‘Divide,’ says one to the other, ‘and I will choose, or let me divide, and you shall choose.’ If this be but once agreed upon, it is enough, for the divider dividing unequally loses in regard that the other takes the better half. Wherefore, she divides equally and so both have right."
This has lead me to put together the following list of other useful proverbs and aphorisms, some of which I found at http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/proverbs.html. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located at the below the directions. List any proverbs or aphorisms you think I left off my list. WM 3/21/08

Divorce Proverbs and Aphorisms
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step
A leopard cannot change its spots
A little knowledge is a dangerous thing
Actions speak louder than words
All good things come to he who waits
All that glitters is not gold
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure
As you sow so shall you reap
Ask no questions and hear no lies
Barking dogs seldom bite
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
Fairness is in the eye of the beholder
Beggars can't be choosers
Better late than never
Better safe than sorry
Better the Devil you know than the Devil you don't
Charity begins at home
Comparisons are odious
Count you blessings
Discretion is the better part of valor
Do as you would be done by
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you
Don't bite the hand that feeds you
Don't burn your bridges behind you
Don't count your chickens before they are hatched
Don't cross the bridge till you come to it
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth
Don't make unimportant things important
Don't put all your eggs in one basket
Don't rock the boat
Don't run when they're not chasing you.
Don't try to walk before you can crawl
Don't upset the apple-cart
Doubt is the beginning not the end of wisdom
Easy come, easy go
Enough is as good as a feast
Enough is enough
Every dark cloud has a silver lining
Every dog has his day
Every man has his price
Every stick has two ends
Failing to plan is planning to fail
Familiarity breeds contempt
Finders keepers, losers weepers
First things first
Fools rush in where angels fear to tread
Forewarned is forearmed
Fortune favors the brave
God helps those who help themselves
Good fences make good neighbors
Good things come to those who wait
Great minds think alike
Half a loaf is better than no bread
Hard work never did anyone any harm
Haste makes waste
He who hesitates is lost
He who laughs last laughs longest
He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
He who pays the piper calls the tune
Hindsight is always twenty-twenty
History repeats itself
If God had meant us to fly he'd have given us wings
If a job is worth doing it is worth doing well
If at first you don't succeed try, try and try again
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade
If the mountain won't come to Mohammed, Mohammed must go to the mountain
If wishes were horses beggars would ride
If you can't be good, be careful.
If you can't beat em, join em
If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery
In the kingdom of the blind the one eyed man is king
Into every life a little rain must fall
It goes without saying
It never rains but it pours
It takes a thief to catch a thief
It takes one to know one
It's better to give than to receive
It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all
It's better to light a candle than curse the darkness
It's never too late
It's no use locking the stable door after the horse has bolted
It's not worth crying over spilt milk
It's the early bird that gets the worm
It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease
Keep your powder dry
Laugh and the world laughs with you, weep and, you weep alone
Laughter is the best medicine
Let bygones be bygones
Let not the sun go down on your wrath
Let sleeping dogs lie
Let the punishment fit the crime
Life begins at forty
Life is what you make it
Lightening never strikes twice in the same place
Live for today for tomorrow never comes
Look before you leap
Love is blind
Make love not war
Man does not live by bread alone
Marry in haste, repent at leisure
Mighty oaks from little acorns grow
Misery loves company
Money doesn't grow on trees
Money makes the world go round
Money talks
Nature abhors a vacuum
Necessity is the mother of invention
Never judge a book by its cover
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today
No man is an island
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent
No rest for the wicked
Nothing is certain but death and taxes
Oil and water don't mix
One good turn deserves another
Opportunity only knocks once
Out of sight, out of mind
People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones
Possession is nine tenths of the law
Practice makes perfect
Pride comes before a fall
Procrastination is the thief of time
Put your best foot forward
Rome wasn't built in a day
Spare the rod and spoil the child
Talk is cheap
That which does not kill us makes us stronger
The cobbler always wears the worst shoes
The darkest hour is just before the dawn
The early bird catches the worm
The ends justify the means
The means are more important than the end
The exception which proves the rule
The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world
The longest journey starts with a single step
The more things change, the more they stay the same
The proof of the pudding is in the eating
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach
There are none so blind as those, that will not see
There but for the grace of God go I
There's always more fish in the sea
There's more than one way to skin a cat
There's no place like home
There's no smoke without fire
There's no such thing as a free lunch
There's no time like the present
There's none so deaf as they that will not hear
Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it
Those who sleep with dogs will rise with fleas
Time and tide wait for no man
Time is a great healer
To err is human, to forgive divine
Too many cooks spoil the broth
Truth is stranger than fiction
Two heads are better then one
Two wrongs don't make a right
We are often saved by the craziness of others
Where there's a will there's a way
Worrying never did anyone any good
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink
You can't get blood out of a stone
You can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear
You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs
You can't teach an old dog new tricks
You can't tell a book by looking at its cover
You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Beatle Divorce Costs McCartney $48.7 Million - In the News

As a Beatle fan, I was curious and sad to read about Paul McCartney’s divorce. See Reuters article published on March 17, 2008 entitled "McCartney Divorce Costs Beatle $48.7 Million at http://www.reuters.com/article/topNews/idUSL178643720080317?feedType=RSS&feedName=topNews or at http://www.reuters.com/article/topNews/idUSL178643720080317?rpc=28. The amount of the settlement seems very high for a short term marriage but perhaps as a percentage of his total worth of $800 million perhaps it is small. We often read about these high profile divorces but rarely read about high profile meditations. I am not sure it is because there are not many high profile divorce mediations or high profile couples choose mediation because it is more confidential and we don’t hear about the results. It is unfortunate that more people don’t read about mediation as an option. If more people read about mediation as an option to divorce, I believe more people would choose it. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. WM 3/19/08

Monday, March 17, 2008

Divorce Books

We are always on the look out for helpful books about divorce, family, and marriage.. These are some that we have found.
Let us know if you have other good books. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, Tucson or Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. WM 3/17/08


The Truth About Children and Divorce, Robert Emery, Ph.D., $24.95, Penguin Group USA, 2004

We’re Still Family: What Grown Children Say About Their Parents’ Divorce, Constance Ahrons, Ph.D., $24.95, Harper-Collins, 2004

Divorce Book for Parents, Vicki Lasky, $5.99, Book Peddlers, 1996.

Divorce & Money How to Make the Best Financial Decisions During Divorce, Violet Woodhouse and Victoria Collins, $26.95, Nollo Press.

Divorce and New Beginnings: An Authoritative Guide to Recovery and Growth, Solo Parenting, and Stepfamilies, Genevieve Clapp, John Wiley & Sons, 1992.

How It Feels When Parents Divorce, Jill Krementz, Alfred A. Knopf, 1988.

The Kids' Book of Divorce, Eric Rofes, Vintage Books, 1981.

Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Shared Custody Work, Isolina Ricci, Collier Books, 1997.

Surviving the Breakup, Judith Wallerstein and Joan Berlin Kelly, Basic Books, 1980.

Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships, Diane Vaughan, Vintage Books, 1990.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Three Little Pigs Go to Mediation

The Red Cross has asked me to teach a workshop on Conflict Management. Presentations can be very boring if there is only a lecture. In an effort to make the workshop more interesting I did some research on the internet to find material. I came across a fun and informative video called "The Three Little Pigs Go to Mediation" by Department of Veterans Affairs. You can see the video at http://www.va.gov/orm/Mediation/Pigs_all_scenes.swf As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. WM 3/15/08

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Divorce Study of Results

One day when we were taking a walk, Mary asked me about results in divorce cases. We realized that opinions about the results in divorce cases were anecdotal and based on the experience of the person giving his or her opinion. As a result we conducted a statistically significant study of the outcomes of divorces in Connecticut. We compared 200 adversary cases to 200 mediated cases. You can see the article about the results of our study at our website at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/AZ%20divorce%20mediation%20study_of_divorce_outcomes1.htm As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. WM 3/13/08

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Collaborative Practice - In the News

A December 19, 2007, Associated Press story entitled "Lawyers and Clients Collaborate on Kinder, Gentler Divorces" reminded me to discuss Collaborative Practice. See article at http://www.iht.com/articles/ap/2007/12/19/america/NA-GEN-US-Gentler-Divorce.php. Also see the website of the International Academy of Collaborative Practice at http://www.collaborativepractice.com/. I strongly believe that clients should make an informed choice of the divorce process that works best for them. It may adversary, mediation or collaboration. Collaborative Practice assists divorcing clients when adversary divorce or mediation is unsuitable to reach a negotiated settlement. Collaborative Practice uses cooperative rather than adversarial strategies. The guiding principle is the commitment to avoid court and the threat of litigation to reach settlement of their cases. A key factor that distinguishes Collaborative Practice from other ways of obtaining a divorce is that the parties and the attorneys agree that the attorneys will withdraw from the case if it becomes adversarial. I believe that as much effort should be exerted toward settlement as is traditionally spent in preparing and conducting a trial. The goal of Collaborative Practice is to minimize the negative economic, social, and emotional consequences of protracted litigation on the participants and their families. Client who use Collaborative Practice can rely on their attorneys and counselors for guidance, but they also rely on their own creativity and integrity to reach an agreement that will provide a strong foundation for the future well-being of their post-divorce family. Each party is represented by an independent attorney who together with the client works with the other spouse and his or her attorney in four-way conferences to achieve an equitable settlement. All professional advisors including accountants, therapists, appraisers, and financial planners, are hired jointly by the divorcing couple and provide expert advice to support the achievement of a fair settlement. While this approach cannot alter the underlying differences that have led the couple to consider divorce, an honest exchange of information and commitment to consider the needs and concerns of all parties involved in the divorce, including the children, leads most couples to a satisfying agreement without resorting to a courtroom battle. There are different approaches to Colaborative Practice. You should discuss with your Collaborative Practice professional the different options. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. WM 3/12/08

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Proxy Marriage - In the News

Usually, I write about mediation or divorce but a recent article by Dan Barry entitled "Trading Vows in Montana, No Couple Required" in the March 10, 2008 issue of the New York Times caught my eye. See the entire article at
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/10/us/10land.html?=1362888000&en=91fd0351ad35615a&ei=5124&partner=permalink&exprod=permalink.
Apparently it all began five years ago, when a soldier from Montana, serving in Iraq, wanted to marry his Italian girlfriend. Montana has a little used law which allowed proxy marriages. There is now even a website called http://www.marriagebyproxy.com/. The war in Iraq seems to be the main reason for most of the marriages. The law has recently been amended to require that one party in a double-proxy marriage be either a Montana resident or a member of the armed forces on active duty. The marriages are recognized in every state but Iowa. Perhaps next we can do proxy mediations or proxy divorces! As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. WM 3/11/08