Religious Divorce and Annulment

When we mediate divorce cases, we focus most of our time on the classic issues of marital property, support, and parenting. For many couples, however, there is also the issue of a religious divorce. Jewish couples may ultimately want to obtain a Jewish divorce or "Get" and Catholic couples, usually without children, may want to obtain a church Annulment. The main reason for obtaining a Get or Annulment is so that either party may remarry in a religious ceremony. As mediators we facilitate discussion about the issues of religious divorce and provide information and resources about Gets and Annulments to those who request them. We mediate the issues relating to the Get and annulment and include what the couple decides, in the Mediation Agreement. It is easier to do this when the couple obtains their civil divorce and the parties are implementing the other aspects of their divorce. Later, the couple may be geographically separated or not as willing to work on the issue for a variety of reasons. The process, but not the court, are very similar for obtaining a Get and an Annulment. The religious divorce process is very similar to the spirit of mediation

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A Get is actually a writ of divorce. A Get is required when a Jewish couple wishes to religiously dissolve their marriage. A Get is not required when only one spouse is Jewish. The Husband asks a trained scribe to write the Get. The Husband gives the Wife the Get in the presence of a rabbinical tribunal (Beth Din) of three individuals and two witnesses. The Wife’s acceptance of the Get makes the divorce final. It is not an adversary procedure. The Get makes no reference to responsibility, fault, or details of the settlement. The Rabbi issues a certificate of proof (p’tur) attesting to the fact that a Get was properly drawn up, delivered and accepted.

In order to obtain an Annulment, the couple must demonstrate that factors necessary for a valid marriage did not exist. These include three criteria: (1) A defect of canonical form such as being married by a justice of the peace or Protestant minister without getting permission from a Bishop. (2) An impediment such as being underage or marrying someone who was previously married whose marriage was not annulled. (3) The lack of consent due to mental illness, abuse of alcohol or drugs or physical abuse. The party or parties petition for the Annulment saying the marriage is invalid. Consistent with mediation, the parties do not seek to blame each other. The religious tribunal seeks information which confirms the statements of the petitioners. If the decision is in favor of Annulment, it must be reviewed by another tribunal of at least three judges. If the second court agrees, a decree of nullity is issued and both parties are free to re-marry in the Church.

The Mediation Agreement should include language that the parties will not contest, but will cooperate in obtaining the Annulment or the Get, and in providing the information required to file for the Annulment or Get. The Mediation Agreement should include a reasonable time within which the Annulment or Get will be obtained. There should not be a penalty clause in the Mediation Agreement for lack of cooperation in obtaining the Get, as the process must be voluntary. The Mediation Agreement will normally state how the parties will pay for obtaining an Annulment and the Get. As the Annulment and Get do not address the details of the settlement, the Mediation Agreement should have other provisions, if the couple wishes, that deal with other religious issues. These would include issues concerning religious education, confirmation, bar or bat mitzvah, weddings, funerals, and holidays. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. WM 3/10/08

Websites That Are Helpful

We are always on the look out for helpful websites. These are some that we have found. Let us know if you have other good websites. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. WM 3/7/08

Arizona, State of Home Page - http://az.gov/
Arizona Chapter of Association for Conflict Resolution - www.mediate.com/acrarizona
Census - www.census.gov/dmd/www/2khome.htm
Child Support Guidelines Booklet - www.supreme.state.az.us/dr/childsup/drguide.htm
College Saving Program for Arizona - http://arizona.collegesavings.com/
College, University of Arizona, cost - http://collegesearch.collegeboard.com/search/CollegeDetail.jsp?match=true&collegeId=987&type=qfs&word=university%20of%20arizona
Consumer Price Index, Cost of Living Index - www.bls.gov/cpi/home.htm
Court for Pima County Home Page - http://www.sc.pima.gov/
Court Directions for Pima County - www.cosc.co.pima.az.us/home
Court forms - www.supreme.state.az/selfserv/forms.htm
Court for status of your case - www.agave.cosc.pima.gov/publicdocs
Credit reports
Experian 1-888-Experian (formerly TRW) http://www.experian.com/
Equifax 1-800-685-1111 http://www.equifax.com/
Trans Union Corporation 1-800-916-8800 http://www.transunion.com/
Home valuations - http://www.homegain.com/ or http://www.zillow.com/
Internal Revenue Service - http://www.irs.gov/
Kelley Blue Book for automobile values - http://www.kbb.com/
Mortgage Journal - Rates & Calculators - http://www.mortgagejournal.com/
Motor Vehicles, Department - www.azdot.gov/mvd
Parenting Education Program Pima County- http://159.233.52/dnn
Parenting Education Program brochure - www.supreme.state.aza.us/dr/pdf/ped.pdf
Revenue Services Department - http://www.revenue.state.az.us/
Social Security Administration - http://www.ssa.gov/

Association for Conflict Resolution

We are members the Arizona Chapter of the Association for Conflict Resolution http://www.mediate.com/acrarizona/ and the national Association for Conflict Resolution. On it website at http://www.acrnet.org/ it says that the Association for Conflict Resolution (ACR) is a professional organization dedicated to enhancing the practice and public understanding of conflict resolution. ACR represents and serves a diverse national and international audience that includes more than 6,000 mediators, arbitrators, facilitators, educators, and others involved in the field of conflict resolution and collaborative decision-making. Anyone interested in the field of conflict resolution is welcome to join a local chapter or the national organization. We strongly believe it is necessary to support these organizations in order to further the practice of mediation. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located at the below the directions. WM 3/6/08

Helping Children

The following is some of the material we include in our Divorce Mediation Notebook. I can’t remember where I found it. Helping children in divorce is one of the reasons I started doing mediation and is my top priority in working with parents. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located at the below the directions. WM 3/5/08

8 STEPS FOR PARENTS AND CHILDREN
FOUR STEPS TO HELP PARENTS COPE
1. Don't put on an act
2. Don't hesitate to discipline your child even when they are hurting
3. Set aside time for yourself
4. Find a way to vent your feelings

FOUR STEPS TO HELP CHILDREN HEAL
1. Listen to what your children say and do not say
2. Validate your children's feelings
3. Reinforce your children's self-esteem and support system
4. Refrain from denigrating your spouse to your children

TEN WAYS TO HELP CHILDREN DURING A DIVORCE

Every aspect of a child’s life can be made easier by the parents at the time of the divorce crisis. Parents should prepare their children for what lies ahead in as much concrete detail as possible. There is no way to prevent children from being distressed by their parents’ divorce; there are, however, important ways to help ease their fears and confusion:
1. Parents should tell their children about the divorce as soon as it has become a firm decision. Think very carefully about how you announce the separation, for what you say or fail to say will be long remembered. Children have the right to understand why the separation is happening; it is often the major crisis in their lives. If possible, both parents should tell all the children at the same time. Children can genuinely help each other at this time and take courage from the support of their siblings. If there are wide differences in the children’s ages, the parents will want to talk later to each child separately on a level that the child can truly understand.
2. The parents should express their sadness about the breakup of the family because it will give the children necessary permission to mourn without having to hide their feelings of loss from the adults or from themselves.
3. The parents should present the decision to divorce as a solution that the parents reached together, after they had tried every other way they could think of to solve their differences. In this way, the adults can convey the sense that they are responsible, loving parents who remain committed to the children even though they have reluctantly decided to go their separate ways.
4. Parents should explain honestly that things will change. Life will be temporarily disorganized. Routines will be disrupted. One parent will be moving out of the home. The house may be sold, and the family may have to move to a new neighborhood. The mother, if not already doing so, may go back to school or take a part-time or full-time job. In short, the parents must make it clear that the divorce will bring many changes that the whole family will have to face and overcome.
5. The parents should tell children of all major developments, as the family reorganizes. Children feel powerless at divorce and should be invited to make suggestions in matters concerning them. Adults should seriously consider these suggestions. They should be assured that they will have a say, for instance in setting up the visiting arrangements. Once the schedule is settled, it should be explained to the children in detail. The children should not, however, be made to feel responsible for making major decisions. The goal is to involve them appropriately so that they can feel that they are participating in working out a solution to the family crisis.
6. The parents should advise the children that the divorce will not weaken the bond between parent and child, even if they live apart. They need to be reassured that, though parents may divorce each other, they do not divorce their children. The children should be told realistically that everybody will have to work hard to maintain these important connections.
7. The parents must stress to the children that the divorce is not in any way the fault of the child. They must be assured that the problem existed strictly between the two adults. The children should never be allowed to assume guilt for causing the breakup.
8. The parents must state clearly that the divorce is an irrevocable decision and that the children should not and cannot waste their time and energy in the fruitless schemes and fantasies of bringing their parents back together.
9. The parents will want to make every effort to keep separate their own hurt, anger, and needs from the needs of their children. Children often have a right to their own feelings and should not be asked to take sides or be forced to wander a no-man’s-land in the divorce war.
10. Above all, both mother and father must give their children permission to love and maintain a relationship with the other parent. This may be the hardest task of all for the adults, but it can be done. With a caring, courageous effort on the part of each parent, the children, even in the midst of their turmoil can feel supported and loved.

CHILD'S BILL OF RIGHTS
I. The right of the child to be treated as an interested and affected person and not as a pawn.
II. The right to grow up in the home environment that will best guarantee an opportunity to achieve mature and responsible citizenship.
III. The right to the day-by-day love, care, discipline, and protection of the custodial parent.
IV. The right to know the noncustodial or each parent having joint custody and to have the benefit of such parent's love and guidance through adequate visitation.
V. The right to a positive and constructive relationship with both parents, with neither parent permitted to degrade the other in the child's mind.
VI. The right to have moral and ethical values inculcated by precept and example, and to have limits set for behavior so that the child may develop self-discipline early in life.
VII. The right to the most adequate level of economic support that can be provided by the efforts of both parents.
VIII. The right to the same opportunities for education that the child would have had if the family unit had not been transformed.
IX. The right to such periodic review of custodial arrangements and child-support orders as the parents' circumstances and the child's benefit require.
X. The right to the recognition of the fact that children involved in a divorce are always disadvantaged parties, and the law must take affirmative steps to assure their welfare.

How to Pick a Mediator

People always want to know how to pick a mediator. These are some thoughts on the subject. Most states do not license or credential or certify mediators. If a mediator says he or she has this status, I would look more into who is making the designation. Unfortunately, I have come across mediators who have meaningless credentials from companies who will sell the designation to anyone. However, the Association for Conflict Resolution (ACR) has an Advance Practitioner membership category. Advance Practitioner membership shows a commitment to mediation which usually indicates the person is a trained mediator. Ask if the mediator is an Advanced Practitioner member of the Association for Conflict Resolution. ACR has a website at http://www.acrnet.org/ which lists Advanced Practitioner members. Picking a mediator is like picking a spouse. If you are getting divorced, you may not have done a great job picking a spouse. You should not make the same mistake when picking a mediator. Look into the mediator’s background and experience. It is always a good idea to get a referral from someone who knows the mediator.

You should consider asking the mediator some of the following other questions: How many cases have you mediated? What is your training? What was the last continuing education program you attended? Why did you become a mediator? What is your mediation format? The best mediators do not have a one-size-fits-all format. What is your mediation style? The best mediators are flexible, and will use different styles at different times and with different people, as appropriate. They may use facilative, evaluative or transformative mediation. What are the fees and are there administrative fees or other "hidden costs?" Different mediators have different ways of billing. Make sure that you know your mediator's billing practices in advance. Do they want a settlement in every case? Good mediators are committed to helping get cases settled whenever reasonably possible, but are not attached to settlement for settlement's sake. Ask the mediator whom they would recommend as a mediator. If you interview a few mediators, it is interesting if they would recommend each other. Remember, if you don’t like your mediator, you can always change to a different mediator. You do not have to leave mediation. Finally, make sure your mediator has malpractice insurance. I am sure there are many other questions and criteria for picking a good mediator. Let us know if you have any suggestions. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located at the below the directions. WM 3/4/08

Mediating Elder-Care Disputes - In the News

Although we mostly do Divorce Mediation, we also do other types of mediation and have successfully done elder care mediation. I enjoyed reading the Wall Street Journal Encore article by Tom Lauriella entitled "Mediating Elder-Care Disputes" which was reprinted in the March 2, 2008 Arizona Dailey Star. The entire article can be found at http://online.wsj.com/article/SB120441279448005723.html The article was especially meaningful to me as I work with my sister to make decisions about our 88 year old mother. It seems that most of my friends are dealing with how to care with elderly parents and many of my friends have difficulty with their siblings deciding what is best. Luricella suggests that mediation is a good way to handle "the complicated and emotionally charged decisions related to elder care." This is practical and useful advice for all of us who face the issues and problems of dealing with elderly parents and our siblings. Lauricella also discusses how to find a mediator. This will also be the subject of one of my next blogs. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located at the below the directions. WM 3/3/08

Military Divorce - In the News

The March 2, 2008 Associated Press story "Military Divorce Rate Holds Steady" is an excellent article. See the entire article at http://www.azstarnet.com/allheadlines/227749.php The article states that the divorce rate in the armed forces has held steady at 3.3 percent. What was even more interesting were the programs the military sponsors to help marriages including a workshop to teach couples to manage conflict, solve problems and communicate better. This is very similar to what we offer when we do Marital Mediation. It would be wonderful if civilian couples took advantage of these type of programs as well.
In the event the marriage can’t be saved and there is a divorce it is important to be aware of the special issues raised by a Military Divorce. We learned more about Military Divorce when we attended the State Bar of Arizona’s Advanced Family Law seminar in November. Tucson Attorney Patricia A. Green presented an excellent session on Military Divorce issues. She advised of a helpful book by Mark E. Sullivan entitled "The Military Divorce Handbook: A Practical Guide to Representing Military Personnel and Their Families." This issues are particularly important with the recent changes in the Servicemembers Civil Relief Act. We are all proud of all of our men and women in the military. They deserve all of our support whether it is of a military or personal nature. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located at the below the directions. WM 3/2/08