CENTER FOR DIVORCE MEDIATION -------------------------------------THE CONFLICT MANAGERS------------

Thursday, March 2, 2017

OUR BLOG HAS MOVE.

PLEASE GO TO:

http://center-divorce-mediation.com/blog/

THANK YOU.

CENTER FOR DIVORCE MEDIATION

Friday, April 15, 2016

Uber, Divorce, and Mediation

We were reluctant to try Uber but on a recent trip to Capetown, South Africa we decided to try it out. We were impressed on it speed, convenience and low cost. It made me wonder if the Uber concept could be applied to Divorce and Mediation. Imagine a couple wants to get divorced. They go to their smart phone and the closest mediator or divorce attorney is sent to them in minutes. He or she brings all the necessary forms, gets them completed, files the documents with the Court, and charges the couple’s credit card! Perhaps farfetched but so was Uber a few years ago.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ CDM (306) 4/15/16

Friday, April 1, 2016

Pivot Circles and Mediation

Often when I am flying I look out the window and see a big green circle. I wonder if it was one of those ancient mysterious sites that only reveal themselves from a birds-eye-view. See picture above. See http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2568355/The-strange-signs-Google-Earth-Enormous-logos-bizarre-figures-seen-captured-firm.html

When driving through farm land I often see large long objects with wheels. See picture above. I never connected the two until recently listening to an NPR show about pivot irrigation. According to Wikipedia Center-pivot irrigation (sometimes called central pivot irrigation), also called waterwheel and circle irrigation, is a method of crop irrigation in which equipment rotates around a pivot and crops are watered with sprinklers. A circular area centered on the pivot is irrigated, often creating a circular pattern in crops when viewed from above (sometimes referred to as crop circles).

The connection to mediation? Sometimes you have to connect the dots. Two unrelated events or things will make sense when put together. This often happens in mediation. This is the reverse of the classic story of the orange. Discussed in “Getting to Yes” by Roger Fisher and William Ury.

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

The Means, the End, Mediation, and Adversary Divorce

We often hear people say the ends justify the means. I have always the thought the means are the end. I thought this was original with me but I should have known better. I Googled both and learned a lot. Wikipedia says, “Consequentialism is a theory holding that the consequences of one's conduct are the ultimate basis for any judgment about the rightness or wrongness of that conduct. Thus, from a consequentialist standpoint, a morally right act (or omission from acting) is one that will produce a good outcome, or consequence. In an extreme form, the idea of consequentialism is commonly encapsulated in the English saying, "the end justifies the means", meaning that if a goal is morally important enough, any method of achieving it is acceptable.

Wikipedia goes on to say, “Consequentialism is usually contrasted with deontology Deontology is the normative ethical position that judges the morality of an action based on the action's adherence to a rule or rules.

The ends justify the means is advocated by Niccolo Machiavelli. Also the Greek playwright Sophocles “The end excuses any evil” and the Roman poet Ovid wrote “The result justifies the deed.”

But what about my “the means are the end?” John Dewey said, “the ends only justify the means only when the means used are such as actually bring about the desired and desirable end.” Scott Stroud in “John Dewey and the Artful Life: Pragmatism, Aesthetics, and Morality,” says “means are the end to be effected.”

This takes us back to mediation and adversary divorce. I believe more often than not in mediations the means are the end while in adversary divorce the means justify the end.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

No Turn on Red and Mediation

Most days I drive past an intersection where there is no turn on a red light. The intersection must have at least six signs with some in bright lights indicating no turn on red. The no turn on red light is often found on busy roads with high traffic volume, where right turn on red could cause an accident. What amazes me is how often I see a car in front of me ignore the signs and make a right turn. I am not sure if driver did not see the sign or just think the law does not apply to him or her. The opposite of this is the scene in the 2001 movie “The Mexican” with Brad Pitt, Julia Roberts and I had forgotten James Gandolfini. Brad Pitt is driving an El Camino Mexico and stops at a red light in the middle of nowhere with absolutely no traffic in sight. The life lesson that applies to mediation is that some people follow the law even if it makes no sense and other people think the law does not apply to them. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ CDM (304) 3/1/16

Monday, February 15, 2016

Two Yellow Cars and Mediation

I was driving north on Oracle the other day and stopped at a traffic light. Much to my surprise there were two yellow cars that were not taxi cabs in front of me. One rarely sees one yellow car but I have never seen two yellow cars that are not taxi cabs at the same time. I have no idea what the odds are or even how to calculate the odds! I always try to relate everything to mediation. What does the sighting of two yellow cars tell us? No matter what the odds, something can occur. In mediation, always suggest something and sometimes you will be surprised by what happens.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ CDM (303) 2/15/16

Monday, February 1, 2016

Portmanteau, Divorce, and Mediation

I was reading the New York Times recently and saw the word, “portmanteau.” I was not familiar with the work and looked it up on my trusty iPhone. First definition was “a large trunk or suitcase, typically made of stiff leather and opening into two equal parts.” The definition did not make sense and I read further. “Consisting of or combining two or more separable aspects or qualities.” That was closer. Next, “a linguistic blend of words or their sounds and their meanings are combined into a new word.” Examples are smog for smoke and fog or spork for spoon and fork. The list is endless. The only legal term which comes to mind is “palimony” from pal and alimony. The term was made famous in the Lee Marvin case. It was coined by celebrity divorce attorney Marvin Mitchelson in 1977 when his client Michelle Triola Marvin filed an unsuccessful suit against the actor Lee Marvin. Michelle Triola sought support from Lee Marvin even though they had not married. She lost. I am not aware of any other divorce or mediation portmanteau words but can create some. Diviation for divorce mediation. Not sure we want this one. Advesorce for adversary divorce. Chort for child support. Collaborce for collaborative divorce. Aldilution for alternative dispute resolution. Don’t think any of these will catch on!

Friday, January 15, 2016

How Does a Mediator Work?

I love my iPhone. I use it for everything including listening to podcasts. One of the podcasts I listen to is Working. Slate interviews Americans with interesting jobs. I was pleasantly surprised when a recent podcast was “How Does a Mediator Work.” It was an interview with Elizabeth Clemants who is not only a New York mediator but a shaman. Interesting combination of roles. I must admit I was a little suspicious but the podcast was very interesting. Did not agree with all Ms. Clemants said but she said many things I could relate to. You can hear the podcast at https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/slates-working/id930665651?mt=2

Friday, January 1, 2016

300th Mediation Blog

This is our 300^th blog. Only 299 because we deleted one. It is hard to believe we have been actively doing blogs since January 1, 2008. As of the writing of this blog we have had 29,819 page views. The most page viewed are Divorce Proverbs and Aphorisms with 1735, Divorce and Marriage Acronyms with 947, Best and Worst States for Getting Divorced with 449, Dementia and Divorce with 375, Humor in Mediation and Divorce with 346, Best Divorce Mediators with 340, Divorce Haiku with 296, New Arizona Child Support Guidelines with 261, Three Little Pigs Go to Mediation with 219, and If Things Fall Apart, Who Gets the Ring? with 211. Top countries represented by page views are United States with 15072, France with 1420, Russia with 1375, Germany with 1227, United Kingdom with 660, Ukraine with 569, Canada with 497, Poland with 368, India with 334, and China with 319. Pattern of most viewed pages seems to be people looking for information specific divorce issues or looking for humor or wisdom. I have no idea why there are so many views from countries other than the United States and in particular former Communist countries. Perhaps there are people in these countries contemplating marrying United States citizens and then getting divorced.

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Flying, Priority Standby, Divorce and Mediation

On a recent trip, we wanted to take an earlier fight because the airline had changed our flight and we were concerned that we might miss our connecting flight. There were three other flights before our original flight. We went to the airline counter and explained our situation to the airline’s representative. She said there was no room on the flights but she could put us on “priority standby.” Whoever heard of “priority standby?” A little Google research indicates there are very complicated rules on how the airlines determine standby priority. For example the following is Delta Airlines standby priorities

1. Confirmed first class passengers for whom there is no available seat in the first class cabin, who is also an Executive Partner or a SkyMiles member with elite status, including Million Miler.
2. Confirmed first class passengers who is not a SkyMiles member with elite status, for whom there is no available seat in the first class cabin.
3. Confirmed business class passengers for whom there is no available seat in the business class cabin, who is also an Executive Partner or a SkyMiles member with elite status, including Million Miler.
4. Confirmed business class passengers who is not a SkyMiles member with elite status, for whom there is no available seat in the business class cabin.
5. Confirmed crew member or mechanic without a seat assignment.6. Confirmed economy class passengers for whom there is no available seat in the economy class cabin, who is also an Executive Partner or a SkyMiles member with elite status, including Million Miler.
7. Confirmed economy class passengers who is not a SkyMiles member with elite status, for whom there is no available seat in the economy class cabin.
10. Confirmed passengers who is willing to give up his or her seat.
11. Diamond Medallion on discount fare confirmed in economy class and desiring upgrade.
12. Platinum Medallion on discount fare confirmed in economy class and desiring upgrade.
13. Gold Medallion on discount fare confirmed in economy class and desiring upgrade.
14. Silver Medallion on discount fare confirmed in economy class and desiring upgrade.
15. Non-elite SkyMiles member on discount fare confirmed in economy class and desiring upgrade – also alliance partner upgrade.
16. Paid standby upgrades.17. Death / emergency.18. Inconvenienced or mishandled by Delta, Medallion status passengers.19. Inconvenienced or mishandled by Delta, all other passengers.20. Inconvenienced or mishandled by another airline who paid Delta the full Y fare.
21. Confirmed passengers desiring a same-day flight change.
22. Airline employees, Buddy Pass travelers, etc.

General rules when all else is equal (> = have priority over) :
– SkyMiles members > non-SkyMiles members
– Medallion members > non-elite members in this order: Delta 360, DM, PM, GM, MM, FO (with the last two perhaps switching order in some instances)
– Full-fare passengers (F,J,Y,B) > discount fare passengers (all other fares, more or less)
– Order of booking class priority:
– – First class: F, P, A, G
– – Business class: J, C, D, I, Z
– – Premium economy: W
– – Economy: Y, B, M, S, H, Q, K, L, U, T, X, V (E is not eligible)
– – Award travel: R, O, N
– IRROPS passengers on connecting legs > IRROPS passengers on first leg of trip
– Older timestamps > newer timestamps (refers to time and date of ticketing, either original or re-issue).
– Booking class E is not eligible for standby
– Rebooked tickets are issued in the same fare class as the original ticket (if you move up to fare class Y on the rebooked ticket, you got lucky)

Not sure which of the categories we fit in or if we were just lucky but we were initially numbers 2 and 3 on the list and eventually numbers 1 and 2. We did not get on the first two flights and were about to give up when we got on the third flight. Three other observations. When they got to the last boarding groups before we received standby, the passengers were told they would have to check their carryon bags at no cost. We did not want to do this because we thought our luggage would get lost. I asked if we could bring our carryon luggage on the plane and they said of course and there was room for our luggage in the overhead bins. Lots of passengers get to the gate minutes before the flight takes off. A little unrelated but people still will spend an inordinate amount of time trying to stuff there oversized luggage in the overhead bin while they are blocking other passengers from getting to their seats and are delaying the flight. So what does all of this have to do with divorce and mediation? Just some life lessons and things you should think about in mediation and divorce. Never hurts to ask. Rules are not always flowed or maybe flexible. Sometimes you are lucky. Do your actions affect others?
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ CDM (299) 12/15/15

Monday, November 30, 2015

Halloween, Divorce, and Mediation

Holiday time is always difficult in divorce cases with children. Parents must somehow share the holiday. I will always remember a case where Halloween was the most important holiday for the Father. He spent hours getting ready and was willing to give up many things in the divorce so he could have Halloween with his child. Some people may think trick or treat is a good divorce or mediation strategy. For others divorcing, it may be a time to let off steam or become someone else. In the long run this may make the divorce process less stressful and easier. For reasons I don’t understand, many people get dressed up as a celebrity couple who are divorcing. I found the greeting card amusing that said, “I think by ex-huband’s girlfriend is so awesome so I dressed my kids like her for Halloween this year.” With a picture of a witch riding a broom.If for no other reason, you can go trick or treating, get lots of candy and have a chocolate fix!

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Pope Francis and Annulments

The New York Times recently reported that Pope Francis Pope has announced measures to simplify marriage annulments. http://nyti.ms/1M7YuWQ The New York Times say, “(t)he new rules take effect on Dec. 8 and are expected to speed up cases in which neither spouse is contesting the annulment. These fast-track cases can be heard as soon as 30 days after a couple files an application, and at most within 45 days. The new procedures also eliminate one of the two church trials that are required of all couples seeking an annulment, a process that can drag on for years, at great cost.” We discussed annulment with Father John Lyons on Divorce TV. See https://youtu.be/zERhzWiyQn4 The procedure seemed very cumbersome and this should be a big improvement.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Yogi Berra, Divorce and Mediation

The Yankees are in first place in the American League East. It reminds me of the Yankees of my youth. I know more players names from those days than now. Mickey Mantle, Whitey Ford, Don Larsen, Phil Rizzuto, and of course Yogi Berra.
He is known more today, however, for his “yogi-isms” – a word that has been commonly used to describe the many humorous quotations for which he is responsible.

Here are some well-known examples:

1.“When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”2.“It ain’t over ’til it’s over.”3.“It’s like deja vu all over again.”4.“A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.”5.“You can observe a lot just by watching.”6.“We made too many wrong mistakes.”7.“I really didn’t say everything I said.”8.“Ninety percent of this game is half mental.”9.“The future ain’t what it used to be.”10.“If you don’t know where you’re going, you will wind up somewhere else.”11.“If the world were perfect, it wouldn’t be.”12.“It’s tough to make predictions, especially about the future.”

Many of these apply to divorce and mediation.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ CDM (296) 9/15/15

Monday, August 31, 2015

Simpsons and Mediation

We were surprised recently to hear that Homer and Marge Simpson are getting legally separated. It’s been announced that in the first episode of the 27th Simpsons series, Homer will fall in love with a pharmacist played by Lena Dunham, and that’ll be the end of their marriage. My first reaction was why legal separation. Our experience has been that often couples are afraid to say they are getting divorced and are more comfortable saying they are getting legally separated. During the mediation, as they become more comfortable acknowledging feelings and needs, they frequently decide that they actually wish to divorce. There are couples for whom legal separation is the preferred alternative such as those for whom their religion precludes divorce and those whose health situation makes staying on their spouse's insurance beneficial and if they are legally separated as opposed to divorced, they will be allowed to stay on the same insurance plan.
A second reaction was, will they mediate their legal separation and who should do the voice of the mediator? We always like James Earl Jones even if he was Darth Vader. Or perhaps Owen Wilson or Vince Vaughn who played wacky mediators in "Wedding Crashers." If they mediate there is a higher likelihood that Homer and Marge may get back together!

Saturday, August 15, 2015

Hamilton and Divorce

Choosing a divorce lawyer can be difficult, but what was Maria Reynolds thinking when she chose her lover, Alexander Hamilton's arch rival, Aaron Burr to advise her? Didn't turn out too well for Alexander Hamilton either who was later killed by Burr in a duel.

Why this talk about people who lived in the late 18th century? Just saw the new Broadway musical "Hamilton" which is absolutely terrific. It's great whether you like hip hop or not!

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/07/13/nyregion/actresses-in-hamilton-take-a-trip-to-a-family-home-for-a-history-lesson.html?_r=0
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ CDM (294) 8/15/15

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Season to Divorce and Mediation

Yesterday as I went to check my email, I noticed that on my Comcast homepage "divorce attorneys" was again trending. I started to wonder whether there is a season to divorce. Do many unhappy people in the same week for some reason decide to explore options to end their marriage? I've noticed the trending before and it also reflects itself in calls to our office for mediation. Despite having seen bunching in calls for the over 20 years I've been mediating, I've never been able to identify a consistent pattern. It used to be that on January 2, calls would come in from people who didn't want to disrupt family holidays by calling in November, but in the past few years, I've noticed more calls in March than January. Another bunching occurs in the summer. Is it because children are off to camp and parents can focus on themselves?

Another question I asked myself when I saw "divorce attorneys" trending was how was this even possible given the huge percentage of people representing themselves in divorce cases. In an article in an American Bar Association journal, the author stated that judges in Arizona in 2005 estimated that over 80% of cases involved one self-represented party. This same trend is occurring all over the country.

Most of the couples I work with in mediation are self-represented so, with the trend toward self-representation, I wonder how soon it will be before "mediation" is trending

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Golden Retriever Mediation

I use to love to have our golden retriever, Molly, sit under the table when I mediated. She instantly detected any increase in the level of anger and but more often than not she had a calming effect on the couple. I was excited to see the YouTube video my daughter just sent me of a golden retriever mediating a ball fight. See it at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SM6Es8yX8ak

Too bad I can't use this effective technique but as my partner said after seeing the video, “we need a second part showing how the golden resolves the impasse.”

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Pythagorean Divorce

The Pythagorean theorem is a relation in Euclidean geometry among the three sides of a right triangle. It states that the square of the hypotenuse (the side opposite the right angle) is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides.

Divorcing couples always say they would like some formula to resolve their divorce but are not always happy when one is applied. Here is one amusing possibility for determining the total worth.

A divorce settlement is often a right triangle where the couples combined worth is the hypotenuse and the separated worth area the other two sides. Unfortunately there is usually a 30% differential between the two sides and the hypotenuse because it costs more to live separately than together. Pythagorean Divorce formula would be the hypotenuse is 30% more than the sum of the other two sides.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ CDM (291) 6/30/15

Monday, June 15, 2015

NON-ADVERSARIAL DISSOLUTION OF MARRIAGE

For years mediators in Connecticut have advocated non-adversarial dissolution of marriage. I was pleased to learn that the Connecticut General Assembly recently passed Senate Bill 1029 which according to the Office of Legislative Research bill analysis:

“creates a new expedited court process that allows a judge to enter a divorce decree without a hearing for certain nonadversarial divorce actions. Among other things, it:

1. allows parties to file a joint petition to begin the process if, among other things, at least one party is a Connecticut resident, the marriage duration is no more than eight years, the parties have no children or real property, and the total combined net fair market value of all property owned by either party is less than $35,000;

2. requires the joint petition be accompanied by certain documents, including financial affidavits and waiver of any right to a trial, alimony, spousal support, or an appeal;

3. allows a settlement agreement to be incorporated in the divorce decree if the court finds it to be fair and equitable;

The bill also allows parties to a divorce or legal separation action that are on the Superior Court's regular family docket to waive existing law's waiting periods for such actions if the parties have an agreement, make certain attestations, and request such waiver.”

It is a good start and in particular I like the idea of joint petition so there does not have to be a plaintiff and defendant. This should extend to all divorces. I have mixed feelings about waiving the 90 days waiting. Often the couple needs some time for the dust to settle. Making the decision joint may avoid problems.

Monday, June 1, 2015

Mediation Dictionary

Surfing the Web I came across the Mediation Dictionary by Nancy Peterson, M. Med. Link at http://www.mediationdictionary.com/pdf/mediationdictionary.pdf It is a wonderful compilation of mediation terms and I highly recommend it.As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ CDM (289) 6/1/15