Mediation the Cairn for Getting Divorced

Recently, I was hiking in Sabino Canyon on the Rattlesnake Trail. I notice many cairns on the trail. A cairn is a mound of stones piled up as a memorial or to mark a boundary or path and this case not a small rough-haired breed of terrier from Scotland. I had do go back to my Boy Scouts Handbook for Boys to remind me of what the different cairns mean. They include: This is not the trail. Turn right. Turn left. Danger Help. See pictures above. It occurred to me that a trail and cairns are a metaphor for getting a divorce. Hopefully, it will not be the Rattlesnake Trail. The couple must follow a trail and if not careful can get lost. Mediation is the cairn of divorce. It helps you on the trail and keeps the couple from getting lost. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (208) 2/26/11

Ketubah Update

Great minds think a like! In the February 11, 2011 New York Times Samuel G. Freedman did an article about ketubahs (actually the plural in Hebrew is ketubot) on entitled “Christians Embrace a Jewish Wedding Tradition.” For the article seehttp://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/12/us/12religion.html.
The article goes on to say that couples are using the ketubah as a way of affirming the Jewish roots of their faith. “Embracing this Jewish tradition just brings a richness that we miss out on sometimes as Christians when we don’t know the history,” said Mrs. Austin. “Jesus was Jewish, and we appreciate his culture, where he came from.” Beyond its specific basis in Judaism, the ketubah represented to the Austins a broader concept of holiness, of consecration. “We wanted a permanent reminder of the covenant we made with God,” Mrs. Austin said. “We see this document superseding the marriage license of a state or a court.”
Non Jewish couples are also using other customs like the huppah or wedding canopy. The article did not say so but I bet couples also have the groom stomp on a glass at the end too with the guests shouting "Mazel Tov!" If the couple gets divorced, will the couples be get a “get” or Jewish divorce too! Only time will tell.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (207) 2/19/11

Mediation and the Jump Ball

I was always tall for my age so was encouraged to play basketball. I was awful. Thought too much and did not play automatically. Played Biddy Basketball for the Laurels AC with our orange and black uniforms. I was also the third string center for West Rocks Junior High School team in Norwalk, Connecticut. I was the only player not to score any points. The only basket I made was nullified for a goal tending violation. My ongoing claim to fame was to have been on the same team and Calvin Murphy. He was only 5’ 8” but went on to play for the Houston Rockets and made the Hall of Fame. Ed Mewing was our coach. I continue to follow basketball. As a graduate of the University of Connecticut, I can’t resist watching our Women’s Basketball team. As a resident of Tucson, I follow the University of Arizona’s Women’s Basketball team.

What does this all have to do with mediation? As I have recently watched the games, I realized that the jump ball or now the opening tip is only used to start a half. When I played basketball and two players both grabbed the ball, there was a jump ball to determine possession.

Now since about 1981, most competitions use the alternating possession rule to settle all jump ball situations after the opening tip. This uses a possession arrow on the scorekeeper's table. Whenever such a jump ball situation occurs, the team whose basket that the possession arrow is currently pointing to gets the ball. The arrow then swaps to point to the other team. At the start of the game, the arrow points to the team that lost the opening tip.
In mediation and in particular divorce mediation, we have to determine possession. Who has possession of the children, the cars, the home, the bank accounts and much more. More often than not and especially in a litigated divorce, the dispute is settled with an approach similar to a jump ball. In mediation we don’t always alternate possession but we often use that or another approach which is less competitive than a jump ball. It not only speeds up the process but seems to work better.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (206) 2/12/11

Happy Marriage

Enjoyed Tara Parker-Pope’s January 2, 2011 article in the NewYork Times entitled “The Happy Marriage is the ‘Me’ Marriage.”

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/02/weekinreview/02parkerpope.html
She says,

“A lasting marriage does not always signal a happy marriage. Plenty of miserable couples have stayed together for children, religion or other practical reasons.
But for many couples, it’s just not enough to stay together. They want a relationship that is meaningful and satisfying. In short, they want a sustainable marriage.
‘The things that make a marriage last have more to do with communication skills, mental health, social support, stress — those are the things that allow it to last or not,” says Arthur Aron, a psychology professor who directs the Interpersonal Relationships Laboratory at the State University of New York at Stony Brook. “But those things don’t necessarily make it meaningful or enjoyable or sustaining to the individual.’
The notion that the best marriages are those that bring satisfaction to the individual may seem counterintuitive. After all, isn’t marriage supposed to be about putting the relationship first? “

This may explain why I see so many couples in mediation who seem to have a happy marriage but are getting divorced.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (205) 2/5/11