Divorce, Mediation, Wisdom, Humor, and the Comics

This is my 200th blog! A good way to end the year. America has a long tradition of humor in disguise that is imparting sound advice and wisdom. From before Will Rodgers to Jon Stewart there have been commentators about American life. I would also include the comics in the newspaper. For some reason, I had stopped reading the comics but have recently started reading them first every day. I am impressed how they depict the universality of our experiences and of course for me the issues of marriage, divorce, and mediation. A recent example which caught my eye was the November 30, 2010 “Sally Forth” comic strip by Francesco Marciuliano. See it above. Ted thinks the broken Christmas ornament is a symbol that their marriage is broken and Sally reassures him that it may only mean the other ornaments in the box are broken. It shows how in a marriage things can be viewed as a crisis or just an accident. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (200) 12/29/10

Divorce Automat

When I was growing up and visited New York City, we often ate at the Horn and Hardart Automat. My favorite dish was their macaroni and cheese. I never have had better. I also remember buying milk and not knowing I was suppose to put a glass under the ornate silver spout. I miss the automat and was thrilled to see a part of it at the Smithsonian. What does this have to do with mediation? Not too much but I wanted to use a picture of the automat. Although, I think many divorcing couples would like to have a Divorce Automat. They would like to put their money in the slot, open the door, and pull out the answers to their issues. Some computer programs can do a little of this but it takes a little more work on the part of the couple. More likely, they will buy a few options, taste them, and decide which one they like the best. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (199) 12/22/10

Study of Outcomes of Mediated vs. Adversary Divorce

Believe it or not, as far as I know, we conducted the first statistically significant study of financial outcomes in divorces. We compared results of both mediated and adversarial cases. An article about the study appeared in The New York Times and complete results were published in Mediation Quarterly. You can see the details of our study at our web site at http://tiny.cc/cdmstudy.
Some of the things the study found were differences in percentage of family income women received, in percentage of liabilities women received, in the likelihood of receiving alimony or in the amount of alimony obtained in mediated versus adversarial divorces. Similar percentages of couples, 62% in both mediated and adversary divorces, selected joint legal/wife physical as the most popular choice of custody arrangement and identical numbers of days per month were spent by children with father, 9.5, and mother 20.5. It also found that mediated divorces took less time than adversarial divorces and were significantly less likely to result in post-judgment modification, thus sparing couples and families added emotional and financial costs.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (198) 12/15/10

Investing in Divorce

Just when you think there is nothing new with divorce, something new comes along. I was fascinated with the article in the December 4, 2010 New York Times by Binyamin Applebaum entitled “ Taking Sides in a Divorce, Chasing Profit.” See entire article at http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/05/business/05divorce.html
Balance Point Divorce Funding, a new Beverly Hills lender offers to cover the cost of breaking up — paying a lawyer, searching for hidden assets, maintaining a lifestyle — in exchange for a share of the winnings. The article say, “Stacey Napp, a lawyer by training who has spent her career in finance, founded Balance Point last year with money from her own divorce. Since then, she has provided more than $2 million to 10 women seeking divorces. She says she is helping to ensure both sides can defend their interests.” Personally, I believe that if the parties looked at the bottom line, they would each get a lot more money if they mediated. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (197) 12/7/10

Divorce and Fairness

In a mediation couples usually feel that the standard of resolving a dispute is usually “fairness.” Unfortunately, like beauty fairness is in the eyes of the beholder. The standard that I prefer as a mediator is “acceptable.” Contemplation of “fairness” has lead me to determine what is the popular view of “fairness.” Wikipedia gives a good overview of “fair division” at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fair_division. It says in part: “Fair division, also known as the cake cutting problem, is the problem of dividing a resource in such a way that all recipients believe that they have received a fair amount. The problem is easier when recipients have different measures of value of the parts of the resource: in the "cake cutting" version, one recipient may like marzipan, another prefers cherries, and so on—then, and only then, the n recipients may get even more than what would be one n-th of the value of the "cake" for each of them. On the other hand, the presence of different measures opens a vast potential for many challenging questions and directions of further research. There are a number of variants of the problem. The definition of 'fair' may simply mean that they get at least their fair proportion, or harder requirements like envy-freeness may also need to be satisfied. The theoretical algorithms mainly deal with goods that can be divided without losing value. The division of indivisible goods, as in for instance a divorce, is a major practical problem. Chore division is a variant where the goods are undesirable. Fair division is often used to refer to just the simplest variant. That version is referred to here as proportional division or simple fair division.” I wonder if the “cake cutting problem” actually begins at the wedding. More about the "cake cutdtting problem" as a tool in medidation in my March 21, 2008 blog on Divorce Proverbs and Aphorisms at
http://centerfordivorcemediation.blogspot.com/2008/03/divorce-proverbs-and-aphorisms.html. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (196) 12/1/10

Divorce and Thanksgiving

With Thanksgiving Dinner this month, I thought about the divorce issues that the holiday highlights. When we mediate parenting issues we usually allocate holidays. Very often the parents alternate holiday years. For example, the Mother may have Thanksgiving with her children in even years and the Father in odd years. But there is still the issue of whether Thanksgiving is a one day or four day holiday. If it is only one day, one parent may celebrate on Friday. There are many other issues including transportation, new significant others, and of course the menu! These issues don’t go away when there are adult children. On occasion parents decide to still celebrate together. The possibility of family dinners after divorce was recently discussed by Laurie David in an article in the new divorce feature in the Huffington Post. See the entire article at http://www.huffingtonpost.com/laurie-david/my-family-dinner-after-di_b_779277.html If this does not work for Thanksgiving there is always Christmas and Chanukah. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (195) 11/24/10

Passing a Baton in Divorce and Mediation

Not sure I can easily explain this but I have always been fascinated how people pass an object or a baton to someone else and usually know when the other person has it and when it can be released without the object or baton falling. I can’t explain how people know they have the object or baton but it seems to be instinctive. There may be a subtle difference in the feel of the object or baton or one of the human senses. I googled and found the following from Brainz in response to the question, “How many human senses?

“We are taught in school that the body has five senses: sight, hearing, touch, taste and smell. However, experts now believe that there are quite a lot more—and the total number depends on the expert you are talking to and the definition they give to the word “sense.”
Some say that there are nine senses. Aside from the basic five, they include thermoception, nociception, equilibrioception, and proprioception. They also include the feeling of hunger and thirst. For them, a sense must be linked to particular sense organ that registers and interprets a stimuli. Hunger and thirst are also sometimes included. They do not include any interpretations made primarily by the brain. That is why they don’t think of intuition as a sense (even though many people call it the “sixth sense.” For them, intuition does not just perceive data from real experience, but makes a quick judgment based on data gathered by several sensory organs.” http://brainz.org/how-many-human-senses-are-there/

I am not sure which human senses are involved in passing an object or if it is something else. But what has this to do with my usual topic of divorce and mediation? My take is that in divorce and mediation that there are things going on which we don’t understand or are not aware of but effect the results. The parties ultimately also want a “clean handoff.” As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM (194) 11/7/10

Divorce and Home Inspections

Occasionally I come across a new and useful divorce tip. An October 27, 2010 blog by Jennifer Saranow Schultz in the New York Times was very good. See it at http://nyti.ms/cdm1031 It suggests a home inspection before a couple gets divorced and before an appraisal. I have found that couples very often know that certain repairs need to be made but there could be repairs that they are not aware of. This could especially be a problem if as usually the case, retains 100% ownership of the house. Divorcing couples don’t like to spend more money but this could save them a lot in the long run. This is probably a good idea with other assets such as cars. I have a colleague, who suggests that each party also gets a physical before divorcing. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(193) 10/31/10

Most Expensive Divorces

I always thought high profile litigated divorces settlements were high but did not know how high. Finally, I thought to Google and found a Wikipedia page on Most Expensive Divorces. It listed the following listed below at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_most_expensive_divorces. They are not adjusted for inflation and I am not sure if they include attorney’s fees. Needless to say when I Googled “Most Expensive Mediations” the closest I got was “Most Expensive Medications.” By the way, Alexion Pharmaceutical's Soliris, at $409,500 a year, is the world's single most expensive drug!
• Rupert Murdoch's divorce from Anna Murdoch; reputedly "the most expensive divorce in history" at $1.7 billion
• Adnan Khashoggi's divorce from Soraya Khashoggi; estimated at $874 million
• Craig McCaw's divorce from Wendy McCaw; estimated to exceed $460 million
• Michael Jordan's divorce from Juanita Jordan; estimated to exceed $150 million and was considered by Forbes Magazine to be "the most expensive celebrity divorce" in history, as of April 2007
• Charles Edgar Fipke $200 million
• Neil Diamond's divorce from Marcia Murphey; estimated at $150 million
• Harrison Ford's divorce from Melissa Mathison; estimated at $118 million
• Greg Norman's divorce from Laura Andrassy; estimated at $103 million
• Tiger Woods' divorce from Elin Nordegren; estimated at $100 million
• Steven Spielberg's divorce from Amy Irving; estimated at $100 million
• Madonna's divorce from Guy Ritchie; estimated at $90 million
• Kevin Costner's divorce from Cindy Silva; estimated at $80 million
• Kenny Rogers divorce from Marianne Rogers; estimated at $60 million
• James Cameron's divorce from Linda Hamilton; estimated to exceed $50 million
• Paul McCartney's divorce from Heather Mills; estimated at $48.6 million
• Michael Douglas' divorce from Diandra Douglas; estimated at $45 million
• Ted Danson's divorce from Casey Coats; estimated at $30 million
• Donald Trump's divorce from Ivana Trump; estimated at $25 million
• Lionel Richie's divorce from Diane Richie; estimated at $20 million
• Mick Jagger's divorce from Jerry Hall; estimated between $15 and $25 million

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(192) 10/8/10

Non-Divorce or Un-Divorce Update

I blogged about this topic on March 8, 2009 in a blog called “Non-Divorce Divorce or Separating without Divorcing.” See blog at http://centerfordivorcemediation.blogspot.com/search?q=non-divorce. Pamela Paul wrote an article in the July 30, 2010 New York Times entitled “The Un-Divorced” See entire article at

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/01/fashion/01Undivorced.html. She makes many of the same points I did. Couples should weigh the pros and cons of this option.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(191) 9/25/10

Divorce Games Part 3

Final part of three part series on Divorce Games. What could be better than a Divorce Party and games. The following is an article by Isabella Gladd from from

http://www.lifescript.com/Body/Food/Entertain/Party/Divorce_Party_Ideas_For_The_Newly_Single.aspx?p=1

It is a wonderful road map.

“Going through a divorce is one of the most difficult events of life, but when it is over, throw a divorce party and begin a new life. No one gets married hoping to see the demise of the marriage, but bad things happen to good people all the time. It is easy to get so caught up in the downside of divorce that finding the silver lining in the cloud seems impossible. Go ahead and be frivolous and silly. Invite your closest friends to join you at your divorce party.

Who Not To Invite To a Divorce Party
First and foremost, do not invite your children no matter how old they are. Children feel loyalty to both parents and should never be put in the middle or feel they must choose. Divorce parties are no place for children. While you are at it, do not invite your parents either. Who knows what might happen at a crazy party where emotions run high?

Unless you have a close friend from work that you trust, do not invite colleagues. The last thing you need is a co-worker to go back to work on Monday morning and share the antics of your party with the rest of the office.

So who should you invite? Only invite your nearest and dearest friends who have seen you through this difficult time in life. These are the people who offered a shoulder to cry on, who held you up when you thought you would fall, and who made you laugh when tears threatened to blind you.

Divorce Party Ideas
A divorce party is a wake for a dead marriage. People celebrate rites of passage, milestones in life, beginnings and ends. Why should a divorce be any different?
A divorce is a life-altering change and should be recognized as such. Similar to the death of a loved one, you want to cry and you have that right. Perhaps your marriage and divorce was a comedy of errors and laughing sets the healing process in motion, laugh all you want. A bitter divorce battle that lagged on is finally over and you feel anger: let it out in healthy ways. A divorce party allows you to feel the emotions and move on.

If you enjoy wine and cocktails, more than likely alcohol will be involved. Be prepared ahead of time to have friends stay the night.

Make the party whatever you want it to be. It can be an elegant gathering with a gourmet dinner, wine and music. It can also be a casual affair with balloons, cake and cocktails. More than likely you will want to include your favorite comfort foods and for one day enjoy the freedom of eating whatever you like.

You can purchase divorce party invitations or make them yourself. Write up a divorce announcement similar to a wedding invitation that reads: Ms. Jane Doe cordially invites you to attend the celebration of the first day of her new-found freedom. Give all the juicy details of date, time and RSVP if necessary.
Divorce Party Cake
One of the most important parts of the dinner or party is the cake. Just as you had cake for your wedding, serve cake at your divorce party. Order a cake from a decorator and make it wild and funny. A cake in the shape of specific parts of the male anatomy may bring some form of pleasure by eating it or tossing it out. It may sound like a raucous thing to do, but if it helps heal the hurt, go for it.

For the more genteel divorcee, a three-layer cake similar to a wedding cake with graffiti written on the virginal white allows for personality. Hand the cake decorator a list of words that you would like written on the cake in bold, bright letters like: It’s over! Buh-bye! Kiss this… or your anniversary date in a circle with a line through it (think Ghost Busters).

The other way to approach the cake and the party is to view it as a new beginning filled with hope for future happiness. Be inventive and fun when coming up with ideas for a cake.

Divorce Party Games
The games you play at a divorce might not be exactly games, but think of them as harmless fun. Play pin the nose on the ex, as long as it doesn’t bother you having a picture of him blown up and an odd nose made to stick on his face.
Part of the games could be tearing your marriage license into tiny pieces and setting them on fire. Read the divorce proclamation with a voice of authority.

Rent some fun movies about divorce and have them running in the background while the party proceeds. The War of the Roses, Waiting to Exhale and First Wives Club come to mind as funny movies about divorce that should get a few hoots and hollers.

Make a list of all the things your ex did that agitated or angered you. Have guests write down things that agitated them as well. Everybody places their aggravations in a jar. The jar is then buried in an out-of-the-way place in the backyard. In essence, you are burying the past and opening yourself up to the future.

Divorce Party Favors
Let all your guests share in your independence by giving them a small token of the day. A bag of tea, bubble bath or nail polish can be purchased with the date of your divorce on the label. Create CDs of your favorite break-up tunes and share them with all your friends at the party. You can find just about anything you want online and at party stores when it comes to party favors.

Wrap the gifts in wild paper and tie with a clashing color of ribbon. Set the gifts next to the door and give each guest a divorce-party favor as she leaves.
Divorce Party Don’ts
Depending on the alcohol intake, a divorce party might instill the idea that anything goes. Keep things from getting out of hand and never allow yourself or guests to indulge in any of the following “dirty deal” divorce games:

* Forget about having a male stripper come to entertain. This is about a new-found freedom and becoming an independent woman without sexual overtones.

*Resist the urge to make anonymous phone calls to the ex to berate or humiliate him.

*Keep the video recorders and tape recorders out of the party. No one outside your close circle of friends need know how you celebrated your divorce.

*Refrain from burning love letters from you ex and especially wedding pictures. Instead, pack them away and save them for your children who may appreciate them one day.

*Do not write a scathing letter to you ex no matter how bitter and brutal the divorce battle was.

*Do no burn or mutilate the divorce decree. You never know when you might need it.

The idea of a divorce party is to help heal an open wound. No one is making fun of the commitment of marriage and love.
By openly sharing the pain of negotiations, lawyers and legal battles, divorcees can laugh, breathe a sigh of relief, and even cry with a network of supportive friends. Once the decree is final, there is no going back. Independence looms on the horizon, creating fear and anticipation of starting a new life as a single woman.

Make a divorce party a rite of passage; one that moves you into the future.”

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(190) 9/18/10

Divorce Games Part 2

Usually I try to summarize articles and then give the web link. Not easy to do with this article which discusses the games parties play in divorce litigation. I am showing the entire article from Lifescripts by Laura Johnson entitled “Divorce Schemes and Power Games. http://www.smartdivorce.com/articles/dirty.shtml
“Divorce can be a dirty business when in the hands of lawyers who play power games to gain an unfair advantage over the other side. The same applies for angry, vindictive soon-to-be ex-spouses who have a "win at all costs" attitude. If this happens in your divorce, there are few things that you can do to control the other side, but there are several things you can do to prepare and manage the divorce.
The first thing to do is recognize a scheme and power play when you see it. The second thing is to not lose your cool and try to fight fire with fire. It will only cause things to escalate and your entire family will suffer. The final step is to think ahead and plan positive steps to counter your spouse's power game. Get outside help if necessary.
The following list has descriptions and examples of some of those nasty tricks lawyers and their clients will sometimes pull. If your lawyer recommends that you do this, he or she is setting you up to take unfair advantage of your soon-to-be ex-spouse. If you do these things, don't be surprised if your actions come back to haunt you after the divorce!
• Take the money out of jointly held bank accounts, put it all into an account in your name alone and don't tell your spouse about it beforehand. Then let your spouse handle the problems associated with covering the bounced checks. This causes the most confusion and distress if your spouse usually writes the checks to pay the household bills.
• Use credit cards to purchase and stock up on personal items or make large purchases. Make sure to use the cards for which your spouse is the primary cardholder. This is especially effective at the beginning or near the end of a divorce. One lawyer actually told her client to go out the day before the settlement hearing and use her husband's credit cards to purchase all the items she needed to set up her new household. Her husband would then be stuck with the bills because he had agreed to be responsible for the debt on his credit card as of the day of the divorce, which he didn't know contained the charges made by his wife.
• If you have moved out of the family home and are the primary source of income for the family, refuse to pay any household bills or send any support until you are forced to do it by the court. This is one of the steps in a routine called "Starve Out The Other Spouse". The goal is to get the other spouse in a financial position where he or she, out of desperation, will accept an unfair settlement.
• If your spouse doesn't have an income withholding order, wait until the latest possible day to pay support money, even if you've got the money to send. In some states support doesn't become delinquent until it's 30 days past due and your spouse can't do anything to you until the 31st day. Never mind that your spouse just might need the money to pay bills or buy things for the children.
• Petition the court for primary custody of your children when you will actually agree to a joint custody or visitation arrangement. The real purpose for the request is to strike fear into the heart of your spouse and use it as a club to get your spouse to give up on something else, usually a financial issue.
• Refuse to speak with your spouse about anything, including arrangements for him or her to have parenting time with your children. This falls into the category of a tactic used by some lawyers to create conflict, create issues that don't need to exist, increase legal fees and wear the other side down. It can also cause a serious break in parent-child ties if the noncustodial parent doesn't get to see the children because he or she can't set up any parenting time.
• File a bogus petition to have your spouse excluded from the family home under your state's protection from abuse laws.
These are just a few of the sneaky things that can and have happened in divorces. They are sometimes successful, but are very destructive to any meaningful and fair settlement discussions. In addition, the residual hard-feelings and bitterness they can leave after the divorce could hamper you and your ex-spouse's ability to effectively co-parent your children. What's more, they often lead to post-divorce legal proceedings costing additional and unnecessary legal fees which most recently divorced people can ill afford.
Getting a divorce is really just a risk/reward type of thing for some people. Is the risk and potential loss if you get caught by your dirty tricks worth any potential benefit, financial or otherwise, that you might get if you win the game? Think about it? Are you really the winner -- or are the lawyers the real winners?”
Any of this sound familiar?
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(189) 9/11/10

Divorce Haiku

“Haiku is a poetic form and a type of poetry from the Japanese culture. Haiku combines form, content, and language in a meaningful, yet compact form. Haiku poets, which you will soon be, write about everyday things. Many themes include nature, feelings, or experiences. Usually they use simple words and grammar. The most common form for Haiku is three short lines. The first line usually contains five (5) syllables, the second line seven (7) syllables, and the third line contains five (5) syllables. Haiku doesn't rhyme. A Haiku must "paint" a mental image in the reader's mind. This is the challenge of Haiku - to put the poem's meaning and imagery in the reader's mind in ONLY 17 syllables over just three (3) lines of poetry!” http://volweb.utk.edu/school/bedford/harrisms/haiku.htm
Following are some examples of some divorce haikus

Without a Parachute

"You pushed me from the
Plane. I long to hit the ground,
So the fear will end.” http://mostlyhaiku.blogspot.com/2008/02/separate-ways-divorce-in-haiku.html

Divorce Haiku
Poetry by Stephen R. Clark, http://www.stephenrclark.com/webpages/hash/p-haiku-divorce.html

Divorce I
You are wrong of course
to leave and then disappear
from even my dreams.

Divorce II
You banish yourself
from accountability
and my love. Goodbye.

Divorce III
You thought that he would
give you something more than what
I could give you. Well?

Divorce IV
You lied about what
we had and instead you ran
to what was not yours.

I am no poet. Tried my hand a haiku in 9th grade and did not do so well. Anyone have any they want to share?
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(188) 9/4/10

Divorce Games Part One

There are many aspects to Divorce games. So are just board games to play other are the games people play during divorce and some are party games. First, I found Divorce Board game. The web sites http://www.boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/12413/divorce say, “The object of the game is to begin play at the start position as a married person, traveling around the board in an effort to be the remaining player still married. Beginning at "Start", the players move their token along the Honeymoon Trail and around the board according to the throw of the dice. When a player lands on a space, he follows the instructions printed on that space. "Draw Fate Card" spaces give the person playing a draw from the top of the deck. On each Fate card are instructions to be followed leaving the player to receive whatever Fate has to offer. In traveling around the board, there are four Divorce Steps. They must be landed on in order of their number before they are valid. As a player lands upon each Divorce Step in order, he receives a plastic chip to signify that he now has that Divorce step. Once a player receives all four Divorce steps, he loses the game. Play will continue until only one player remains who does not have all four Divorce steps. Once a player has all four Divorce steps, he is considered divorced and can no longer play.”
Another Divorce Board game states in its web site, http://www.boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/23929/divorce-cope “A unique and fun game to help parent and children cope with divorce. Divorce cope takes you through the ups and downs of divorce. As you go around the Divorce Cope board, you'll deal with real life situations which families of divorce experience. These include child support, custody battles, school problems and step-families. Players deposit anger, depression and loneliness cards and pick up happy times, independence and optimism cards, competing for growth points along the way. 250 specially designed questions will help you and your children understand each other's feelings while having fun. Divorce Cope will open a whole new world of communication between you!”
Let the games begin!
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(187) 8/28/10

Language of Marriage

Joan Wickersham wrote a wonderful op ed in the June 25, 2010 Boston Globe about the language of marriage. See entire article at http://tiny.cc/cdm82410 She notes “that most longtime couples have their own lexicon — phrases that have come out of some shared experience and entered the private language of the marriage.” She goes on to say, “There’s a clichéd idea that what makes people stay in love is things like candlelight and flowers and sexy glances across crowded rooms. All that is lovely, and it helps. But so does our nerdy private language.” I have found this to be the case in my marriage and I am sure many of you reading this blog have found the same thing in your marriage. Ironically, when mediating a divorce case, this private language also comes up. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(186) 8/21/10

Divorce is Contagious

Divorce cases seems to cluster but I have never been able to figure it out why. I wondered if it was the weather or when children are in school or something else. I was therefore intrigued to see articles recently about a study by Dr. Rose McDermott of Brown University of 12,000 Americans living in the town of Framingham, Massachusetts. The study found that divorce is contagious and can spread like a virus. The bad feelings and heated emotions that surround a marital split spreads like a disease, infecting couples with up to two degrees of separation from the rift, psychologists and sociologists report. The researchers have called it ‘divorce clustering’ and found that a split up between immediate friends increases a person’s own chances of getting divorced by 75 per cent. I assume this applies as well to high profile divorces reported in the media. This might explain why I see clusters of divorce cases. All of a sudden some celebrity is reported to get a divorce and couples start thinking maybe they should get divorced too. This may also affect how people get divorced. Adversary divorces get lots of publicity and divorce mediation gets very little if any publicity. Adversary divorce maybe contagious but mediated divorces are less so.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(185) 8/14/10

Divorcing the Wedding Gown

I loved the recent article in Arizona Daily Star by Phil Villarreal about what a former husband does with his former Wife’s wedding gown. See entire article and picture at http://tiny.cc/cdm7710 I have previously blogged about former spouse’s wedding rings and jewelry but this was a new angle. What is even more interesting is the former husband has created a blog and may get a book deal. I wonder if the former Wife will want part of the money he makes? Also, why did she not take her wedding gown? The former Husband’s final line is perfect. “ I don’t see it as a symbol of my failed marriage, he said, “I see it as a symbol of recovery.” He has treated his former Wife and children very well during the project. Too bad more people don’t feel this way. I wonder if he mediated his divorce.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(184) 8/7/10

Group Mediation

I have always wanted to experiment with group mediation but never have had an opportunity. There are two forms of group mediation.

An article on the internet at http://www.edr.state.va.us/docsnforms/med/Med-C.doc says, “Traditional group mediation is a voluntary process in which trained mediators assist members of a work group in an open and confidential forum to: (1) identify and discuss the issues that are affecting the group; (2) explore alternatives that may resolve the issues; and (3) reach agreement on the alternatives that would best resolve the issues. The mediators meet with the work group, explain the process and answer questions, interview each group member privately to obtain his or her perspective of the situation, identify and list issues from the information shared during the interviews and present the list to the group for approval; the group may add or delete issues, ask the group to prioritize the issues and decide the order of discussion by the group, facilitate the discussion of the issues, establish with the group a schedule of two or three meetings, 3-4 hours each, to discuss the issues, help the parties define the issues involved
• encourage and assist the parties to have open and honest communication
• do not make judgments on who is right or wrong
• do not make decisions or impose solutions

The parties:
• are voluntary participants who want to discuss and resolve the issues
• must be willing to talk openly and honestly about their concerns and issues
• must be willing to generate alternatives to resolve the issues”

I would like to experiment with a different type of group divorce mediation. It would be more like group therapy. I would meet with a few divorcing couples and try to mediate all the divorces at once. It would save the couples money. I am not sure if it would make problem solving easier or harder. Probably both. So far it has the logistics or getting couples and have them meet has prevented me from trying. Perhaps, one day it will all come together.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(183) 7/31/10

Mediation Styles

People often just think mediation but there actually are different types of mediation styles. The three basic types of mediation are facilitative, tranformative, and evaluative. In jest a colleague recently suggested a fourth type – accusatory! I will discuss a potential fourth type, group mediation, in a future blog. All types of mediation require the mediator to be neutral, the process to be confidential, and self determination for the parties. The role of the mediator is different in each type.

Facilitative mediation is based on the belief that, with neutral assistance, people can work through and resolve their own conflicts. In a facilitative mediation, the mediator will take an active role in controlling the "process." Process means things like setting the ground rules for how the problem will be solved. The mediator asks questions to identify the interests of the parties and the real issues in the disagreement. The mediator helps the parties explore solutions that benefit both parties (sometimes called "win/win" solutions). In a facilitative mediation, the mediator does not offer an opinion on the strengths and weaknesses of the parties' cases. The mediator does not suggest solutions.

Evaluative mediation is based on the belief that mediators with expertise in the issues in conflict can help the parties to assess the strengths and weaknesses of their legal or other positions and to work to achieve settlements. In evaluative mediation, the mediator controls the process and suggests solutions for resolving the conflict. The focus of an evaluative mediation is primarily upon settlement. The mediators will make their best efforts to get the parties to compromise, if necessary, to achieve a result. This is the type of mediation most attorneys and former judges use. It is like a court required status conference or a meeting with a special master. I believe this is what Ken Feinberg does. It often becomes what is called power or muscle mediation and a settlement is imposed.

Transformative mediation is based on the belief that conflict tends to make parties feel weak and self-absorbed. Transformatative mediators try to change the nature of the parties' conflict interaction by helping them appreciate each others viewpoints and strengthening their ability to handle conflict in a productive manner. The mediator will intervene in the conversation between the parties in order to call attention to moments of recognition and empowerment. Ground rules for the mediation are set only if the parties set them. The mediator does not direct the parties to topics or issues. Instead, the mediator follows the parties’ conversation and assist them to talk about what they think is important. The transformative mediator does not offer an opinion on the strengths or weaknesses of the parties’ cases. The mediator does not suggest solutions.”
Some mediators prefer to use one approach exclusively in their mediation sessions. Many mediators can, and do, use many approaches. I often start with facilitative but slip into evaluative when I hit an impasse. I probably am always doing a little transformative mediation. Clients don’t usually do it but it is a good idea to ask your mediator which style he or she uses.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(182) 7/24/10

New Arizona Child Support Guidelines

There was a very good article about Arizona’s new Child Support Guidelines in the June 10, 2010 issue of the DesertLeaf by Annie Rolfe. See entire article at http://npaper-wehaa.com/desert-leaf#2010/05/27/?article=888661. She says, that “The Arizona Child Support Guidelines were up for review in 2009. At the outset of the review, the Guidelines Review Committee (GRC) recognized that the existing model, known as the Income Shares model, failed to adequately address situations in which one parent earned significantly more than the other. As such, the GRC sought to revamp the system. The GRC’s proposal is called the Child-Outcome Based Support model, or COBS. Under the new proposal, child support for parents with equal or near equal incomes will not dramatically change and, in lower-income cases, may be slightly reduced. The COBS model is designed to have the greatest effect in cases of unequal incomes. For example, when the custodial parent earns $2,000 per month, the non-custodial parent earns $4,000 per month, and there is one child, the non-custodial parent’s child support may increase by $161 per month.” There are not automatic modifications so divorced couples may want to review their child support orders. This can easily be done with mediation.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(181) 7/17/10

Dementia and Divorce

I have recently thought about divorce and dementia. Liz Pulliam Weston has written an interesting article for MSN discussing it. See the entire article at
http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/CollegeAndFamily/CaringForParents/ShouldGrandmaDivorceGrandpa.aspx. She says, “The population of divorced people over 65 has exploded in the past 15 years, and elder-law attorneys suspect money is at least partly to blame. The idea that money might be a factor in divorce isn't news. But instead of fighting over their money, these attorneys say, older people who divorce might be trying to preserve it. Christine Crawford of Aurora, Ohio, started divorce proceedings after her husband's care for dementia consumed more than $100,000 of their savings. Crawford said she didn't want to divorce her husband, with whom she'd raised three children, but it was the only way to preserve what was left of their life savings.” The couple divorces and puts all their assets in the well person’s name and the sick spouse can then qualify for Medicaid benefits.
I have not seen any divorces caused by dementia. An internet search shows some but most are second marriages or shorter marriages. Couples who are married longer seem to be more willing to care for a sick spouse. This is encouraging.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(180) 7/10/10

Wedding Crashers and Mediation

Not sure why I have not blogged on this before. I have mentioned the movie Wedding Crasher in a blogs about Obama and McCain and in the list of divorce movies but I have never discussed separately. You can see the clip of the initial mediation scene in the movie on YouTube at http://youtu.be/C85tJflYb4s The scene is one of the few of a mediation session in a movie and is very funny but not too accurate. I used the clip once in a presentation before the Connecticut Council for Divorce Mediation on humor in divorce and mediation. I did not realize that there were two versions of the movie. One with a little more colorful language. I used the one with more colorful language and some people were caught a off guard. Mediation needs to be popularized more in the media for people to become more aware of it as an alternative. I am not sure if this clip helped but it certainly made the term divorce mediation more known. I don't usually do mediation with the attorneys present and I was not surprised when the attorney said the mediation was a bad idea. The parties were fighting a lot. I usually let parties vent but not go on that long. I liked the intervention the Owen Wilson used to stop the fighting. I love it when the Husband says to the mediators could you not just talk any more. I wonder if any of my clients have ever felt that way.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(179) 7/3/10

LA Law and Divorce

LA Law is one of my favorite legal shows. (Right after Perry Mason) My favorite episode was season 7, episode 18 which was aired on April 22, 1993, entitled "Come Rain or Come Schein." In the show, Becker represents Mitchell Schein, a greedy man who holds out for material concessions before agreeing to grant his wife a divorce following Jewish law (A get. See my March 10, 2008 blog, Religious Divorce and Annulment). As you may know, according to Jewish law only the husband can agree to a divorce. Women want this for many reasons, including the ability to have another Jewish marriage. In the episode, it has been a very rainy period in Los Angeles and there have been numerous mad slides. The show concludes with a split screen where you see the Husband agreeing to the Jewish divorce as the marital home his wife just agreed to give him in order for him to agree to the Jewish divorce is sliding down the hill as a result of the rain. I often relate this story to clients to remind them, not to be too greedy.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(178) 6/26/10

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End of NY Fault Divorce Near?

I have been following with interest the attempt to eliminate fault divorce in New York and stop the subterfuge in obtaining a divorce. As I discussed in my May 20, 2010 blog Divorce Japan Style, I worked for legal services one summer and watched what fault divorce was like in Connecticut prior to no fault. There have been a few articles about what is happening in New York in the New York Times. See article and editorials at

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/19/opinion/19sat4.html, http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/17/nyregion/17divorce.html, and

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/17/opinion/17coontz.html. No fault divorce always made sense to me but it is only the first step. I am glad to see New York is also considering alimony guide lines and more use of mediation. We now need to work for true no fault divorce where attorneys do not charge exorbitant fees and play to their client’s anger, children are not hurt, and couples can get on with their lives.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(177) 6/19/10

Divorce Japan Style - the Splitter-Uppers

I have always been a firm believer in no fault divorce. I always remember when I was a law student and had a summer job working for legal services. I was in court helping an attorney with a divorce. Connecticut then did not have any fault divorce and you had to show physical manifestation of intolerable cruelty. It was not unusual for a person to say they could not sleep or were putting on weight or were losing weight. A woman why must have weighed 400 pounds gets on the stand and testifies how she is losing weight because of her husband’s intolerable cruelty. The judge listens to what she says and then leans close to her and says, “You should stay married a little longer.” Fault divorce causes all sorts of mischief. A May 10, 2010 article in TimesOnline by Richard Lloyd Parry, entitled, “Sex, lies and splitting up Want to dump a troublesome husband, or unsuitable boyfriend? Just call Osamu Tomiya and his team of splitter-uppers, but you’ll have to move to Japan,” reminded me of the problems with fault divorce. See the entire article at

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships/article7119999.ece
The article says, “The whole thing was masterminded by Mr “Ota” — real name Osamu Tomiya — a member of a peculiarly Japanese profession, part-private investigator, part-prostitute, known as wakaresase-ya — the “splitter-uppers”.
The function of the wakaresase-ya is the direct opposite of a dating agency: with great ingenuity, and the right fee, they will pry apart human relationships. Do you have a troublesome ex-boyfriend who won’t leave you alone? A beloved son who is getting engaged to an unsuitable girl? A dead-loss employee who refuses to take the hint and retire? All of these difficult situations can be resolved by the splitter-uppers.
Also see follow up article in http://www.divorcesaloon.com/japan-professional-marriage-splitter-upper-takeshi-kuwabara-gets-17-years-for-strangling-lover-rie-isohata in Divorce Saloon which says, “Japan, apparently, is a “fault” jurisdiction which means in order to get out of a marriage, folks have to prove grounds. The reason I surmise this to be so is that there seems to be a custom in Japan where married folks hire wakaresaseyas (in English, “marriage splitter uppers”) to seduce their unsuspecting spouses so that these folks can have grounds for the divorce.”
This is all compounded by each state having its own divorce laws and standards which causes some forum shopping.
This is another reason I like mediation. These kinds of problems rarely come up in a mediated divorce.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(176) 5/20/10

I thought it would be fun to use the Word translation program and do this blog in Japanese too.

私は常に固く障害離婚されていません。 私は常に私の法律の学生だったし、法的サービスの使用は夏の仕事をしていた覚えています。 私は裁判所の弁護士は離婚を支援していた。 コネチカット [任意フォールト離婚はありませんでしたと耐えられない虐待の物理的な症状を表示する必要があります。 寝ることがない、または重量をかけていたまたは重量を失っていたと言う人は珍しいことではなかった。 なぜ 400 ポンドを検討している必要がありますにスタンドを取得し、どのように彼女は夫の耐えられない虐待のため重量を失いつつある証言している女性。 裁判官彼女の言い分をリッスンして [彼女の近くに傾いていると言う"をもう少し結婚して滞在する必要があります。 フォールト離婚は、あらゆる種類のいたずらが発生します。 2010 年 5 月 10 日の記事で TimesOnline でリチャード ・ ロイドと題して、パリー、「性別、嘘と、面倒な夫、または不適切なボーイ フレンドをダンプするかを分割するか？ ちょうど修富谷と彼のチームの分割-甲、呼び出しが日本には、移動する必要があります」障害離婚の問題私を思い出した。 資料によると、http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships/article7119999.ece ですべての記事を参照してください"全体物氏「太田」で masterminded いた — 本物修富谷を名前 —、peculiarly 日本職業一部と民間調査官、一部-売春婦、のメンバー wakaresase として知られている-屋 —、「分割-甲」. wakaresase の機能-屋は出会い系の会社の正反対です: 偉大な工夫と右の手数料を彼ら以外の人間関係が外してされます。 面倒な元 - 人は、そのままはありません彼氏ですか？ 人、不適切な女の子に行ってきです、最愛の息子ですか？ ヒントを取るし、引退することを拒否、死者損失従業員ですか？ これらすべての困難な状況は、スプリッター甲で解決できます。 参考資料に離婚は、「日本はどうやらアウト結婚を取得するには、「障害」の管轄権は、人々 がある根拠を証明する。 サロンで http://www.divorcesaloon.com/japan-professional-marriage-splitter-upper-takeshi-kuwabara-gets-17-years-for-strangling-lover-rie-isohata を実行します 私はこの推測のでこと、カスタムどこ結婚されていた人々 の wakaresaseyas (英語、「結婚スプリッター甲は") でこれらの人々 離婚根拠があるできるように彼ら疑いを持たない配偶者を誘惑する雇う日本であるようです。」 これすべてフォーラム買い物が独自の離婚の法律と基準を持つ各状態が悪化します。 これは調停が好きの理由です。 このような問題はほとんど仲介離婚に来る。 いつものように、右にある [緑] 列またはこのウェブサイトの下部の指示に従うによってこのブログや離婚調停、またはちょうど仲介に関する任意のコメントを投稿できます。 http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/WM(176) で調停について 5/20/10

DNA of Divorce

There is often a convergence of discoveries that change the world. For thousands of years man wanted to fly and yet in the space of a few years, a few people built planes that flew. The same thing is true with the atomic bomb, the telegraph, the telephone, and many other inventions and discoveries. There usually is some underlying discovery which is the catalyst or there is a synergy when someone puts together to independent ideas. This is the concept of multiple discovery which states that most scientific discoveries and inventions are made independently and more or less simultaneously by multiple scientists and inventors. See also article in May 13, 2010 New Yorker entitled In the Air Who Says Big Ideas are Rare? by Malcolm Gladwell at http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/05/12/080512fa_fact_gladwell.
I thought about this when I read the article in the May 11, 2010 New York Times by Tara Parker-Pope entitled "The Science of a Happy Marriage" and watched on NBC Night News and read in the paper about obtaining your own personal genetic history. NBC indicated that Walgreens was planning to sell the Pathway Genomic home test kit under the brand Insight. (Walgreens put a hold on the next day until they could get clearance from the FDA). According to Pam Stephan, "The Pathway Genomics Insight kit, marketed to "Discover Your DNA." is simple to use - just swab the inside of your cheek, slip the sample in a vial, and mail it away. Pathway Genomics will check your genetic risk for more than 26 diseases and conditions, and send you a report online." Tar Parker-Pope says that "recent studies have raised questions about whether genetic factors may influence commitment and marital stability. See full article at
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/05/10/tracking-the-science-of-commitment.
If you combine these two ideas, something startling happens. With a swab of a Q-tip, you soon will be able to determine if a potential spouse has the genetic factor which will influence marital stability. Do people want to know if they are at risk to get a disease? Will they want to know the risk of marital stability? Is this our Brave New World? Only time will tell.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(175) 5/13/10

5 Financial and Income Tax Pitfall to Avoid in Matrimonial Dissolution

My friend Arnold is a CPA. We often discuss the tax aspects of divorce. Recently over dinner in Tucson, he recently gave me an article by John F. Raspante, CPA and Arthur Garcia, Esq. from a publication of the New York Society of Certified Public Accountants dated of all dates April 15, 2010 entitled "5 Financial and Income Tax Pitfall to Avoid in Matrimonial Dissolution." I knew the items but they are worth repeating.

Pitfall 1: Sale of Principal Residence – Capital Gains
Pitfall 2: Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO) – Alternate Payee (Pension)
Pitfall 3: Insuring the Property Settlement – The Revenge of Death (Life Insurance)
Pitfall 4: Unsecured Debt – The Irresponsible Former Spouse
Pitfall 5: Closely Held Business – The Investigation and Valuation

When you get a divorce you should make sure these and many more pitfalls are discussed with your mediator, attorney, and accountant.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(174) 5/4/10

Divorce According to Harold, the Mover

Some boxes, pictures, and my carrom board recently were delivered to my home by Harold. As usual I chatted with Harold as he moved the boxes off the truck and I checked them off. The topic got around to divorce. Harold told me that divorce changes nothing. He said if you drank before you would drink after. If you cheated on your spouse you would continue to cheat on your new significant other. He said there was very likely that if you remarried it would be someone like your previous spouse. As a person who has counseled couples for 30 years that they could have a new beginning this was quite a revelation. I certainly have seen many individuals get a fresh start but I think Harold observation is very important. If individuals want a different life, they have to work at it and be careful they don’t repeat the behavior which caused them to get divorced.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(173) 4/27/10

Delaying Divorce in Arizona Part 3

We continue to monitor the bill in the Arizona legislature to extend the waiting period for divorce.
The bill as amended was signed by the Governor on April 7, 2010. You can see the law as amended below. It would appear that the final version kept the 60 day waiting period but allowed a party to request an extension. This shifts the burden to the party who wants more time and not less.
"Sec. 2. Section 25-381.18, Arizona Revised Statutes, is amended to read:
START_STATUTE25-381.18. Dissolution of marriage; legal separation; annulment; stay of right to file; jurisdiction for pending actions
A. During a period beginning on the filing of a petition for conciliation and continuing until sixty days after the filing of the petition for conciliation, neither spouse shall file any action for annulment, dissolution of marriage or legal separation, and, on the filing of a petition for conciliation, proceedings then pending in the superior court are stayed and the case shall be transferred to the conciliation court for hearing and further disposition as provided in this article. All restraining, support, maintenance or custody orders issued by the superior court remain in full force and effect until vacated or modified by the conciliation court or until they expire by their own terms.
b. if either party wants to extend the stay under subsection a, that party shall file a petition with the court stating the basis for the extension, which may include a plan for reconciliation or a counseling schedule. the court shall grant an extension of up to one hundred twenty days unless the other party establishes good cause for proceeding without delay.
B. c. If, however, after the expiration of the period prescribed in subsection A and any extension granted under subsection b, the controversy between the spouses has not been terminated, either spouse may institute proceedings for annulment of marriage, dissolution of marriage or legal separation by filing in the clerk's office additional pleadings complying with the requirements relating to annulment of marriage, dissolution of marriage or legal separation, respectively, or either spouse may proceed with the action previously stayed, and the conciliation court has full jurisdiction to hear, try and determine the action for annulment of marriage, dissolution of marriage or legal separation and to retain jurisdiction of the case for further hearings on decrees or orders to be made. The conciliation provisions of this article may be used in regard to postdissolution problems concerning maintenance support, parenting time or contempt or for modification based on changed conditions in the discretion of the conciliation court.
C. d. On the filing of an action for annulment, dissolution of marriage or legal separation and after the expiration of sixty days from the service or the acceptance of service of process on or by the defendant, neither spouse without the consent of the other may file a petition invoking the jurisdiction of the conciliation court, as long as the domestic relations case remains pending, unless it appears to the court that the filing will not delay the orderly processes of the pending action, in which event the court may accept the petition and the filing of the petition has the same effect as the filing of any such petition within such sixty days after the service or acceptance of process."
Amend title to conform See at:

http://www.azleg.gov/legtext/49leg/2r/adopted/1199grayl445.doc.htm
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(172) 4/20/10

Delaying Divorce in Arizona Part 2

We continue to monitor the bill in the Arizona legislature to extend the waiting period for divorce. The Senate approved a revised version of the bill (SB1199) at the end of March. See Howard Fischer’s article in March 30, 2010 Arizona Daily Star at http://azstarnet.com/news/local/govt-and-politics/article_5030800b-1e41-51c8-a4c5-eeaed0d99115.html?mode=story This bill is an improvement of the older bill. It allows the divorce to be granted sooner if both parties agree. This works very well for mediated divorces where the parties do agree on everything. It will give divorcing couples another good reason to mediate their divorce. We will continue to keep you posted on this very important bill.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(171) 4/11/10

Wedding Mediation

A mediator’s skill set can be applied to many different issues. I started out doing divorce mediation but now do marital mediation, elder mediation, community mediation, employment mediation, and housing mediation. I am always looking for new areas to mediate. After reading, Abby Ellin’s article in the April 4, 2010 New York Times entitled "Burden of Paying for Wedding Bells Shifts," I have now found a new area - Wedding Mediation. See her entire article at http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/04/fashion/weddings/04FIELD.html
Ms Ellin indicates that
"..with these shifts in the financial landscape of weddings have come changes in the dynamics of who gets to call the shots.
According to Lizzie Post, a great-great-granddaughter of Emily Post and a spokeswoman for the etiquette institute in Burlington, Vt., that bears her ancestor’s name, "Money should never be used as a bargaining or leveraging chip." Nor does she think it is ever acceptable for one family to dictate solely what’s happening in the wedding — especially if all parties are paying. "You should get the two families together in advance and talk very respectfully and candidly about what everyone’s wishes and expectations are."...."It helps for everyone to discuss this right off the bat," she said, adding that even if the parents aren’t involved, she always requires the bridegrooms to attend planning sessions. "Sometimes you can see the guy doesn’t want to be there. And I say, ‘If you’re not involved in the meetings, you’re going to get swept up in this tornado and you’re not going to like it.’ "
Glenna Tooman, the owner of Memory Makers Event Planning in Boise, Idaho, agrees that it is better to bring all parties to the table from the start. "I encourage my brides to include the groom’s mother." She added: "Sometimes you have a person who can be very controlling. But if they have a good relationship with the groom’s mother and she is supportive of the bride, it can be a great bonding experience."
But as Ms. Goldberg pointed out, these sharing arrangements could easily evolve into competitions. "Everybody becomes a party planner when they’re throwing money around," she said. ʺ
These are issues where a mediator can be a very big help. I would be surprised if mediators are not already helping out. I can’t imagine these problems being resolved without a mediator.
Brides, grooms, and their families, we are ready when you need us!
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(170) 4/4/10

Divorce Mediation and Domestic Violence

Periodically, my daughters send me an article they think I will be interested in. My younger daughter recently sent me an article from Slate by Mary Adkins entitled, "Breaking Up Is Hard Enough To Do Why don't courts offer mediation to victims of domestic violence getting a divorce?" You can see the entire article at http://www.slate.com/id/2246708/ Ms. Adkin’s premise is "Domestic violence brings women to court seeking protective orders ... (b)ut when women who say they've been beaten up try to end their marriages, they find themselves at a disadvantage. In family court, they probably won't be offered mediation—the cheaper, less antagonistic alternative to litigation."
Ms. Adkins makes a strong case for divorce mediation when she say, "It costs less than litigation—couples save upward of 40 percent in attorney's fees. It does not require lawyers. And it's faster, saving money for the state as well. More important, research has shown that mediation leads to less bitterness, keeping the period of conflict short, which is better for children. Research also suggests it yields better outcomes for both parties, though better in different ways—women get more property and more financial support, while men are more likely to get shared custody or more visitation time with children."
She goes on to quote Oregon's "plan and protocol" for dealing with victims which states that "when domestic violence is present among parties in a dispute, the abuser's desire to maintain power and control over the victim is inconsistent with the method and objective of mediation. Fear of the abuser may prevent the victim from asserting needs."
In essence she feels that evaluative mediation works better in cases of domestic violence than facilitative mediation. She contrasts facilative mediation where, "The mediator does not offer opinions or recommendations. His limited role, in the face of a gross power disparity, can leave victims vulnerable to bargaining away financial support, assets, even custody, all out of fear." This compares to evaluative mediation where the "mediators are more active. Trained to attend to power imbalances, they offer opinions on fairness and predict how a case will play out at trial. The mediator is charged with preventing exploitative agreements, and the statistics about satisfaction and outcome suggest they do a pretty good job. All agreements coming out of mediation are reviewed by a judge. And in cases with a history of violence, states can mandate shuttling—where the parties sit in separate rooms—rather than face-to-face meetings."
Domestic violence is always a challenging issue for mediators. Some mediators won’t mediate a case with domestic violence. We try to screen for it but I am not sure we always are made aware of it. If we do find it, we always question the party further to make sure the party feels safe and can participate in the mediation without feeling intimidated. If we decide to mediate, we will stop the mediation at anytime we feel domestic violence is effecting the process. When I did domestic violence training, I remember the instructor talking about the "look." It was classical conditioning. The spouse only had to hit the other spouse once. After that the spouse only had to give the other spouse the "look." It is like an invisible fence for dogs. In retrospect, I realize that I have been doing more evaluative mediation in divorce mediation cases where domestic violence is an issue. I believe divorce cases where there has been domestic violence can be mediated but it takes a highly skilled and trained mediator whois using the right style of mediation.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation or Divorce by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM (169) 3/14/10

Cohabiting and Divorce

Over the years I have seen many couples get married for the wrong reasons. They often think that marrying will save the relationship. They often have a child for the same reason. I was reminded of this by the article in the March 3, 2010 New York Times by Sam Roberts entitled, "
Study Finds Cohabiting Doesn’t Make a Union Last" You can read the entire article at http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/03/us/03marry.html Mr. Roberts writes about a study done by
the National Center for Health Statistics using data from the National Survey of Family Growth conducted in 2002. He says, "Couples who live together before they get married are less likely to stay married, a new study has found. But their chances improve if they were already engaged when they began living together. The likelihood that a marriage would last for a decade or more decreased by six percentage points if the couple had cohabited first, the study found." Interestly, he goes on to report that "Half of couples who cohabit marry within three years...If both partners are college graduates, the chances improve that they will marry and that their marriage will last at least 10 years." Mr. Roberts or the study don’t say why this is the case for non college graduates but it I think it may be as I said that they are trying to fix an already broken relationship. I have also noted that marriage may change a relationship. I knew a couple where the woman was in control when they were living together and the man was in control when they got married. I also know that people often behave one way in order to get married and then behave differently when they do get married. This is another reason why I strongly advocate premarital counseling and a more wide spread process for letting divorcing non married couples. What are your experiences? Share them with us and perhaps help a couple from making the wrong decision. One last comment, the article also notes that in general one in five marriages will dissolve within five years. On in three will last less than ten years.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(168) 3/3/10

Delaying Divorce in Arizona

A front page story in today’s Arizona Daily Star indicates that "state lawmakers are moving to make couples who have decided their marriage isn’t working wait four months longer to divorce." See entire article at http://azstarnet.com/news/local/govt-and-politics/article_3dae7780-0037-59c2-a0dd-63f3ce8715a7.html?mode=story . I believe there should be some waiting period and the 61 days we currently have in Arizona works well. Anything more seems long. I was interested in the comment that 4 out of 5 getting a divorce don’t want the divorce. Anyone who is a divorce professional knows this is very typical but not for the reasons the lawmakers think. Also studies have shown that prolonged divorces are very bad for children. There are many other things we can do encourage better marriages and divorces. This is not one of them. I know from my professional experience that mediating more divorces would not only save some marriages but is much better for children.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(167) 2/12/10

NPR and Children of Divorce

My daughters have an interest in what we do as a divorce mediators. They often send me articles that I will be interested in. My oldest daughter recently sent me the January 4, 2010 article which was on the NPR web site by Sasha Aslanian entitled, "What The Divorce Revolution Has Meant For Kids." You can see the entire article at http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=122127796 Since it was about children, it was appropriate that it came from my daughter. Ms. Aslanian contrasts the recent history of children in divorce from the movie Kramer vs. Kramer with what has happened in Henepin County, Minnesota. In the movie the couple are locked in a custody battle over their young son. The child they were fighting over doesn't have much of a voice in the movie. It's more a drama about his parents. In Hennepin County, Minnesota steps are being taken for the sake of the kids.
She indicates that the "Country tried something different. At the first meeting with the judge right after filing for divorce, there would be no motions. No judicial robes. And the attorneys would sit on the sidelines. ‘The judge would sit down with parties and talk to them about such things as childhood development. What they could do to help their kids. What would send their kids' mental health south real fast. What they could do to preserve some of their assets for their kids' extracurricular activities or college, rather than the lawyers' kids' extracurricular activities and college, After the initial meeting, the couple would come back a few weeks later and meet with a male and a female custody evaluator. They would try to come up with a reasonable plan that everyone could buy into. A separate meeting dealt with the financial part of divorce.""
She also discusses the County’s court-mandated class for kids whose parents were getting divorced. She says they practiced role-playing how to avoid divorce traps. — like being asked to spy on the other parent or parents who spew venom about each other.
Divorce does not have to be a disaster for the children. If the parents care, they can do things to make it better for their children. I always tell my clients they have given their children a wonderful gift.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(166) 1/26/10

Zero-Sum Divorce

Recently, I have been reading, "The Evolution of God" by Robert Wright. See his web site at http://evolutionofgod.net/ He uses the "zero-sum" concept in his book. I have been coming across this concept in many contexts lately. Wikepedia say, "In game theory and economic theory, zero-sum describes a situation in which a participant's gain or loss is exactly balanced by the losses or gains of the other participant(s). If the total gains of the participants are added up, and the total losses are subtracted, they will sum to zero. Zero-sum can be thought of more generally as constant sum where the benefits and losses to all players sum to the same value... Cutting a cake is zero- or constant-sum, because taking a larger piece reduces the amount of cake available for others. In contrast, non-zero-sum describes a situation in which the interacting parties' aggregate gains and losses is either less than or more than zero." It has been my experience that zero sum can also be diagnostic of a person’s view of situations. For instance, I have found that Conservatives are tend to see things as zero sum and Liberals tend to see things as non-zero sum. As usual I try to apply ideas to divorce. It is my experience that Adversary or Traditional Divorces are zero-sum and Mediated Divorces are non-zero sum. You can always find both in either type of divorce. If you can identify if a party is zero-sum or non-zero sum, it helps to determine how they will problem solve or negotiate. Once you know this it makes it easier to resolve the case. A note of caution, you try to explain to the parties if the pie is constant or can be made larger but you can’t usually convert a zero-sum person to a non-zero sum person.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(165) 1/19/10

Record Number of Divorces

A short article in the New York Times caught my eye. It said in part, " On the other hand, vows are apparently a necessity for an Israeli man who at age 50 has just been granted his 11th divorce. The BBC reports that the man, from Jerusalem, usually divorces after two years and immediately goes out bride hunting. Or perhaps bride reeling. "I send out a hook in all directions, and the fish come on their own," the man, who was not named, said. According to the rabbinical court that announced the divorce, 11 is a record for Jews in Israel. The court praised the man's adherence to religious procedure. Under Jewish law, a man seeking a divorce grants his wife a "get," which declares, ‘You are hereby permitted to all men.’" See the article at http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/09/weekinreview/10grist-2.html

It made me think who set the record for the most divorces. If Wikepedia is too be trusted is appears to be Glynn Wolfe, a former Baptist minister. They say, " he managed the feat a heartbreaking 28 times throughout his life. The shortest of his marriages was a mere 19 days, while the longest lasted an impressive 7 years." He was married 29 times. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glynn_Wolfe
He apparently died with $480 to his name. I guess it is very costly to get divorce 28 times!

As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(164) 1/12/10

Top Reasons People Divorce

I am surprised I have not done this before. In an article in Associated Content on June 1, 2006, Linda M. McCloud says the following are the top reasons people get divorced. See entire article at http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/35097/top_reasons_people_divorce.html Do you agree? Would you include other reasons in the list?

Money.
Infidelity.
Poor communication
Change in priorities. This can be caused by having kids or due to ones job, big things.
Lack of commitment to the marriage.
Sexual problems.
Other reasons that come up frequently, but not as frequently are:
Addictions
Failed expectations of your spouse (believing one is a super hero or that he/she can fix or be everything to or for you)
Physical, emotional or sexual abuse.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(163) 1/2/10