State of Confusion

In an effort to better understand the 2008 Presidential Election, I have read State of Confusion by Dr. Bryant Welch. One of his theories which is well known to therapists is that people form their own reality. We should give more credence to each person forming his or her own reality in divorce cases. It helps explain why people take the positions they do and why they can be so difficult to change. One of the reasons we usually start a mediation with the husband and wife each independently completing financial and personal questionnaires, then comparing them, and then discussing in a mediation session is so we can try to agree on a common reality. How to come up with common solutions is more difficult but easier when we agree on the underlying facts.
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If Things Fall Apart, Who Gets the Ring?

One of my early cases as an attorney concerned an older man engaged to a younger woman. She broke of the engagement and he wanted the engagement ring back. It brought back memories to see the article in the October 3, 2008, New York Times by Nadine Brozman entitled "If Things Fall Apart, Who Gets the Ring?" You can see the entire article at
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/05/fashion/weddings/05field.html?partner=permalink&exprod=permalink.
Ms. Brozan say, "Chivalry aside, in recent years courts have almost always held that the ring goes back to the buyer, no matter the circumstances. The premise is that the engagement ring is a conditional gift — the condition being that a marriage take place. And if it does not, the agreement is rendered null and void. Furthermore, courts have ruled that it does not matter who broke the engagement, the donor or the recipient. "If you have no-fault divorce, you must have no-fault engagements," said Joanne Ross Wilder, a principal in the Pittsburgh law firm Wilder & Mahood. In 1999 she won a ruling in a Pennsylvania case that is viewed as precedent setting: the ring should be returned to the donor. "Before this case, there was a split of opinion in the United States as to whether the donor should get the ring back if he broke the engagement without just cause," Ms. Wilder said. "If you get into who was at fault in deciding whether the ring should remain with the donee or return to the donor, you do a counterintuitive analysis. Isn’t the purpose of an engagement to be a trial period and isn’t it better to break an engagement than a marriage? Whose fault is irrelevant?"
On the other hand she goes on to quote Letitia Baldrige, the etiquette expert who says, "the person who breaks the engagement is responsible for making good. If the woman breaks it, she should send the ring back immediately. If it is the man, he should say, ‘Of course you keep the ring. Should the ring be a family heirloom, the woman should return it. But then he should buy her another piece of jewelry or simply give her a credit at a jewelry shop. Nice people do that."
I have also found who gets the engagement ring is a hot issue in divorce mediation. It can also be diagnostic. I will let you guess which attitude means what! The value of the ring makes the issue even more complicated. Inevitably, the ring is worth less than what was paid for it and the couple argues, as they do with many assets, if it should be valued at the replacement value or the value you could sell it for.
We are known for divorce mediation but do other types of mediation. Perhaps we should also do broken engagement mediation.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 10/20/08

The Key to Wedded Bliss? Money Matters

Not only am I a google junkie but I guess I am a New York Times junkie! The Times seems to be able to say what I am thinking better than I can. The September 10, 2008 article in the Wealth & Personal Finance section by Tara Siegel Bernard, entitled, "The Key to Wedded Bliss? Money Maters," was one of the articles. You can read the entire article at
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/10/business/businessspecial3/10WED.html?ex=1378785600&en=04325ab78cbe5a84&ei=5124&partner=permalink&exprod=permalink.
It emphasizes my philosophy toward mediation. It is easier to quote then paraphrase. Bernard says,

"If you ask married people why their marriage works, they are probably not going to say it’s because they found their financial soul mate.
But if they are lucky, they have. Marrying a person who shares your attitudes about money might just be the smartest financial decision you will ever make. In fact, when it comes to finances, your marriage is likely to be your most valuable asset — or your largest liability.
Marrying for love is a relatively recent phenomenon. For centuries, marriages were arranged affairs, aligning families for economic or political purposes or simply pooling the resources of those scraping by.
Today, while most of us marry for romantic reasons, marriage at its core is still a financial union. So much of what we want — or don’t want — out of life boils down to dollars and cents, whether it’s how hard we choose to work, how much we consume or how much we save. For some people, it’s working 80-hour weeks to finance a third home and country club membership; for others, it means cutting back on office hours to spend more time with the family."

She goes on to discuss seven guidelines for a success marriage.

1. Talk and Share Goals
2. Run a Home Like a Business
3. Be Supportive of Careers
4. Enjoy, but within Reason
5. Use a Mediator
6. Main Some Independence
7. Invest in Your Marriage.

We often do guideline five, Use a Mediator, when we do Marital Mediation. Many of the divorces we mediate have been caused by financial issues. Many divorces could be avoided by following these guidelines.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 10/13/08

Candy Dish

There is a candy dish in the middle of the round table in our office. We keep it filled with purple and white lentils. They are a bitter sweet chocolate. Some clients never eat them but I have noticed that the candy can be diagnostic. When clients get anxious, they go for the candy! As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 10/05/08