CENTER FOR DIVORCE MEDIATION -------------------------------------THE CONFLICT MANAGERS------------

Divorce and Fallacies

2012-01-24T06:00:00.000-07:00

Most people thing divorce is rationale and there are what I call “cookie cutter” results or at a minimum very predictable results. I have not found this to be the case and if it were, we could just input the facts to a computer and the computer would “spit out” an answer. What divorces are often based on is applied logic and rehetoric. Unfortunately logic and rhetoric are subject to fallacies. You will recognize some of the logic and rehetoric fallacy techniques used in divorce cases.

As Wikepedia states in the following paragraphs: “A fallacy is usually an improper argumentation in reasoning resulting in a misconception or presumption. By accident or design, fallacies may exploit emotional triggers in the listener or interlocutor (appeal to emotion), or take advantage of social relationships between people (e.g. argument from authority). Fallacious arguments are often structured using rhetorical patterns that obscure any logical argument.

Fallacies can be used to win arguments regardless of the merits. Among such devices, discussed in more detail below, are: "ignoring the question" to divert argument to unrelated issues using a red herring, making the argument personal (argumentum ad hominem) and discrediting the opposition's character, "begging the question" (petito principi), the use of the non-sequitor, false cause and effect (post hoc ergo propter hoc), bandwagoning (everyone says so), the "false dilemma" or "either-or fallacy" in which the situation is oversimplified, "card-stacking" or selective use of facts, and "false analogy". Another favorite device is the "false generalization", an abstraction of the argument that shifts discussion to platitudes where the facts of the matter are lost. There are many, many more tricks to divert attention from careful exploration of a subject.

Fallacies can generally be classified as informal (premises fail to support the proposed conclusion, but the argument is structured properly) or formal (logical structure is flawed).The taxonomy of material fallacies is based on that of Aristotle's body structure Oganon (Sophistici elenchi).

• Fallacy of accident or sweeping generalization: a generalization that disregards exceptions.

• Converse fallacy of accident or hasty generalization: argues from a special case to a general rule.

• Irrelevant conclusion: diverts attention away from a fact in dispute rather than addressing it directly.

• Affirming the consequent: draws a conclusion from premises that do not support that conclusion by confusing necessary and sufficient conditions.

• Denying the antecedent: draws a conclusion from premises that do not support that conclusion by confusing necessary and sufficient conditions.

• Begging the question: demonstrates a conclusion by means of premises that assume that conclusion.

• Fallacy of false cause or non sequitur: incorrectly assumes one thing is the cause of another. Non Sequitur is Latin for "It does not follow."

• Fallacy of many questions or loaded question: groups more than one question in the form of a single question.

• Straw man: A straw man argument is an informal fallacy based on misrepresentation of an opponent's position.

• Same Team Fallacy: A case where an arguer knows the main criticisms of their argument, and then asserts that the counter argument should have the same criticisms (based on a genetic fallacy of its arguer). It is often characterized by the fallacy of dismissal after the distinctions and differences are brought out, and the fallacy of repetition thereafter.

Verbal fallacies are those in which a conclusion is obtained by improper or ambiguous use of words. They are generally classified as follows:

• Equivocation consists in employing the same word in two or more senses, e.g. in a syllogism, the middle term being used in one sense in the major and another in the minor premise, so that in fact there are four not three terms.

• Connotation fallacies occur when a dysphemistic word is substituted for the speaker's actual quote and used to discredit the argument. It is a form of attribution fallacy.

• Argument by innuendo involves implicitly suggesting a conclusion without stating it outright. For example, a job reference that says a former employee "was never caught taking money from the cash box" In this example the overly specific nature of the innuendo implies that the employee was a thief, even though it does not make (or justify) a direct negative statement.

• Amphiboly is the result of ambiguity of grammatical structure.

• Fallacy of composition

• Division, the converse of the preceding, arguing from a property of the whole, to each constituent part.

• Proof by verbosity, sometimes colloquially referred to as argumentum verbosum - a rhetorical technique that tries to persuade by overwhelming those considering an argument with such a volume of material that the argument sounds plausible, superficially appears to be well-researched, and it is so laborious to untangle and check supporting facts that the argument might be allowed to slide by unchallenged.

• Accent, which occurs only in speaking and consists of emphasizing the wrong word in a sentence. e.g., "He is a fairly good pianist", according to the emphasis on the words, may imply praise of a beginner's progress or insult of an expert pianist.

• Figure of Speech, the confusion between the metaphorical and ordinary uses of a word or phrase. Fallacy of misplaced concreteness, identified by Whitehead in his discussion of metaphysics, this refers to the reification of concepts which exist only in discussion.”

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM (244) 1/24/12

Native American Mediation

2012-01-17T09:52:00.000-07:00

Recently, I have been s tudying Native American Law. It is an interesting mixture of tribal law and custom, United States law, and United States policy toward Native American. Reading about Native American Law made me curious about Native American Mediation. I found a wonderful 2005 article on Mediation.com entitled Native American Wisdom: Lessons Learned from Mediation by Joe Epstein at http://www.mediate.com/articles/epstein2.cfm#. He starts out in his introduction by saying:

“Medidation is the intervention into a dispute or negotiation by an acceptable, impartial, and neutral third party who has no authoritative decision making process" When Christopher Moore wrote his seminal book The Mediation Process, mediation was still in it's infancy with regard to its utilization with litigated cases. As litigation has become more expensive, as parties have become adverse to the high transactional costs of litigation, as attorneys become better trained in mediation and negotiation, as attorneys and parties become more interactive in a less adversarial and confrontive life style, as under-financed courts are overwhelmed with criminal, juvenile and domestic relations cases, the demand for mediation of commercial disputes has skyrocketed. In fact, courts in many states are demanding that litigants participate in a mediation before they can come to court for a resolution of their dispute. For many disputants there is a sense that mediation must provide more than the all or nothing of litigation, that it should touch underlying issues and concern that run deeper than overt legal results. Parties want respect, dignity and an opportunity to be heard as well as a sense that the judicial system has treated them fairly from a financial perspective. Unless today's mediators are willing to mediate dangerously and take more spiritual and emotional risks, they will fall short as mediators.

Mediators who merely and meekly trade numbers from room to room no longer fill the bill for modern mediators. Paradoxically, ancient Native American traditions and values provide a portal for modern mediators to satisfy today's demand for a more meaningful, transformative, complete and satisfying mediation process.

Native American wisdom focuses on healing wounds, and bringing peace through good feelings, not fear. While mediations are focused principally on legal issues, Native American wisdom teaches us to be mindful of a person's emotional damage as well. Mediators should not only emphasize a need for a legal resolution, but also strive to heal broken relationships, and rebuild personal self-esteem and confidence. Addressing these non-monetary dimensions directly is what makes mediation a unique opportunity for both financial resolution and closure. A mediator can assist in addressing non monetary dimensions by using Native American wisdom. “

He presents twelve values inspired by Native American wisdom. The values are familiar but worth repeating.

1. LISTENING

2. RESPECT

3. GENEROSITY

4. HUMOR

5. COMPASSION

6. SILENCE

7. NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION

8. ATONEMENT

9. TRUST

10. HEALING

11. WISDOM

12. PEACEMAKER

He concludes by saying,

“In conclusion, we have found that intertwining Native American values with basic practice and principals of mediation aids in facilitating effective transformative and spiritual dispute resolution. The gifted mediators listen patiently for the deepest meanings of what is said verbally and communicated non-verbally. The mediator is listening for both overt and convert messages. He listens with respect and compassion. He risks self revelation just as he asks it of the parties. It is not only a mediator's generosity, humor, and silence, but also his style and empathetic connection with the parties which allow the mediator to gain the necessary trust. As he asks for trust, he must earn it. Then having earned it, he may assist the parties with atonement, with respect, compassion, empathy, sympathy and forgiveness. A risk taking mediator may even attempt to assist the parties with transformation, and he affords opportunities for healing. A mediator with true wisdom knows how to set a foundation during a mediation, which allows participants to heal their wounds. Mediators who fail to address underlying issues and needs sell their clients short and cannot earn the title of the "Peacemaker" or the accolade of being considered a "Gifted One."

Modern mediators must be prepared to take risks to help the parties come to a complete closure and they must recognize that in some instances at least, this may require "risking" heartfelt and spiritual connection. By using these core values inspired by Native American wisdom in their practice, mediators may become "Peacemakers" and may be honored as a "Gifted One."”

Dinosaurs Divorce

2012-01-09T06:00:00.000-07:00

Once again, I am surprised I have not blogged on this before. I have heard about the book Dinosaurs Divorce A Guide for Changing Families by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown for years but have never taken the time to read it. I am planning to do a Divorce TV show on Divorce and Children’s Books so I finally decided to read the book. It is great. It includes topic that are understandable to young children which include Divorce Words and What They Mean, Why Parents Divorce, What About You, After the Divorce, Living with One Parent, Visiting Your Parent, Having Two Homes, Celebrating Holidays and Special Occasions, Telling Your Friends, Meeting Parent’s New Friends, Living with Stepparents, and Having Stepsisters and Stepbrothers. In particular, I like advice that “Divorces takes place between mothers and fathers. You are not to blame if you parents get divorced.” I was pleased that I give much of the same advice to couples who see me.

Yiddish Divorce, No Mediation

2012-01-02T08:45:00.000-07:00

Happy New Year. First blog of 2012. My parents spoke Yiddish when I was a child so I would not be to understand what they were saying. I learned a few words like seza, kiki slufen, chutzpah (not the Michelle Bachman version) and schlep but not much more. (See below for list of a few more common Yiddish words that are now commonly used.) I have never been too good learning languages. I have checked some of the words and not sure if my parents pronounced them differently, I heard them differently or I just don’t remember. I remember my parents calling me seza which I thought was sweetness. I checked online and the closest was sis. Kiki I think is keit for child. Slufen is schlofn for sleep. The secretive quality always made Yiddish special for me. I am always looking for new topics to blog so as usual I googled Yiddish Divorce. I found a very interesting and funny discussion at http://www.tabletmag.com/life-and-religion/25978/divorce-court/?all=1 . It is not surprising that human nature has not changed and stories about Jewish divorces by Jew who spoke Yiddish are not all that different from contested divorces today. Perhaps worse! There are Jewish Divorces or Gets. See blog on at http://centerfordivorcemediation.blogspot.com/2008/03/religious-divorce-and-annulment_10.html on March 10, 2008 on Religious Divorce and Annulment. There are no Yiddish Divorces but rather the Yiddish culture has influenced the divorce process has it has influenced our language. I guess there was not Yiddish Mediation but the Rabbi was often a problem solver. The above link to Tablet Magazine is an excellent article with stories about divorce in the Yiddish Culture. Let me excerpt one of my favorites.

“Divorce Court By Eddy Portnoy, Tablet Magazine online on February 18, 2010 quoting the Yiddish publication, Moment of January 1929.

Now that the saccharine idiocy of Valentine’s Day is safely behind us, we can focus on the beneficial fallout of love: the breakups. It is, no doubt, a tragedy when a marriage or a long-term relationship dissolves into an angry knot of hatred and acrimony, when fury and venom are spit from lips that only recently touched in tender embrace. Except, of course, when you get to watch it happen.

Such was the luck of Yiddish journalists of the 19th and early 20th century who were assigned to report from the Warsaw beyz-din, the city’s storied rabbinical court, which functioned as a kind of Las Vegas-style divorce court, where couples could show up without an appointment and request an instant divorce. More often than not, proceedings would devolve into pitched battles between appellants. And because people knew that journalists would be present, the court began, starting in the mid-1920s, to take on the flavor of a Yiddish Jerry Springer show in which chairs and fists would fly on a sheitel-trigger

“In the Shadows of Jewish Family Life: A Woman of Valor,” Moment, January 1929

The door of the rabbinate is thrust open and in falls one Tshipe-Kayle Yagora of Black Street, shlepping her husband Borekh Einbinder behind her. About two dozen Jews, men and women, pour in after them. Some of them are “helpers” planning to testify and the rest are simply curious.

The shamus asks, “What do you want?”

Tshipe-Kayle is in the mood for a song and starts off on a high note: “I gotta get to the rabbinate. What I want is none a ya business. For once and for all I want my Borekh should have a carcass, right now. I’ll light a candle in shul! ”

One of the Rabbis steps in: “In short, what’s this all about?”

Tshipe-Kayle starts her tune. Oy, does she pour out a hail of accusations on her husband’s head, among them that at the time they were married, she, a divorcee, gave him 300 dollars as dowry and in only a short time he wasted all of it. And on top of that he’s got a lover and doesn’t come home for nights at a time.

Borekh, a scrawny Jew with a scratchy little beard and red eyes, stands there and doesn’t utter a word. When the rabbi asks him if he is guilty of what Tshipe-Kayle accuses him, he simply shrugs his shoulders without making a peep.

“You idiot! ” yells one of her supporters, shoving him, “now that you’re not with Tshipe-Kayle, you have to tell the rabbi everything….nu, talk!”

Borekh finally gets the courage to say something and begins to describe the troubles that he suffers from his “woman of valor.”

“It’s true,” he says, that Tshipe-Kayle gave him 300 dollars, but what could he do if business was bad and his own money was also lost? “That she is a malicious woman I learned right after the wedding, but because she was mine ‘according to the laws of Moses and Israel,’ I didn’t want to ridicule anyone and suffered in silence. And did I suffer. Just when business started to take off, my toast landed butter side down. She began to make all kinds of scandals, driving me out of the house and not cooking for me even a spoonful of food. I was forced to go to my 68-year old aunt’s house to get something to eat. And my nag calls that a ‘lover.’”

“Rotten little Borekh!” Tshipe-Kayle can’t take it any longer, “You should live as long as you speak the truth! Why don’t you tell the rabbi where you spend your nights?”

“Yes, rabbi,” answers Borekh meekly, “that’s also true. I purposely try to avoid having to listen to her curses by spending half the night in the study house reading psalms or studying a bit of Mishna. I can’t take any more of her. Rabbi, please grant us a divorce. Maybe it’s still possible for me to have a few comfortable years.”

“What?!” booms Tshipe-Kayle, like a canon, “You wanna divorce? I’ll dress you in a shroud first and send you express mail into the next world!”

The rabbi decides that the couple should try to live together in peace for two weeks. Tshipe-Kayle is warned not to pester Borekh—because if she does they will force her to accept a divorce.

“Ha, ha, ha,” she laughs to herself, “I’d like to see the Cossacks that will force me to get a divorce.”

Tshipe-Kayle is dragged out of the rabbinate by force and, for a long time, her screams and curses reverberate in the stairs.”

Some popular Yiddish Words:

1. bissel Or bisl – a little bit.

2. bupkes Not a word for polite company. Bubkes or bobkes may be related to the Polish word for “beans”, but it really means “goat droppings” or “horse droppings.” It’s often used by American Jews for “trivial, worthless, useless, a ridiculously small amount” – less than nothing, so to speak. “After all the work I did, I got bupkes!”

3. chutzpah Or khutspe. Nerve, extreme arrogance, brazen presumption. In English, chutzpah often connotes courage or confidence, but among Yiddish speakers, it is not a compliment.

4. glitch Or glitsh. Literally “slip,” “skate,” or “nosedive,” which was the origin of the common American usage as “a minor problem or error.”

5. kibbitz In Yiddish, it’s spelled kibets, and it’s related to the Hebrew “kibbutz” or “collective.” But it can also mean verbal joking, which after all is a collective activity. It didn’t originally mean giving unwanted advice about someone else’s game – that’s an American innovation.

6. klutz Or better yet, klots. Literally means “a block of wood,” so it’s often used for a dense, clumsy or awkward person. See schlemiel.

7. kvetsh In popular English, kvetch means “complain, whine or fret,” but in Yiddish, kvetsh literally means “to press or squeeze,” like a wrong-sized shoe. Reminds you of certain chronic complainers, doesn’t it? But it’s also used on Yiddish web pages for “click” (Click Here).

8. maven Pronounced meyven. An expert, often used sarcastically.

9. Mazel Tov Or mazltof. Literally “good luck,” (well, literally, “good constellation”) but it’s a congratulation for what just happened, not a hopeful wish for what might happen in the future. When someone gets married or has a child or graduates from college, this is what you say to them. It can also be used sarcastically to mean “it’s about time,” as in “It’s about time you finished school and stopped sponging off your parents.”

10. mentsh An honorable, decent person, an authentic person, a person who helps you when you need help. Can be a man, woman or child.

11. mishpocheh Or mishpokhe or mishpucha. It means “family,” as in “Relax, you’re mishpocheh. I’ll sell it to you at wholesale.”

12. nosh Or nash. To nibble; a light snack, but you won’t be light if you don’t stop noshing. Can also describe plagarism, though not always in a bad sense; you know, picking up little pieces for yourself.

13. nu A general word that calls for a reply. It can mean, “So?” “Huh?” “Well?” “What’s up?” or “Hello?”

14. oy vey Exclamation of dismay, grief, or exasperation. The phrase “oy vey iz mir” means “Oh, woe is me.” “Oy gevalt!” is like oy vey, but expresses fear, shock or amazement. When you realize you’re about to be hit by a car, this expression would be appropriate.

15. plotz Or plats. Literally, to explode, as in aggravation. “Well, don’t plotz!” is similar to “Don’t have a stroke!” or “Don’t have a cow!” Also used in expressions such as, “Oy, am I tired; I just ran the four-minute mile. I could just plotz.” That is, collapse.

16. shlep To drag, traditionally something you don’t really need; to carry unwillingly. When people “shlep around,” they are dragging themselves, perhaps slouchingly. On vacation, when I’m the one who ends up carrying the heavy suitcase I begged my wife to leave at home, I shlep it.

17. shlemiel A clumsy, inept person, similar to a klutz (also a Yiddish word). The kind of person who always spills his soup.

18. schlock Cheap, shoddy, or inferior, as in, “I don’t know why I bought this schlocky souvenir.”

19. shlimazel Someone with constant bad luck. When the shlemiel spills his soup, he probably spills it on the shlimazel. Fans of the TV sitcom “Laverne and Shirley” remember these two words from the Yiddish-American hopscotch chant that opened each show.

20. shmendrik A jerk, a stupid person, popularized in The Last Unicorn and Welcome Back Kotter.

21. shmaltzy Excessively sentimental, gushing, flattering, over-the-top, corny. This word describes some of Hollywood’s most famous films. From shmaltz, which means chicken fat or grease.

22. shmooze Chat, make small talk, converse about nothing in particular. But at Hollywood parties, guests often schmooze with people they want to impress.

23. spiel A long, involved sales pitch, as in, “I had to listen to his whole spiel before I found out what he really wanted.” From the German word for play.

24. shmutz Or shmuts. Dirt – a little dirt, not serious grime. If a little boy has shmutz on his face, and he likely will, his mother will quickly wipe it off. It can also mean dirty language. It’s not nice to talk shmutz about shmutz. A current derivation, “schmitzig,” means a “thigamabob” or a “doodad,” but has nothing to do with filth.

25. shtick Something you’re known for doing, an entertainer’s routine, an actor’s bit, stage business; a gimmick often done to draw attention to yourself.

26. tchatchke tshatshke. Knick-knack, little toy, collectible or giftware. It also appears in sentences such as, “My brother divorced his wife for some little tchatchke.” You can figure that one out.

27. tsuris Or tsores. Serious troubles, not minor annoyances. Plagues of lice, gnats, flies, locusts, hail, death… now, those were tsuris.

28. tuches Rear end, bottom, backside, buttocks. In proper Yiddish, it’s spelled tuchis or tuches or tokhis, and was the origin of the American slang word tush.

29. yente Female busybody or gossip. At one time, high-class parents gave this name to their girls (after all, it has the same root as “gentle”), but it gained the Yiddish meaning of “she-devil”. The matchmaker in “Fiddler on the Roof” was named Yente (and she certainly was a yente though maybe not very high-class), so many people mistakenly think that yente means matchmaker.

Marriage of Limited Duration

2011-12-26T16:34:00.000-07:00

I have long advocated marriages of limited duration with an option to renew. This seemed farfetched to most people but Mexico is actually considering it. A recent article from Reuters by Alex Leff says, “Mexico City lawmakers want to help newlyweds avoid the hassle of divorce by giving them an easy exit strategy: temporary marriage licenses. The proposed a reform to the civil code would allow couples to decide on the length of their commitment, opting out of a lifetime. The minimum marriage contract would be for two years and could be renewed if the couple stays happy. The contracts would include provisions on how children and property would be handled if the couple splits."You wouldn't have to go through the tortuous process of divorce. http://tiny.cc/CDM122311 The church criticized the proposed change. This reform is absurd. It contradicts the nature of marriage," said Hugo Valdemar, spokesman for the Mexican archdiocese.”

This would not put Divorce Mediators out of business. Many of us also do Marital Mediation which in the case of a marriage of limited duration could be used to help the marriage or problem solve the renewal of the marriage.

Under this law we would not only have quickie Mexican divorces but quicke Mexican marriages.

In contrast to this Malta held a divorce referendum in May to consult the electorate on the introduction of divorce which resulted in a majority of the voters approving legalization of divorce. This will be the subject of a future blog.

I don’t think this is a bad idea. The person you marry is not always the same person you divorce. People and circumstances change and this would avoid the agonies of divorce. It may also actually make the people work harder on the marriage because otherwise there will not be a marriage.

Don’t Be Fooled When Eating Cereal or Getting Divorced

2011-12-19T06:53:00.002-07:00

While eating breakfast this morning I tried a new cereal. As I am getting older I try to eat low calorie, high fiber low sugar cereal with low fat milk. This has leaded me to compare the different cereals. I use to just look at the number of calories in a portion but then I noticed that each box of cereal defines portion differently. I think to keep the calorie number lower. Sum portions are a cup, 2/3 of a cup, 3/4 of a cup or 1 and 1/4 cups. This is like the candy bars which get smaller and remain the same size or the big box with less contents. The moral of the story is you must read the fine print and do a comprehensive comparison. What does this have to do with mediation and divorce? As my younger daughter says, I can find a blog or tweet about mediation in anything! When coming up with settlement options you have to do a comprehensive comparison. For example, if you are getting stock don’t just look at the current value but look at the basis so you know the capital gains. 100 shares of Coke with a value of $100 and a basis of $100 and 100 shares of Pepsi with a value of $100 and basis of $50 when sold and capital gains taxes paid are not equal. Money from and IRA and money in a saving account are not equal because of taxes and penalties. So be careful!

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(241) 12/19/11

My Op/Ed Divorce Style Mediation and Political Disputes

2011-12-12T16:56:00.006-07:00

My first and maybe not last op/ed.

Divorce-style mediation might have a place in political disputes Walter Marcus Special To The Arizona Daily Star

Listening to the Republicans and Democrats of the supercommittee blaming each other instead of problem-solving sounds eerily is like listening to parties to a divorce.
As a mediator who has successfully mediated hundreds of cases, I believe that legislative disputes can be resolved (or at least improved) by using the tools of facilitative mediation.
Here's how I would approach "the case": With everyone present in one room, each side would designate a spokesperson. After reviewing the mediation process and ground rules (respectful listening, no interruptions, no threats, no ultimatums, confidentiality) the first agreement from both sides would need to be that information from the mediation process would not be used in the future.
The process then begins with each side providing the factual basis for their interest. The process cannot proceed until the parties agree on the underlying facts. The supercommittee never agreed on the underlying facts, which doomed the process.
The process continues with the parties articulating their goals. It is essential that the real interest come out. In the supercommittee case, it would appear that the real interest is for each side to win the next election. If the real interest is winning the next election, each party must be convinced that the resolution won't hurt them at the polls.
With all this on the table, we get to the tough part of the mediation - getting the parties to brainstorm, think outside the box and come up with a win-win solutions. Ironically, a solution endorsed by both sides and an agreement not to use it as a club in the next election could be one path toward a resolution.
Mediation is not a silver bullet, but it can be an effective process and just might work. Often it happens in mediation that the parties learn to communicate better without a mediator and so strengthen relationships, which helps with the inevitable future conflicts. Why not give it a try?

Divorce, Marriage, and Mediation License Plates

2011-12-05T11:38:00.029-07:00

Surprised I have not done this before but below are the license plates I have found. Send in pictures you have found. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(238) 12/5/11

Surprised I have not done this before but above are the license plates I have found. Send in pictures you have found. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(238) 12/5/11

Divorce, Gandhi and Satyagraha

2011-11-28T13:26:00.000-07:00

I recently saw the very creative production of the opera, Satyagraha, by Philip Glass and presented live by the Metropolitan Opera on HD in movie theaters. The opera is about Gandhi and his early efforts in South Africa. Satyagraha is a word he coined which roughly translated means force of truth. It was the name of Gandhi’s newspaper. It is derived from Satya - truth; implying openness, honesty, and fairness, Ahimsa - refusal to inflict injury upon others and Tapasya - willingness for self-sacrifice. I have always been fascinated by Gandhi but never thought of his principles and how they relate to mediation. It is obvious that the core principles of Satyagraha and mediation are the same. It is what I strive for in my mediations. I am now inspired to read more. There is a encore performance of the Opera on December 7, 2011 and you should consider seeing it. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(237) 11/28/11

Rashomon and Divorce Mediation

2011-11-17T17:40:00.003-07:00

One of my favorite movies is Rashomon. It is an Akira Kurosawa in which a crime witnessed by four individuals is described in four mutually contradictory ways. The film is based on two short stories by Ryūnosuke Akutagawa. The word Rashomon is now commonly used to describe the effect of the subjectivity of perception on recollection, by which observers of an event are able to produce substantially different but equally plausible accounts of it. I just heard it used today on NPR and I made my daughters watch the movie so they would understand the word. It is seen often in popular culture and has been used on All in the Family, Grey’s Anatomy, Happy Days, The Simpsons, How I Met Your Mother and many other TV shows. I once tried a case where a women was hit by a car as she was walking in a cross walk. There were three witnesses and each saw a different color traffic light. I am surprised I have not blogged about the Rashomon Effect before because it happens all the time in marriage and divorce. There is not much a mediator can do about the Rashomon Effect but recognize the effect and to have the parties agree to disagree. Neither party will ever convince the other party. They must Accept and move on.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(236) 11/17/11

Divorce Mediation and Good Behavior

2011-11-10T11:16:00.005-07:00

After a mediation, I often see the couple speaking in the parking lot of my office. This happens so often that I now offer them the opportunity to talk in one of our conference rooms which is at least cooler. They often look different in the parking lot. More angry and agitated. I also recall that many years ago, I was doing mediation and for about 20 minutes, the couple spoke to each other and I said nothing. I suggested that they did not need me and they said something which helps explain the parking lot conversations in reverse and another use of a mediator. What the couple said was they needed me because they were on good behavior when I was there. I have thought I could make money and couples could save money if I could sell them a blow up doll version of me. I think the dynamics of this is that people behavior is better with strangers. Once you cease to be a stranger which happens after a while in mediation this is no longer the case. What is happening in the parking lot is that I am not there and they don’t have to be on good behavior and can say things unrestrained. That is why I have always felt there is a window of opportunity to resolve a case. Couples need to take advantage of this opportunity.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(235) 11/10/11

Divorce and Mediation Rings

2011-11-03T15:06:00.001-07:00

The divorce ring was brought to my attention by my younger daughter. I have previously blogged about Divorce Ritual at

http://centerfordivorcemediation.blogspot.com/2008/04/divorce-ritual.html.

The ring is another aspect of Divorce Ritual. The ring pictured above is made of 18K gold and diamonds and was created by Spritzer and Furman. It is available at Alice Kwartler Antiques. The divorce ring costs $3,200. The ring costs more than many divorce mediations I have done. Pity the man who has multiple divorces and must buy a few rings. I can hear wife two saying “You bought one for wife one! I want one too!” I did not think there would be a mediation ring but there is. Jennifer Kahn Jewelry in Vermont has one on her web site. http://jenniferkahnjewelry.com/ See picture of it above. There is no price for the mediation ring but her other rings are about $65. As usual, mediation is less expensive than litigated divorce. I think you can tell the two rings apart. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(234 11/3/11)

Divorce Word Cloud

2011-10-27T10:30:00.002-07:00

Recently, I seem to have a fascination with depicting words. I have seen visualizations of words in the media. With iPhone apps people can now do things that use to take expensive software. I was please to see I could get a free app that would create word clouds. A word cloud is a visual representation for text data, typically used to depict the frequency of each word shown with font size and/or color. The assumption is that important words are larger and in a different color. The word cloud above is a visualization of the documents necessary to start a divorce action in court in Arizona. I had to increase the frequency of a word appearing to at least 20 times and taking out some common words or it would have not been readable. It is interesting to see how the words COURT and YOU are the biggest and most frequent and the word attorney is in the smallest font. The word child is somewhere in between. I am not sure if this is a significant statement about the divorce process but it certainly is interesting. Unfortunately, the word mediation did not show up at all. As I write this, I think I will do another word cloud using the Divorce Memorandum of Understanding and Consent Decree and see how it compares.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(233) 10/27/11

Divorce and Ambigrams

2011-10-20T10:17:00.009-07:00

I am sorry I have not been able to blog for awhile. Just did not seem to have the time. I enjoy blogging and missed it and will try harder to blog at least once a week.

I was fascinated by ambigrams before I knew what they were called. My initials WM and my license plate zwmz are both ambigrams. I learned the name for the first time when I read Dan Brown’s “Angels and Demons.” For those of you who don’t know what an ambigram is the following quote from Wikepedia
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ambigram) explains:
“An ambigram is a typographical design or art form that may be read as one or more words not only in its form as presented, but also from another viewpoint, direction, or orientation. The words readable in the other viewpoint, direction or orientation may be the same or different from the original words. Douglas R. Hofstadter describes an ambigram as a "calligraphic design that manages to squeeze two different readings into the selfsame set of curves." Different ambigram artists (sometimes called ambigramists) may create completely different ambigrams from the same word or words, differing in both style and form.” The above drawing is an ambigram for the word divorce.
My daughter says I can make anything into a blog about mediation. As usual, she is correct. This in part the case because I believe in synergy which may be defined as two or more things functioning together to produce a result not independently obtainable. In this case I am taking ambigrams, divorce and mediation.
In mediating a divorce the parties must look at things from another viewpoint, direction, or orientation but hopefully come up with a similar result. With an ambigram we look at a word in a different way (usually upside down) but see something not only similar but the same. When we do this in mediating a divorce we come up with new and creative solutions to the problems the couple is having resolving their case.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(232) 10/20/11

Divorce Myths

2011-09-14T17:13:00.003-07:00

I recently looked at the old copies of our newsletter called “The Divorce Mediator.” In the June 2003 copy which was our 11th newsletter, we did an article about Divorce Assumptions and Myths. As I am always thinking about potential blogs and programs for Arizona ACR, I thought this would be a good topic to identify mediation myths. As usual I googled “mediation myths.” I was surprised as usual to find there were lots of hits. I am always reminded of Sherlock Holmes saying in “A Study in Scarlet, “There is nothing new under the sun. It has all been done before." As usual Sherlock is correct.

Our list for Connecticut law of divorce myths was:
1. The husband must pay the wife a year of alimony for every two years of marriage.
2. The wife’s alimony terminates when she remarries.
3. The mother always gets physical custody of the children.
4. Assets are equally divided and each person keeps premarital assets.
5. The person who pays child support gets the tax exemption and credit.
6. Property in an individual’s name is not marital property.

Steven H. Kruis in an article on the National Institute for Advanced Conflict Resolution at
http://www.niacr.org/papers/article3.htm listed the following mediation myths.
Myth No. 1: All Mediations are the same -- One Size Fits All.
Myth No. 2: Certain Types of Cases Cannot Be Mediated.
Myth No. 3: Ex Parte Communication before the Mediation Is Improper.
Myth No. 4: When the Case Has Not Settled at the Conclusion of the Mediation Session, the Parties Proceed to Litigation.
Fran Tetunic in an article in the Florida Bar Journal, May, 2008, Volume 82, No. 5 and cited at
http://www.floridabar.org/DIVCOM/JN/JNJournal01.nsf/Articles/E0C6EB07D4D91DA285257435005E4BB9 listed the following mediation myths

1) Everything in Mediation Is Confidential.
2) Confidentiality Prevents a Lawyer-mediator from Reporting Attorney Misconduct During Mediation.
3) A Lawyer-mediator Must Advise Mediation Parties to Seek the Advice of Counsel.
4) If All Parties Waive Any Conflict of Interest Disclosed by the Mediator, the Mediator May Mediate.
5) The Mediation Is Not Over Until the Mediator Declares Impasse.
6) The Mediator Holds the Privilege to Refuse to Disclose Confidential Mediation Communications.
7) The Mediator May Predict an Outcome at Trial if Requested by All the Parties.
8) The Mediator Has the Obligation to Write the Mediated Agreement.
9) Mediators Report to the Court When Parties Fail to Mediate in Good Faith.
10) Mediator Misconduct, Like Legal Malpractice, Does Not Serve as a Basis for Setting Aside a Mediated Agreement.

Do you have any myths? There must be thousands more!

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(231) 9/14/11.

Divorce, West Memphis Three, and Alford Doctrine

2011-08-31T13:48:00.006-07:00

Recently the West Memphis Three, stood up in a courtroom, proclaimed their innocence even as they pleaded guilty, and, minutes later, walked out as free men. This is known as the Alford Plea or Doctrine. In an Alford Plea, the criminal defendant does not admit the act, but admits that the prosecution could likely prove the charge. The court will pronounce the defendant guilty. The defendant may plead guilty yet not admit all the facts that comprise the crime. An Alford plea allows defendant to plead guilty even while unable or unwilling to admit guilt. One example is a situation where the defendant has no recollection of the pertinent events due to intoxication or amnesia. A defendant making an Alford plea maintains his innocence of the offense charged. One reason for making such a plea may be to avoid being convicted on a more serious charge. Acceptance of an Alford plea is in the court's decision. The Alford guilty plea originated in the United States Supreme Court case of North Carolina v. Alford (1970). Henry Alford had been indicted on a charge of first-degree murder in 1963. Evidence in the case included testimony from witnesses that Alford had said after the death of the victim that he had killed the individual. Court testimony showed Alford and the victim argued at the victim's house. Alford left the house, and afterwards the victim received a fatal gunshot wound when he opened the door responding to a knock.
This made me think whether the thinking behind the Alford Doctrine could apply to divorce cases. In fact we probably do. We often have one party who does not agree to for example paying alimony. Under the Alford Doctrine the party would say I don’t believe I should pay alimony but in order to avoid something worse, I will pay it.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(230) 8/31/11s

Divorce and Street Names

2011-08-20T13:07:00.002-07:00

Driving I often see names of streets which I think are funny. This lead me to see if I could find street names which related to divorce. The following is the list so far. Let me know if you have others.

Calle del Divorcio, Bogota, Colombia
401 K Street Northwest, Washington D.C., DC
Alimony Lane, Willow Oak, FL
Asset Avenue, Scott, LA
Attorney Street, New York, NY
Bankrupt Boulevard, Glasgow, MT
Children Street, Waynesville, NC
Custody Circle, CA
Debt Lane, Sumter, SC
Divorce Court, Heather Highlands, Pa.
Faultless Drive, Ashland, OH
Insurance Way, Hagerstown, MD
IRA Street, Fayetteville, NC
Judge Street, New York, NY
Lawyer Street, College Station, TX
Pension Road, Yorketown, NJ
Pension Street, Chincoteague Island, VA
Separation Street, Northcote, Victoria, Australia

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(229) 8/20/11

Divorce Insurance

2011-08-13T14:08:00.001-07:00

Just the other day I thought, I wonder if people would buy divorce insurance? I Googled Divorce Insurance and as usual someone else thought of it first. See article in New York Times on August 6, 2010, entitled “Divorce Insurance (Yes, Divorce Insurance)” by Jennifer Saranow Schultz. See the entire article at http://tiny.cc/cdm8111a. The article says in part, “The casualty insurance is designed to provide financial assistance in the form of cash to cover the costs of a divorce, such as legal proceedings or setting up a new apartment or house. It is sold in “units of protection.” Each unit costs $15.99 per month and provides $1,250 in coverage. So, if you bought 10 units, your initial coverage would be $12,500 and you’d be paying $15.99 per month for each of those units. In addition, every year, the company adds $250 in coverage for each unit. Have not heard of anyone using it and don’t know if mediation is covered. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(228) 8/13/11

How I met Lenard Marlow and Became a Mediator

2011-08-06T15:51:00.000-07:00

A recent article by Lenard Marlow in the quarterly newsletter of the Family Section of the Association for Conflict Resolution’s spring 2011 “family Mediation news” reminded me how I became a mediator and reinforced my philosophy and style of mediation. In 1985, Donald Cohen, a friend and therapist, put me in contact with his father, Dr. Max Cohen, a psychiatrist who co-mediated with Attorney Lenard Marlow in New York. They had a case in Connecticut and needed a Connecticut attorney to complete the case. I was up for trying something new and agreed to take the case. This was my first introduction to Divorce Mediation. I was not happy with a general law practice. I could not keep up with all the changes in all the areas of law and wanted to do one thing well. On a practical note, I also realized that specialist were valued more and compensated appropriately. My Wife, Mary, and I discussed it and she asked what I enjoyed doing. I told her I had like the Divorce Mediation I had done. She suggested that I get training to enhance my skills and have better credibility. I trained with Zena Zumeta and Carl Schneider in Burlington Vermont. After my training I gradually transition my practice to Family law with an emphasis on a non adversarial approach. I liked it so much and thought my Wife, Mary, would too that I encouraged her to do mediate also. We now do co-mediation as well as individual mediation. In his article, Lenard Marlow takes issues with the adversary assumption in mediation. He rather sees it as problem solving. He also sees it as a more creative process. I entirely agree with him. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(227) 8/6/11

Divorce and the Innocent Spouse

2011-07-30T13:38:00.000-07:00

I have always loved the term “innocent spouse.” Its usual context in a divorce case is tax delinquency. Married tax payers who file a joint return with their spouse are generally liable for the taxes of their spouse. However, there are exceptions to this rule. The following are the general requirements:

You must have filed a joint return which has an understatement of tax;

The understatement of tax must be due to erroneous items of your spouse;

You must establish that at the time you signed the joint return, you did not know, and had no reason to know, that there was an understatement of tax;
Taking into account all of the facts and circumstances, it would be unfair to hold you liable for the understatement of tax; and

The IRS has recently made changes to the requirement that you must request relief within 2 years after the date on which the IRS first began collection activity against you. See AP story in July 26, 2011 AZ Star http://tiny.cc/cdm726
When mediating we generally have language that spells out the parties tax liabilities but the IRS does not recognize this and will go after both parties. Hold harmless and indemnification agreement helps but still requires action to collect. Having “innocent spouse” status helps a lot.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(225) 7/27/11

Privatization of Divorce

2011-07-23T17:21:00.000-07:00

With all the controversy over government taxes, expenditures and regulation, the possible solution of privatizing certain government functions arises. This is not a new idea. There was even a 1988 Presidential Commission on Privatization – Toward More Effective Government. See report at http://pdf.usaid.gov/pdf_docs/PNABB472.pdf. The commission’s report did not deal with the judicial system but my research did find Privatization of Judicial Services an article by Doris Marie Provine and Carroll Seron in the Journal of Public Administration Research and Theory: J-PART
Vol. 1, No. 3 (Jul., 1991), pp. 319-336. There are many more articles. What I have thought about recently is whether it is possible and desirable to privatize that portion of the judicial system that is concerned with divorce. This was prompted by watching a recent story on television discussing the layoff of court personnel in the California Judicial system and the expected resulting back logs. It might take years to hear a divorce case. Privatization could reduce some of the cost of the judicial system and speed up the process. Ironically, we actually privatize marriage. A couple obtains a license and the a private party can marry them. The private divorce system might look like this. A couple could get a license to divorce. They would resolve their case with attorneys or mediators and then submit the settlement to a person licensed to grant a divorce. The person does not have to be a lawyer in a therapist may be an excellent person to be licensed to grant divorces. Contested cases or post judgment issues could also be heard by a person licensed to grant a divorce. The couple would pay the person licensed to grant a divorce. Once the divorce was granted, the terms would be filed with the license. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(224) 6/22/11

Divorce, Mediation and the Earth's Children

2011-07-16T15:13:00.005-07:00

I have been listening in my car on CD’s to The Land of the Painted Caves (Earth Children #6) by Jean Auel. All 29 CD’s. Since the CD’s were on reserve I could not renew them and had to take them out a few times. I thought I had read all the others in the series but it turns out that I did not read yet The Shelters of Stone (Earth's Children #5), and The Plains of Passage (Earth's Children #4). I did read The Mammoth Hunters (Earth's Children #3), The Valley of Horses (Earth's Children #2), and The Clan of the Cave Bear (Earth's Children #1). The series started in 1984. I have enjoyed the series. The current books seems to be anthropology text. Auel spends a lot of time talking about these ice age people. I of course was fascinated by her descriptions of marriage and divorce on disk 22, track 12. I also was surprised that she mentioned mediation of a dispute on disk 29, track4. It seems that mediation is older than I thought! As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(223) 7/16/11

George Laskoff, Frames, Divorce, and Mediation

2011-06-15T13:20:00.004-07:00

I am reading “don’t think of an elephant” by George Lakoff. He writes about “Frames” which he defines as “mental structures that shape the way we view the world.” He goes on to say that “when we hear a word, it “Frame” is activated in our brain.” Although the book is geared to politics, it also applies to mediation. This is especially the case since he says that “what pulls all issues together is the Frame of family values. Progressive and conservative positions derive from two opposing paradigms for families. The strict father family model and the nurturant family model. “In mediation we see the same “Frames.” Awareness of “Frames” and the ability to work with “Frames.” makes for a more successful mediation.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(222) 6/15/11

New Center for Divorce Mediation Web Site

2011-05-28T07:03:00.004-07:00

We were one of the earlier mediators to have a web site at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ and have progressed from one that was very primitive to a more sophisticated site. It could be even more sophisticated but we don’t want to change from the old FrontPage software. We recently upgraded our web site and are using more pictures and better content. Picture above is one of our new pictures. We hope it will be more user friendly and helpful. We have also caught some dated material and some typos. We hope you like it. Let us know. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(221) 5/28/10

Charlie Chan and Mediation

2011-05-21T06:28:00.001-07:00

As a young child and in the earlier days of television, I watched portions of many Charlie Chan movies. I always like the repartee between Charlie Chan and his number one son. One of them went like this: Number one son: You're lucky to have your assistant on hand, Pop. Charlie Chan: Assistant? That you? Number one son: Sure! Charlie Chan: Your assistance as welcome as water in sinking ship! Number one son: But you've always said that two men can find a clue quicker than one. Charlie Chan: [he looks from side to side] Where is other man? Do not see other man! When I read the review of Yunte Huang’s book about Charlie Chan, I had to read it. It is a wonderful book and one my favorite parts of the book is the list of Charlie Chanisms in appendix I. Some of these include: Every maybe has a wife called Maybe-Not. Guessing is cheap, but wrong guess expensive. Advice after mistake is like medicine after dead man’s funeral. Biggest mistakes in history made by people who didn’t think. Caution very good life insurance. Door of opportunity swing both ways. A fool and his money never become old acquaintances. Mind, like parachute, only function when open. Race not always won by man who start first. Talk cannot cook rice. Too late to dig well when honorable house is on fire. Truth, like football – receive many kicks before reaching goal. When money talk, fee are deaf. When searching for needle in haystack, haystack only sensible location. The wise elephant does not seek to ape the butterfly. When mediating, I often use aphorisms and humor to make a point. I have added some of these to my list! As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(220) 5/21/11

Interaction Models and Mediation

2011-05-14T06:47:00.003-07:00

Finally read the October 11, 2010 New Yorker magazine. I liked the comment by Nora Ephron in her article about wills where she says, “”When you get divorced, and don’t get the house (like I did), you leave behind all sorts of things you don’t have the sense to know you’ll someday wonder about or feel genuinely nostalgic for.” I went on to read Talent Grab by Malcolm Gladwell where he asks and answers the question, why do we pay our stars so much money? See site to entire article at http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2010/10/11/101011fa_fact_gladwell In the article he quotes Aya Chacar and William Hesterly article in the Managerial and Decision Economic which draws on the work of Alan Page Fiske. They say that, “Fiske is a U.C.L.A. anthropologist who argues that people use one of four models to guide the way they interact with one another: communal sharing, equity matching, market pricing, and authority ranking. Communal sharing is a group of roommates in house who are free to read one another’s books and wear one another’s clothing. Equality matching is a car pool: if I drive your child to school today, you drive my child to school tomorrow. Market pricing is where the terms of exchange are open to negotiations, or subject to the laws of supply and demand. And authority ranking is paternalism: it is a hierarchical system in which “superiors appropriate or pre-empt what they wish.” We see the same interaction in mediation. Being able to identify and understand these interactions makes it easier to deal with them in mediation. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(219) 5/14/11

Purple Cow and Mediation

2011-05-07T07:00:00.000-07:00

Just finished reading the “Purple Cow” by Seth Godin. The book was recommended to me by my good friend and fellow mediator, Rita Pollak. I read it primarily to determine whether I should be doing anything else to make our mediation practice better known. Godin’s concept is transform your business by being remarkable. At the end of the book he gives some slogans which summarize his approach. They include, “Don’t Be Boring”, “Safe is Risky”, “Design New Rules”, and “Very Good is Bad”. The book made me evaluate what I am doing and think outside the box. It made me want to try to experiment with group divorce mediation. As is often the case, it also made me think if the concept also applied to marriage and divorce. When I am mediating I always encourage my clients to be creative, think outside the box, and not to see things as black and white but at least shade of gray if not the colors of the rainbow. I also encourage my clients to be generous and to look for the peace dividend. I can now also tell my clients to also try being remarkable. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (218) 5/7/11

Dr. Strangelove and Mediation

2011-04-30T07:54:00.005-07:00

Believe it or not I often refer to a scene in Stanley Kubrick’s 1964 movie “Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb” when I am mediating. It is the scene where Dr. Strangelove’s left fist slams down and his black-gloved mechanical right arm reflexes into an unintentional Nazi salute ('Sieg Heil'). He pulls his right arm back into his lap, fighting off his own, spring-loaded gloved hand with his good arm. I use it to show clients how sometimes people can’t control what they are doing. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (217) 4/30/11

Judaism As a Civilization and Mediation

2011-04-23T07:46:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to read “Judaism As a Civilization: Toward a Reconstruction of American-Jewish Life” by Mordecai Menahem Kaplan. It is very slow going and I don’t understand a lot but one of the lines in the book captured my imagination. “Obedience to God’s law can give the firmest stability and the most permanent security to human existence.(page 148) It seems to me that in most mediations the parties are seeking stability and security. They are also often seeking superiority. Problem solving which that develops solutions which give the parties stability and security will probably work. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (212) 3/26/11

Alimony Ale

2011-04-16T06:48:00.001-07:00

I love beer and what could be better than mixing my love of beer and mediation. I was shopping for some beer to bring to a friend, spotted the bottle and could not resist buying it. I have not tried it yet but will do a follow up blog when I do. There are lots of beer web sites and iPhone apps. Two had the following to say:

RateBeer.com say, “Buffalo Bill’s Alimony Ale was originally brewed for a customer going through a divorce. It has gained a reputation as one of the most eccentric brews, from reports in the Wall Street Journal and Newsweek. No longer one of the bitterest beers in America, just one of the best. “
Review from Beer Advocate say, “Here comes an American IPA that has a cool name and label, but a less than over the top aroma, taste, etc. That's not necessarily a bad thing. It is very drinkable, deceivingly so. You might not think you are drinking something as strong as it is, thus getting yourself in trouble with the spouse.

It is pretty well balanced, with a bit of a dark, almost Scottish taste. I would drink it again, but won't go out of my way to get more.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(215) 4/16/11

The Freeze, Spring, and Mediation

2011-04-09T06:20:00.002-07:00

We had an unusual low temperature of 19 degrees this winter in Tucson. As a result of the freezing temperature pipes burst and many plants may not survive. Even though many plants don’t look healthy, it is hard to tell which will survive. Now it is spring and many of the plants have dead limbs but also peaking out in new places is new growth. It may take a while for the plants to get back to where they were but they survived. This reminds me of people we help with divorce mediation. They have often suffered a severe emotional experience like the freezing temperatures. With our help there is spring, new growth and not only do they survive but they are even better. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(214) 4/9/11

Expectations in Divorce and Marriage

2011-04-02T07:23:00.002-07:00

When mediating I often find that the expectations of each party makes a big difference. Expectations for the marriage and expectations for the divorce. I thought it would be interesting to research it a little more. As always my first step was to google expectation. I found many interesting article but want to share two of them. The first was at DivorceNet.com. The entire article is at http://www.divorcenet.com/states/massachusetts/expectations_in_divorce
It is easier to quote three significant paragraph.

“The most important factor in determining the outcome in divorce situations is expectations. If expectations are realistic the divorce experience will be less traumatic. On the other hand, fantastic expectations will likely result in great trauma for the entire family unit. To help keep the expectations in a more realistic range, the following concepts should be considered.
Many people tend to forget that the spouse they are divorcing is the same person with whom they wanted to spend the rest of their life. The person they chose was a decent human being then, and that person is still a decent human being even though divorce is imminent.
When a couple get married they are usually in similar emotional states dreaming the same dream. By the time a divorce happens they have taken the same emotional journey, and both have experienced similar amounts of pain. There is a difference, however, in that one very often has felt some pain day after day for a very long period of time, while the other felt the pain in a shortened period of time at the end of the marriage. Both of these people have seen the dream vanish....
To obtain the best outcome of your divorce, it is essential to make decisions based on law and logic, and emphatically not based on emotion. Judges are not primarily concerned with the emotions of the parties. They are not concerned at all with the parties' ideas of fairness. Making decisions about the divorce should be undertaken just as you would make rational decisions about investments. Instead of choosing which stocks or bonds to invest in, you are choosing to invest in legal fees and appraisal fees or to make concessions. Decisions should be based on the amount of return, as well as considerations of the children, and not on the need for revenge or to "win."”
The other article entitled Coping with Client Expectations in Divorce was in by James Kochalka in the February, 1998 Volume LXXII, No.2 Florida Bar Journal athttp://www.floridabar.org/divcom/jn/jnjournal01.nsf/Author/F50D6B07B04E780B85256ADB005D61A5
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (213) 4/2/11

Mediation and the Good Wife

2011-03-26T06:27:00.002-07:00

Mediation is gradually being included as part of the plot in movies and TV. The movies Juno and the Wedding Cashers and the television shows Fairly Legal, Once Again and Starter Wife come to mind. The March 22, 2011 episode of “The Good Wife” http://www.tv.com/video/10528746/the-good-wife--ham-sandwich includes divorce mediation. In the show there are witnesses giving testimony including a child and the mediator says he will make recommendations about custody. There are also attorney present and the mediator exercises no control. It is good that the public is being made aware of mediation as an option. The problem is that mediation is not portrayed accurately or positively. The mediators are either wimpy or inappropriate. They are rarely impartial. They usually evaluate instead of facilitate. I don’t know if this is because the writers don’t really know mediation or the writers portrayal of mediation is more entertaining. The problem is that it gives the public the wrong idea about mediation. Although more people may use mediation, they will have the wrong expectations. Hopefully, the mediator will be able to correct these misconceptions. The more I think about it, the more I realize this is true of most movies and television shows. For example, in law shows, the trial is always instantaneous. This never happens in real life. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (216) 4/23/11

Pancakes, All in the Family and the Correct Method for Simple Tasks

2011-03-19T06:39:00.003-07:00

We often have breakfast at the B Line. We love their special pancakes and usually split a tall stack. I realized that there are two ways of dividing the stack of six pancakes in two. You can either take three whole pancakes off the top or you can cut the whole stack in the middle so each person has six half pancakes. At first I thought there was only the first method but when my Wife divided using the second method, I not only realized there were two ways but that I liked her way better. This also reminds me of a very funny scene in “All in the Family” where there is a disagreement over the correct way to do a simple task. Archie (Carroll O’Connor) and Mike (Rob Reiner) are arguing over the correct way to put on socks and shoes was a sock and a sock and a shoe and a shoe (Archie's way), or a sock and a shoe and a sock and a shoe (Mike's way). Archie's reasoning: If there's a fire in the house, with two socks on, you could run outside and be even. Mike's reasoning: What if it's snowing outside? Archie's way, his feet would get wet. Mike's way, he could hop around on one foot and stay dry. It is the last scene on this YouTube clip http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8JSEjQF-S-8 There are many other examples of tasks which seem obvious to one person and not to another. In mediation this happens all the time. One person thinks that the answer to the question such as how to pay for the children’s college education is obvious. It is not and reasonable people can disagree. The important thing is that each person recognizes this and move on to the next step of problem solving an acceptable answer. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (211) 3/19/11

Army Inspection, Divorce, and Mediation

2011-03-12T04:52:00.002-07:00

It is hard to believe but I served for six years in the U.S Army Reserves in a military intelligence unit. I was only on active duty for four months and two weeks each summer for six years from 1969 to 1975. I probably would have stayed in if they had completed my application to be a Warrant Officer. I did my basic training at Fort Bragg, NC and my advanced training as an interrogator of prisoners of war at Fort Meade, MD. I believe my MOS (Military Occupation Specialty) was 97E1O. Basic training was quite the experience and it taught me a lot about myself and life. One such useful memory concerned our daily barracks inspection by our drill sergeants. We cleaned the barracks so you could eat off the floor and even used basso on the fire extinguishers but often did not pass inspection. We finally learned the trick. The drill sergeants would use a grease pencil and put little marks on the tile in the bathroom. If you cleaned off the mark, you passed inspection but if you did not clean it off you did not pass inspection no matter how clean the barrack were. The same is true for mediation and getting a divorce. You need to know where the equivalent “grease pencil marks” are. If you don’t, no matter how good the agreement is, it may not work or get approved by the court.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (210 ) 3/12/11

Mediation and Mario Cuomo

2011-03-05T06:24:00.002-07:00

I was pleased to see that Mario Cuomo was appointed the mediator in the Madoff/ Mets case. See follow up article in February 19, 2011 New York Times at http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/19/sports/baseball/19cuomo.html. Articles like this make the public more aware of mediation as an option to settle disputes. This is very necessary if mediation is ever going to an option equivalent to or better than litigation. The measure of success will be when mediation is chosen before litigation and not after litigation has started. The article highlights the issue of what is a mediator, although not by name. The style of mediation often confuses potential users of mediation. See my July 24, 2010 Blog on Styles of Mediation which discusses facilitative, evaluative, and transformative mediation. Parties should always be aware of the style of their mediator. Cuomo like most lawyers who have not been trained by programs approved by the Academy of Family Mediation and its successor the Association for Conflict Resolution is an evaluative mediator who uses power mediation to settle cases. As the article says, Cuomo is a skilled problem-solver, not a neutral mediator. He is intuitive enough to come up with interesting solutions.
The article also importantly points out that mediators cannot force the parties to settle. This is both a weakness and a strength. It makes it hard to resolve the case but makes for a more lasting and satisfying settlement. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (209 ) 3/5/11

Mediation the Cairn for Getting Divorced

2011-02-26T11:18:00.008-07:00

Recently, I was hiking in Sabino Canyon on the Rattlesnake Trail. I notice many cairns on the trail. A cairn is a mound of stones piled up as a memorial or to mark a boundary or path and this case not a small rough-haired breed of terrier from Scotland. I had do go back to my Boy Scouts Handbook for Boys to remind me of what the different cairns mean. They include: This is not the trail. Turn right. Turn left. Danger Help. See pictures above. It occurred to me that a trail and cairns are a metaphor for getting a divorce. Hopefully, it will not be the Rattlesnake Trail. The couple must follow a trail and if not careful can get lost. Mediation is the cairn of divorce. It helps you on the trail and keeps the couple from getting lost. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (208) 2/26/11

Ketubah Update

2011-02-19T06:40:00.001-07:00

Great minds think a like! In the February 11, 2011 New York Times Samuel G. Freedman did an article about ketubahs (actually the plural in Hebrew is ketubot) on entitled “Christians Embrace a Jewish Wedding Tradition.” For the article seehttp://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/12/us/12religion.html.
The article goes on to say that couples are using the ketubah as a way of affirming the Jewish roots of their faith. “Embracing this Jewish tradition just brings a richness that we miss out on sometimes as Christians when we don’t know the history,” said Mrs. Austin. “Jesus was Jewish, and we appreciate his culture, where he came from.” Beyond its specific basis in Judaism, the ketubah represented to the Austins a broader concept of holiness, of consecration. “We wanted a permanent reminder of the covenant we made with God,” Mrs. Austin said. “We see this document superseding the marriage license of a state or a court.”
Non Jewish couples are also using other customs like the huppah or wedding canopy. The article did not say so but I bet couples also have the groom stomp on a glass at the end too with the guests shouting "Mazel Tov!" If the couple gets divorced, will the couples be get a “get” or Jewish divorce too! Only time will tell.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (207) 2/19/11

Mediation and the Jump Ball

2011-02-12T07:06:00.003-07:00

I was always tall for my age so was encouraged to play basketball. I was awful. Thought too much and did not play automatically. Played Biddy Basketball for the Laurels AC with our orange and black uniforms. I was also the third string center for West Rocks Junior High School team in Norwalk, Connecticut. I was the only player not to score any points. The only basket I made was nullified for a goal tending violation. My ongoing claim to fame was to have been on the same team and Calvin Murphy. He was only 5’ 8” but went on to play for the Houston Rockets and made the Hall of Fame. Ed Mewing was our coach. I continue to follow basketball. As a graduate of the University of Connecticut, I can’t resist watching our Women’s Basketball team. As a resident of Tucson, I follow the University of Arizona’s Women’s Basketball team.

What does this all have to do with mediation? As I have recently watched the games, I realized that the jump ball or now the opening tip is only used to start a half. When I played basketball and two players both grabbed the ball, there was a jump ball to determine possession.

Now since about 1981, most competitions use the alternating possession rule to settle all jump ball situations after the opening tip. This uses a possession arrow on the scorekeeper's table. Whenever such a jump ball situation occurs, the team whose basket that the possession arrow is currently pointing to gets the ball. The arrow then swaps to point to the other team. At the start of the game, the arrow points to the team that lost the opening tip.
In mediation and in particular divorce mediation, we have to determine possession. Who has possession of the children, the cars, the home, the bank accounts and much more. More often than not and especially in a litigated divorce, the dispute is settled with an approach similar to a jump ball. In mediation we don’t always alternate possession but we often use that or another approach which is less competitive than a jump ball. It not only speeds up the process but seems to work better.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (206) 2/12/11

Happy Marriage

2011-02-05T07:06:00.002-07:00

Enjoyed Tara Parker-Pope’s January 2, 2011 article in the NewYork Times entitled “The Happy Marriage is the ‘Me’ Marriage.”

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/02/weekinreview/02parkerpope.html
She says,

“A lasting marriage does not always signal a happy marriage. Plenty of miserable couples have stayed together for children, religion or other practical reasons.
But for many couples, it’s just not enough to stay together. They want a relationship that is meaningful and satisfying. In short, they want a sustainable marriage.
‘The things that make a marriage last have more to do with communication skills, mental health, social support, stress — those are the things that allow it to last or not,” says Arthur Aron, a psychology professor who directs the Interpersonal Relationships Laboratory at the State University of New York at Stony Brook. “But those things don’t necessarily make it meaningful or enjoyable or sustaining to the individual.’
The notion that the best marriages are those that bring satisfaction to the individual may seem counterintuitive. After all, isn’t marriage supposed to be about putting the relationship first? “

This may explain why I see so many couples in mediation who seem to have a happy marriage but are getting divorced.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (205) 2/5/11

Divorce Facts and Annie Hall

2011-01-29T06:58:00.001-07:00

In mediation, people often see the same facts differently. I like using references to movies to give people a new perspective. To show how people can use the same facts and draw a different conclusion I refer to a scene in the 1977 Woody Allen movie, Annie Hall. You can see the clip on Youtube at http://youtu.be/GFz2csc9qew It goes like this:

[Alvy (Woody Allen) and Annie (Diane Keaton) are seeing their therapists at the same time on a split screen]
Alvy Singer's Therapist: How often do you sleep together?
Annie Hall's Therapist: Do you have sex often?
Alvy Singer: [lamenting] Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.
Annie Hall: [annoyed] Constantly. I'd say three times a week.
Alvy is “Hardly” and Annie is “Constantly.”

Same facts different conclusion. The reference to the movie may not convince people but it usually helps the parties get by the impasse.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM (201) 1/6/11

Divorce and Marriage Acronyms

2011-01-20T06:39:00.005-07:00

An acronym is an abbreviation that is formed using the initial components in a phrase or name. These components may be individual letters or parts of words. There are many acronyms used in divorce and marriage. Some of the major one are the following:
QDRO (Qualified Domestic Relations Order) It is a domestic relations order that creates or recognizes the existence of an alternate payee's right to receive, or assigns to an alternate payee the right to receive, all or a portion of the benefits payable with respect to a participant under a retirement plan, and that includes certain information and meets certain other requirements.
COBRA (Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act) It gives workers and their families who lose their health benefits the right to choose to continue group health benefits provided by their group health plan for limited periods of time under certain circumstances such as voluntary or involuntary job loss, reduction in the hours worked, transition between jobs, death, divorce, and other life events. Qualified individuals may be required to pay the entire premium for coverage up to 102 percent of the cost to the plan.

QMCSO (Qualified Medical Child Support Order) It is a court order used to enforce an order for a health plan participant to provide child support health benefits. It requires a health plan to include a child as covered under a health plan, even if the child(ren) or the participant do not meet the conditions of the health plan. A QMSCO is typically used to gain coverage for a child under a non-custodial parent's group health plan. It is normally obtained by a divorced or separated spouse or by a state child support or Medicaid agency. The order authorizes withholding the participant's share of the cost for coverage from their pay. They may not drop coverage for the child without proof that the QMSCO is no longer in effect

DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act) It is a law that that states that no state (or other political subdivision within the United States) needs to treat as a marriage a same-sex relationship considered a marriage in another state and the federal government defines marriage as a legal union between one man and one woman.
These are some other acronyms:

BIC = Best Interests of the Child
BIL = Brother In Law
BF = Biological Father
BM = Biological MotherCD = Consent Decree
CO = Court Order
COC = Change Of Custody
CP = Custodial Parent
CPS = Child Protective Services
CS = Child Support
CSE = Child Support Enforcement
FERPA = Family Educational Rights & Privacy Act
FIL = Father In Law
FOR = Father Of Record
GAL = Guardian Ad Litem
GP = Grand Parents
HOH = Head Of Household
FIL = Father In Law
MIL = Mother In Law
MOU = Memorandum of Understanding
MSA = Marital Settlement Agreement
MSOL = Marital Standard Of Living
NCP = Non Custodial Parent
OM = Other Man
OW = Other Woman
OSD/OSS = Oldest Step Daughter/Oldest Step Son
PAS = Parental Alienation Syndrome
PKPA = Parental Kidnapping Prevention Act
QDRO = Qualified Domestic Relations Order
RO = Restraining Order
SAHM = Stay At Home Mom
SC = Step Child or Children
SF = Step Father
SM = Step Mother
SD = Step Daughter
SIL = Sister In Law
SKIDS = Step Kids
SS = Step Son
STBX = Soon To Be Ex
SO = Significant Other
SIL = Sister In Law
TRO = Temporary Restraining Order
UIFSA = Uniform Interstate Family Support Act
UCCJA = Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction Act

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (203) 1/20/11

twitter

2011-01-13T05:56:00.005-07:00

I am surprised that I have not done a blog about twitter and my tweets. Our twitter page is http://twitter.com/CTRDivMediation Our blog and twitter pages compliment each other. Each refers to the other. It can be a challenge to do a tweet with only 140 characters but it can also be a challenge to write a longer blog. Sometimes I do the same topic on both. Tweets are more immediate and blogs more in depth. It is fun to do each. You should read both. I hope they impart some wisdom, fun, and help.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (202) 1/13/11

Ketubahs, Divorce, and Marriage

2011-01-04T13:35:00.001-07:00

We have often joked how I was surprised the day I got married when the Rabbi, who happened to be my brother in law, asked me if I would agree to divorce my Wife. I guess I should have taken my own advice and read the papers, in this case the Ketubah (Jewish marriage contract), in advance. Not that I would not have signed it. I would have also liked one suitable for framing as I like the blending of Jewish ritual and art. It has taken me 37 years but I finally got around to reading it again. The Ketubah has 22 lines of which 7 deal with divorce. It says, “And both together agreed that if this marriage shall ever be dissolved under civil laws, then either Husband or Wife may invoke the authority of the Beth Din of the Rabbical Assembly and the Jewish Theological Seminary of America or it duly authorized representatives, to decide what action by either spouse is then appropriate under Jewish matrimonial law; and if either spouse shall fail to honor the demand of the other or to carry out the decision of the Beth Din or its representatives then the other spouse may invoke any and all remedies available in civil law and equity to enforce compliance with the Beth Din’s decisions and this solemn obligation.” This is the famous “Lieberman Clause” named after Saul Lieberman, a professor at the Jewish Theological Seminary. The “Lieberman Clause” is necessary because only Jewish men can agree to a religious divorce (known as a Get). In order to avoid men using granting the divorce as a weapon in a civil divorce, the Husband agrees in advance to a Jewish Divorce. See my blogs on Religious Marriage and Divorce on March 10, 2008 and LA Law and Divorce on June 26, 2010. The rest of our Ketubah deals with declarations of how we will behave in the marriage. I found it very sexist. It is based on the Torah. The only common declaration is that we will love each other. My Wife must fulfill all the duties incumbent upon a Jewish Wife. I must protect and support her. Fortunately, the content of Ketubahs have greatly changed since we were married. If you Google Ketubah, you will find a great deal of interesting material. Our marriage license was mysteriously filed two years late but that is another story. However, before the license was filed late, we needed proof of marriage to change a passport name and our Ketubah was filed instead. It may be the only Ketubah on file in Connecticut.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (204) 1/27/11

Divorce, Mediation, Wisdom, Humor, and the Comics

2010-12-29T08:59:00.003-07:00

This is my 200th blog! A good way to end the year. America has a long tradition of humor in disguise that is imparting sound advice and wisdom. From before Will Rodgers to Jon Stewart there have been commentators about American life. I would also include the comics in the newspaper. For some reason, I had stopped reading the comics but have recently started reading them first every day. I am impressed how they depict the universality of our experiences and of course for me the issues of marriage, divorce, and mediation. A recent example which caught my eye was the November 30, 2010 “Sally Forth” comic strip by Francesco Marciuliano. See it above. Ted thinks the broken Christmas ornament is a symbol that their marriage is broken and Sally reassures him that it may only mean the other ornaments in the box are broken. It shows how in a marriage things can be viewed as a crisis or just an accident. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (200) 12/29/10

Divorce Automat

2010-12-22T18:04:00.002-07:00

When I was growing up and visited New York City, we often ate at the Horn and Hardart Automat. My favorite dish was their macaroni and cheese. I never have had better. I also remember buying milk and not knowing I was suppose to put a glass under the ornate silver spout. I miss the automat and was thrilled to see a part of it at the Smithsonian. What does this have to do with mediation? Not too much but I wanted to use a picture of the automat. Although, I think many divorcing couples would like to have a Divorce Automat. They would like to put their money in the slot, open the door, and pull out the answers to their issues. Some computer programs can do a little of this but it takes a little more work on the part of the couple. More likely, they will buy a few options, taste them, and decide which one they like the best. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (199) 12/22/10

Study of Outcomes of Mediated vs. Adversary Divorce

2010-12-15T08:36:00.002-07:00

Believe it or not, as far as I know, we conducted the first statistically significant study of financial outcomes in divorces. We compared results of both mediated and adversarial cases. An article about the study appeared in The New York Times and complete results were published in Mediation Quarterly. You can see the details of our study at our web site at http://tiny.cc/cdmstudy.
Some of the things the study found were differences in percentage of family income women received, in percentage of liabilities women received, in the likelihood of receiving alimony or in the amount of alimony obtained in mediated versus adversarial divorces. Similar percentages of couples, 62% in both mediated and adversary divorces, selected joint legal/wife physical as the most popular choice of custody arrangement and identical numbers of days per month were spent by children with father, 9.5, and mother 20.5. It also found that mediated divorces took less time than adversarial divorces and were significantly less likely to result in post-judgment modification, thus sparing couples and families added emotional and financial costs.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (198) 12/15/10

Investing in Divorce

2010-12-07T23:47:00.005-07:00

Just when you think there is nothing new with divorce, something new comes along. I was fascinated with the article in the December 4, 2010 New York Times by Binyamin Applebaum entitled “ Taking Sides in a Divorce, Chasing Profit.” See entire article at http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/05/business/05divorce.html
Balance Point Divorce Funding, a new Beverly Hills lender offers to cover the cost of breaking up — paying a lawyer, searching for hidden assets, maintaining a lifestyle — in exchange for a share of the winnings. The article say, “Stacey Napp, a lawyer by training who has spent her career in finance, founded Balance Point last year with money from her own divorce. Since then, she has provided more than $2 million to 10 women seeking divorces. She says she is helping to ensure both sides can defend their interests.” Personally, I believe that if the parties looked at the bottom line, they would each get a lot more money if they mediated. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (197) 12/7/10

Divorce and Fairness

2010-12-01T13:56:00.005-07:00

In a mediation couples usually feel that the standard of resolving a dispute is usually “fairness.” Unfortunately, like beauty fairness is in the eyes of the beholder. The standard that I prefer as a mediator is “acceptable.” Contemplation of “fairness” has lead me to determine what is the popular view of “fairness.” Wikipedia gives a good overview of “fair division” at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fair_division. It says in part: “Fair division, also known as the cake cutting problem, is the problem of dividing a resource in such a way that all recipients believe that they have received a fair amount. The problem is easier when recipients have different measures of value of the parts of the resource: in the "cake cutting" version, one recipient may like marzipan, another prefers cherries, and so on—then, and only then, the n recipients may get even more than what would be one n-th of the value of the "cake" for each of them. On the other hand, the presence of different measures opens a vast potential for many challenging questions and directions of further research. There are a number of variants of the problem. The definition of 'fair' may simply mean that they get at least their fair proportion, or harder requirements like envy-freeness may also need to be satisfied. The theoretical algorithms mainly deal with goods that can be divided without losing value. The division of indivisible goods, as in for instance a divorce, is a major practical problem. Chore division is a variant where the goods are undesirable. Fair division is often used to refer to just the simplest variant. That version is referred to here as proportional division or simple fair division.” I wonder if the “cake cutting problem” actually begins at the wedding. More about the "cake cutdtting problem" as a tool in medidation in my March 21, 2008 blog on Divorce Proverbs and Aphorisms at
http://centerfordivorcemediation.blogspot.com/2008/03/divorce-proverbs-and-aphorisms.html. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (196) 12/1/10

Divorce and Thanksgiving

2010-11-24T06:00:00.007-07:00

With Thanksgiving Dinner this month, I thought about the divorce issues that the holiday highlights. When we mediate parenting issues we usually allocate holidays. Very often the parents alternate holiday years. For example, the Mother may have Thanksgiving with her children in even years and the Father in odd years. But there is still the issue of whether Thanksgiving is a one day or four day holiday. If it is only one day, one parent may celebrate on Friday. There are many other issues including transportation, new significant others, and of course the menu! These issues don’t go away when there are adult children. On occasion parents decide to still celebrate together. The possibility of family dinners after divorce was recently discussed by Laurie David in an article in the new divorce feature in the Huffington Post. See the entire article at http://www.huffingtonpost.com/laurie-david/my-family-dinner-after-di_b_779277.html If this does not work for Thanksgiving there is always Christmas and Chanukah. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (195) 11/24/10

Passing a Baton in Divorce and Mediation

2010-11-07T16:28:00.005-07:00

Not sure I can easily explain this but I have always been fascinated how people pass an object or a baton to someone else and usually know when the other person has it and when it can be released without the object or baton falling. I can’t explain how people know they have the object or baton but it seems to be instinctive. There may be a subtle difference in the feel of the object or baton or one of the human senses. I googled and found the following from Brainz in response to the question, “How many human senses?

“We are taught in school that the body has five senses: sight, hearing, touch, taste and smell. However, experts now believe that there are quite a lot more—and the total number depends on the expert you are talking to and the definition they give to the word “sense.”
Some say that there are nine senses. Aside from the basic five, they include thermoception, nociception, equilibrioception, and proprioception. They also include the feeling of hunger and thirst. For them, a sense must be linked to particular sense organ that registers and interprets a stimuli. Hunger and thirst are also sometimes included. They do not include any interpretations made primarily by the brain. That is why they don’t think of intuition as a sense (even though many people call it the “sixth sense.” For them, intuition does not just perceive data from real experience, but makes a quick judgment based on data gathered by several sensory organs.” http://brainz.org/how-many-human-senses-are-there/

I am not sure which human senses are involved in passing an object or if it is something else. But what has this to do with my usual topic of divorce and mediation? My take is that in divorce and mediation that there are things going on which we don’t understand or are not aware of but effect the results. The parties ultimately also want a “clean handoff.” As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM (194) 11/7/10

Divorce and Home Inspections

2010-10-31T07:05:00.004-07:00

Occasionally I come across a new and useful divorce tip. An October 27, 2010 blog by Jennifer Saranow Schultz in the New York Times was very good. See it at http://nyti.ms/cdm1031 It suggests a home inspection before a couple gets divorced and before an appraisal. I have found that couples very often know that certain repairs need to be made but there could be repairs that they are not aware of. This could especially be a problem if as usually the case, retains 100% ownership of the house. Divorcing couples don’t like to spend more money but this could save them a lot in the long run. This is probably a good idea with other assets such as cars. I have a colleague, who suggests that each party also gets a physical before divorcing. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(193) 10/31/10

Most Expensive Divorces

2010-10-08T13:26:00.004-07:00

I always thought high profile litigated divorces settlements were high but did not know how high. Finally, I thought to Google and found a Wikipedia page on Most Expensive Divorces. It listed the following listed below at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_most_expensive_divorces. They are not adjusted for inflation and I am not sure if they include attorney’s fees. Needless to say when I Googled “Most Expensive Mediations” the closest I got was “Most Expensive Medications.” By the way, Alexion Pharmaceutical's Soliris, at $409,500 a year, is the world's single most expensive drug!
• Rupert Murdoch's divorce from Anna Murdoch; reputedly "the most expensive divorce in history" at $1.7 billion
• Adnan Khashoggi's divorce from Soraya Khashoggi; estimated at $874 million
• Craig McCaw's divorce from Wendy McCaw; estimated to exceed $460 million
• Michael Jordan's divorce from Juanita Jordan; estimated to exceed $150 million and was considered by Forbes Magazine to be "the most expensive celebrity divorce" in history, as of April 2007
• Charles Edgar Fipke $200 million
• Neil Diamond's divorce from Marcia Murphey; estimated at $150 million
• Harrison Ford's divorce from Melissa Mathison; estimated at $118 million
• Greg Norman's divorce from Laura Andrassy; estimated at $103 million
• Tiger Woods' divorce from Elin Nordegren; estimated at $100 million
• Steven Spielberg's divorce from Amy Irving; estimated at $100 million
• Madonna's divorce from Guy Ritchie; estimated at $90 million
• Kevin Costner's divorce from Cindy Silva; estimated at $80 million
• Kenny Rogers divorce from Marianne Rogers; estimated at $60 million
• James Cameron's divorce from Linda Hamilton; estimated to exceed $50 million
• Paul McCartney's divorce from Heather Mills; estimated at $48.6 million
• Michael Douglas' divorce from Diandra Douglas; estimated at $45 million
• Ted Danson's divorce from Casey Coats; estimated at $30 million
• Donald Trump's divorce from Ivana Trump; estimated at $25 million
• Lionel Richie's divorce from Diane Richie; estimated at $20 million
• Mick Jagger's divorce from Jerry Hall; estimated between $15 and $25 million

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(192) 10/8/10

Non-Divorce or Un-Divorce Update

2010-09-25T10:02:00.003-07:00

I blogged about this topic on March 8, 2009 in a blog called “Non-Divorce Divorce or Separating without Divorcing.” See blog at http://centerfordivorcemediation.blogspot.com/search?q=non-divorce. Pamela Paul wrote an article in the July 30, 2010 New York Times entitled “The Un-Divorced” See entire article at

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/01/fashion/01Undivorced.html. She makes many of the same points I did. Couples should weigh the pros and cons of this option.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(191) 9/25/10

Divorce Games Part 3

2010-09-18T15:10:00.004-07:00

Final part of three part series on Divorce Games. What could be better than a Divorce Party and games. The following is an article by Isabella Gladd from from

http://www.lifescript.com/Body/Food/Entertain/Party/Divorce_Party_Ideas_For_The_Newly_Single.aspx?p=1

It is a wonderful road map.

“Going through a divorce is one of the most difficult events of life, but when it is over, throw a divorce party and begin a new life. No one gets married hoping to see the demise of the marriage, but bad things happen to good people all the time. It is easy to get so caught up in the downside of divorce that finding the silver lining in the cloud seems impossible. Go ahead and be frivolous and silly. Invite your closest friends to join you at your divorce party.

Who Not To Invite To a Divorce Party
First and foremost, do not invite your children no matter how old they are. Children feel loyalty to both parents and should never be put in the middle or feel they must choose. Divorce parties are no place for children. While you are at it, do not invite your parents either. Who knows what might happen at a crazy party where emotions run high?

Unless you have a close friend from work that you trust, do not invite colleagues. The last thing you need is a co-worker to go back to work on Monday morning and share the antics of your party with the rest of the office.

So who should you invite? Only invite your nearest and dearest friends who have seen you through this difficult time in life. These are the people who offered a shoulder to cry on, who held you up when you thought you would fall, and who made you laugh when tears threatened to blind you.

Divorce Party Ideas
A divorce party is a wake for a dead marriage. People celebrate rites of passage, milestones in life, beginnings and ends. Why should a divorce be any different?
A divorce is a life-altering change and should be recognized as such. Similar to the death of a loved one, you want to cry and you have that right. Perhaps your marriage and divorce was a comedy of errors and laughing sets the healing process in motion, laugh all you want. A bitter divorce battle that lagged on is finally over and you feel anger: let it out in healthy ways. A divorce party allows you to feel the emotions and move on.

If you enjoy wine and cocktails, more than likely alcohol will be involved. Be prepared ahead of time to have friends stay the night.

Make the party whatever you want it to be. It can be an elegant gathering with a gourmet dinner, wine and music. It can also be a casual affair with balloons, cake and cocktails. More than likely you will want to include your favorite comfort foods and for one day enjoy the freedom of eating whatever you like.

You can purchase divorce party invitations or make them yourself. Write up a divorce announcement similar to a wedding invitation that reads: Ms. Jane Doe cordially invites you to attend the celebration of the first day of her new-found freedom. Give all the juicy details of date, time and RSVP if necessary.
Divorce Party Cake
One of the most important parts of the dinner or party is the cake. Just as you had cake for your wedding, serve cake at your divorce party. Order a cake from a decorator and make it wild and funny. A cake in the shape of specific parts of the male anatomy may bring some form of pleasure by eating it or tossing it out. It may sound like a raucous thing to do, but if it helps heal the hurt, go for it.

For the more genteel divorcee, a three-layer cake similar to a wedding cake with graffiti written on the virginal white allows for personality. Hand the cake decorator a list of words that you would like written on the cake in bold, bright letters like: It’s over! Buh-bye! Kiss this… or your anniversary date in a circle with a line through it (think Ghost Busters).

The other way to approach the cake and the party is to view it as a new beginning filled with hope for future happiness. Be inventive and fun when coming up with ideas for a cake.

Divorce Party Games
The games you play at a divorce might not be exactly games, but think of them as harmless fun. Play pin the nose on the ex, as long as it doesn’t bother you having a picture of him blown up and an odd nose made to stick on his face.
Part of the games could be tearing your marriage license into tiny pieces and setting them on fire. Read the divorce proclamation with a voice of authority.

Rent some fun movies about divorce and have them running in the background while the party proceeds. The War of the Roses, Waiting to Exhale and First Wives Club come to mind as funny movies about divorce that should get a few hoots and hollers.

Make a list of all the things your ex did that agitated or angered you. Have guests write down things that agitated them as well. Everybody places their aggravations in a jar. The jar is then buried in an out-of-the-way place in the backyard. In essence, you are burying the past and opening yourself up to the future.

Divorce Party Favors
Let all your guests share in your independence by giving them a small token of the day. A bag of tea, bubble bath or nail polish can be purchased with the date of your divorce on the label. Create CDs of your favorite break-up tunes and share them with all your friends at the party. You can find just about anything you want online and at party stores when it comes to party favors.

Wrap the gifts in wild paper and tie with a clashing color of ribbon. Set the gifts next to the door and give each guest a divorce-party favor as she leaves.
Divorce Party Don’ts
Depending on the alcohol intake, a divorce party might instill the idea that anything goes. Keep things from getting out of hand and never allow yourself or guests to indulge in any of the following “dirty deal” divorce games:

* Forget about having a male stripper come to entertain. This is about a new-found freedom and becoming an independent woman without sexual overtones.

*Resist the urge to make anonymous phone calls to the ex to berate or humiliate him.

*Keep the video recorders and tape recorders out of the party. No one outside your close circle of friends need know how you celebrated your divorce.

*Refrain from burning love letters from you ex and especially wedding pictures. Instead, pack them away and save them for your children who may appreciate them one day.

*Do not write a scathing letter to you ex no matter how bitter and brutal the divorce battle was.

*Do no burn or mutilate the divorce decree. You never know when you might need it.

The idea of a divorce party is to help heal an open wound. No one is making fun of the commitment of marriage and love.
By openly sharing the pain of negotiations, lawyers and legal battles, divorcees can laugh, breathe a sigh of relief, and even cry with a network of supportive friends. Once the decree is final, there is no going back. Independence looms on the horizon, creating fear and anticipation of starting a new life as a single woman.

Make a divorce party a rite of passage; one that moves you into the future.”

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(190) 9/18/10

Divorce Games Part 2

2010-09-11T15:03:00.002-07:00

Usually I try to summarize articles and then give the web link. Not easy to do with this article which discusses the games parties play in divorce litigation. I am showing the entire article from Lifescripts by Laura Johnson entitled “Divorce Schemes and Power Games. http://www.smartdivorce.com/articles/dirty.shtml
“Divorce can be a dirty business when in the hands of lawyers who play power games to gain an unfair advantage over the other side. The same applies for angry, vindictive soon-to-be ex-spouses who have a "win at all costs" attitude. If this happens in your divorce, there are few things that you can do to control the other side, but there are several things you can do to prepare and manage the divorce.
The first thing to do is recognize a scheme and power play when you see it. The second thing is to not lose your cool and try to fight fire with fire. It will only cause things to escalate and your entire family will suffer. The final step is to think ahead and plan positive steps to counter your spouse's power game. Get outside help if necessary.
The following list has descriptions and examples of some of those nasty tricks lawyers and their clients will sometimes pull. If your lawyer recommends that you do this, he or she is setting you up to take unfair advantage of your soon-to-be ex-spouse. If you do these things, don't be surprised if your actions come back to haunt you after the divorce!
• Take the money out of jointly held bank accounts, put it all into an account in your name alone and don't tell your spouse about it beforehand. Then let your spouse handle the problems associated with covering the bounced checks. This causes the most confusion and distress if your spouse usually writes the checks to pay the household bills.
• Use credit cards to purchase and stock up on personal items or make large purchases. Make sure to use the cards for which your spouse is the primary cardholder. This is especially effective at the beginning or near the end of a divorce. One lawyer actually told her client to go out the day before the settlement hearing and use her husband's credit cards to purchase all the items she needed to set up her new household. Her husband would then be stuck with the bills because he had agreed to be responsible for the debt on his credit card as of the day of the divorce, which he didn't know contained the charges made by his wife.
• If you have moved out of the family home and are the primary source of income for the family, refuse to pay any household bills or send any support until you are forced to do it by the court. This is one of the steps in a routine called "Starve Out The Other Spouse". The goal is to get the other spouse in a financial position where he or she, out of desperation, will accept an unfair settlement.
• If your spouse doesn't have an income withholding order, wait until the latest possible day to pay support money, even if you've got the money to send. In some states support doesn't become delinquent until it's 30 days past due and your spouse can't do anything to you until the 31st day. Never mind that your spouse just might need the money to pay bills or buy things for the children.
• Petition the court for primary custody of your children when you will actually agree to a joint custody or visitation arrangement. The real purpose for the request is to strike fear into the heart of your spouse and use it as a club to get your spouse to give up on something else, usually a financial issue.
• Refuse to speak with your spouse about anything, including arrangements for him or her to have parenting time with your children. This falls into the category of a tactic used by some lawyers to create conflict, create issues that don't need to exist, increase legal fees and wear the other side down. It can also cause a serious break in parent-child ties if the noncustodial parent doesn't get to see the children because he or she can't set up any parenting time.
• File a bogus petition to have your spouse excluded from the family home under your state's protection from abuse laws.
These are just a few of the sneaky things that can and have happened in divorces. They are sometimes successful, but are very destructive to any meaningful and fair settlement discussions. In addition, the residual hard-feelings and bitterness they can leave after the divorce could hamper you and your ex-spouse's ability to effectively co-parent your children. What's more, they often lead to post-divorce legal proceedings costing additional and unnecessary legal fees which most recently divorced people can ill afford.
Getting a divorce is really just a risk/reward type of thing for some people. Is the risk and potential loss if you get caught by your dirty tricks worth any potential benefit, financial or otherwise, that you might get if you win the game? Think about it? Are you really the winner -- or are the lawyers the real winners?”
Any of this sound familiar?
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(189) 9/11/10

Divorce Haiku

2010-09-04T14:53:00.001-07:00

“Haiku is a poetic form and a type of poetry from the Japanese culture. Haiku combines form, content, and language in a meaningful, yet compact form. Haiku poets, which you will soon be, write about everyday things. Many themes include nature, feelings, or experiences. Usually they use simple words and grammar. The most common form for Haiku is three short lines. The first line usually contains five (5) syllables, the second line seven (7) syllables, and the third line contains five (5) syllables. Haiku doesn't rhyme. A Haiku must "paint" a mental image in the reader's mind. This is the challenge of Haiku - to put the poem's meaning and imagery in the reader's mind in ONLY 17 syllables over just three (3) lines of poetry!” http://volweb.utk.edu/school/bedford/harrisms/haiku.htm
Following are some examples of some divorce haikus

Without a Parachute

"You pushed me from the
Plane. I long to hit the ground,
So the fear will end.” http://mostlyhaiku.blogspot.com/2008/02/separate-ways-divorce-in-haiku.html

Divorce Haiku
Poetry by Stephen R. Clark, http://www.stephenrclark.com/webpages/hash/p-haiku-divorce.html

Divorce I
You are wrong of course
to leave and then disappear
from even my dreams.

Divorce II
You banish yourself
from accountability
and my love. Goodbye.

Divorce III
You thought that he would
give you something more than what
I could give you. Well?

Divorce IV
You lied about what
we had and instead you ran
to what was not yours.

I am no poet. Tried my hand a haiku in 9th grade and did not do so well. Anyone have any they want to share?
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(188) 9/4/10

Divorce Games Part One

2010-08-28T14:42:00.003-07:00

There are many aspects to Divorce games. So are just board games to play other are the games people play during divorce and some are party games. First, I found Divorce Board game. The web sites http://www.boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/12413/divorce say, “The object of the game is to begin play at the start position as a married person, traveling around the board in an effort to be the remaining player still married. Beginning at "Start", the players move their token along the Honeymoon Trail and around the board according to the throw of the dice. When a player lands on a space, he follows the instructions printed on that space. "Draw Fate Card" spaces give the person playing a draw from the top of the deck. On each Fate card are instructions to be followed leaving the player to receive whatever Fate has to offer. In traveling around the board, there are four Divorce Steps. They must be landed on in order of their number before they are valid. As a player lands upon each Divorce Step in order, he receives a plastic chip to signify that he now has that Divorce step. Once a player receives all four Divorce steps, he loses the game. Play will continue until only one player remains who does not have all four Divorce steps. Once a player has all four Divorce steps, he is considered divorced and can no longer play.”
Another Divorce Board game states in its web site, http://www.boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/23929/divorce-cope “A unique and fun game to help parent and children cope with divorce. Divorce cope takes you through the ups and downs of divorce. As you go around the Divorce Cope board, you'll deal with real life situations which families of divorce experience. These include child support, custody battles, school problems and step-families. Players deposit anger, depression and loneliness cards and pick up happy times, independence and optimism cards, competing for growth points along the way. 250 specially designed questions will help you and your children understand each other's feelings while having fun. Divorce Cope will open a whole new world of communication between you!”
Let the games begin!
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(187) 8/28/10

Language of Marriage

2010-08-21T06:10:00.000-07:00

Joan Wickersham wrote a wonderful op ed in the June 25, 2010 Boston Globe about the language of marriage. See entire article at http://tiny.cc/cdm82410 She notes “that most longtime couples have their own lexicon — phrases that have come out of some shared experience and entered the private language of the marriage.” She goes on to say, “There’s a clichéd idea that what makes people stay in love is things like candlelight and flowers and sexy glances across crowded rooms. All that is lovely, and it helps. But so does our nerdy private language.” I have found this to be the case in my marriage and I am sure many of you reading this blog have found the same thing in your marriage. Ironically, when mediating a divorce case, this private language also comes up. As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(186) 8/21/10

Divorce is Contagious

2010-08-14T05:58:00.002-07:00

Divorce cases seems to cluster but I have never been able to figure it out why. I wondered if it was the weather or when children are in school or something else. I was therefore intrigued to see articles recently about a study by Dr. Rose McDermott of Brown University of 12,000 Americans living in the town of Framingham, Massachusetts. The study found that divorce is contagious and can spread like a virus. The bad feelings and heated emotions that surround a marital split spreads like a disease, infecting couples with up to two degrees of separation from the rift, psychologists and sociologists report. The researchers have called it ‘divorce clustering’ and found that a split up between immediate friends increases a person’s own chances of getting divorced by 75 per cent. I assume this applies as well to high profile divorces reported in the media. This might explain why I see clusters of divorce cases. All of a sudden some celebrity is reported to get a divorce and couples start thinking maybe they should get divorced too. This may also affect how people get divorced. Adversary divorces get lots of publicity and divorce mediation gets very little if any publicity. Adversary divorce maybe contagious but mediated divorces are less so.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(185) 8/14/10

Divorcing the Wedding Gown

2010-08-07T13:44:00.003-07:00

I loved the recent article in Arizona Daily Star by Phil Villarreal about what a former husband does with his former Wife’s wedding gown. See entire article and picture at http://tiny.cc/cdm7710 I have previously blogged about former spouse’s wedding rings and jewelry but this was a new angle. What is even more interesting is the former husband has created a blog and may get a book deal. I wonder if the former Wife will want part of the money he makes? Also, why did she not take her wedding gown? The former Husband’s final line is perfect. “ I don’t see it as a symbol of my failed marriage, he said, “I see it as a symbol of recovery.” He has treated his former Wife and children very well during the project. Too bad more people don’t feel this way. I wonder if he mediated his divorce.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(184) 8/7/10

Group Mediation

2010-07-31T13:05:00.002-07:00

I have always wanted to experiment with group mediation but never have had an opportunity. There are two forms of group mediation.

An article on the internet at http://www.edr.state.va.us/docsnforms/med/Med-C.doc says, “Traditional group mediation is a voluntary process in which trained mediators assist members of a work group in an open and confidential forum to: (1) identify and discuss the issues that are affecting the group; (2) explore alternatives that may resolve the issues; and (3) reach agreement on the alternatives that would best resolve the issues. The mediators meet with the work group, explain the process and answer questions, interview each group member privately to obtain his or her perspective of the situation, identify and list issues from the information shared during the interviews and present the list to the group for approval; the group may add or delete issues, ask the group to prioritize the issues and decide the order of discussion by the group, facilitate the discussion of the issues, establish with the group a schedule of two or three meetings, 3-4 hours each, to discuss the issues, help the parties define the issues involved
• encourage and assist the parties to have open and honest communication
• do not make judgments on who is right or wrong
• do not make decisions or impose solutions

The parties:
• are voluntary participants who want to discuss and resolve the issues
• must be willing to talk openly and honestly about their concerns and issues
• must be willing to generate alternatives to resolve the issues”

I would like to experiment with a different type of group divorce mediation. It would be more like group therapy. I would meet with a few divorcing couples and try to mediate all the divorces at once. It would save the couples money. I am not sure if it would make problem solving easier or harder. Probably both. So far it has the logistics or getting couples and have them meet has prevented me from trying. Perhaps, one day it will all come together.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(183) 7/31/10

Mediation Styles

2010-07-24T12:51:00.003-07:00

People often just think mediation but there actually are different types of mediation styles. The three basic types of mediation are facilitative, tranformative, and evaluative. In jest a colleague recently suggested a fourth type – accusatory! I will discuss a potential fourth type, group mediation, in a future blog. All types of mediation require the mediator to be neutral, the process to be confidential, and self determination for the parties. The role of the mediator is different in each type.

Facilitative mediation is based on the belief that, with neutral assistance, people can work through and resolve their own conflicts. In a facilitative mediation, the mediator will take an active role in controlling the "process." Process means things like setting the ground rules for how the problem will be solved. The mediator asks questions to identify the interests of the parties and the real issues in the disagreement. The mediator helps the parties explore solutions that benefit both parties (sometimes called "win/win" solutions). In a facilitative mediation, the mediator does not offer an opinion on the strengths and weaknesses of the parties' cases. The mediator does not suggest solutions.

Evaluative mediation is based on the belief that mediators with expertise in the issues in conflict can help the parties to assess the strengths and weaknesses of their legal or other positions and to work to achieve settlements. In evaluative mediation, the mediator controls the process and suggests solutions for resolving the conflict. The focus of an evaluative mediation is primarily upon settlement. The mediators will make their best efforts to get the parties to compromise, if necessary, to achieve a result. This is the type of mediation most attorneys and former judges use. It is like a court required status conference or a meeting with a special master. I believe this is what Ken Feinberg does. It often becomes what is called power or muscle mediation and a settlement is imposed.

Transformative mediation is based on the belief that conflict tends to make parties feel weak and self-absorbed. Transformatative mediators try to change the nature of the parties' conflict interaction by helping them appreciate each others viewpoints and strengthening their ability to handle conflict in a productive manner. The mediator will intervene in the conversation between the parties in order to call attention to moments of recognition and empowerment. Ground rules for the mediation are set only if the parties set them. The mediator does not direct the parties to topics or issues. Instead, the mediator follows the parties’ conversation and assist them to talk about what they think is important. The transformative mediator does not offer an opinion on the strengths or weaknesses of the parties’ cases. The mediator does not suggest solutions.”
Some mediators prefer to use one approach exclusively in their mediation sessions. Many mediators can, and do, use many approaches. I often start with facilitative but slip into evaluative when I hit an impasse. I probably am always doing a little transformative mediation. Clients don’t usually do it but it is a good idea to ask your mediator which style he or she uses.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(182) 7/24/10

New Arizona Child Support Guidelines

2010-07-17T11:00:00.003-07:00

There was a very good article about Arizona’s new Child Support Guidelines in the June 10, 2010 issue of the DesertLeaf by Annie Rolfe. See entire article at http://npaper-wehaa.com/desert-leaf#2010/05/27/?article=888661. She says, that “The Arizona Child Support Guidelines were up for review in 2009. At the outset of the review, the Guidelines Review Committee (GRC) recognized that the existing model, known as the Income Shares model, failed to adequately address situations in which one parent earned significantly more than the other. As such, the GRC sought to revamp the system. The GRC’s proposal is called the Child-Outcome Based Support model, or COBS. Under the new proposal, child support for parents with equal or near equal incomes will not dramatically change and, in lower-income cases, may be slightly reduced. The COBS model is designed to have the greatest effect in cases of unequal incomes. For example, when the custodial parent earns $2,000 per month, the non-custodial parent earns $4,000 per month, and there is one child, the non-custodial parent’s child support may increase by $161 per month.” There are not automatic modifications so divorced couples may want to review their child support orders. This can easily be done with mediation.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(181) 7/17/10

Dementia and Divorce

2010-07-10T10:32:00.002-07:00

I have recently thought about divorce and dementia. Liz Pulliam Weston has written an interesting article for MSN discussing it. See the entire article at
http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/CollegeAndFamily/CaringForParents/ShouldGrandmaDivorceGrandpa.aspx. She says, “The population of divorced people over 65 has exploded in the past 15 years, and elder-law attorneys suspect money is at least partly to blame. The idea that money might be a factor in divorce isn't news. But instead of fighting over their money, these attorneys say, older people who divorce might be trying to preserve it. Christine Crawford of Aurora, Ohio, started divorce proceedings after her husband's care for dementia consumed more than $100,000 of their savings. Crawford said she didn't want to divorce her husband, with whom she'd raised three children, but it was the only way to preserve what was left of their life savings.” The couple divorces and puts all their assets in the well person’s name and the sick spouse can then qualify for Medicaid benefits.
I have not seen any divorces caused by dementia. An internet search shows some but most are second marriages or shorter marriages. Couples who are married longer seem to be more willing to care for a sick spouse. This is encouraging.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(180) 7/10/10

Wedding Crashers and Mediation

2010-07-03T11:38:00.001-07:00

Not sure why I have not blogged on this before. I have mentioned the movie Wedding Crasher in a blogs about Obama and McCain and in the list of divorce movies but I have never discussed separately. You can see the clip of the initial mediation scene in the movie on YouTube at http://youtu.be/C85tJflYb4s The scene is one of the few of a mediation session in a movie and is very funny but not too accurate. I used the clip once in a presentation before the Connecticut Council for Divorce Mediation on humor in divorce and mediation. I did not realize that there were two versions of the movie. One with a little more colorful language. I used the one with more colorful language and some people were caught a off guard. Mediation needs to be popularized more in the media for people to become more aware of it as an alternative. I am not sure if this clip helped but it certainly made the term divorce mediation more known. I don't usually do mediation with the attorneys present and I was not surprised when the attorney said the mediation was a bad idea. The parties were fighting a lot. I usually let parties vent but not go on that long. I liked the intervention the Owen Wilson used to stop the fighting. I love it when the Husband says to the mediators could you not just talk any more. I wonder if any of my clients have ever felt that way.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(179) 7/3/10

LA Law and Divorce

2010-06-26T06:10:00.005-07:00

LA Law is one of my favorite legal shows. (Right after Perry Mason) My favorite episode was season 7, episode 18 which was aired on April 22, 1993, entitled "Come Rain or Come Schein." In the show, Becker represents Mitchell Schein, a greedy man who holds out for material concessions before agreeing to grant his wife a divorce following Jewish law (A get. See my March 10, 2008 blog, Religious Divorce and Annulment). As you may know, according to Jewish law only the husband can agree to a divorce. Women want this for many reasons, including the ability to have another Jewish marriage. In the episode, it has been a very rainy period in Los Angeles and there have been numerous mad slides. The show concludes with a split screen where you see the Husband agreeing to the Jewish divorce as the marital home his wife just agreed to give him in order for him to agree to the Jewish divorce is sliding down the hill as a result of the rain. I often relate this story to clients to remind them, not to be too greedy.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(178) 6/26/10

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End of NY Fault Divorce Near?

2010-06-19T13:03:00.004-07:00

I have been following with interest the attempt to eliminate fault divorce in New York and stop the subterfuge in obtaining a divorce. As I discussed in my May 20, 2010 blog Divorce Japan Style, I worked for legal services one summer and watched what fault divorce was like in Connecticut prior to no fault. There have been a few articles about what is happening in New York in the New York Times. See article and editorials at

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/19/opinion/19sat4.html, http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/17/nyregion/17divorce.html, and

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/17/opinion/17coontz.html. No fault divorce always made sense to me but it is only the first step. I am glad to see New York is also considering alimony guide lines and more use of mediation. We now need to work for true no fault divorce where attorneys do not charge exorbitant fees and play to their client’s anger, children are not hurt, and couples can get on with their lives.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(177) 6/19/10

Divorce Japan Style - the Splitter-Uppers

2010-05-20T13:49:00.002-07:00

I have always been a firm believer in no fault divorce. I always remember when I was a law student and had a summer job working for legal services. I was in court helping an attorney with a divorce. Connecticut then did not have any fault divorce and you had to show physical manifestation of intolerable cruelty. It was not unusual for a person to say they could not sleep or were putting on weight or were losing weight. A woman why must have weighed 400 pounds gets on the stand and testifies how she is losing weight because of her husband’s intolerable cruelty. The judge listens to what she says and then leans close to her and says, “You should stay married a little longer.” Fault divorce causes all sorts of mischief. A May 10, 2010 article in TimesOnline by Richard Lloyd Parry, entitled, “Sex, lies and splitting up Want to dump a troublesome husband, or unsuitable boyfriend? Just call Osamu Tomiya and his team of splitter-uppers, but you’ll have to move to Japan,” reminded me of the problems with fault divorce. See the entire article at

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships/article7119999.ece
The article says, “The whole thing was masterminded by Mr “Ota” — real name Osamu Tomiya — a member of a peculiarly Japanese profession, part-private investigator, part-prostitute, known as wakaresase-ya — the “splitter-uppers”.
The function of the wakaresase-ya is the direct opposite of a dating agency: with great ingenuity, and the right fee, they will pry apart human relationships. Do you have a troublesome ex-boyfriend who won’t leave you alone? A beloved son who is getting engaged to an unsuitable girl? A dead-loss employee who refuses to take the hint and retire? All of these difficult situations can be resolved by the splitter-uppers.
Also see follow up article in http://www.divorcesaloon.com/japan-professional-marriage-splitter-upper-takeshi-kuwabara-gets-17-years-for-strangling-lover-rie-isohata in Divorce Saloon which says, “Japan, apparently, is a “fault” jurisdiction which means in order to get out of a marriage, folks have to prove grounds. The reason I surmise this to be so is that there seems to be a custom in Japan where married folks hire wakaresaseyas (in English, “marriage splitter uppers”) to seduce their unsuspecting spouses so that these folks can have grounds for the divorce.”
This is all compounded by each state having its own divorce laws and standards which causes some forum shopping.
This is another reason I like mediation. These kinds of problems rarely come up in a mediated divorce.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(176) 5/20/10

I thought it would be fun to use the Word translation program and do this blog in Japanese too.

私は常に固く障害離婚されていません。私は常に私の法律の学生だったし、法的サービスの使用は夏の仕事をしていた覚えています。私は裁判所の弁護士は離婚を支援していた。コネチカット [任意フォールト離婚はありませんでしたと耐えられない虐待の物理的な症状を表示する必要があります。寝ることがない、または重量をかけていたまたは重量を失っていたと言う人は珍しいことではなかった。なぜ 400 ポンドを検討している必要がありますにスタンドを取得し、どのように彼女は夫の耐えられない虐待のため重量を失いつつある証言している女性。裁判官彼女の言い分をリッスンして [彼女の近くに傾いていると言う"をもう少し結婚して滞在する必要があります。フォールト離婚は、あらゆる種類のいたずらが発生します。 2010 年 5 月 10 日の記事で TimesOnline でリチャード・ロイドと題して、パリー、「性別、嘘と、面倒な夫、または不適切なボーイフレンドをダンプするかを分割するか？ちょうど修富谷と彼のチームの分割-甲、呼び出しが日本には、移動する必要があります」障害離婚の問題私を思い出した。資料によると、http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships/article7119999.ece ですべての記事を参照してください"全体物氏「太田」で masterminded いた — 本物修富谷を名前 —、peculiarly 日本職業一部と民間調査官、一部-売春婦、のメンバー wakaresase として知られている-屋 —、「分割-甲」. wakaresase の機能-屋は出会い系の会社の正反対です: 偉大な工夫と右の手数料を彼ら以外の人間関係が外してされます。面倒な元 - 人は、そのままはありません彼氏ですか？人、不適切な女の子に行ってきです、最愛の息子ですか？ヒントを取るし、引退することを拒否、死者損失従業員ですか？これらすべての困難な状況は、スプリッター甲で解決できます。参考資料に離婚は、「日本はどうやらアウト結婚を取得するには、「障害」の管轄権は、人々がある根拠を証明する。サロンで http://www.divorcesaloon.com/japan-professional-marriage-splitter-upper-takeshi-kuwabara-gets-17-years-for-strangling-lover-rie-isohata を実行します私はこの推測のでこと、カスタムどこ結婚されていた人々の wakaresaseyas (英語、「結婚スプリッター甲は") でこれらの人々離婚根拠があるできるように彼ら疑いを持たない配偶者を誘惑する雇う日本であるようです。」これすべてフォーラム買い物が独自の離婚の法律と基準を持つ各状態が悪化します。これは調停が好きの理由です。このような問題はほとんど仲介離婚に来る。いつものように、右にある [緑] 列またはこのウェブサイトの下部の指示に従うによってこのブログや離婚調停、またはちょうど仲介に関する任意のコメントを投稿できます。 http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/WM(176) で調停について 5/20/10

DNA of Divorce

2010-05-13T15:08:00.003-07:00

There is often a convergence of discoveries that change the world. For thousands of years man wanted to fly and yet in the space of a few years, a few people built planes that flew. The same thing is true with the atomic bomb, the telegraph, the telephone, and many other inventions and discoveries. There usually is some underlying discovery which is the catalyst or there is a synergy when someone puts together to independent ideas. This is the concept of multiple discovery which states that most scientific discoveries and inventions are made independently and more or less simultaneously by multiple scientists and inventors. See also article in May 13, 2010 New Yorker entitled In the Air Who Says Big Ideas are Rare? by Malcolm Gladwell at http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/05/12/080512fa_fact_gladwell.
I thought about this when I read the article in the May 11, 2010 New York Times by Tara Parker-Pope entitled "The Science of a Happy Marriage" and watched on NBC Night News and read in the paper about obtaining your own personal genetic history. NBC indicated that Walgreens was planning to sell the Pathway Genomic home test kit under the brand Insight. (Walgreens put a hold on the next day until they could get clearance from the FDA). According to Pam Stephan, "The Pathway Genomics Insight kit, marketed to "Discover Your DNA." is simple to use - just swab the inside of your cheek, slip the sample in a vial, and mail it away. Pathway Genomics will check your genetic risk for more than 26 diseases and conditions, and send you a report online." Tar Parker-Pope says that "recent studies have raised questions about whether genetic factors may influence commitment and marital stability. See full article at
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/05/10/tracking-the-science-of-commitment.
If you combine these two ideas, something startling happens. With a swab of a Q-tip, you soon will be able to determine if a potential spouse has the genetic factor which will influence marital stability. Do people want to know if they are at risk to get a disease? Will they want to know the risk of marital stability? Is this our Brave New World? Only time will tell.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(175) 5/13/10

5 Financial and Income Tax Pitfall to Avoid in Matrimonial Dissolution

2010-05-04T17:38:00.003-07:00

My friend Arnold is a CPA. We often discuss the tax aspects of divorce. Recently over dinner in Tucson, he recently gave me an article by John F. Raspante, CPA and Arthur Garcia, Esq. from a publication of the New York Society of Certified Public Accountants dated of all dates April 15, 2010 entitled "5 Financial and Income Tax Pitfall to Avoid in Matrimonial Dissolution." I knew the items but they are worth repeating.

Pitfall 1: Sale of Principal Residence – Capital Gains
Pitfall 2: Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO) – Alternate Payee (Pension)
Pitfall 3: Insuring the Property Settlement – The Revenge of Death (Life Insurance)
Pitfall 4: Unsecured Debt – The Irresponsible Former Spouse
Pitfall 5: Closely Held Business – The Investigation and Valuation

When you get a divorce you should make sure these and many more pitfalls are discussed with your mediator, attorney, and accountant.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(174) 5/4/10

Divorce According to Harold, the Mover

2010-04-27T16:44:00.000-07:00

Some boxes, pictures, and my carrom board recently were delivered to my home by Harold. As usual I chatted with Harold as he moved the boxes off the truck and I checked them off. The topic got around to divorce. Harold told me that divorce changes nothing. He said if you drank before you would drink after. If you cheated on your spouse you would continue to cheat on your new significant other. He said there was very likely that if you remarried it would be someone like your previous spouse. As a person who has counseled couples for 30 years that they could have a new beginning this was quite a revelation. I certainly have seen many individuals get a fresh start but I think Harold observation is very important. If individuals want a different life, they have to work at it and be careful they don’t repeat the behavior which caused them to get divorced.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(173) 4/27/10

Delaying Divorce in Arizona Part 3

2010-04-20T16:42:00.003-07:00

We continue to monitor the bill in the Arizona legislature to extend the waiting period for divorce.
The bill as amended was signed by the Governor on April 7, 2010. You can see the law as amended below. It would appear that the final version kept the 60 day waiting period but allowed a party to request an extension. This shifts the burden to the party who wants more time and not less.
"Sec. 2. Section 25-381.18, Arizona Revised Statutes, is amended to read:
START_STATUTE25-381.18. Dissolution of marriage; legal separation; annulment; stay of right to file; jurisdiction for pending actions
A. During a period beginning on the filing of a petition for conciliation and continuing until sixty days after the filing of the petition for conciliation, neither spouse shall file any action for annulment, dissolution of marriage or legal separation, and, on the filing of a petition for conciliation, proceedings then pending in the superior court are stayed and the case shall be transferred to the conciliation court for hearing and further disposition as provided in this article. All restraining, support, maintenance or custody orders issued by the superior court remain in full force and effect until vacated or modified by the conciliation court or until they expire by their own terms.
b. if either party wants to extend the stay under subsection a, that party shall file a petition with the court stating the basis for the extension, which may include a plan for reconciliation or a counseling schedule. the court shall grant an extension of up to one hundred twenty days unless the other party establishes good cause for proceeding without delay.
B. c. If, however, after the expiration of the period prescribed in subsection A and any extension granted under subsection b, the controversy between the spouses has not been terminated, either spouse may institute proceedings for annulment of marriage, dissolution of marriage or legal separation by filing in the clerk's office additional pleadings complying with the requirements relating to annulment of marriage, dissolution of marriage or legal separation, respectively, or either spouse may proceed with the action previously stayed, and the conciliation court has full jurisdiction to hear, try and determine the action for annulment of marriage, dissolution of marriage or legal separation and to retain jurisdiction of the case for further hearings on decrees or orders to be made. The conciliation provisions of this article may be used in regard to postdissolution problems concerning maintenance support, parenting time or contempt or for modification based on changed conditions in the discretion of the conciliation court.
C. d. On the filing of an action for annulment, dissolution of marriage or legal separation and after the expiration of sixty days from the service or the acceptance of service of process on or by the defendant, neither spouse without the consent of the other may file a petition invoking the jurisdiction of the conciliation court, as long as the domestic relations case remains pending, unless it appears to the court that the filing will not delay the orderly processes of the pending action, in which event the court may accept the petition and the filing of the petition has the same effect as the filing of any such petition within such sixty days after the service or acceptance of process."
Amend title to conform See at:

http://www.azleg.gov/legtext/49leg/2r/adopted/1199grayl445.doc.htm
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(172) 4/20/10

Delaying Divorce in Arizona Part 2

2010-04-11T17:04:00.001-07:00

We continue to monitor the bill in the Arizona legislature to extend the waiting period for divorce. The Senate approved a revised version of the bill (SB1199) at the end of March. See Howard Fischer’s article in March 30, 2010 Arizona Daily Star at http://azstarnet.com/news/local/govt-and-politics/article_5030800b-1e41-51c8-a4c5-eeaed0d99115.html?mode=story This bill is an improvement of the older bill. It allows the divorce to be granted sooner if both parties agree. This works very well for mediated divorces where the parties do agree on everything. It will give divorcing couples another good reason to mediate their divorce. We will continue to keep you posted on this very important bill.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(171) 4/11/10

Wedding Mediation

2010-04-04T16:39:00.004-07:00

A mediator’s skill set can be applied to many different issues. I started out doing divorce mediation but now do marital mediation, elder mediation, community mediation, employment mediation, and housing mediation. I am always looking for new areas to mediate. After reading, Abby Ellin’s article in the April 4, 2010 New York Times entitled "Burden of Paying for Wedding Bells Shifts," I have now found a new area - Wedding Mediation. See her entire article at http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/04/fashion/weddings/04FIELD.html
Ms Ellin indicates that
"..with these shifts in the financial landscape of weddings have come changes in the dynamics of who gets to call the shots.
According to Lizzie Post, a great-great-granddaughter of Emily Post and a spokeswoman for the etiquette institute in Burlington, Vt., that bears her ancestor’s name, "Money should never be used as a bargaining or leveraging chip." Nor does she think it is ever acceptable for one family to dictate solely what’s happening in the wedding — especially if all parties are paying. "You should get the two families together in advance and talk very respectfully and candidly about what everyone’s wishes and expectations are."...."It helps for everyone to discuss this right off the bat," she said, adding that even if the parents aren’t involved, she always requires the bridegrooms to attend planning sessions. "Sometimes you can see the guy doesn’t want to be there. And I say, ‘If you’re not involved in the meetings, you’re going to get swept up in this tornado and you’re not going to like it.’ "
Glenna Tooman, the owner of Memory Makers Event Planning in Boise, Idaho, agrees that it is better to bring all parties to the table from the start. "I encourage my brides to include the groom’s mother." She added: "Sometimes you have a person who can be very controlling. But if they have a good relationship with the groom’s mother and she is supportive of the bride, it can be a great bonding experience."
But as Ms. Goldberg pointed out, these sharing arrangements could easily evolve into competitions. "Everybody becomes a party planner when they’re throwing money around," she said. ʺ
These are issues where a mediator can be a very big help. I would be surprised if mediators are not already helping out. I can’t imagine these problems being resolved without a mediator.
Brides, grooms, and their families, we are ready when you need us!
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(170) 4/4/10

Divorce Mediation and Domestic Violence

2010-03-14T15:10:00.004-07:00

Periodically, my daughters send me an article they think I will be interested in. My younger daughter recently sent me an article from Slate by Mary Adkins entitled, "Breaking Up Is Hard Enough To Do Why don't courts offer mediation to victims of domestic violence getting a divorce?" You can see the entire article at http://www.slate.com/id/2246708/ Ms. Adkin’s premise is "Domestic violence brings women to court seeking protective orders ... (b)ut when women who say they've been beaten up try to end their marriages, they find themselves at a disadvantage. In family court, they probably won't be offered mediation—the cheaper, less antagonistic alternative to litigation."
Ms. Adkins makes a strong case for divorce mediation when she say, "It costs less than litigation—couples save upward of 40 percent in attorney's fees. It does not require lawyers. And it's faster, saving money for the state as well. More important, research has shown that mediation leads to less bitterness, keeping the period of conflict short, which is better for children. Research also suggests it yields better outcomes for both parties, though better in different ways—women get more property and more financial support, while men are more likely to get shared custody or more visitation time with children."
She goes on to quote Oregon's "plan and protocol" for dealing with victims which states that "when domestic violence is present among parties in a dispute, the abuser's desire to maintain power and control over the victim is inconsistent with the method and objective of mediation. Fear of the abuser may prevent the victim from asserting needs."
In essence she feels that evaluative mediation works better in cases of domestic violence than facilitative mediation. She contrasts facilative mediation where, "The mediator does not offer opinions or recommendations. His limited role, in the face of a gross power disparity, can leave victims vulnerable to bargaining away financial support, assets, even custody, all out of fear." This compares to evaluative mediation where the "mediators are more active. Trained to attend to power imbalances, they offer opinions on fairness and predict how a case will play out at trial. The mediator is charged with preventing exploitative agreements, and the statistics about satisfaction and outcome suggest they do a pretty good job. All agreements coming out of mediation are reviewed by a judge. And in cases with a history of violence, states can mandate shuttling—where the parties sit in separate rooms—rather than face-to-face meetings."
Domestic violence is always a challenging issue for mediators. Some mediators won’t mediate a case with domestic violence. We try to screen for it but I am not sure we always are made aware of it. If we do find it, we always question the party further to make sure the party feels safe and can participate in the mediation without feeling intimidated. If we decide to mediate, we will stop the mediation at anytime we feel domestic violence is effecting the process. When I did domestic violence training, I remember the instructor talking about the "look." It was classical conditioning. The spouse only had to hit the other spouse once. After that the spouse only had to give the other spouse the "look." It is like an invisible fence for dogs. In retrospect, I realize that I have been doing more evaluative mediation in divorce mediation cases where domestic violence is an issue. I believe divorce cases where there has been domestic violence can be mediated but it takes a highly skilled and trained mediator whois using the right style of mediation.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation or Divorce by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM (169) 3/14/10

Cohabiting and Divorce

2010-03-03T08:50:00.003-07:00

Over the years I have seen many couples get married for the wrong reasons. They often think that marrying will save the relationship. They often have a child for the same reason. I was reminded of this by the article in the March 3, 2010 New York Times by Sam Roberts entitled, "
Study Finds Cohabiting Doesn’t Make a Union Last" You can read the entire article at http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/03/us/03marry.html Mr. Roberts writes about a study done by
the National Center for Health Statistics using data from the National Survey of Family Growth conducted in 2002. He says, "Couples who live together before they get married are less likely to stay married, a new study has found. But their chances improve if they were already engaged when they began living together. The likelihood that a marriage would last for a decade or more decreased by six percentage points if the couple had cohabited first, the study found." Interestly, he goes on to report that "Half of couples who cohabit marry within three years...If both partners are college graduates, the chances improve that they will marry and that their marriage will last at least 10 years." Mr. Roberts or the study don’t say why this is the case for non college graduates but it I think it may be as I said that they are trying to fix an already broken relationship. I have also noted that marriage may change a relationship. I knew a couple where the woman was in control when they were living together and the man was in control when they got married. I also know that people often behave one way in order to get married and then behave differently when they do get married. This is another reason why I strongly advocate premarital counseling and a more wide spread process for letting divorcing non married couples. What are your experiences? Share them with us and perhaps help a couple from making the wrong decision. One last comment, the article also notes that in general one in five marriages will dissolve within five years. On in three will last less than ten years.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(168) 3/3/10

Delaying Divorce in Arizona

2010-02-11T17:32:00.003-07:00

A front page story in today’s Arizona Daily Star indicates that "state lawmakers are moving to make couples who have decided their marriage isn’t working wait four months longer to divorce." See entire article at http://azstarnet.com/news/local/govt-and-politics/article_3dae7780-0037-59c2-a0dd-63f3ce8715a7.html?mode=story . I believe there should be some waiting period and the 61 days we currently have in Arizona works well. Anything more seems long. I was interested in the comment that 4 out of 5 getting a divorce don’t want the divorce. Anyone who is a divorce professional knows this is very typical but not for the reasons the lawmakers think. Also studies have shown that prolonged divorces are very bad for children. There are many other things we can do encourage better marriages and divorces. This is not one of them. I know from my professional experience that mediating more divorces would not only save some marriages but is much better for children.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(167) 2/12/10

NPR and Children of Divorce

2010-01-26T15:58:00.000-07:00

My daughters have an interest in what we do as a divorce mediators. They often send me articles that I will be interested in. My oldest daughter recently sent me the January 4, 2010 article which was on the NPR web site by Sasha Aslanian entitled, "What The Divorce Revolution Has Meant For Kids." You can see the entire article at http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=122127796 Since it was about children, it was appropriate that it came from my daughter. Ms. Aslanian contrasts the recent history of children in divorce from the movie Kramer vs. Kramer with what has happened in Henepin County, Minnesota. In the movie the couple are locked in a custody battle over their young son. The child they were fighting over doesn't have much of a voice in the movie. It's more a drama about his parents. In Hennepin County, Minnesota steps are being taken for the sake of the kids.
She indicates that the "Country tried something different. At the first meeting with the judge right after filing for divorce, there would be no motions. No judicial robes. And the attorneys would sit on the sidelines. ‘The judge would sit down with parties and talk to them about such things as childhood development. What they could do to help their kids. What would send their kids' mental health south real fast. What they could do to preserve some of their assets for their kids' extracurricular activities or college, rather than the lawyers' kids' extracurricular activities and college, After the initial meeting, the couple would come back a few weeks later and meet with a male and a female custody evaluator. They would try to come up with a reasonable plan that everyone could buy into. A separate meeting dealt with the financial part of divorce.""
She also discusses the County’s court-mandated class for kids whose parents were getting divorced. She says they practiced role-playing how to avoid divorce traps. — like being asked to spy on the other parent or parents who spew venom about each other.
Divorce does not have to be a disaster for the children. If the parents care, they can do things to make it better for their children. I always tell my clients they have given their children a wonderful gift.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(166) 1/26/10

Zero-Sum Divorce

2010-01-19T06:45:00.002-07:00

Recently, I have been reading, "The Evolution of God" by Robert Wright. See his web site at http://evolutionofgod.net/ He uses the "zero-sum" concept in his book. I have been coming across this concept in many contexts lately. Wikepedia say, "In game theory and economic theory, zero-sum describes a situation in which a participant's gain or loss is exactly balanced by the losses or gains of the other participant(s). If the total gains of the participants are added up, and the total losses are subtracted, they will sum to zero. Zero-sum can be thought of more generally as constant sum where the benefits and losses to all players sum to the same value... Cutting a cake is zero- or constant-sum, because taking a larger piece reduces the amount of cake available for others. In contrast, non-zero-sum describes a situation in which the interacting parties' aggregate gains and losses is either less than or more than zero." It has been my experience that zero sum can also be diagnostic of a person’s view of situations. For instance, I have found that Conservatives are tend to see things as zero sum and Liberals tend to see things as non-zero sum. As usual I try to apply ideas to divorce. It is my experience that Adversary or Traditional Divorces are zero-sum and Mediated Divorces are non-zero sum. You can always find both in either type of divorce. If you can identify if a party is zero-sum or non-zero sum, it helps to determine how they will problem solve or negotiate. Once you know this it makes it easier to resolve the case. A note of caution, you try to explain to the parties if the pie is constant or can be made larger but you can’t usually convert a zero-sum person to a non-zero sum person.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(165) 1/19/10

Record Number of Divorces

2010-01-12T06:33:00.003-07:00

A short article in the New York Times caught my eye. It said in part, " On the other hand, vows are apparently a necessity for an Israeli man who at age 50 has just been granted his 11th divorce. The BBC reports that the man, from Jerusalem, usually divorces after two years and immediately goes out bride hunting. Or perhaps bride reeling. "I send out a hook in all directions, and the fish come on their own," the man, who was not named, said. According to the rabbinical court that announced the divorce, 11 is a record for Jews in Israel. The court praised the man's adherence to religious procedure. Under Jewish law, a man seeking a divorce grants his wife a "get," which declares, ‘You are hereby permitted to all men.’" See the article at http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/09/weekinreview/10grist-2.html

It made me think who set the record for the most divorces. If Wikepedia is too be trusted is appears to be Glynn Wolfe, a former Baptist minister. They say, " he managed the feat a heartbreaking 28 times throughout his life. The shortest of his marriages was a mere 19 days, while the longest lasted an impressive 7 years." He was married 29 times. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glynn_Wolfe
He apparently died with $480 to his name. I guess it is very costly to get divorce 28 times!

As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(164) 1/12/10

Top Reasons People Divorce

2010-01-02T11:01:00.002-07:00

I am surprised I have not done this before. In an article in Associated Content on June 1, 2006, Linda M. McCloud says the following are the top reasons people get divorced. See entire article at http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/35097/top_reasons_people_divorce.html Do you agree? Would you include other reasons in the list?

Money.
Infidelity.
Poor communication
Change in priorities. This can be caused by having kids or due to ones job, big things.
Lack of commitment to the marriage.
Sexual problems.
Other reasons that come up frequently, but not as frequently are:
Addictions
Failed expectations of your spouse (believing one is a super hero or that he/she can fix or be everything to or for you)
Physical, emotional or sexual abuse.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(163) 1/2/10

Google Trends Divorce

2009-12-26T07:32:00.001-07:00

Google Trends provides insights into broad search patterns. You input a term and it shows you how much the term has been searched on a given day. I checked divorce and the peak for 2009 was Jon and Kate plus divorce on June 24th. If there is a Tiger Wood’s divorce it will probably top this. For 2009 it was A-Rod’s wife filling for divorce. You can see the graph for 2009 at http://www.google.com/trends?q=divorce&ctab=0&geo=us&geor=all&date=2009&sort=0.
Not surprisingly for the word marriage, gay marriage tops the list for most recent years.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(162) 12/26/09

Divorce Etiquette

2009-12-19T07:13:00.001-07:00

Is divorce Etiquette and oxymoron along with military intelligence? Apparently not. There is even a book called Divorce Etiquette by Monique DeVere. The cover of the book is a little to racy to show here. As usual I Googled it and found divorce360.com which provides help, advice and community for people contemplating, going through or recovering from divorce and the issues around it, including separation, divorce laws, spousal support and emotional issues. Their web site about divorce Etiquette is http://www.divorce360.com/divorce-articles/after-divorce/general/divorce-etiquette-101-what-to-say.aspx?artid=1505. It discusses issues like How do you tell people about your divorce? Should you send "divorce announcements" saying you are no longer married? How do you update your personal information without being rude? We mark marriages, births. We do not mark divorces. Why? Should we have divorce rituals? If so, what should they be? Should friends and family send divorce cards? What about maiden name changes? Should you announce these? What about etiquette for divorce parties in which you're invited and asked to bring a gift, like an engagement party? I am sure there are thousands of more questions? Do you have any questions or even better yet answers?
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(161) 12/19/09

Ron Lieber and Divorce

2009-12-08T07:06:00.002-07:00

The New York Times is my favorite newspaper and I read it every day. I have been following the recent articles about divorce by Ron Lieber. The articles give very good practical advice. I recommend that you read them and follow Ron Lieber’s latest articles. You can go to this link to see more about Ron Lieber and his articles.

http://topics.nytimes.com/top/reference/timestopics/people/l/ron_lieber/index.html?scp=1-spot&sq=ron%20lieber&st=cse

The articles I have recently read and their links include the following:

Money Talks to Have Before Marriage
Published: October 23, 2009
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/24/your-money/24money.html

Financial Decisions to Make as You Divorce
Divorcing couples often don’t think of all the financial problems that can arrive after the split. Here’s a list of issues to discuss before the paperwork is final.
Published: November 14, 2009
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/14/your-money/14money.html

Experienced in Love and Money
Some advice from those with firsthand experience of divorce may help you avoid the financial pitfalls of a split.
Published: November 21, 2009
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/21/your-money/21money.html

Bucks: How to Pick a Divorce Lawyer
Readers weigh in on the best way to pick a divorce lawyer.
Published: November 20, 2009
http://bucks.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/11/20/how-to-pick-a-divorce-lawyer/

As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM(160) 12/08/09

Divorce Cakes

2009-12-01T06:00:00.001-07:00

As promised in a previous blog, I am following up on Divorce Cakes. The following web site says it all. Check it out. http://smaknews.com/Entertain-Me/31-awesome-cakes-to-celebrate-your-divorce/
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(159) 12/1/09

Divorce and Google ABC

2009-11-24T06:00:00.003-07:00

As you know, I am a great fan of Google. I was recently doing a search when I noticed something I should have noticed before. I knew Google suggests searches as you type in words but I never paid attention to what happen if you just type in a letter. I started typing in divorce rate and stopped at the r in rate. I then realized I could get the top searches for the letter r. For fun I typed out divorce and then the first letter of Divorce. The following are my results:

D - Decree, Dance, Documents, Definition, Depression, Deposition Questions, During Pregnancy

I - In - Texas, California, Florida, the Bible, Virginia, Georgia, NC, Colorado

V - Virginia, Video, Visitation Schedule, Virginia Process, Vermont Process, Versus - Annulment, Separation, Legal Separation, Dissolution,

O - Online, Ohio, On Children, Oregon, Online Texas, Of Lady X, Or Separation, Oklahoma, Ohio Laws, Online Free

R - Rate, Records, Rate by States, Records Texas, Rate in2008, Recovery, Rate in America 2008, Records in California, Records in Florida, Rate Statistics

C - Care, Court, Costs, Cakes, California, Child Custody, Checklists, Calculator, Counseling, Court Episodes

E - Effects on Children, Entrance Dance, Effects on Children Statistics, Effects, Etiquette , Essay, Emotional Stages, Emotions, Education Class in Utah, Emotional Support

I was particularly interested in following up Divorce Cakes and Divorce Etiquette. I will probably do a future blog on both.

I also just did what came up for divorce and got the following results:

Divorce - Advice, Papers, Statistics, Process, Rate, Records, Law, Lawyers, Care, Court.

I was disappointed that mediation did not come up but if you type in divorce m, it is the first combination that comes up.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(158) 11/24/09

Divorce and Basic Training

2009-11-17T08:26:00.001-07:00

It has been 40 years since I did my basic training at Fort Bragg. I learned many life lessons. Some good some bad. One that I remember is cleaning the barracks each morning. There was a reward if you your platoon did the best job cleaning. The reward was usually being the first platoon when marching so we did not have to eat dust or experience an accordion effect. I remember Gregg Machado polishing the fire extinguisher until it gleamed or trying to control the floor buffer. Very often no matter what we did, we did not win. I am not sure how we found out but we did learn the trick to winning. The drill sergeants would take a grease pencil and put marks in the barracks. If you found and removed the mark you won. If you did not find the mark, no matter how well you cleaned you lost. The lesson for the army, divorce, and life is you must know the rules of the game.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(157) 11/17/09

Separating Roles - Wife to Mother, Husband to Father

2009-11-10T06:51:00.005-07:00

When clients call to inquire about our divorce mediation services, they are very anxious. During that telephone conversation I try to reassure them and give them hope. The potential clients often feel that all the marriage is not working, but their spouse is a good parent. I usually tell the person that we will help them separate their roles as Husband and Wife and maintain their roles as Mother and Father. They seem to like hearing that and say that is what they would like to happen. In fact that is what happens. The emotion of the marriage is gone and the parties can concentrate on being even better parents.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(156) 11/10/09

But I don’t want a divorce

2009-11-03T06:00:00.002-07:00

In most divorces one party does not want the divorce. This almost always leads to the statement, "Why must I (fill in the blank) when I did not want the divorce?" It is a good question but the answer is not one the person wants to hear. It often comes down to who can handle the pain of the marriage the least. The person who asks the questions, rarely asks why did my spouse want the divorce and even if that question is answered the person rarely understand or accepts the answer. The person who does not want the divorce does not understand how he or she may be driving his or her spouse crazy. This is not to say that all the fault really lies with the person who does not want the divorce. In many cases the person who wants the divorce does not realize that his or behavior has triggered the behavior in the other spouse which he or she does not like. Marriage is a dynamic process with each party influencing the behavior of the other party. So what does this all mean in a divorce and more particularly a divorce mediation. It means that the couple should look ahead not back. Discussing how they got to this point is not as important as deciding where they want to be. There is no point in doing a "marital audit" of all the things that went wrong or who was responsible. It is too slippery a slope.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM (155) 11/3/09

Voodoo Divorce

2009-10-27T10:00:00.003-07:00

This goes under the category, I thought I heard of everything in divorce. I was re-posting our listing in Craig’s List and decided to do a search of divorce to see other listings. What to my surprise did I found among many listing for document preparers but the following listing :
Extreme Voodoo Spells by Isaura
Broken-Hearted Emergencies, Immediately Resolved!
My Readings And Spells Are Known To Be 100% Accurate & Effective!
The Answer To Unconditional Ever-lasting Love.. Store & Restore Romance, Passion, Desires
Do you feel powerless to create positive change in your own life?
Are you being given visions, or dreams, or simply intuitions, that you don't understand?
Are you frustrated by a relationship that seems to be going nowhere?
Need to gain back trust, love, or effection?
I have been helping people find their path to true love and happiness for over 16 years through spells and advice. I can guide you to your deepest desires, no matter how difficult they seem to be I can empower you with the strength you need to take on life and love's most difficult challenges.
My next step was to google divorce voodoo and I found 456,000 hits including an Amazon listing for the following:
Voodoo Divorce : Put a Hex on Your Ex Through Preparation and Knowledge by Stephen Rue Esq.
Clearly, some people are not happy with the divorce process or the results of their divorce and want to try something else. Let me know if anyone has tried Voodoo Divorce and what were the results.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM (154) 10/27/09

Driving and Divorce

2009-10-20T13:43:00.002-07:00

I have always been impressed by how nice the people are in Tucson. If you are in a supermarket and you ask a clerk for an item, the clerk will almost always ask you if he or she can take you to the item. However, that all seems to change when they get behind the wheel of a car. In particular no one has patience with the car in front of the them making a left turn. Before the green arrow can be seen the car in back of me is tooting its horn. Many times I am waiting because it is a leading green arrow or the conditions are not safe. Why do people personalities change when they drive a car. This made me realize that people’s personalities often change in different circumstances. Clearly, getting a divorce is one of them. Nice people can be become horrible people when they are getting divorced. I guess couples must pretend they are in a supermarket and not behind the wheel of a car.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM (153) 10/20/09

Project Runway and Divorce

2009-10-09T08:05:00.003-07:00

I must admit that I not only watch but enjoy Project Runway. Not only is it fun but Tim Gunn’s catch phrases, "Make it work", "Carry on," and "This worries me" and Heidi Klum’s "One Day "You Are In, Next Day You Are Out" apply to divorce as well as fashion. It was a pleasant surprise when I saw a recent show which was season 6, episode 8 where the challenge was for designers must convert an old wedding dress into a fashionable new look. See more about episode at http://www.mylifetime.com/on-tv/shows/project-runway/project-runway-episodes. This is not only a metaphor for divorce but good advice. When we are working with couples in mediation we tell them this is an opportunity for a fresh start and to allow them to move on.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(152) 10/09/09

Expresss Divorce - No Magic Wand

2009-10-02T06:25:00.004-07:00

Funny things make me think about divorce. I was recently in the new Whole Foods store in the upper west side of Manhattan. When we went to check out there were not the ordinary lines where you feel like you are gambling to see which clerk you get. Instead there were four color coded lines with two express and two regular. You watched a TV monitor which indicated the number of the check out clerk who was available. I have read of a similar procedure with banks of elevators. Then I read in the September 24, 2009 New York Times about professional tennis’ longest rally. It lasted 29 minutes with 643 shots and took place at a Virginia Slims event between Vicki Nelson and Jean Hepner. How does all of this relate to divorce? It does because many couples want to get divorce over with as soon as possible. They want to quickly rip off the band aide. Couples often come to me and want me to wave the magic wand and get them divorced instanteously. I would be rich if I can could do it. Couples want the express divorce. They want the Whole Foods checkout and they definitely don’t want a 643 shot tennis rally. If couples cooperate in mediation it can be a quicker process. It is up to the couple. I usually tell couples who can’t resolve their case in mediation to do an expedited divorce. I tell them not to spend their time negotiating in a contested divorce but to go directly to trial. It will be less expensive and quicker.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(151) 10/02/09

Social Security, Marriage and Divorce - A Bonus

2009-09-25T06:00:00.004-07:00

This is my 150th blog. I have always been somewhat amused that our social security system encourages multiple marriages. This issue is highlighted in "Divorce and Social Security: A Rocky Marriage," by Eugene Steuerle and Christopher Spiro. They state as follows:

"A serial spouse can leave the public holding the bill for multiple ex-spouses, all of whom could receive full benefits.
Spousal and survivor benefits—which entitle the lower earner of a couple to half the higher earner’s benefit and to all of the benefit if the higher earner dies—were designed in 1939, before divorce was common. For this reason, the original legislation paid little attention to how the breakup of a marriage would affect such benefits. By 1965, however, divorce could not be overlooked, and policymakers included a provision allowing the lower earner to keep his or her benefits upon divorce, provided the marriage had lasted at least 20 years. Eligibility was extended to those with only 10 years of marriage or more in 1977.
When it was first introduced, the divorce provision was a way to protect a small number of lower earners after their marriages ended. Today, far more people are affected by this provision than its designers could have foreseen. Ten percent of U.S. adults are divorced now, whereas only 3 percent were in 1970. This sharp increase should induce policymakers to reexamine some of the idiosyncrasies of the divorce provision. For example:
A marriage shy of 10 years does not count. The selection of 10 years as the length of time a couple must be married before being eligible for spousal and survivor benefits upon divorce is arbitrary.
Divorced people can face a remarriage penalty. Divorced people who remarry before age 60 can lose the spousal or survivor benefit from a previous marriage. When that benefit is greater than the spousal benefit that would result from remarriage, divorced people face a significant disincentive to remarry.
A serial spouse leaves the public holding the bill. A higher earner who has many marriages, each lasting more than 10 years, can generate much more in spousal benefits than a worker who pays the same amount of taxes and marries only once. Thus, taxpayers in general can be forced to subsidize a person who marries and divorces several times, whereas that person bears no responsibility within Social Security for his or her marriages." http://www.urban.org/publications/309287.html

As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM 9/25/09

Spending, Marriage and Divorce

2009-09-18T06:00:00.002-07:00

I have always been fascinated in handling divorces when I discover the couples have very separate finances. I use to think this was an indicator that the couples would get divorced. This is not always good logic. It may be that I did not see marriages where the couple had separate finances and stayed together. I was reminded of this when I read an article in the August 16, 2009 New York Times by Catherine Rampell entitled, "I Say Spend. You Say No. We’re in Love." See the entire article at

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/16/weekinreview/16rampell.html. She says that "Despite the old saying "opposites attract," scholars have found that in almost every way imaginable, people tend to choose mates who look, sound and act as they do. But in the area perhaps most fraught with potential conflict — money — somehow, some way, people gravitate toward their polar opposite, a new study says."
She goes on to ask, "Why do people seek out their opposites in spending attitudes? Most likely, what we hate in ourselves, we also hate in other people...."I can see how this might be one of those kinds of seductive differences in the early stages of courtship," said Stephanie Coontz, a professor at Evergreen State College in Olympia, Wash., and research director for the Council on Contemporary Families. "Maybe you say to yourself, ‘This guy makes me feel so free,’ or ‘This gal reins me in.’ "
She rightly states that this is unfortunate because spending decisions are a common source of marital conflict and a major contributor to divorce.
What does all this mean? For me it is another good reason to do premarital counseling.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM 9/18/09

Sports and Divorce

2009-09-11T06:00:00.001-07:00

It should come as no surprise that many professional athletes get divorced. The August 9, 2009 New York Times article entitled "Taking Vows in a League Blindsided by Divorce" by Greg Bishop discusses this issue. See the entire article at
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/09/sports/football/09marriage.html. Bishop notes that "inside the Jets’ locker room, James Dearth counts 20 married men among his teammates..suggest 12 to 16 of the married Jets will divorce." He goes on to say "polls, studies and anecdotal evidence suggest that the divorce rate for N.F.L. players is between 60 and 80 percent, which is higher than that of the general population, where nearly half of marriages end in divorce, but comparable to athletes in other sports." He goes on to quote Kris Jenkins, the nose tackle, who lists reasons that football marriages fail: "rampant infidelity, women who target athletes, trophy wives, lifestyles not conducive to marriage and players being surrounded by entourages, which can discourage intimacy." The problem is further agrevated by problems associated with retirement. Bishop notes that "when athletes retire, most face an identity crisis. Many do not retire on their own terms, and once they leave the game, they also leave behind the fame and fortune, the crowds and adoration. Their wives experience a similar loss of status. The dynamic players they married can become passive and withdrawn." What is to be done. The best answer seems to be counseling but the public must change the way we view professional athletes. We must see them more are real people but talented individuals who are not that special. Maybe we should consider paying them less and start treating them like normal people and not celebrities.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM 9/11/09

Are You Listening?

2009-09-04T06:50:00.006-07:00

People don’t listen well. This is especially true in marriage and divorce. Many people do what I call anticipatory listening. They hear what they think they are going to hear. A possible solution to this problem are two saying my father used. The first comes from the 1955 Danny Kaye movie, "Court Jester." Get it, Got it, Good. The acronym is GIGIG. The other is First you tell them what you are going to tell them, Then you tell them, Then you tell them what you told them. Both of the saying make sure the person listening has a better chance of getting the message. Even when the person hears you, they may not understand. I love the old Abbot and Costello routine, Whose On First, which illustrates this. I have reprinted it below.

Abbott: Strange as it may seem, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names.
Costello: Funny names?
Abbott: Nicknames, nicknames. Now, on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third--
Costello: That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team.
Abbott: I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third--
Costello: You know the fellows' names?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Well, then who's playing first?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: I mean the fellow's name on first base.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The fellow playin' first base.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy on first base.
Abbott: Who is on first.
Costello: Well, what are you askin' me for?
Abbott: I'm not asking you--I'm telling you. Who is on first.
Costello: I'm asking you--who's on first?
Abbott: That's the man's name.
Costello: That's who's name?
Abbott: Yes.

Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
Abbott: Every dollar of it. And why not, the man's entitled to it.
Costello: Who is?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: So who gets it?
Abbott: Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
Costello: Who's wife?
Abbott: Yes. After all, the man earns it.
Costello: Who does?
Abbott: Absolutely.
Costello: Well, all I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base?
Abbott: Oh, no, no. What is on second base.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first!

Costello: St. Louis has a good outfield?
Abbott: Oh, absolutely.
Costello: The left fielder's name?
Abbott: Why.
Costello: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask.
Abbott: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.
Costello: Then tell me who's playing left field?
Abbott: Who's playing first.
Costello: Stay out of the infield! The left fielder's name?
Abbott: Why.
Costello: Because.
Abbott: Oh, he's center field.
Costello: Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on this team?
Abbott: Wouldn't this be a fine team w i t h o u t a pitcher?
Costello: Tell me the pitcher's name.
Abbott: Tomorrow.

Costello: Now, when the guy at bat bunts the ball--me being a good catcher--I want to throw the guy out at first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
Abbott: Now, that's he first thing you've said right.
Costello: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!
Abbott: Don't get excited. Take it easy.
Costello: I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to what. What throws it to I don't know. I don't know throws it back to tomorrow--a triple play.
Abbott: Yeah, it could be.
Costello: Another guy gets up and it's a long ball to center.
Abbott: Because.
Costello: Why? I don't know. And I don't care.
Abbott: What was that?
Costello: I said, I DON'T CARE!
Abbott: Oh, that's our shortstop!

What listening tools work for you? Do you have any suggestions on listening tools?
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM 9/4/09

The Notebook - Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying

2009-08-26T06:01:00.001-07:00

For many years, we have had a notebook in our waiting room aptly labeled "Waiting Room Reading." It is a collection of articles about mediation, divorce, and us and other material of interest to our clients. I don’t sit in the waiting room too often and had not read it lately. I recently read the notebook and discovered the articles again. It is a source of lots of material for our blog which will be under the heading of "The Notebook." Keep watching for them. The first article that caught my eye was an article from the December 17, 2006, New York Times entitled "Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying." The article can be seen at http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/17/fashion/weddings/17FIELDBOX.html but it is not long so I am reprinting the entire article here.

"Relationship experts report that too many couples fail to ask each other critical questions before marrying. Here are a few key ones that couples should consider asking:
1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?
2) Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?
3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?
4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?
5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?
6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?
7) Will there be a television in the bedroom?
8) Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?
9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?
10) Do we like and respect each other’s friends?
11) Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?
12) What does my family do that annoys you?
13) Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?
14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?
15) Does each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?"

Netflix and Marriage

2009-08-19T13:26:00.001-07:00

I previously did a blog in which I suggested two TV remotes. Now with more and more people using Netflix, the two remote solution does not solve the control issues. What to watch was never solved with two remotes. In an article in the March 29, 2009 issue of the New York Times by Michael Wilson and entitled, "Hey, Who Ordered Gigi?" many of the Netflix problems for couples is discussed. See the entire article at http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/29/fashion/29netflix.html

Wilson say, the shared Netflix queue is the new trench on the front lines of American marriage. He goes on to say, " Men and women from perfectly happy partnerships report their own dysfunctional cohabitation within the confines of the queue. Once upon a time, these sorts of disagreements were sorted out in the aisles of a video store, before a movie was selected. Now, when the conversation begins, it’s already too late. ‘It comes down to who gets the queue,’ said Michelle Newton, 37, a homemaker and mother in Leland, N.C. ‘Let’s say there’s a couple things I want to see," she said. In that case, she will sneak into the queue and move her movie to the top, often dashing the hopes of her husband, Grant, a reactor operator at a power plant, at the last moment. ‘My husband had looked at the mail and thought a guy flick was coming in, and it’s a chick flick,’ Ms. Newton said of a recent dust-up. ‘He’ll go back through and move stuff back up the queue. It’s who keeps up with the queue, as awful as that sounds.’ They recently cut back from a two-disc $13.99 monthly subscription to the austerity plan of one disc at a time, $8.99, putting all the more pressure on who wins the battle of the queue.
The solution may be two televisions with earphones. This is a lot easier than my idea of a split screen in movie theaters.